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Before we begin, a big thanks to the following people for their work throughout the season – Richard ‘Half’ Price, the Simon to this Garfunkel, the entire bar staff for enduring copious amounts of hours cleaning pints and wine glasses, Alison Millington and her crew of kitchen volunteers, Dangerous Dave Nester for allowing us to use D Green, and to our various assistants (Christine Ellis, Adam Mac) for their general assistance with all things bowls!

They say all good things must come to an end, and that was exactly the case down at Manning Memorial as the Spring 2024 edition of Manning Jack Attack reached Finals Week, bringing a close to what has been another competitive edition of the Greatest Social Bowls Competition Between Manning Road and the Canning River, and if there’s a better Jack Attack competition in Australia, then I haven’t bothered looking at it.

In case you’re unaware of the format, Finals Week is very simple – The major prize money finals are 1st vs 2nd, 3rd vs 4th, 5th vs 6th with the return of the 7th vs 8th final for this season, the remaining teams play off in ladder order, provided there isn’t a doubled up fixture from this season, and the teams in last and second-last play off to get their names drawn onto the Wooden Spoon trophy by John McGinn from Manning Up:

While the winners get a roll of toilet paper, because if you finish last, then you’re crap, and if you finish second-last you’re close to crap, and what’s close to crap?

Toilet paper.

That joke was funny the first time I told it.

As for the prize money, with the inclusion of 7th and 8th, plus Pricey’s usual deduction of a new fishing rod every week, the winners for this season got $150, runners up got $120, 3rd place $100, 4th $80, 5th $70, 6th $60, 7th $50 and 8th $40.

On another note, the 18th of December is the latest finish in history to a Spring Jack Attack season, and to be honest it will be hard to top as a record, unless another pandemic happens right before Christmas and we postpone the season to 2025, because we have agreed to have a look at the starting date for the Spring 2025 competition, and it seems October 29 is the early betting favourite.

Now, on to the story:

The Spider Challenge

Week 6 kicked off with the last of the Spider Challenges for this season, and interestingly it was the only time in the 3 editions of the Spider Challenge that the jack hadn’t moved at all (It was in the dead centre of the green), and once we sorted through the bowls the winner was Sharyn from B Cups 1, and the runner-up was Pierre from Shapes, which was the only runner-up finish the Shapes had on Wednesday night:

Looking back through the replay, Sharyn’s bowl was going to travel several metres past the jack, but it seemed Newton’s Laws of Motion kicked in when it was hit by a bowl of greater force and was propelled back to finish 2 foot from the jack, it then missed being taken out by a purple bowl by a bee’s diaphragm, and was a lock for victory until a late driven bowl came through and smashed the shot bowl so hard that it was going to D Green, but by pure timing, another late bowl was also coming through, and so Sharyn’s bowl got the shoulder of that bowl and stayed for shot, while the other two bowls flew off to nowhere and Pierre became second shot.

A series of absolutely unbelievable events… or should I say, unbelievabowl.

The Overall Night

On what was a perfect night for bowling, we shall start with the important result of the night, the WINNERS of the Grand Final on TV Rinkside, earning the title of Champions of Challenger Avenue….

SHAPES!

The good part about the final was that we were guaranteed to see a first-time champion, but from the first bowl of the game you could see the Shapes boys (Craig, Tristan, Pierre and Peter) were locked in when they drew 5 bowls within 2 feet (They still only held 1 thanks to Sam), and ultimately it was Craig’s tactic of short ends that proved devastatingly effective against Tiff and the team, as the Shapes had the Stones playing with too much weight for a quick green, and they picked up end after end, winning the 1st Set 7-1, then turned up the wick in the 2nd Set and had the title won with an end to play, despite the fact the Stones were going to use their powerplay on the last end…

For the record, the Stones ultimately did hold 2 (4) on that powerplay as Tiff moved a bowl onto the jack and kicked it right where they had 2 catchers, making the 2nd Set score 16-4, and if it were last bowl wins, then it was a happy ending for the Stones.

