Despite some talking heads claiming that the Olympic Games of 2024 would be as toxic as the Seine River itself, it was a fantastic 33rd Summer Olympic Games, the greatest for an Australian Olympic team in living memory, once again proving that the events of World War I were no anomaly and that Australians love rising to the occasion in France….

Except the frikkin’ Wallabies.

Have a look at the stats, we have absolutely smashed it in the City of Love… and other French territories:

18 Gold Medals for the first time in history, defying all expectations and bettering the record that was equalled in Tokyo. 

4th on the overall Gold Medal table, the best standing since Athens 2004.

A total of 53 medals, the best Australian haul for a Games outside of Australia. 

We witnessed our first Track Cycling Gold Medal in 12 years, as the Men’s Team Pursuit ended a 20-year drought and redeemed themselves after the Tokyo handlebar disaster.

On top of that, we also saw our first Athletics Gold Medal in 12 years, as Nina Kennedy became the first Australian woman to win a Field event Gold Medal, after which she dropped a ‘Thanks Chompers’ on Tony ‘Chompers’ Jones.

Paris 2024 also saw our best Athletics medal haul in 68 years with 7 medals, the last of which saw Jessica Hull become the first Australian woman to medal in the 1500m, and the first Australian to medal in a 1500m Final since Herb Elliott’s Gold in Rome in 1960.

Matt Wearn became the first person to repeat as Olympic Champion in the Laser Dinghy class of Sailing, Kaylee McKeown became the first woman in Olympic history to achieve the Backstroke Double-Double, Jessica Fox became the first person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in a canoe and a kayak, and Ariarne Titmus became the first woman in 96 years to defend the Olympic Women’s 400m Freestyle title (American Martha Norelius won the first two editions of the race in 1924 & 1928).

The Women’s 200 Metre Freestyle Final marked the first time since the Athens 2004 Men’s 400m Freestyle Final that Australia won Gold & Silver in the same event (Mollie O’Callaghan and Ariarne Titmus replicating Ian Thorpe & Grant Hackett)

There was also our first Tennis Gold Medal in 28 years for Matt Ebden and John Peers, a feat only The Woodies had ever achieved, and on clay of all surfaces. 

Saya Sakakibara, in her own words, “Just ****ing went” and won `Australia’s first Gold Medal in BMX Racing, in her brother Kai’s No.77.

The Women’s Water Polo team, the Stingers, made the Olympic Final for the first time in 24 years, denying the United States a threepeat of Gold Medals.

There was also the youngest Australian Gold Medalist in Olympic history (Arisa Trew), breaking a record that had stood for 68 years, a result that also earned her a pet duck.

A clean sweep of the Skateboard Park (Keegan Palmer defending the Men’s title) and Women’s Canoe Slalom events, including the inaugural Gold Medal in Women’s Kayak Cross for Noemie Fox.

The 4 Gold Medals in 4 different sports on Wednesday, August 7 matched Australia’s greatest ever single day performance at the Olympic Games, matching the performance of the middle Sunday (August 1, 2021) from Tokyo 2020….

That will also remain one of the best all-nighters I’ve ever enjoyed.

And of course, RAYGUN.

Obviously, there were some noteworthy disappointments, namely the Women’s 100m Freestyle Final, the Women’s Rugby Sevens, both Hockey teams, the Rowing program had their worst Olympics in 36 years, the K2 Final, Mackenzie Little in the Javelin, but the overall picture will look very favourable for Australia, as it will for countries like New Zealand and the Netherlands, who also had record Gold Medal hauls.

All up, the Australian team defied all logic, expectations and predictions, even finishing ahead of host nation France on Gold Medals in their own Olympics… 

But the most important part of all for a self-respecting country like ours, we finished ahead of the bloody Poms for the first time in 20 DAMN YEARS.

Actually, even the Dutch finished ahead of the Poms.

Who’d have thought that would ever be a possibility again, after the unabashed slaughter in London and Rio.

Now, time to sleep for the first time in a fortnight.