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I will begin this week’s report with a paragraph I’ve now used repeatedly for 5 years:

In golf, people traditionally describe Round 3/Saturday at any tournament to be ‘Moving Day’, which is a term that also applies to Week 5 at Manning Jack Attack, because it’s the last chance for hopeful teams to get themselves in the Money Games (Typically 1st through to 6th) taking place in Week 6, when the Greatest Social Bowls Competition between Manning Road and the Canning River reaches its climax.

Of course, this year was different as we had a very late enforced bye after Week 4 due to the Country Week knockouts at Manning last Wednesday night, which may have been a good week to miss out on because the original Week 5 would’ve been played in temperatures exceeding 30 degrees even after sundown, whereas this Wednesday night was low 20s with a southeasterly breeze, which were the coolest we’d had all season.

Now, the other big news for Jack Attack over the break was that our intrepid reporter JT made it all the way to the Manning Men’s Singles Final on Sunday afternoon, another piece of history as the first Manning Jack Attack graduate to make a club Singles Final.

Of course, he also lost that Final to Warren Holt 18-25 after leading 12-4, making him one of the few players to ever lose the Club Pairs Final and Club Singles Final in the same season, and on top of that he lost Men’s Bowler of the Year by 1 point to complete the Terrible Treble.

See, there’s hope for all Manning Jack Attack players that even they can make it in the big bad world of bowls… well, except the Great Bowls of Fire.

The Overall Night

This year’s hunt for the Grand Final spots was something of an anti-climax as Manning Up were already guaranteed a spot in the decider, and Jack Hughman in 2nd were 3 points clear of 3rd, but it didn’t detract from the typical chaos of Moving Day, with a wild mix of tiebreaks (6/12 games went to tiebreaks) and blowout margins, so much so that +18 shots was ‘only’ good enough to get 4th overall on the night.

Starting off the top, the Grand Final for Summer 2026 will feature Jack Hughman taking on Manning Up, which will mark the first time a Manning Jack Attack Grand Final is a rematch of a Week 5 fixture, as the teams were drawn against each other on Wednesday night, with Jack Hughman needing to win 1 set to guarantee their spot in the Grand Final, and they did it in style by choking out the twice defending premiers in straight sets on Synthetic Rink 2 (7-5 6-1), dropping only two ends for the game and handing Manning Up their first defeat since December, also overtaking Manning Up to claim the minor premiership and joining the very rare club of teams that contested a Grand Final in their debut season, alongside the likes of Macatac and Norfolk Enchants.

The bye also worked out very well for the Hughies, as their spiritual leader Norm was set to miss the original Week 5 due to travel, but he was on deck Wednesday night and managed his team as effectively as ever… on the other hand, Manning Up had a mulligan up their sleeve, and they damn well needed it because they were thoroughly outplayed, and it’ll take a very good performance to turn it around within 7 days and complete the historic Threepeat.

The 3rd vs 4th Bronze Medal game for this season will feature Jackadder against the evergreen Ten Pin, as both teams rocketed into the Top 4 with big straight sets wins on the night, as Alex’s Jackadder handed B Cups 1 a 22-shot mauling on Synthetic Rink 5, starting off the game in amazing style as they picked up 6 on a powerplay on the 1st End, then on the 2nd End they got a full count of 6 to lead 12-0 after 2 ends, going on to win the set 16-1 and finishing off the game with a 10-3 2nd Set win, and in a sign of a wild night, +22 was only good enough for 3rd overall, but nevertheless Alex’s team finished in 3rd for the second consecutive season after sitting 7th after Week 4, while the B Cups 1 plummeted from their promising 5th down to 12th.

And, to answer any questions from the integrity police, this was not Alex’s aunty Sharyn handing him a massive win, as Sharyn was playing for B Cups 2.

As for their opponents, Ten Pin (Peter, Deb and Jack) once again surprised everybody by avoiding their customary tiebreak and winning in straight sets by 18 shots (9-0 12-3) against B Cups 2 on Grass Rink 3, which was good enough for 4th overall on the night and sent them from 8th up to 4th on the ladder for the season, and in this the 10th anniversary season, the most experienced team in Manning Jack Attack are having their best performance since they won the title back in the Summer of 2016…. the old school ten pin bowlers are in fine form.

To save both teams time and effort, we have pencilled in a tiebreak for this Wednesday night.

The 5th vs 6th ‘Consolation’ final will feature Shapes against the Buffed Helmets, as the Shapes boys made a huge move from 11th to 5th on the ladder in Week 5 with a massive straight sets 24-shot win against Pepperjack Attack on Grass Rink 5, and it was a performance that looked very unlikely at the start of the night as the Shapes were reduced to a pairs team of Craig and Tristan as Pierre was struck by influenza and Peter was down south (Which would’ve had him miss the original final week), but playing 3-bowl pairs against Mick, Peg, Ronni and Sally might’ve been an advantage as the boys handled the slow grass superbly and conceded just 1 shot in 10 ends and won 12-0 13-1, which got them both the points and shots to vault up into 5th spot.

