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I will begin this week’s report with a paragraph I’ve used repeatedly for 4 years:

In golf, people traditionally describe Round 3/Saturday at any tournament to be ‘Moving Day’, which is a term that also applies to Week 5 at Manning Jack Attack, because it’s the last chance for hopeful teams to get themselves in the Money Games (Typically 1st through to 6th) taking place in Week 6, when the Greatest Social Bowls Competition between Manning Road and the Canning River reaches its climax.

Other than that, it was a largely uneventful week, which we were quite thankful for considering there’s a damn cyclone about to turn the east coast into Atlantis, as teams were positively champing at the bit waiting to have a crack at moving up the ladder one last time, while on the weather front, it was a pearler of a night as we came off a 35 degree Celsius day in Perth, with temperatures still hovering at 30 degrees when play commenced at 6:30pm, and it was still 27 degrees when play finished…

But, as we say in these parts, it’s a dry heat.

The Overall Night

Considering the points gap between 2nd and 3rd after Week 4 seemed almost insurmountable, this season didn’t feel as grand a Moving Day as some of the others we’ve had in recent years, such as the epic 5-way tie for 1st in Summer 2023, or that time the Great Bowls of Fire went from 7th to 2nd in Summer 2021, but as it turned out the machinations of the Top 6 were far closer than the final results suggested, as some teams looked like Greg Norman on a Saturday, while others played like Greg Norman on a Sunday.

Starting from the top of the ladder, finishing as the minor premiers for this season are Manning Up, with the greatest variance of any team in the history of Manning Jack Attack (+71 shots), and despite needing only 1 point to guarantee a spot in the Grand Final, they had one heck of a fright against Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good on Grass Rink 1, as they lost their first powerplay end of the season on the opening end, going on to concede the 1st Set 5-3, and their Grand Final spot was on a knife’s edge at 2-2 after 4 ends, and the way results were looking there was every chance they could drop down to 4th (Behind EBIG) if they lost that last end to go down in straight sets…

But the micromanagers held 3 on the last end powerplay to win the set 8-2, and knowing that they’d done enough to appear in the Grand Final was akin to lifting a great weight from their shoulders, as they went on to win the tiebreak to add some caviar to the cake, as John and his team are back in their first Grand Final since Summer 2022, bouncing back from that horrible 2024, and on that note, they’ve scored more points in this season (18) than they did across both 2024 seasons (14)!

It was such a fine margin that had EBIG won that last end, they’d have jumped above Manning Up and potentially finished 2nd, but alas they left too much on young Xavier’s shoulders in a classic case of fathers blaming sons, and the tiebreak defeat also cost them 4th spot on the ladder, and as the old saying goes come fourth and receive eternal life… instead, they finished 5th.

As for Manning Up’s opponents, finishing up in 2nd spot on the ladder after having a flawless run until Wednesday night are Bowl Movements, who used up every single piece of leeway they could spare to maintain a Grand Final spot, as they went up against their good mate Loose Bruce and the Bowled Guys on Synthetic Rink 2, and despite only needing a drawn set to put a Grand Final spot beyond doubt, Bowl Movements were so short-handed that they needed myself to play for them on the opening end (They dropped 2), as even team stalwart Beatrice missed a game for the first time all year, so young James rode down on his bike and fronted up to play the remainder of the game, and it appeared that Alex & the Bowl Movements had done their mate Loose Bruce too big of a favour, as the resident chrome domes (With help from Bruce’s brother-in-law Wayne) won in straight sets, including winning the 2nd Set thanks to a last end powerplay, with the result marking the first points Bowl Movements had dropped all season, and Alex and the team believed that their Grand Final chances had gone the way of Ansett…

But when life closes a door it opens a window, as one particular STUNNING result went their way, ensuring they held on to a Top 2 spot by the skin of their teeth, which also ensures we’ll have a first-time Jack Attack champion this season, while the Bowled Guys were the big winners of Moving Day, jumping from 6th to 4th to secure another spot in the Bronze Medal match, which is at least the third time the Bowled Guys have played off for 3rd without appearing in a Grand Final… they’re basically the Western Bulldogs before Luke Beveridge turned up.

