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At the pointy end of November, it was time for Week 3 of the Spring/Summer 2024 edition of Manning Jack Attack, The Greatest Social Bowls Competition Between Manning Road And The Canning River, and it’s been a fairly quiet week, so this week we had the club Men’s Triples Final, and it was a Jack Attack-related triumph, as Jared Moulton, formerly of The Lenny’s, teamed up with Mike Carey to defeat a team of reprobates featuring yours truly 15-14, in a game that many said was the best Friday night entertainment they’d seen since Village Kid was in his heyday at Gloucester Park.

I’ll also announce that this week I got a lovely letter from our old mate Merv Roberts, who is currently roaming around South East Asia, and I would note I did have to use ChatGPT to translate it into cohesive English:

“Congratulations to the Half Price and Richie Ben… crap, can’t remember how to spell it, I only know words like Phuc Dong, Phuc You, Phuc Me, ha ha – For keeping this great event on a roll, like Marc Marquez falling off at 280 km/h, if I come back I will start a team called Big Balls… sorry Bowls, as due to a lack of balls, sorry bowls practice, I will start at the bottom like a proctologist – Cheers, The King, Vietnam’s best looking thing.”

Ah Merv, causing more danger to the Vietnamese than Agent Orange.

On another note, Plugger the Wrong Bias Piggy Bank got a makeover this week, properly reflecting the 1993 incident that gave him his name:

There’s a PIG on the green!

The Overall Night

With another superb night for weather on Wednesday night, there was plenty of movement up and down the ladder this week as the handicapper earned his money, with 5 games going to tiebreaks and 2 games featuring drawn sets, meaning the logjam on the ladder is so deep that there’s only 2 points between 5th to 17th.

Starting off the top, the Week 3 overall winner went to an elongated countback, as 2 teams finished on +13 shots, both won 7 ends, which meant we had to go to shots held, and by the smallest of margins the overall win went to Shapes, who held 17 shots in their walloping of Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good on Synthetic Rink 8 (11/2 6/2), a result that propelled them into 2nd position on the ladder, a position that was previously held by EBIG until the handicapper came knocking on Lee’s door, as Craig and the team sent them plummeting down to 10th.

Before the season began, Pricey took out another mortgage and whacked it on Shapes to win the title with Sportsbet… he claims he was getting close to 16/1 pre-season, and when I looked last night they were into 6/1 outright second favourite.

So the other half of the countback was that 2nd went to the Bowling Stones (16 shots), who defeated B Cups 2 in straight sets Synthetic Rink 4 (16-3), and while Shapes won the night to get to 2nd overall on the ladder, the Stones were 2nd on the night to jump up to 1st overall on the ladder, as they managed to knock off both B Cups teams in consecutive weeks, as Allison could only make the comment regarding B Cups 2 that ‘These guys are allergic to the jack!’

Nobody’s seen the Stones this high since Keith Richards got arrested in Toronto in 1977.

An interesting note about the countback system – For our Manning pennants teams, when we determine the biggest winning rink for a Tuesday, Thursday or a Saturday, the first countback in the event of a draw is fewer shots conceded, but given the shorter format with Jack Attack, we put shots held as the priority to encourage attacking play (The countback hierarchy is Sets Won>Ends Won>Shots Held>Shots Conceded).

With the Top 2 decided, 3rd overall also went to a countback with 2 teams on +11 shots, but it was fairly straight forward as only one of the teams won in straight sets, that being B Cups 1 with their straight sets win against Salty Bowls on Grass Rink 1, with the result jumping Sharyn’s team up to the lofty heights of 16th, while the Salty Bowls have been a bit wayward this season as they drop down to the foot of the ladder, a place that Sharyn knows all too well.

So the unlucky 4th placed team was Rock N Bowl, who dropped the 1st Set 6-4 to Holding Shots, which is the first set the Holding Shots have won this season, but Rock N Bowl dropped the hammer and won the 2nd Set 15-2 (Three 4s and a 3) to finish 11 shots ahead on the variance, but the tiebreak was much closer than that, being decided by all of 4cm (According to Maurice of Holding Shots) in favour of Rock N Bowl, leaving Holding Shots agonisingly short of that maiden Jack Attack victory.

Still, Holding Shots are off the bottom of the ladder for now.

