The guide with as much success as Vitas Gerulaitis against Jimmy Connors

That’s right young boys and girls, after a few weeks off, in which my arse was handed to me repeatedly in sports involving both two legs and four, THE CHALK EATERS IS BACK, ready to reap the rewards of repeated failure.

And to state the obvious, the Australia Invasion Day weekend is in full swing – The G2 Australia Stakes is on tonight at Death Valley (With a bloody reasonable field to boot), tomorrow sees the Blue Diamond hunt kick off at Caulfield and the Carrington at Woyal Wandwick, plus the Sunny Coast Cup at the fabled Corbould Park (My Uncle may or may not be making an appearance), and then there’s usual boring Listed Australia Day Cup at Warwick Farm on the public holiday.

For some reason I’ve backed the last 2 winners of the Australia Day Cup.

Probably because they were both favourites.

Anyway, time to see if I can crack a 0/4.

Hanseatic (No.2, Barrier 12) in Race 3 at Caulfield, 2:05pm AEDT

1000m Listed Blue Diamond Preview (C&G)

Trainer: Anthony Freedman, Hop: Luke ‘Not Ben’ Currie, 57kg

A 1000m Race – I know a certain member of the Waterford TAB who won’t be betting in this one – Also because it’s in Melbourne.

Regardless, I’m straight back into the volatile word of 2-year-old racing and the first of the Blue Diamond Previews, where we have rare case of a Godolphin runner not trained by James Cummings, as was the case with Lyre, who won the Blue Diamond last season under Anthony’s care.

Hanseatic made his only career start back on Sandown Classic Day last November, winning the Merson Cooper really well from the outside gate, although it is Sandown, so you should probably take it with a pinch of salt.

Although, it appears that once again, I’ve forgotten the golden rule of 2-year-old racing.

Stay the hell away from 2-year-old racing.

It’s very ‘Seinfeldian’.

Pandemic (No.10, Barrier 1) in Race 8 at Randwick, 5:40pm AEDT

1100m BM78 Handicap

Trainer: James Cummings, Hoop: Tommy Berry, 57kg

It was a tough choice in this race between making a gag about Sir Elton being the Rocket Man, or China’s favourite horse Pandemic, but given what the Chinese are accomplishing right now, you can’t go past Pandemic for the classic omen bet.

Beijing’s favourite horse is still a mere 3-year-old, racing only 4 times in the back half of 2019, winning his first 2 starts, before struggling with some extra weight and running 3rd and 4th in the latter pair, including the Heritage Stakes at Rosehill, in his first hit-out at a black type race.

The recent trial was good (Made impressive by beating a jog-trotting G1 winner Fierce Impact), although as per usual with his inside draw, he’ll probably need the standard bit of bullshit to go his way, and assuming it does, he looks a candidate for black type races either in the Autumn or next Spring.

Better Reflection (No.1, Barrier 1) in Race 8 at The Sunny Coast, 4:50pm AEST (5:50)

1000m 3YO Handicap

Trainer: John Wiggington, Hoop: Ryan Maloney, 59kg

Hahaha, John Wiggington.

The mere mention of his names makes it sound like he lives in a country manor in Berkshire, sips tea every 20 seconds, and occasionally says “Oh yes, quite.”

Other than that, this is a 1000m race, so the Gabster will be telling me to wash the dishes and comparing my personality to his arch-nemesis.

The Trivago Girl.

Anyway, in the warm-up before the Sunshine Coast Cup, Better Reflection does look like the best horse in the race, having won 3 times and placed twice more from 6 starts, and 1st Up tomorrow, she’s reunited with Ryan Maloney, fresh off an unsuccessful trip to New Zillund with Winter Bride.

The big problem Better Reflection has seems to always be the start – She tends to crack the shits at the barriers, drops out the back, then either gets held up or gets too far back (or both), and flies home for a gallant runner-up spot when the crow has flown.

So now that I’ve put my support behind her, she’s an absolute lock to drop a wet fart.

That, and I have as much luck in Queensland as Federal Labor.

Free Trade (No.2, Barrier 3) in Race 6 at Ascot, 3:55pm AWST (6:55)

1200m Amelia Park Lodge Handicap

Trainer: Michael Lane, Hoop: Chris Parnham, 59kg

Time for the usual boring as batshit Ascot tip, and by this point in the day, it’ll be as lively as the aftermath of a cannibal’s birthday party.

Free Trade started his prep all the way down in the frozen south in Albany (You heathens, it’s Al-Bah-Knee), motoring around with several strange commodities in the Fitzpatrick Plate (With Parnham aboard), and wouldn’t you know it, he got hung out 4 wide, and in an experience on par with being hung to a Hills Hoist by your Jatz Crackers, he charged to the lead, only to get run down in the shadows by Mankind.

He only got pumped into odds-on, so nobody was seriously hurt.

That day he had Barrier 12, whereas on Saturday he’s got the low draw of Barrier 3, second-up tomorrow, so everything is set for him to get beaten by Pike aboard Festival Miss.

Crazy Craig’s Tip Of The Day

LAYING Sure Knee (No.6, Barrier 3) in Race 6 at Caulfield, 4pm AEDT

1600m BM90 Mary Bell Handicap

Trainer: Chris Waller, Jockey: Damian Lane, 56kg

A happy Australia Day kiddies, it’s Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Craig, The Boy From Bairnsdale, and I tell you what, after finding out we had time off, myself and Crazy Colin hit the highway down to Cranbourne, and we bloody well smashed the joint up on Friday!

Crazy Colin even managed to get on the track – I asked him why afterwards, and you know what he said?

HE WAS BORED!

How crazy is that!

Anyway, I’m off to The Heath on Saturday, and I’m taking on a nag of Chris Waller’s, who is the very definition of the word MILK DRINKER.

Sure Knee, ever since that epic performance on Cup Day, has started at under $3 in her last 3 starts, and you know what her best result was?

3RD!

AND THAT WASN’T EVEN A CLOSE 3RD!

AND NOW, IN A CLOSE FIELD, SHE’S ONLY 20 CENTS OFF BEING FAVOURITE AGAIN!

I TRUST HER AS MUCH AS I TRUST CRAZY COLIN TO NOT CLAIM HE’S THIRSTY IN A BOTTLESHOP!

It’s crazy cob, CRAZY!

Anyway, that’s my reason – SURE KNEE is a milk drinker, and that’s why she’s my LAY. OF. THE. DAY.

I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me CRAAAAAZY CRAIG!

Good Lord, did the fires burn your brain cells as well, Craig?