As for that particular STUNNING result, it was reserved for none other than Rock N Bowl, who had a supersub appearance from Duncan Mac in place of Jodie, and they played superbly to win against the Buffed Helmets on Grass Rink 3 and ensure 3rd place on the ladder, but even a victory couldn’t stop them from suffering the cruelest result of any team on Moving Day, as they won the 1st Set 5-1 and were absolutely cruising at 8-0 up after 3 ends, as Luke from Rock N Bowl was delivering a performance that Rob Parrella used to reserve for broadcasts of Jack High…

Then, right as results were falling their way with Manning Up and Bowl Movements languishing, the Buffed Helmets deployed the powerplay on the 4th End and landed 3 shots to cut the deficit to 6-8 as Luke found a situation even he couldn’t save, then a combination of Mazey, Kip and Carry loaded up on the final end, with Luke once again being asked to do everything short of turn water into wine, and the 2nd Set would finish in an 8-8 draw, with that lost point costing Rock N Bowl a spot in the Grand Final.

The Buffs decided if they were going to bowling hell, they were taking Rock N Bowl with them.

So the 3rd vs 4th game will feature Rock N Bowl against the Bowled Guys, with EBIG consigned to 5th spot, and their opponents in the 5th vs 6th game will be the Great Bowls of Fire, who finished in 6th spot after losing to the Sausage Bowls in a tiebreak, and the game kicked off with the Great Bowls making another team change, as Marg from the CD’s came in to fill in for Jonesy, who jetted off to Tasmania prior to the game, and you can only assume that Todd paid for his plane ticket to ensure that he wouldn’t be able to play in Week 5…

As for the game, it was another textbook example of a Week 5 bottlejob, as the Great Bowls dominated the 1st Set with a 16-4 win (4 on the powerplay on the last end to blow it out), but Sausage Bowls scrounged their way back into the game and won the 2nd Set 5-3 to force the tiebreak, then Tim plonked one close and left Todd trying to hit it and force a re-spot, but his last attempt didn’t have enough weight and cut under the head, which means the Great Bowls now have the ignominy of joining Manning Up in finishing in the weekly Top 3 on variance but losing the tiebreak, which made them ineligible to receive prize money, with +10 shots being good enough for 2nd place, and Todd, if you’d like to know who got that rule changed, it was Wilko from Crawshaw in 2021.

“What’s more important, premiership points or percentage?”

The status of the 7th vs 8th game as a Money Final is still to be determined, as Half Price still hasn’t deducted the money from his new fishing rod, but if we do go down to a Top 8, then the game will feature the aforementioned Sausage Bowls, who made it into 7th place on the ladder as the tiebreak kings (Or queens in Trudy’s case) of Summer 2024, up against the 8th placed Unbelievabowls, who claimed the last Top 8 spot as they won a good contest against the Blue Bowls in a tiebreak on Synthetic Rink 4, claiming the 1st Set 8-4 thanks to 3 on a powerplay, then Brad and the Blue Bowls held on to win the 2nd Set 5-3 to force the tiebreak, but that would turn out to be a complete non-event as the Unbelievabowls went on to hold 5 shots, the only problem being that it meant diddly squat considering tiebreaks aren’t counted in variance, and anything more than 1 shot is overkill.

The other important game to be decided next week is the Wooden Spoon/Close To Crap Game, and this year it’ll feature the Top Shots (23rd) against Salty Bowls (24th), and in results that will be discussed shortly, the Top Shots haven’t scored a point since their straight sets victory in Week 1, while the poor old Salties have joined the history books by failing to score a single point through 5 games, although they have only played 4 games considering Week 1 was a walkover defeat.

So summing up the important games to follow next week:

Grand Final: Manning Up vs Bowl Movements

3rd vs 4th: Rock N Bowl vs Bowled Guys

5th vs 6th: Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good vs Great Bowls of Fire

7th vs 8th: Sausage Bowls vs Unbelievabowls (To be determined)

Wooden Spoon/Close To Crap Game: Top Shots vs Salty Bowls

There is also the small matter of the Top 3 from Week 5, and highlighting the wild nature of Moving Day, none of the Top 3 on the night were in the top half of the ladder after Week 4, although we must note that the Great Bowls of Fire (Who were in 5th) did have the 2nd-best variance in Week 5, but losing the tiebreak rendered them ineligible.

Without any further ado, the overall winners for Week 5 were the outgoing champions Shapes, who delivered a lazy straight sets +14 shot victory against Rip It Up on Grass Rink 4, and we did announce Shapes as finishing on +17 shots, but this was due to some missing ends on their scorecard that made him think the 1st Set score was 12-0 when it was in fact 12-3, but it ultimately had no bearing on the money as Shapes were the only team to crack double figures.