It also led to Half Price asking Mick this probing question ahead of the annual Manning Darts St Patrick’s Day tour on Tuesday:

“If you’re bowling that badly before St Patrick’s Day, what’s going to happen next week!”

On the other hand, the Buffed Helmets were extremely stiff as they defeated the Unbelievabowls in a tiebreak and STILL fell from 3rd down to 6th, as if the game between the teams in 3rd and 4th after Week 5 was a poisoned chalice (The winner still wasn’t guaranteed a Top 4 spot with the margins on other rink), with the Helmets winning the 1st Set 4-3 and jumping out to lead 3-1 in the 2nd, then both teams combined to produce some superb draw bowls, especially on the 3rd End when the jack had been hit into the ditch (Both teams decided to play to it instead of re-spotting) and Katie of the Unbelievabowls was able to draw the shot 2 foot from the ditch:

In the end, it went to a tiebreak to decide who got the last finals spot, and ultimately the Helmets prevailed thanks to a bowl from Carry, who had been saving his energy for the ballroom lessons inside, but instead grabbed the jack instead of grabbing a granny.

A potential 7th vs 8th Final (Which would be Blue Bowls vs Unbelievabowls) will be determined by our available finances, so for the time being the last official important game in the last week is the coveted Close To Crap/Wooden Spoon Game, and this season our lucky participants will be the debuting Saxons against last-placed Rock N Bowl, as The Saxons were stone motherless last until this week as they finally broke through for their maiden Manning Jack Attack win against the Gutter Girls on Synthetic Rink 3, with The Saxons holding 4 in the tiebreak to seal the deal 7-5 4-6 4-0, although the points for the 2nd Set win ensured the Gutter Girls were guaranteed to miss the Wooden Spoon game, a success for Wendy, Sue and Leanne, while Rock N Bowl are now completely tanking, as demonstrated by their performance this week, which will be revealed shortly.

Finishing off the other important result for Week 5, the overall winners on the night were Sausage Bowls, who according to themselves are one of the most abused teams in these reports, primarily as I continue to intentionally write Trudi’s name incorrectly (I could’ve sworn that Y was an I), but this week they were the ones handing out the abuse on the scoreboard as they pitched a straight sets shutout on Rock N Bowl by 26 shots on Synthetic Rink 1, the game also seeing big Adam Mac playing alongside his bride Belinda and against cousin Ellen (With Di Mac and Duncan Mac in attendance), but while Macca was caught bowling a wrong bias with his left hand (Which he paid the fine for), it would be Trudi and Ellen’s team that scored a very timely win as they were stuck down in 22nd and facing the prospect of playing in the Wooden Spoon game, but instead that inglorious honour went to Rock N Bowl, only a year after they were a Top 4 team.

Funnily enough, Sausage Bowls also got shutout themselves in Week 5 of last season… they’ve quite literally taken it and dished it out.

So in you case you missed it, the Top 4 teams for Week 5 were:

1st: Sausage Bowls (4pts +26), 2nd: Shapes (4pts +24), 3rd: Jackadder (4pts +22), 4th: Ten Pin (4pts +18).

Now, continuing on with the results, Blue Bowls were the unlucky 7th placed team on the ladder, being the only team with at least 14 points to miss out on the Top 6, but that disappointment didn’t stop Brad and his team taking down Bruce and the Bowled Guys in a classic sledge-filled grudge match on Grass Rink 2, as Brad was caught congratulating himself after playing a good bowl, which led to him copping an absolute roasting from Bruce and Craig;

“Your teammates are supposed to clap for you, you dickhead!”

There was also a humorous instance of Brad hitting the jack and going from 2 down to 4 down on the penultimate end of the 1st Set (3-2 up to 3-6 down), only for the Blue Bowls to get 4 on their powerplay to win the set 7-6, then the Bowled Guys sent the game to a tiebreak by winning the 2nd Set 8-2, and they seemed all set to win the tiebreak, but the man who had worn the dunce hat all night stepped onto the mat with the last bowl in his hand and won the game for the Blue Bowls, for which his teammate Blair gave him a well-earned clap, and even though the Blue Bowls missed the Top 6, Brad’s team defeated both Bruce and Todd this season, so that makes his season an instant success.

Speaking of Todd, the Great Bowls of Fire decided to produce one of their better performances this year as they took down Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good in a tiebreak on Synthetic Rink 7, which kicked off with EBIG hanging on to win the 1st Set 6-5, which left them needing to win the 2nd Set to get into 6th spot with their superior variance to the Buffed Helmets, but Todd’s 60-year-old chrome painted bowls started inflicting carnage on Lee, Ben and Xavier as he produced bowls that swung in from the Challenger Avenue carpark to claim the shot, other times he’d sit the shot bowl out on the end of the ditch, and ultimately the Great Bowls survived a last end powerplay to win the 2nd Set 5-4, and Jonesy and Paul Alphabet ensured no Todd heroics were required in the tiebreak as EBIG couldn’t outdraw the Greek Freak to win the tiebreak for the Great Bowls.

