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As we draw closer to the end of Summer, it was time for Week 3 of the Summer 2024 edition of Manning Jack Attack, and there was a fairly big change this week, as the competition was officially split into two leagues – The Manning Premier League for the heavy hitters (Including all the active Manning Jack Attack champion teams), and the Manning Champions League for the battlers and newcomers to the game.

Of course, it’s a great piece of Australian humour calling the second tier the Champions League, because none of them are champions.

Previously we had attempted to grade the teams to even up the fixtures, and had winners play winners from the week before, but the idea of split leagues was a long term idea by Half Price to try and give the ‘Bottom 12’ teams (I.E Stop Drop & Bowl and friends) a better chance of getting in the prize money at the awards night instead of playing off for bottles of wine, while the Top 12 teams will still go at it to try and get their names on the trophy.

So as for the new ladders, the results from the previous 2 weeks will be carried in to both leagues, plus the results from Week 3, and in the final week, the Top 6 teams from both leagues will play off for prize money.

On another note, this week was the first Wednesday night this season that wasn’t at least 35 degrees, and it was so pleasant we even got a sea breeze, which threw off a few of the bowlers out on the ditch rinks.

The Jack Attack Joke Off

Another idea that latched on to Pricey’s brain last week was the idea of having a Jack Attack Joke Off, completely unrelated to bowls, which we made happen during the presentation after Week 3, and our first victims were Scotty from the Buffed Helmets and Kelly from the CDs.

Scotty came through with some forgettable joke that got a few hearty chuckles, but was still left eating dust by the inaugural winner, which was Kelly thanks to her Canadian re-telling of the farmer with 3 daughters on first dates joke!

I also came through with a dodgy joke about the deaf man who was a contender for the Heavyweight world championship…

In case you don’t know, he got disqualified for punching after the bell.

The Overall Night

Based on the results, the splitting of the leagues couldn’t have worked out any better from a competitive standpoint, as 22 out of 24 teams recorded at least 1 point on the night (Which could very well be a record), with 5 tiebreaks, 5 drawn sets (A single night record), and a mere 2 teams winning in straight sets.

Starting off the top, the winners on the night were Ebowla Bad Ibowla Good, who defeated the newly green-tinted Hosky’s Hopefuls in straight sets by 12 shots on Synthetic Rink 2, winning the 1st Set on the final end 6-5, and thumping the hopeless Hopefuls 11-0 in the 2nd, leaving EBIG as the inaugural leaders of the Manning Champions League.

I briefly mentioned it in the previous paragraph, but here are the new team shirts for Hosky’s Hopefuls, which seem to have been stolen from the West Coast Fever, and naturally Coach Hoskin wasn’t there on Wednesday night to see them in person, and to be honest Hoskin probably would’ve blown them all up given they’ve got the Fortescue Metals logo, and he’s a veteran Rio Tinto employee.

I suppose Kermit the Frog was right – It’s not easy being green.

2nd and 3rd place on the night went to a countback, but it took all of 5 seconds to decide 2nd place, because The Jackobites were the only other straight sets winner on the night, defeating This Is How We Roll by 8 shots on Synthetic Rink 4, which marks the first win in Manning Jack Attack for our resident Scotsmen, and the coaching the Tartan Army have received from Mark and Liz Matthews over the last 2 weeks finally paid some dividends – $30 to be exact.

It was also on the night that we met the fabled Johnny from the Jackobites, who as it turns out wasn’t banned internationally or from every bowling club in Scotland, he was ‘merely’ banned for life from his local area…

The sealer on the whole punishment being that his dad was on the committee that decided to issue the ban.

3rd place went to the Bowled Guys, who also finished with an 8-shot victory, albeit theirs was in a tiebreak against the Buffed Helmets on Synthetic Rink 3, which came about after the Bowled Guys dominated the 1st Set 12-2, but the Buffs, with the two lovebirds Kip and Carry back in the team, came back and won the 2nd Set 6-4, after a Loose Bruce drive on the last end nearly drew the set, only for the jack to flop into the ditch and onto the T to cut the hold down to 1.