Well done to the Shapes on their unbeaten season, and they’re another team that started from scratch and reached the summit, and speaking to the Shapes after the presentation, Tristan perked my interest when he mentioned the Shapes’ debut game on a Wednesday night was AGAINST the Bowling Stones in the 2022 Spring Challenge, and once I checked back, he was dead right – The teams played in Week 1 of the 2022 Spring Challenge and the Shapes won in a tiebreak, on the way to finishing 2nd in that 3-week comp.

Funny how the world works.

On top of that, it was decreed that this season’s Mitchell Trophy winner as the best & fairest player of Manning Jack Attack was Pete from the victorious Shapes team, and as per usual it was a tough choice with some names who made themselves and their teammates better every night, but Pete stuck out to myself as he fronted up every week at 5pm (Before most people even realised Jack Attack was on that night) to get his teammates their bowls and buy the first round from the bar, then served as the bedrock of the Shapes pretty much every week, and backed it up by putting down solid bowls all season, finishing with a title.

I did think about awarding it to Craig as team leader, but Pete’s donkey work pre-game was vital to setting up Craig’s good work.

So for every winner there has to be a runner-up, and this season it was the Bowling Stones, and they are another great example of a team starting from absolutely nothing, as myself and Half Price can still recall the first time the ladies came down on a Wednesday night to get a bowling lesson from Manning oracle Sue Hogg (Week 3 of 2020), then they debuted in Jack Attack the next week having figured out where the bias was, and 4 years later they cracked the Grand Final for the first time, after at least one Top 6 finish and a toilet roll for being Close to Crap.

I didn’t get a runner-up photo of the Stones, simply because it didn’t feel like the right time after such a devastating defeat, but I went back through the archives and found a photo from happier times, so here’s all the ladies together from finishing 5th in the Spring 2023 competition:

To the Bowling Stones I say, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you’ll get what you need.

Moving on to the 3rd vs 4th game between Macatac and Crawshaw Crisis Committee, and it was another landslide straight sets win, in this case to the Maccers, who won the 1st Set 9-2, then pitched a 2nd Set shutout to end the season with a 10-0 win, as Wilko’s decision to pay off Disorderly Decca to go Busselton with Patsy backfired, as they could’ve used him to engage in mind games with the Maccers by asking them if they inhaled or exhaled before they bowled.

So that comfortably secured the bronze medal for Macatac, leaving Crawshaw as the red-headed stepkids in 4th and as Wilko mentioned to myself, Crawshaw tried playing well on Wednesday and got belted, whereas in other weeks they’ve bowled like crap and won, so clearly they should’ve stuck to bowling like crap.

The 5th vs 6th game between Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good and Norfolk Enchants was the most competitive of the finals, being the only one that went to a tiebreak, as EBIG started off with an 11-3 win in the 1st Set, but Quinny, Tim and Guy responded to win the 2nd Set 5-3, as it was during this set that Lee from EBIG was alleged to bowled a wrong bias that he never paid up for, but when it came down to the tiebreak, Dave from EBIG put the heat on Quinny in the tiebreak by drawing shot, forcing Guy to try and hit it out with his last 2 bowls, but he was ultimately unsuccessful, and Ben had the luxury of being able to waste his last bowl, ensuring 5th place for this season went to Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good, while the Norfolkers are back in the Top 6 after their premiership hangover last summer.

The last of the money finals was the 7th vs 8th game between Ten Pin (Peter, Deb and Greg) and the Buffed Helmets, who were thankfully available after being wiped out last week, but this week Carry, Mazey and Kip were available, and they even had team mascot/punching bag Carmo on hand to watch.

Any fears of rust after missing a week were quickly put to rest when The Buffs won the 1st Set 10-4, then they crucially stifled Ten Pin’s 2nd Set powerplay to lead 3-2 with an end to play, and on that last end they held Ten Pin to 1, drawing the set 3-3 to finish the game, and after first seeing the scores I was questioning the result, seeing as it was a Ten Pin game that didn’t end up in a tiebreak, but correct weight was declared and the Buffed Helmets were confirmed for 7th, while Ten Pin took the last spot in the Top 8.

