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In golf, people traditionally describe Round 3/Saturday at any tournament to be ‘Moving Day’, which is a term that also applies to Week 5 at Manning Jack Attack, because it’s the last chance for hopeful teams to get themselves in the Money Matches (1st through to 6th in the Premier League and Champions League) taking place in Week 6, when the Greatest Social Bowls Competition between Manning Road and the Canning River reaches its climax.

However, before we get into the night, I would like to announce that there was another great milestone for Manning Jack Attack last Friday, as JT won the Men’s Pairs playing skip with his gun runner Neil Edwards, making him the first graduated Jack Attack bowler to win a Manning club event as a skip, which is my self indulgent way of saying that while Helen Lamb did us proud getting to The Moon by winning the Triples and Pairs (twice) as a lead, I decided to go to Mars on a bicycle:

We did try and get a Jack Attack group photo afterwards (Featuring Nat, Helen and Kelly from the CDs, plus Ben from Ebowla Bad), which was a quintessential Manning Jack Attack photo… in that it was absolutely rubbish:

As Helen informed me later, after an alcohol-free month, she was not drunk, she was merry…

On another note, myself and Half Price did a review of the scores from last week, and found the Steam Rollers finished on +9 shots and not +8, which would’ve given 3rd overall on the night instead of getting caught in that hodgepodge of teams on 8 shots (Which they lost due to only getting 3 points) – Thankfully the wrong has been righted and they did get their $20 prize on Wednesday night, and the added shot will be reflected in this week’s ladder (They started on 12 +18, not 12 +17).

This is what happens when the bloke counting the scores didn’t bother learning mathematics past Year 10….

He’ll probably tell you 1 + 1 equals a window.

The Overall Night

Starting off the top, the most important news of the night is that after an audit of all the scores across the 5 weeks, the Top 6 Money Matches have been set for both Leagues next Wednesday night:

Premier League 1st vs 2nd: Macatac 2 (1st) vs Bowl Movements (2nd)

Premier League 3rd vs 4th: Buffed Helmets (3rd) vs Bowled Guys (4th)

Premier League 5th vs 6th: Macatac 1 (5th) vs Shapes (6th)

Champions League 1st vs 2nd: Verse 1 (1st) vs Rock N Bowl (2nd)

Champions League 3rd vs 4th: The Jackobites (3rd) vs Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good (4th)

Champions League 5th vs 6th: CDs (5th) vs Steam Rollers (6th)

Starting with the Premier League finals, and unsurprisingly Macatac 2 finished on top as they went through 5 games unbeaten, but they were made to earn it on Wednesday night against the Crawshaw crew on Synthetic Rink 3, having to come back and win the game in a tiebreak after dropping the 1st Set as Peter, Wilko and Patsy gave the ladies a great run for their money, and it was Macatac’s 2nd Set win that confirmed they would be featuring in the Grand Final (again), regardless of potentially losing the tiebreak… which they didn’t.

Friday was International Women’s Day, and I would note that at Manning Jack Attack this season, had an all-women’s team on top of the table, making fools out of us cavemen.

Their opponents will be the Bowl Movements, who have stunned everyone and proven the best improvers of this season, as they secured 2nd on the ladder with an upset straight sets win against Shapes on Grass Rink 4, a game that was only decided by 3 shots overall, and what a meteoric rise it’s been for the former associates of Loose Bruce.

They were a late addition to the Spring 2023 tournament, they finished a credible 20th despite playing 1 less game than everyone, they were a very surprising addition to the inaugural Manning Premier League in Week 3, and despite sticking out like dog’s balls among the 12 teams in the Premier League field, they’ve played their cards right and got all the way up to 2nd spot.

Still, we’ll always wonder how Manning Up defeated them in a tiebreak in Week 2, because that game accounts for 3 of the 5 points Manning Up have scored this season.

The Bronze Medal game will feature a rematch of the Week 3 game between the Buffed Helmets and the Bowled Guys (Who won that night in a tiebreak), as the Buffs secured 3rd spot thanks to their straight sets 8-shot win against outgoing champions Norfolk Enchants, capping off a wild day that started with a piss-up on Rottnest from which they gained their mate Mick, who was on a promise to be home by 7:30 and only played the 1st Set, while Scotty had a sore back (Due to carrying the Buffs for 18 months), which became a point of comedy when Norfolk only had Quinny and Guy available and they needed one of the available Buffs to make a trio…

Instead of taking ‘The Cripple’, Norfolk decided to take the bigger handicap of playing with Carmo.

It had predictable results.

With an end to go in the 1st Set, the Buffs held 4 without a powerplay to win the set 5-3, thanks to clutch bowls from Kip, then Scotty, Carry and Kip put Quinny and the one-time champions to sleep with a 7-1 win in the 2nd Set, which it turned out was enough to get them into the Top 4 on the night, plus the Top 4 in the Manning Premier League for this season.