So that forced the tiebreak, in which Bruce’s brother Craig gave the Bowled Guys the shot, and ultimately a last-gasp drive by Kip was on track to hit the jack, but a front bowl got in the road (Most likely belonging to Carmo), missed the holder, and preserved the Bowled Guys’ victory.

Rounding out the money places, 4th place on the night went to Macatac 1, as they defeated the Great Bowls of Fire by 7 shots with a drawn set, which started with Macatac 1 winning a tight 1st Set 7-0 (The biggest hold was a mere 2 shots) in one of the crueller pants down jobs ever seen, but the Great Bowls fought hard and nearly snuck in the 2nd Set with a 5-3 lead ahead of the last end, but the Maccers held 1 on the final end powerplay to draw the 2nd Set at 5 apiece and seal the win.

Rounding off the results for Week 3:

Macatac 2 jumped up to be the inaugural leaders of the Manning Premier League as they defeated reigning champs Norfolk Enchants in a Grand Final rematch on Grass Rink 3, which means Norfolk have been dusted off by both Macatac teams in the first 3 weeks of the season, such is the draw you get as a defending champion.

As for the game, the Macatac ladies got out to an early lead and won the 1st Set 8-3 (Quinny did give them a 3 on the 3rd End), but Norfolk Enchants led 4-0 after 3 ends of the 3rd Set, only to be pegged back by a pair of deuces from Macatac 2, with 2 on the 4th End, and after holding shot with a bowl to come on the final end, Jackie from Macatac 2 sent them from 1 down to 2 up, ensuring the match would end with a 4-4 drawn set.

Shapes ended the unbeaten run of Bowljack Horseman with a win in 1.5 sets on Grass Rink 4, and after Shapes won the 1st Set 8-2 (Bowljack’s only shots coming on a 1st End powerplay), the 2nd Set was a wild ride, as Shapes held 5 on the penultimate end to lead 6-3, only for Bowljack to scrounge out a point from the night by holding 3 on the last end to draw the set 6-6, leaving them 3rd on the Premier League ladder.

Alex did say he wanted D Green ripped up because he hated it that much, which I refuted…

Because we need to detonate B Green first.

On Grass Rink 1, Rock N Bowl now find themselves loitering around in 2nd place in the Champions League thanks to their win against the Unbelievabowls, saving the 1st Set by holding 2 on their final end powerplay to draw it 5-5, and promptly controlled a low-scoring 2nd Set 6-1 to seal the win, as the game featured another classic line from Jodie of Rock N Bowl, who had previously sacked her coach Adam Mac a mere 2 hours into Week 1, and this time stuck 2 bowls on the jack and commented “Oops, have I done it again?”

She will soon be undergoing a name change to ‘Britney’.

On Grass Rink 2, Stop Drop & Bowl came from behind to defeat the CD’s in a tiebreak despite losing the variance by 6 shots, cleaning out both of the CDs’ shot bowls with their last 2 bowls of the night, making it back to back tiebreak defeats for the CD’s (And 3 tiebreaks from 3 games), and to be honest anytime Stop Drop & Bowl win a game I have to assume there’s a typo, but this one was genuine, as they won the game despite copping a pasting in the variance, which is a very Stop Drop & Bowl way to win a game.

On Synthetic Rink 1, Verse 1 defeated the Steam Rollers in a tiebreak after the teams split the sets and the variance (Steam Rollers 7-2 in the 1st and Verse 1 8-3 in the 2nd), then Mick, Peg and Ronni went on to win the one end shootout for the second week running, and amazingly Verse 1 have lost the variance in all 3 games, yet have won 2 of them in tiebreaks (Week 1 was a losing tiebreak) and sit in 3rd place in the Champions League.

On Synthetic Rink 5, Salty Bowls got themselves on the board for this season by defeating the Bowling Stones in a tiebreak after recovering from losing the 1st Set 1-7, going on to win the 2nd Set 8-4 and promptly landing 3 bowls around the jack in the tiebreak, one of them being a resting toucher, and the Stones could not get close to stopping them.