Finishing off the results for Week 3:

The Buffed Helmets, bolstered by the return of Fuzzy and a lack of Carmo, sent Verse 1 plummeting out of top spot with a straight sets win on Synthetic Rink 2, a result that got the Buffs into 3rd while Verse 1 dropped down to 8th, a game that featured Kip putting down a wrong bias and forcing his teammates to pay his fine, and I was within earshot of this exchange between Ronni and Scotty after the first end of the night, when the Buffs held 2 shots:

“You’ve got to give us something, sharing is caring” – Ronni

“Top of the ladder, you’re getting nothing!” – Scotty

There’s a harsh lesson for Mick, Peg and Ronni – if you want to be a band of bowling blaggards, you can’t claim charity when you get mugged.

The Crawshaw residents are into 3rd spot thanks to their win against the previously unbeaten Norfolk Enchants on Grass Rink 3, the closest result of the night without going to a tiebreak as Crawshaw won the 1st Set 4-3, winning the last 2 ends after Decca’s alcohol kicked in and he landed several close bowls, then they got ahead 4-0 with an end to play, but gave away a 4 to Quinny’s team to draw the set 4-4, still good enough to win the game, albeit with 3 points of 4, with that point keeping Norfolk Enchants in the Top 6.

Wilko was quick to note that new neighbour Stewie was Crawshaw’s best player on the night, as his arrival has revived Crawshaw’s fortunes and sent property values on Crawshaw Crescent skyrocketing by 15%, and another highlight was the hilarious scene of Crawshaw’s Graeme, by pure chance, wearing a Norfolk Island hat, against the Norfolk team!

Macatac keep moving up the ladder, going up to 5th as they defeated the Bowled Guys in a tiebreak on Grass Rink 2, and Macatac were shorthanded going in as Dianne Mac (And by extension Duncan Mac) couldn’t play due to Como holding their club triples on a Wednesday night, so it meant Jason from the Bowled Guys filled in with Ellen and Rob in Macatac to give them the 3 players (It did also help that the Bowled Guys had 5 players on hand), so it would seem Jason, having been confirmed as the red-headed stepkid of the Bowled Guys, enjoyed the chance to put one on Rede, as he wound up being the only player to get a bowl within 2 metres for most of the tiebreak, as the Bowled Guys dug themselves a hole and promptly buried themselves alive.

Unfortunately the Bowled Guys can’t take a trick right now, as they now sit with no wins after 3 games, losing 2 of them in tiebreaks.

The Great Bowls of Fire had a full team for the first time all season as Jonesy returned from Bali to join Todd and Paul Alphabet, and the 3-time champions came back from a very slow start to defeat Chiko Bowls in a tiebreak on Synthetic Rink 5, having been shutout 0-7 in the 1st Set, followed by scrounging out a 4-3 win in the 2nd Set, and the sunned-up Jonesy, backed up by the Greek Freak, ensured the job was done for Todd before he’d even set foot on the mat in the tiebreak, as the Great Bowls finally got on the right side of the tiebreak after losses in Weeks 1 and 2.

The fact that the Great Bowls are now 9th on the ladder with that solitary win also highlights the importance of winning at least one set every week…. if you do end up losing, make sure you have something to show for it.

Ten Pin were another of the shorthanded teams on Wednesday night, as Deb had a golf meeting, their usual backup Jack was unavailable, and Coral was a late out due to failing a fitness test with a back issue, leaving Peter to front up on his own against the fully fit Unbelievabowls on Synthetic Rink 6, but to give him and the ten pin bowlers a chance Half Price paired him with our resident floater Greg and gave them 3 bowls each, and it would seem Peter grew another leg with a third ‘mulligan’ bowl, as Ten Pin went thump in the 1st Set to win it 11-3, then after seemingly consigning themselves to another tiebreak as they lost their powerplay to fall behind 2-6 with an end to play, Peter and Greg drew 4 shots to draw the set and win the game, getting Ten Pin into the winner’s list after consecutive tiebreak defeats.

Bowl Movements continued their climb up the ladder after the Week 1 disaster, going from 19th to 12th thanks to defeating the Pepperjacks in straight sets on Grass Rink 4 (9-2 6-4), with the game largely being decided by Bowl Movements dominating the powerplays, holding both of their powerplays while also holding on both of the Pepperjacks’ powerplays, the last of which was a double powerplay final end to decide the 2nd Set & the game, as Richard from Pepperjacks landed a toucher (And a voucher to go with it), but he was outdrawn by Bowl Movements man mountain Alex, who claimed the honours in the clash of the Alexanders, leaving the Pepperjacks winless and stuck in 22nd after Week 3, as this name change suggests that young Alex can’t handle the red wine.

