JT’s Useless Previews: The AFL, Round 1

Foooooty is back at last, and to kick off proceedings, let’s see how excited Alastair Clarkson is for the Hawks’ season without Tommy Mitchell!

Don’t worry Clarko, I’m feeling the same thing….. anyway, here’s the games!


Carlton vs Richmond- 7:20pm @ The MCG

Since this picture is currently doing the rounds thanks to the comments of a few neanderthals on Twitter who forced Channel 7 to take it down, I’d like to thank Tayla Harris for not only standing up for women’s football, but for providing the world with proof of a Carlton player getting a kick in 2019.

My hamstrings hurt now (Photo: Michael Willson)

After recording a lazy 2 wins in 2018, the Blues have finally drafted someone to provide support for Patty Cripps- The #1 overall pick, Sam Walsh.

Based on his two JLT games, some of the more ‘passionate’ sects of the Blues fanbase believe Walsh to be the reincarnation of Stephen Silvagni, John Nicholls, Jezza, Bruce Doull, Sticks Kernahan, Fev and Chris Judd put together… which is a very brash assessment to make, considering they didn’t include Craig Bradley or Peter Bosustow.

Meanwhile at Punt Road, Tigers fans are warming up for yet another Bending Over Of The Blue Baggers, and it’s become even more likely with this piece of news from ‘Dimma’:

These are the stats for Lynch’s last two games in Melbourne for the Suns against the Blues:

Round 4, 2017- 19 disposals, 7 goals without a miss

Round 2, 2018- 21 disposals, 8 goals

Based on these numbers and their yearly increase, Lynch will kick off his Tigers career with 23 disposals and 9 goals.


Collingwood vs Geelong- 7:50pm @ The MCG

The Magpies are back on the MCG for the first time since Dom Sheed performed the Temple of Doom heart removal scene on the entire club during the 4th quarter of the Grand Final, and Geelong are back for the first time since their ‘Holy Trinity’ was possessed by a pack of angry Demons and run out of the finals series yet again.

I think that game is now on the DVD extras of The Exorcist.

In this era of parity it’s pretty rare to see a Grand Final loser get even better, but on paper Collingwood look like a huge chance to lose Grand Final number 28- Dayne Beams is back in town, Jordan Roughead provides ruck depth, leaving Nathan Buckley free to insert his Big Cox up opposition backlines- Mason Cox, that is.

A new exciting rookie is academy draftee Isaac Quaynor, who has a game which been likened to former Norm Smith Jason Johannisen, however having seem him, I could’ve sworn he looked closer to Harry O’Brien than the Dunny Brush Head from the Dogs.

Geelong continue their quest to support A-Graders in Selwood and Dangerfield by once again recruiting B-Graders from parts unknown, like Luke Dalhaus from some place called ‘Western’, and Cobden local Gary Rohan from a weird place called ‘Sydney’, who Chris Scott hopes will supplement the loss of Dan Menzel’s lack of forward pressure.

As well as that, there’s Ryan Abbott from Claremont, who continues the Cats’ proud history of recruiting from the WAFL, joining the likes of John K. Watts (True story, he wrote the Cats’ club song), Polly Farmer, Mark Bairstow and Harry Taylor.

And then everyone at the club will act shocked when none of them stand up in September, leading to more questions from the supporters about Chris Scott’s coaching.

Just hope the game is a touch more entertaining than their last encounter on Mother’s Day last year:


Melbourne vs Port Adelaide- 1:45pm @ The MCG

I tuned in to Fox Sports on Tuesday morning, and I could’ve sworn Ken Hinkley was reading straight from some of Kochie’s finest material, as he mentioned that the Power team will have 11 changes from Round 23, 2018 when they play the Dees.

“It makes it hard for Melbourne to predict what we’re going to do, because we don’t know what we’re going to do.” 

“Kenny will take us to a premiership”- Page 45

By taking that quote somewhat out of context, you’d think he was utterly clueless and masquerading as a decent coach… like Homer Simpson!

Half of you vibrate that way, two of you fall down, Westhoff, you just spin around in a circle.

With Jesse Hogan successfully unloaded on Fremantle, expect Sam ‘The Weid’ Weideman to try and stamp his name up forward, as the Dees narrowly get the job done.

Adelaide vs Hawthorn- 4:05pm (4:35pm) @ The Adelaide Oval

This is how I’ll look by quarter time when the Crows are up by 8 goals, as our shallow midfield without Tommy gets the crap beaten out of it by Sloane and Company.

Had to post it again

With Adelaide having recovered from being abducted by The Manson Family during the pre-season of 2018, they’ll probably have the list to make it back inside the Top 8, while the Hawks… I’ll be happy if we miraculously avoid the wooden spoon.

Also, what a change of scenery for Chad Wingard- He’s gone from being booed at Crows fans at the Adelaide Oval, to being booed by Crows fans and Port fans at the Adelaide Oval!