On Synthetic Rink 7, Ten Pin were able return to their old habits and do what they’ve done at least four dozen times across the last decade…

By winning in a tiebreak, this time against Manning Up, the crucial end coming on the 4th End of the 2nd Set, after Manning Up had won the 1st Set 9-8 and led 4-1 after 3 ends of the 2nd, only for Ten Pin to held 3 on their powerplay to set up an 8-4 win in the 2nd Set, and according to eyewitness reports, Ten Pin’s last bowl was going to miss shot by a couple of inches, only to flop in at the last moment and eventually win the measure, most likely thanks to Bill Murray attempting to blow up a gopher nearby.

And in the last result to finish off Week 3, Bowl Movements backed up their inclusion in the Manning Premier League by ending Crawshaw’s unbeaten start to the season with a 5-shot win over on Synthetic Rink 8, copping the worst of the sea breeze on Wednesday night, and it was the final 2 ends of the night that did the damage, as the 1st Set finished in a 4-4 draw, and Crawshaw led 2-6 and had their powerplay to come, only for Bowl Movements to rise up, stymie the powerplay and hold 1 to make it 3-6, then call a final end powerplay and hold 4 shots of their own to make it 8 and win the set + game 11-6, a result that now leaves them 2nd on the Premier League ladder after Week 3.

And finally, here’s a lesson to a resident of Crawshaw Crescent, formerly of Wialki.

Pricey offered one of his pairs of bowls for the Crawshaw crew to use on the ditch rink, given his bowls are narrow and that Rink 8 is notoriously bad on the ditch side, and they used them for 1 end and gave them the arse.

They lost badly.

Meantime, the Jackobites also borrowed Pricey’s other pair of bowls for the entire night and won in straight sets.

There’s a lesson to be learned, Wilko – When someone offers you a pair of lemons, MAKE LEMONADE.

Results

Grass 1: Rock N Bowl (3pts +5) defeated Unbelievabowls (1pt -5), 5-5 6-1

Grass 2: Stop Drop & Bowl (3pts -6) defeated CD’s (2pts +6), 5-2 2-11 1-0 in the tiebreak

Grass 3: Macatac 2 (3pts +5) defeated Norfolk Enchants (1pt -5), 8-3 4-4

Grass 4: Shapes (3pts +6) defeated Bowljack Horseman (1pt -6), 8-2 6-6

Synthetic 1: Verse 1 (3pts 0) defeated Steam Rollers (2pts 0), 2-7 8-3 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 2: Ebowla Bad Ibowla Good (4pts +12) defeated Hosky’s Hopefuls, 6-5 11-0

Synthetic 3: Bowled Guys (3pts +8) defeated Buffed Helmets (2pts -8), 12-2 4-6 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 4: The Jackobites (4pts +8) defeated This Is How We Roll, 5-4 9-2

Synthetic 5: Salty Bowls (3pts -2) defeated Bowling Stones (2pts +2), 1-7 8-4 3-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 6: Macatac 1 (3pts +7) defeated Great Bowls of Fire, 7-0 5-5

Synthetic 7: Ten Pin (3pts +3) defeated Manning Up (2pts -3), 8-9 8-4 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 8: Bowl Movements (3pts +5) defeated Crawshaw CC (1pt -5), 4-4 11-6

Ladder(s)

Captain’s Comments

Alex, Bowljack Horseman: “I’m starting a petition to get D Green dug up so we never have to bowl on it again”

Chris: “The Jackobites are back in town son!”

Brad, Hosky’s Hopefuls: “We were gloating too much at the start about how Mat wasn’t here and how well we were doing.. then it all came apart in the 2nd set”

Scratch, Buffed Helmets: “We might have a selection dilemma next week, we’ve got a full squad back- The boys are demanding 2 teams, last week we could barely field a bloody team.”

Carmo, Buffed Helmets: “Good to see the two lovebirds back with us, more nimble on their feet… Kip smelled very floral, reminiscent of a scented spray from a toilet… it was a rose kind of a smell, and Carry looked dehydrated and shrivelled.”