As last season showed the Shapes know how to put in a big performance at this time of the season, although their dodgy performances over the previous 4 weeks meant their title defence only progressed as high as 11th on the ladder, while Rip It Up were expecting an uptick in performance with Coopes having absconded to Bali, but the fact they got drawn on Grass ruined any potential gains.

2nd place on the night went to the crew from Rarebirdies, who went into the clubhouse 2nd on the night as they came from behind to win in a tiebreak against the Jack A Hacks (Featuring Dianne Mac, Michael from Crawshaw and Greg the floater) on Grass Rink 5, a fine achievement considering they lost the 1st Set 9-4, but won the 2nd Set 14-0 thanks to holding 5 on their powerplay, and went on to win the tiebreak to finish with a +9 shot victory.

And if you want to see where that ballerina bowl finished…

Shot bowl.

In lieu of getting the prize on the night, Peter agreed to receive 2nd prize (A $20 bar voucher) on Saturday afternoon when most of the Rarebirdies were in attendance at Manning Memorial, a fine acknowledgment for the first collect Rarebirdies have had in Manning Jack Attack… ironically, Peter wasn’t there to receive it.

Finally, 3rd place on the night went to Los Jackobitas, who continued their random season of alternating wins and hideous thrashings by defeating the Salty Bowls in straight sets by +8 shots on Synthetic Rink 7, a game that featured a highly random event as the 1st Set finished as a 7-7 draw (Salties scoring 6 on their powerplay followed by Los Jackobitas drawing the set with 2), so both teams decided to play a tiebreak to decide the 1st Set, with Los Jackobitas ultimately holding 1 shot to win the set 8-7, which forced Half Price to intervene and remind the teams that you only play a tiebreak in the event of split sets or 2 drawn sets, so in effect the 1st Set was played with 6 ends, which we ultimately allowed as both teams had agreed to it…

Then, ensuring the win, Los Jackobitas comfortably won the 2nd Set 9-2, which marks the first time this season the Scottish-Colombians have finished with a positive variance as they made it 3 wins this season, a fair achievement from Chris, Andreas and Catalina after they looked lightyears off the pace in Week 1, while the poor old Salties managed to talk themselves out of scoring a point this season by not realising how tiebreaks work, and they now find themselves featuring in a Wooden Spoon game, with nothing short of a cameo appearance from dear old dad Glen ‘Scratch’ O’Brien can save them.

Finishing off the results for Week 5:

There was one walkover as the aforementioned Top Shots were unable to make it on Wednesday night, which was a great shame because they were drawn for a Manning Darts derby against Verse 1, so that meant Verse 1 were awarded all 4 points to vault themselves well clear of Wooden Spoon danger, so Mick, Peggie and Sally all had a game between themselves…

Even still, a lack of opposition didn’t stop Mick from bowling a wrong bias, for which he dobbed himself in and donated $5 to Plugger the Pig.

Baby Got Jack pulled off a superb victory against Macatac on Synthetic Rink 1, which finished off Macatac’s chances of finishing in the Top 6 by restricting to just 1 point, and prior to the game Alex was bemoaning the fact that he’d never had a win against Macatac with any of his previous team names, to which Half Price told him to go out and make his own history, and sure enough he did, as Baby Got Jack got off to a flyer with their 1st End powerplay tactic by holding 3 on the opening end, followed by 2 on the 2nd End to lead 8-0 in no time at all, and they carried it all the way to an 8-6 victory in the 1st Set, then Macatac took the momentum and led 4-0 in the 2nd Set…

But Alex’s gun skip Richard turned the tide by drawing in 2 superb shots that Russell couldn’t hit out, and BGJ got the mat, picked up 2 more shots and scrounged out a 4-4 draw to seal the win, a result that does serve as one of the big upsets of this season, and Baby Got Jack have now recorded a hat-trick of victories as they came back to 14th on the ladder, while Macatac’s stumble dropped them to 9th, which is probably a fair result considering they never sat in the Top 6 at any stage of the season.

The Crawshaw denizens recorded their first win since Week 1 by defeating the Bowling Stones on Grass Rink 2, as the 1st Set finished in a 6-6 draw to set up a one set shootout between two teams who combined for 1 win this season, but Wilko had learned from last week’s debacle by timing Decca and Graeme’s runs to the bar more ‘efficiently’, and it paid off on the scorecard as Crawshaw ran away with an 8-1 win in the 2nd Set, a result that also kept them clear of the Wooden Spoon game, even if they’re currently in 22nd, which means that the Stones, runners-up last season, are still winless through 5 weeks, as if this season has been the bowling version of Groundhog Day.