As for the other important game of the night, that being the Wooden Spoon game between the Unbelievabowls and Salty Bowls…. well, it never took place as Salty Bowls didn’t turn up, giving them the Wooden Spoon by default, as the Unbelievabowls were handed the toilet paper for being Close to Crap (Although Amanda didn’t take it home), while they did receive compensation for being denied a game in the last week.

So, if you want a photo from the wooden spoon game, here it is:

Before completing the remaining results for Week 6, I should also mention that this was the last night for wrong bias donations/fines to Plugger The Pig, and thanks to a big push from all of the teams to fatten up the pig during the presentation, the final tally given over to our kitchen leader Alison Millington was $200 over the course of 6 weeks – Well done to all teams on your generosity, Alison has informed me that her charity of choice is the Cancer Council of Australia.

Now, completing the results for Week 6:

Rock N Bowl (With help from Duncan Mac) secured 9th place with comfortable straight sets win against B Cups 1 on Synthetic 1, winning the 1st Set 9-2 thanks to a 5 on the 4th End (They had held on to their powerplay until the final end), and the 2nd Set was a high-scoring duel as both teams held their powerplays, with B Cups 1 holding 3 (6) on the 1st End to set up a decent lead, but Rock N Bowl picked up another 5 on the next end, then played their powerplay and held 3 (6), and ran out the game with a 15-6 win in the set.

After a tough season, the Pepperjacks finished up with a thumping win in straight sets against Sausage Bowls on Synthetic Rink 6, winning the 1st Set 10-1, then seeing out the game with a 9-5 win in the 2nd Set, as once again Alex was robbed of 2 toucher vouchers with poorly timed, albeit well played shots.

It appears I never actually took a proper photo of the game, although I did find this photo of Alex strutting down the rink following his bowl while Trudy from Sausage Bowls waited on the mat:

If you’re wondering, Alex’s shirt says WTF – The Element of Surprise.

There’s never a dull moment with Alex.

On Synthetic Rink 7, the Bowled Guys closed off the season with their third consecutive win, defeating the Chiko Bowls after the 1st Set finished in a 7-7 draw (The Bowled Guys were ahead 7-2 but dropped the last 5 shots), then our resident chrome domes won the 2nd Set 9-5, set up by stifling the Chiko’s powerplay on the first end, then holding 3 (6) on their own powerplay, setting up what was a game-winning lead.

Synthetic Rink 8 featured an almighty grudge match between the Great Bowls of Fire and the CDs, and having played against the Bowled Guys last week it was sheer dumb luck that the CDs would be lined up in 13th and 14th alongside the Great Bowls on the ladder prior to Week 6, giving us a contest between Jonesy and his bride Kelly, while Nat, Marg and Helen no doubt engaged in a sledging contest with Todd.

As for the game, it was full of violent momentum swings as the Great Bowls kicked it off by winning the 1st Set in a 10-1 thumping, then the CDs nearly reversed the score by winning the 2nd Set 10-2 to force the tiebreak, however the Great Bowls found just enough to scrounge the shot and finish off the season with a hard-fought win, as they get ready for another tilt at the Summer Jack Attack title.

Speaking to our resident David Koch lookalike after the game, I don’t think Todd was focused on defeating the CDs, he focused more on not losing to them.

Funnily enough, that was the only other game on Wednesday night that was decided in a tiebreak.

Moving over to the Grass for the last 3 games:

With some 10 players on hand, Bowl Movements recorded the biggest overall win of the night as they comfortably defeated Holding Shots in straight sets on Grass Rink 4, giving up only 2 shots on 1 end as they won the 1st Set 10-2, then they ran away with the 2nd Set in a 13-0 shutout, finishing 21 shots ahead to match the biggest winning margin by any team this season, alongside Verse 1 in Week 1.

A big win for Bowl Movements, and with that many players on hand they could almost field a second team next season.

Rip It Up finished their season with a win against Verse 1 on Grass Rink 3, as the 1st Set finished in a 6-6 draw, a score that would usually require a tiebreak in a tennis match a few hundred metres away at Manning Tennis Club, but this time around it was straight on to the 2nd Set, and it would be Rip It Up who lived up to their name by ripping it up and winning 10-2 to finish off the season with a win, as Verse 1 finished off the season by going winless after Week 2… turns out they’re not very good at being bowling blaggards.

