Because after England lost the Ashes in 11 days, just as they did in 2002, I can just re-word the 2021 edition

Welcome newcomers, the tradition of Festivus begins, WITH THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES!

I GOT ALOTTA PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!

YOU, ENGLAND, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR BAZBALL STINKS!

QUIET AUSTRALIA, YOU’LL GET YOURS IN A MINUTE.

ENGLAND, YOU COULDN’T SMOOTH A SILK SHEET IF YOU HAD A HOT DATE WITH A BABE…

I lost my train of thought.