Western Bulldogs vs Sydney Swans- 7:25pm @ Marvel Stadium

Footscray are a pack of cheapskates, as per usual.

First of all, they’ve decided to wear some gimmicky, marketed at the kiddies Thor jumper for their first ever game at ‘Marvel’ Stadium…

What the hell’s with the Pokeballs? (Michael Willson/AFL Media)

Complete with his cape!

(Michael Willson/AFL Media)

And yet, they don’t even go the whole hog and sign the world’s biggest Doggies fan, THE GOD OF THUNDER, Chris Hemsworth, to make his AFL debut!

Instagram: chrishemsworth

Well, after years of laughing at the NRL for selling out to Disney and wearing those pathetic Marvel hero jerseys, the joke has been firmly stuck up our backside.

As for the game, well the only thing I want to see is how funny the Dogs look when they play, and how funny it’d look if the Swans lost to a team wearing that jumper.

Brisbane vs West Coast – 7:20pm (8:20pm) @ The Gabba

West Coast’s premiership defence starts on the road, and it’s already going infinitely better than their last one back in 2007, when Ben Cousins flew off to rehab in Malibu just 5 days before the season began- This time the Eagles went unbeaten in the JLT Series,

The Lions come into the season full of hot air, with many pundits predicting their relatively young team (Average age pumped up by Hodgey) to make a huge impact in 2019 with the inclusion of Fremantle’s best & fairest Lachie Neale.

Yes, Chris Fagan has done very well up in Brisvegas, but to be a wet blanket, the Lions have won 10 games in the last 2 seasons- How about trying to win that many in 2019 before people bang on about finals chances?

Anyway, West Coast suffocated the Lions at The Gabba in Round 23 of last season to lock up 2nd spot, and they haven’t lost to Brisbane since 2012- Perth to Brissy may be the most painful major city flight in Australia but I’ll take the Weagles!

And last but not least, a big congratulations to Shannon ‘Bunga’ Hurn, on 100 games as Eagles captain!

What a character.


St Kilda vs Gold Coast- 1:10pm @ Marvel Stadium

If the Dogs can honour Chris Hemsworth and wear a Thor jumper, why can’t St Kilda honour Eric Bana for his years of support and wear an entirely green uniform to resemble The Incredible Hulk?

Hulk (2003)

Incredible to think that Poida was a few years away from being stuck in the Marvel Cinematic Universe alongside the guy that played Kim from Home and Away.

Anyway, the Saints have had a big pre-season despite losing Jack Steven, the boy from Lorne on the Great Ocean Road, plus Jake Carlisle to a crippling back injury, they should win this one at home, now that the Suns team has either been traded to various parts of Victoria (Lynch, Stephen May and
Kade Kolodjashnij… or is it Kardashian), or are now injured and missing significant time, in fact, don’t be surprised if Stewart Dew has to throw his boots back on and become the unlikely bulky hero, yet again.

The Hulk, Warnie and Molly Meldrum- What a set of fans the Saints have.

GWS vs Essendon- 3:20pm @ Sydney Showground

Very good, Toby San! (Photo: Phill Hillyard)

Essendon’s quest to fill the entire team with former Giants players continued last off-season, when they traded for Dylan Shiel (Or Shiels as Dwayne Russell calls him) to join Devon Smith as Bombers fans once again celebrated winning the Trade Period, which they have come to dominate to supplement their 14 years without a finals win.

After going winless in the JLT, the Dons start to the season is already up the creek, with Joe Daniher missing with a calf injury, and Cale ‘Two-Dollar’ Hooker out until ANZAC Day… in a mere coincedence, with a calf injury.

The Dons under John Worsfold have followed the same pattern since the WADA bans ended- Middle of the road up until Round 11, before finding form and finishing the season strong and then having no impact on the finals.

So on that note, I’ll pick the Giants, despite the fact that I can’t remember who plays for them, now that everyone on their playing list besides Phil Davis, Jeremy Cameron, Lachie Whitfield, Callan Ward and Toby Greene have been pilfered by other clubs.

Fremantle vs North Melbourne- 3:20pm (6:20pm) @ Optus Stadium

It’s great to see that the Fremantle Football Club now has a team full of exemplary players that their fans can be proud of, and are able to publicly support without being mocked and pitied by Eagles fans.

That is of course the Fremantle women’s team, who are getting set for their AFLW Preliminary Final on Saturday!

I remember when I was younger, dad told me a funny story about how Freo used to run out through a shipping container instead of a banner when they first came into the AFL.

For many years I needed proof, well, here it is!

Apparently Freo’s new gimmick after they got rid of that “Dragging Out The Anchor” thing, is to recruit players from interstate clubs who proceed to cause more damage off-field than they do on it- Jesse Hogan is already off to a flying start, though I haven’t heard much from ‘Lory Robb’, very disappointing there.

Anyway, this game is still 4 days away, why the heck am I even bothering to attempt a preview without the teams being released?

Categories: AFL

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