And the last result of the night, the season and the year 2024 AD was the game between Manning Up and B Cups on Grass Rink 2, a well-spirited game in which Manning Up won the 1st Set 9-2 as all the micromanagers contributed well, and that score could easily have been more had Tres from B Cups 2 not connected on several howitzer drives to break up the head, then in the 2nd Set the B Cups held 3 on the first end, but Manning Up got them all back on an end in which they stifled the B Cups’ powerplay, and the scores were at 4-4 with an end to play, and with a potential tiebreak on the line while everyone was inside drinking, Tres went for one last drive and hit the jack again…

But John got the tape out and Manning Up comfortably held the shot on what was their powerplay end to make it 2 shots, winning the set 6-4, which made it a slightly redundant powerplay because they only needed 1 shot to seal the win.

I will also note that we gave a special prize to Tres from B Cups 2 for the best Christmas dress of the night, for her bright green outfit that wasn’t afraid to stick out in the crowd… the prize was a bottle of Pepperjack Shiraz.

One final note for the record, this was the Top 3 on the night, although as is tradition we didn’t pay out on the Top 3 for Week 6:

1st: Bowl Movements (4pts +21)

2nd: Shapes (4pts +18)

3rd: Macatac (4pts +17)

When you see those margins, you can see the effects of an un-handicapped draw.

Results

Grand Final (Synthetic 3): Shapes defeated Bowling Stones, 7/1 16/4

3rd vs 4th (Synthetic 4): Macatac defeated Crawshaw CC, 9/2 10/0

5th vs 6th (Synthetic 5): Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good defeated Norfolk Enchants, 11/3 3/5 1/0 in the tiebreak

7th vs 8th (Synthetic 2): Buffed Helmets defeated Ten Pin, 10/4 3/3

Wooden Spoon/Close To Crap Game: Unbelievabowls won in a walkover against Salty Bowls

Other games

Grass 2: Manning Up (4pts +9) defeated B Cups 2, 9/2 6/4

Grass 3: Rip It Up (3pts +8) defeated Verse 1 (1pt -8), 6/6 10/2

Grass 4: Bowl Movements (4pts +21) defeated Holding Shots, 10/2 13/0

Synthetic 1: Rock N Bowl (4pts +16) defeated B Cups 1, 9/2 15/6

Synthetic 6: Pepperjacks (4pts +13) defeated Sausage Bowls, 10/1 9/5

Synthetic 7: Bowled Guys (3pts +4) defeated Chiko Bowls (1pt -4), 7/7 9/5

Synthetic 8: Great Bowls of Fire (3pts +1) defeated CDs, 10/1 2/10 1/0 in the tiebreak

Ladder

Captain’s Comments

Kym, Crawshaw CC: “We had to pay Decca to go to Busselton, so Patsy went to Busselton, and Decca was smart enough to go too.”

Mazey, Buffed Helmets: “Scotty’s gone to Thailand, Fuzzy hosting a 30th birthday took us both out last week, and Carmo abandoned the team when we needed him, so it was a perfect storm for a forfeit.”

Craig, Shapes: “Sometimes Ebowla Bad, but this season Webowla Good”

Peter, Shapes: “We were worried we were going to be Sydney and not Brisbane”

Quinny: “There was a wrong bias by Lee at a crucial end and I’m not sure he made a donation to the pig… I didn’t see no donation!”

Todd, Great Bowls of Fire: “We love the summer, we’re summer people… we need the heat to compete!”

John, Manning Up: “We came out solid right from the start, Tres was superb for B Cups, kept them in the game with 3 drives that got results every time, and even Trav got a drive for us!”

Duncan, Rock N Bowl: “We’d like to say thank you for making us feel welcome for the last 6 weeks as guests of Manning”

Tiff, Bowling Stones: “Disappointed, we didn’t earn a team photo tonight”

Bruce, Bowled Guys: “Thanks to JT and Pricey for the season”

And that is all for Manning Jack Attack…. we will be back for the Summer 2024 competition on FEBRUARY 5.