According to Buffed Helmets Facts, in every road car there’s an accelerator, a brake, and a Kip.

As for their opponents, the Bowled Guys secured yet another Top 4 finish thanks to getting over Ten Pin in a high scoring contest on Synthetic Rink 3, a game that had high stakes as the winner got a Finals spot and the loser was gone, and it showed as the first set finished in a 9-9 draw thanks to the Bowled Guys getting 4 (8) on a powerplay, then they held their second powerplay (Although it was only 2 turned into 4) in the 2nd Set, propelling them to a 9-4 win.

When you encompass their era as the T-Birds many years ago, the Bowled Guys are like the Western Bulldogs before 2016 – So many Top 4 finishes, and yet they just can’t quite get into that Grand Final… still, they finished above the Great Bowls of Fire, and that’s what matters to Loose Bruce.

The 5th vs 6th game will feature Macatac 1 against Shapes, and it was a study in contrasts as to how they got there:

Macatac 1 delivered an almighty whooping on Manning Up, winning in straight sets by 16 shots on Synthetic Rink 5 to finish 1st overall on the night, propelling them from 8th up to 5th on the Premier League ladder, and it was such a thorough domination that Macatac 1 gave away all of 1 shot on the night, the 1st End of the 2nd Set…

If they’d been any more thorough, they’d have given away no shots at all and pitched a perfect game, which is even rarer in Manning Jack Attack than a perfect game in Major League Baseball.

After such a consistent run since the beginning of 2022, it appears Manning Up decided to use this season to try and tank for Harley Reid… evidently, they were a bit late.

So that brings us to Shapes, who did start the night 3rd on the ladder and rocked up at Manning Memorial at 5pm sharp for a practice, although most of that practice was in the shade with a beer in their hand, and such preparations came back to haunt them as the Bowl Movements nailed them on the final end of both sets.

They held 1 on a final end powerplay in the 1st Set to win it 4-2, then the 2nd Set was the chickens coming home to roost, as they led 4-1, then dropped 2 on a final end powerplay to lose 4-5, sealing a straight sets defeat, although as it turned out, anything less than a tiebreak win wouldn’t have been enough to get them into the Top 4.

Moving on to the lightweight Champions League, and it’ll be Verse 1 and Rock N Bowl playing off for what may turn out to be the only Manning Champions League title ever played, and I would note that both teams did sit in the Top 2 after Week 4, but simply swapped positions on the ladder:

Verse 1 finished as the unofficial minor premiers in the MCL, despite their negative shot variance, although Wednesday night’s win against the Bowling Stones on Grass Rink 3 was the first game they’ve played that didn’t finish in a tiebreak as they won the 1st Set 5-3, followed by a 4-4 draw in the 2nd Set to end the night, as they go into the Division 2 Grand Final on a 4-game winning streak, with all 5 of their games decided by single figure margins on variance.

Rock N Bowl did grab the lead of the Champions League after Week 4, but were brought undone by the Jackobites in a high-scoring game on Synthetic Rink 7, as Rock N Bowl picked up 4 on the first end of the game, only to drop 5 on the next end and eventually lose the 1st Set 8-9, and they would draw the 2nd Set 5-5 to finish the game in defeat, however, had they not got that point for the drawn set, they’d have finished in 5th, such was the fine margins.

As for the 3rd vs 4th game, the aforementioned Jackobites have been another great story from this season, as Chris and his team of Scotsmen came into the competition full of beans, only to find themselves stone motherless last after Week 2 (Week 1 had finished with a 22-shot defeat), but thanks to some solid coaching from Mark and Liz Matthews + the fixture opening up, the Jackobites picked up 11 points (Of a possible 12) from their last 3 games and shot up to 3rd place in the MCL, and it was a heck of an effort on Wednesday night, because Mark and Liz were unavailable, they were back on the Synthetic against the top team in the league… and they got it done.

Chris told Half Price before the game that he woke up smelling victory that morning, and he was right.

Filling the last Top 4 spot was Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good, who jumped from 7th to 4th thanks to their straight sets +9 shots win against Stop Drop & Bowl (Which also got them 3rd on the night), as a result leaping over the CDs by a mere 2 shots on the ladder, a piece of news that will provide a great deal of mirth to Ben and Dave in particular (Lee and Xavier may be impartial to the news), knowing they’ve surpassed their wives this season.

The game also featured this quote from Lisa of Stop Drop & Bowl, who mentioned this to Ben when he put a bowl 2 metres short:

“Did you take your glasses off to play that shot?”

“Yes.”

“Put them back on next time!”