A rather spectacular result was the performance of Rip it Up against the CDs on Synthetic Rink 3, as the CDs turned a 6-6 1st Set into a blowout on the final end by holding 4 on their powerplay to make it 14-6, then Rip It Up smuggled in the 2nd Set 4-3 (Thus losing the variance by 7 shots), securing the set thanks to a final end measure for 3rd shot which was so close it had to involve yours truly and Half Price, ultimately going the way of Brad Coopes by no more than a fingernail to win the set by the barest of margins, and despite losing the mat for the tiebreak, Coopes and Craig managed to keep 2 bowls in bounds on a long end to win the game as the CDs got scratched, with the final end being something that had to be seen to be believed…

Not that Rip It Up won the tiebreak, but the fact that Coopes kept 1 bowl in bounds.

Another honourable loss for the CDs, having won the variance across the sets by 7 shots.

And the lucky last result, which was quite comfortably the contest of the night, was Manning Up against the Sausage Bowls on Synthetic Rink 1, and the Sausage Bowls were another of those teams who needed some help due to events going on at Como, which meant we were introduced to Trudy and the crew, who none of us had ever met before, but definitely knew by the end of the night as she pretty much willed the Sausages to the edge of glory, winning the 1st Set 5-4 thanks to a last end powerplay, but Manning Up won the 2nd Set with an identical scoreline to even the final variance, sending the game to a tiebreak that was described to me as being near enough to a dead heat…

Fortunately for John and Manning Up, he was the one with the tape, and there was a margin in favour of Manning Up by a Maxwell Smart.

As for who bowled the winner, for the purposes of comedy, we’ll claim it was Trav.

Results

Grass 1: B Cups 1 (4pts +11) defeated Salty Bowls, 6/2 10/3

Grass 2: Macatac (3pts +2) defeated Bowled Guys (2pts -2), 3/4 9/6 2/0 in the tiebreak

Grass 3: Crawshaw CC (3pts +1) defeated Norfolk Enchants (1pt -1), 4/3 4/4

Grass 4: Bowl Movements (4pts +9) defeated Pepperjacks, 9/2 6/4

Synthetic 1: Manning Up (3pts 0) defeated Sausage Bowls (2pts 0), 4/5 5/4 1/0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 2: Buffed Helmets (4pts +6) defeated Verse 1, 5/3 8/4

Synthetic 3: Rip It Up (3pts -7) defeated CDs (2pts +7), 6/14 4/3 2/0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 4: Bowling Stones (4pts +13) defeated B Cups 2, 9/2 7/1

Synthetic 5: Great Bowls of Fire (3pts -6) defeated Chiko Bowls (2pts +6), 0/7 4/3 2/0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 6: Ten Pin (3pts +8) defeated Unbelievabowls (1pt -8), 11/2 6/6

Synthetic 7: Rock N Bowl (3pts +11) defeated Holding Shots (2pts -11), 4/6 15/2 1/0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 8: Shapes (4pts +13) defeated Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good, 11/2 6/2

Ladder

Captain’s Comments

Quinny, Norfolk Enchants: “We got a laugh because Graeme from Crawshaw was wearing a Norfolk Island hat, playing against the Norfolkers… based on some his bowls, we thought he was playing for us!”

Todd, Great Bowls of Fire: “Tiebreak win, first time all season we’ve had the full team in and look what happened… we should send Jonesy to Bali every weekend!”

John, Manning Up: “It’s a game of millimeters… lucky I did the measuring.”

Wilko, Crawshaw CC: “The only thing I’ve learned in 5 years is that we’re still shocking readers of bowls out of the hand”

Nat, CDs: “Honourable losses the last 2 weeks, we’ve been close without getting a win… beware, the CDs are a threat!”

Craig, Rip It Up: “The measure on the last end defined the result… it got us into the tiebreak and we put them to sleep!”

Fuzzy, Buffed Helmets: “Kip bowled a wrong bias and claimed he didn’t have any coins to pay the fine… one of his teammates had to pay it for him”

Scotty, Buffed Helmets: “The sad part was that wrong bias was his closest bowl all night.”