And finally, the lucky last game we haven’t mentioned was certainly the most colourful on the night, as we had the second edition of the B Cups Derby between the softball ladies of B Cups 1 and 2, and the highlight of the game was the enormous momentum swings in favour of both teams, as Sharyn’s B Cups 1 started with a massive 13-0 win in the 1st Set, capped off by holding 5 (10) on their powerplay, but in a classic case of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, Lisa’s B Cups 2 responded by pitching a 13-0 shutout in the 2nd Set to even up the variance, sending the game to the tiebreak, and completing the biggest comeback of the night, B Cups 2 would hold shot and get the victory, a result that also saw them finish above B Cups 1, and record a Top 10 finish this season!

It reminded myself and Half Price of a famous game between West Coast and the Western Bulldogs at the WACA in 1998, in which the Bulldogs kicked 8 goals to none in the 1st Quarter to lead by 48 points at Quarter Time… the Eagles responded by kicking 8 goals to none in the 2nd Quarter to lead by 1 point at Half Time, and went on to win the game.

Results

Synthetic 1: Baby Got Jack (3pts +2) defeated Macatac (1pt -2), 8-6 4-4

Synthetic 2: Bowled Guys (4pts +3) defeated Bowl Movements, 6-4 4-3

Synthetic 3: Sausage Bowls (3pts -10) defeated Great Bowls of Fire (2pts +10), 4-16 5-3 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 4: Unbelievabowls (3pts +2) defeated Blue Bowls (2pts -2), 8-4 3-5 5-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 5: Verse 1 (4pts) defeated the Top Shots in a walkover

Synthetic 6: B Cups 2 (3pts 0) defeated B Cups 1 (2pts 0), 0-13 13-0 1-0 in the tiebreak

Synthetic 7: Los Jackobitas (4pts +8) defeated Salty Bowls, 8-7 9-2

Grass 1: Manning Up (3pts +4) defeated Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good (2pts -4), 3-5 8-2 1-0 in the tiebreak

Grass 2: Crawshaw CC (3pts +7) defeated Bowling Stones (1pt -7), 6-6 8-1

Grass 3: Rock N Bowl (3pts +5) defeated Buffed Helmets (1pt -5), 6-1 8-8

Grass 4: Shapes (4pts +14) defeated Rip It Up, 12-3 6-1

Grass 5: Rarebirdies (3pts +9) defeated Jack A Hacks (2pts -9), 4-9 14-0 1-0 in the tiebreak

Ladder

After going through all the results, the only change to the Week 5 ladder was that the Great Bowls of Fire had 1 more shot than the results showed, due to an error from myself in Week 2, although the change to +15 shots had no bearing on the final ladder positions.

Captain’s Comments

Wilko, Crawshaw CC: “The girls have got gastro.. we don’t need that, we’ve got Graeme to give us the shits!”

Mazey, Buffed Helmets: “Team Luke was brilliant but he choked when it mattered most… played like Rob Parrella at the start, turned into Greg Norman at the end.”

Chris, Los Jackobitas: “We were following what they said – After the 1st set it was 7-7, so they said do you just want to play a tiebreak now, and we said alright we’re easy, so we went to Pricey and he informed us you only play the tiebreak when the sets are even… so we played the 2nd Set and still won it.”

Beth, Rip It Up: “I’m not donating because I bowled a wrong bias, I’m doing it because I bowled like crap on the grass – My confidence is broken, I need days to recover.”

Craig, Rip It Up: “I told Coopes you won’t drink enough Bintang stubbies to recover the deficit.”

Todd, Great Bowls of Fire: “Advice for bowl movements next week, get in Manning Up’s heads, remind them that they’re Tiebreak TURKEYS.”

John, Manning Up: “We didn’t deserve to win, EBIG played really well, we just got the right result at the final end and it took all the pressure off for the tiebreaker”

Nikki, Bowl Movements “We allowed the Bowled Guys to move up the table, it was worth the $200 from Bruce”

Alex, Bowl Movements: “We owe the Buffed Helmets a beer… also, Bernice Nolan never misses anything, but she managed to miss Moving Day!”

Half Price: “So Jonesy went to Tasmania, at least there’ll be another head in the team.”