The lucky last Money Match next week (5th vs 6th in the MCL) will feature the aforementioned CDs against the Steam Rollers in a rematch of the game they played on Wednesday night, which will prove a rare example of two teams playing each other in consecutive weeks of Manning Jack Attack, and first time around on Synthetic Rink 1 it was the Steam Rollers who got the win in a tiebreak, despite the fact that the CDs won the variance by 9 shots after the Steam Rollers won the 1st Set 5-3, only for the CDs to respond by winning the 2nd Set 13-2…

Then in the tiebreak, Dave from the Steam Rollers got the shot, and in what could only be described as throwing your child under the bus, young Blake (Nat’s son) was sent on to try and win the game for the CDs, but despite a pretty decent effort he couldn’t get shot from Dave, and that bowl was the difference between 2nd and 5th place for the CDs… ouch.

The CDs also had enough variance to finish in the Top 4 on the night, and in years gone by there was a funny loophole where teams could finish in the weekly prizes despite losing the tiebreak, although to my knowledge that loophole was sealed off after an incident a few years ago… it may or may not have involved the Tie Break Turkeys.

As for the OTHER important game next week, we’ll have the dreaded Wooden Spoon game in which the loser gets the Wooden Spoon for being crap, while the winner gets a roll of toilet paper for finishing second-last and being close to crap, and I’m pleased to announce that there’s going to be a DERBY to decide last place…

Stop Drop & Bowl vs This Is How We Roll, extending Sharyn’s run of dominance over that lovely piece of woodwork, with both teams having already had their names engraved on the trophy:

As mentioned above, Stop Drop & Bowl were done in straight sets by EBIG, while This Is How We Roll were done by 9 shots in straight sets by the Unbelievabowls out in the Challenger Avenue carpark (Synthetic Rink 8), giving the Unbelievabowls 2nd on the night thanks to an ends countback, and it welded This Is How We Roll onto last place with the lowest points total of all 24 teams in the competition.

So in case you haven’t kept track, this was the Top 4 from Week 5:

1st went to Macatac 1 (4pts +16), 2nd went to the Unbelievabowls (4pts +9, 7 ends to 5 on countback), 3rd went to Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good (also 4pts +9), and 4th went to the Buffed Helmets (4pts +8).

Now, finishing off the results for Week 5…

The Great Bowls of Fire may be destined to drop down to the Champions League if promotion & relegation becomes a thing, but they decided to cause a bit of carnage on the way down by knocking off Bowljack Horseman on Grass Rink 1 (6-3 5-5), ruining Bowljack’s chances of a finals spot, and after starting the year with all 8 points +24 shots from 2 games, Bowljack Horseman’s last 3 games resulted in a meagre collect of 2 points with -17 shot variance.

A collapse to rival Carlton’s last month of 2022.

And, in the only unmentioned result of the night, Hosky’s Hopefuls pulled off a big upset of Salty Bowls by winning in a tiebreak on Synthetic Rink 6, a result that cost Salty Bowls a Champions League finals spot and pulled Hosky’s Hopefuls out of the Wooden Spoon game next week, news that will delight their absent coach when he reads this in 6 months’ time.

Alright, was that everything?

Results

Grass 1: Great Bowls of Fire (3pts +3) defeated Bowljack Horseman (1pt -3), 6-3 5-5

Grass 2: Buffed Helmets (4pts +8) defeated Norfolk Enchants, 5-3 7-1

Grass 3: Verse 1 (3pts +2) defeated Bowling Stones (1pt -2), 5-3 4-4

Grass 4: Bowl Movements (4pts +3) defeated Shapes, 4-2 5-4

Synthetic 1: Steam Rollers (3pts -9) defeated CDs (2pts +9), 5-3 2-13 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 2: Bowled Guys (3pts +5) defeated Ten Pin (1pt -5), 9-9 9-4

Synthetic 3: Macatac 2 (3pts +2) defeated Crawshaw CC (2pts -2), 6-8 6-2 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 4: Ebowla Bad Ibowla Good (4pts +9) defeated Stop Drop & Bowl, 12-8 8-3

Synthetic 5: Macatac 1 (4pts +16) defeated Manning Up, 7-0 10-1

Synthetic 6: Hosky’s Hopefuls (3pts +1) defeated Salty Bowls (2pts -1), 2-6 7-2 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 7: The Jackobites (3pts +1) defeated Rock N Bowl (1pt -1), 9-8 5-5

Synthetic 8: Unbelievabowls (4pts +9) defeated This Is How We Roll, 8-3 7-3

Ladder

Captain’s Comments

Chris, The Jackobites: “I woke up, went outside and thought to myself… it smells like Victory!”

I would note, that comment came in BEFORE the game.

Scotty, Buffed Helmets: “I offered to play for Brendan’s team tonight, but he said we don’t want a cripple in there, then Carmo offered to play and they welcomed him with open arms – I’m a little hurt in more ways than one.”

Carry, Buffed Helmets: “We had a cripple, they had Carmo.”

Kip, Buffed Helmets: “I would note that Carmo and Carry had a bowl-off before the game… Carmo won.”