So EBIG got stuck in the coveted Richmond position of 9th, while the Great Bowls had a rare achievement – Not only did the teams have a drawn variance, the Great Bowls’ variance through 5 weeks remains perfectly even!

The Top Shots were rather unfortunate to not finish in the Top 4 on the night, as they produced a dominant straight sets 16-shot win on Synthetic Rink 6, conceding only 1 end for the game (4th End of the 1st Set) as they won 10-2 9-0, vaulting them from 18th to 11th and well clear of any threat of a wooden spoon, and the word from Leslie was that the Top Shots’ title as the friendliest team in Jack Attack might be at risk, because the Trench Wenches were such good company that they may have found a successor.

There was a time years ago when the CDs were the old Manning Primary Mums and the Bowling Stones were the young Manning Primary Mums, although these days they’re both the old school Manning Mums as they clashed on Synthetic Rink 4, the game proving to be one of the last games to finish as both teams thoroughly enjoyed a chat and a wine even more than a bowl, and when it came to the bowls it was a case of an eye for an eye on the last end of both sets as the CDs won the 1st Set by coming from 2-4 down on the last end to hold 8 on a powerplay and win it 10-4, then the Stones won the 2nd Set 11-4 after holding 6 on their last end powerplay, sending the game to a tiebreak in which the old Manning Mums proved the OG Manning Mums as the CDs won the tiebreak, with that result getting them out of danger of the Wooden Spoon game after they were down in 23rd after Week 4.

Also, the official statistics have shown that there was more wine consumed on Rink 4 than the other 11 rinks combined.

And finally, Crawshaw Crescent’s revival kept going strong as they defeated the Salty Bowls in a tiebreak on Grass Rink 1, which saw them climb into 10th on the ladder after being anchored to the bottom following the Week 2 drubbing against Pepperjack Attack, and with Patsy being fed Gravox to combat a bad case of Bali Belly (Not as a cure, just to thicken it up), Wilko, Disorderly Decca and Peter started off well against Griff, Ashley and the Salties to win the 1st Set 7-1, but the young team hit them back and forced a tiebreak with an 8-4 win in the 2nd Set, and ultimately the Crawshaw residents got the shot in the tiebreak, although by forcing a decider the Salties had also saved themselves from the Wooden Spoon, as the 2 points allowed them to escape the Bottom 2 on variance after the review of all the scores through Week 5 had shown they were on 7 points instead of 8, but their superior shot variance over The Saxons got them out of trouble.

And there we go, just 1 week to go.

Results

Grass

Rink 1: Crawshaw CC (3pts +2) defeated Salty Bowls (2pts -2), 7/1 4/8 1/0 in the tiebreak

Rink 2: Blue Bowls (3pts -5) defeated Bowled Guys (2pts +5), 7/6 2/8 1/0 in the tiebreak

Rink 3: Ten Pin (4pts +18) defeated B Cups 2, 9/0 12/3

Rink 4: Buffed Helmets (3pts -1) defeated Unbelievabowls (2pts +1), 4/3 3/5 1/0 in the tiebreak

Rink 5: Shapes (4pts +24) defeated Pepperjack Attack, 12/0 13/1

Synthetic

Rink 1: Sausage Bowls (4pts +26) defeated Rock N Bowl, 14/0 12/0

Rink 2: Jack Hughman (4pts +7) defeated Manning Up, 7/5 6/1

Rink 3: The Saxons (3pts 0) defeated Gutter Girls (2pts 0), 7/5 4/6 4/0 in the tiebreak

Rink 4: CDs (3pts -1) defeated Bowling Stones (2pts +1), 10/4 4/11 1/0 in the tiebreak

Rink 5: Jackadder (4pts +22) defeated B Cups 1, 16/1 10/3

Rink 6: Top Shots (4pts +17) defeated Trench Wenches, 10/2 9/0

Rink 7: Great Bowls of Fire (3pts 0) defeated Ebowla Bad, Ibowla Good (2pts 0), 5/6 5/4 1/0 in the tiebreak

Ladder

Captain’s Comments

Wilko, Crawshaw: “I’ve learned that my daughter wants a bit more privacy… well that’s what I read in her diary!”

Decca, Crawshaw: “Patsy’s Got Bali Belly and I’ve got a solution – Have a couple of spoons of gravox … it might not cure it but it’ll thicken it up a bit!”

Peter, Ten Pin: “Sorry to disappoint you but we won in straight sets”

Alex, Jackadder: “To answer any questions of integrity, I am not a relation of any of the team we played tonight”

Bruce, Bowled Guys: “Brad’s best supporter is Brad”

Brad, Bowled Guys: “He who laughs last laughs LOUDEST.”

John, Manning Up: “We haven’t been in it all night”

Natalie, CDs: “The old Manning Mums are still the OG Manning Mums”

Trudyi, Sausage Bowls: “My name ends in an I, Jason!”

Ronni, Pepperjack Attack: “They flogged the crap out of us!”

And now, a conversation between Macca and Todd:

“How’s it feel being 15th?” – Macca

“Feels better than you tonight!” – Todd