What a weekend of amazing screw ups, and yet again my tips are up the creek without a paddle.

Collingwood (17.8-110) defeated Richmond (10.6-66) @ The MCG

Obligatory shot of the Collingwood banner, which turned out to be spot on.

The 25-9 free kick count gave some Tigers fans a cheap cop out for the fact that they once again had their arses handed to them by Collingwood, and in particular Jordan De Goey, who learned from his Joe the Goose error last week by kicking 5 goals.

The Magpies had 165 more disposals, 26 more tackles, and they took 174 marks to 78, with 159 of those being uncontested marks- Apparently it was the 5th most in a game in recorded history.

And you know how many tackles did Dustin Martin have on Thursday night? I’ll tell you- As many as me, and I was at the Manly Bowling Club on Thursday night.

I also noticed at the start of the last quarter, with Collingwood up by a mere 18 points, that Richmond were afraid to touch Mason Cox in Collingwood’s forward 50, allowing the Big Man to turn like a speed boat instead of the Queen Mary and snap a crucial goal.

It’s only natural to be afraid of touching a Big Cox, as Dylan Grimes found out, when he ran into the big man and hit the deck like a sack of spuds and got Cox a 1-week suspension. Bullcrap.

Of course, the other major news from the night was before the game, when Pies defender Lynden Dunn, on the comeback from an ACL tear, reinjured his knee in his comeback in a VFL practice match. But you know where Dunny was later that night?

In the rooms. Cheering home his mates. What a champ.

If it couldn’t get any worse for Richmond right now, Jack Riewoldt hurt his wrist and will miss a few weeks at the least. A Yellow and Bleak night for the Tiges.

Adelaide (12.16-88) defeated Sydney (8.14-62) @ The SCG

Good to see Sydney’s game plan still hasn’t changed much with Horse- Try and win contested ball, belt it into the forward 50 in the hopes of their star key forward scoring, and the rest will sort itself out.

Buddy, despite not being fully fit, still goes just fine (3 goals), but the alarming problem is that most of the Swans’ key midfielders are now battered like a barramundi at the Mount Henry Tavern, and are physically worn out after years of the same old gameplan.

After I got home and saw the highlights, it was good to see Paul Seedsman dominate for the Crows- That massive torp on Quarter Time will go down as ‘The Seed’s 2nd greatest achievement, behind his ANZAC Day Medal.

The real highlight for the Sydney crowd was the turf crew coming onto the ground to fix the divots with 6 minutes to go. Those fellas were more effective on the ground than Ben Ronke.

From Eddie McGuire saying (in jest) coin tossers should be fined $5000 for screwing up a coin toss (Only problem was the person was Cynthia Barham, who lost her legs in a 2007 Indonesian plane crash), to Brian Taylor asking Rory Sloane about a tattoo of his dead son, I felt it was a fairly mixed night for the TV viewers.

St Kilda (10.16-76) defeated Essendon (9.11-65) @ Marvel Stadium

Great effort by the league office to schedule the start of the game to accommodate the AFLW Grand Final, only to move the GF to early Sunday afternoon and completely ignore the Saturday afternoon timeslot.

Great work fellas.

Ultimately, the only difference it made was that we had to wait an extra 3 hours to see the Dons lose again.

It’s now been 217 days since the Red & Black kicked a goal in the 1st quarter, and considering they’re too busy going to the bench when the ball’s only 5 metres from them and still in play, it’s easy to see why that fact remains alive.

Hang on, did the Saints even win? Apparently they did, so here’s Josh Bruce taking a hanger on Michael Hurley!

Port Adelaide (13.10-88) defeated Carlton (11.6-72) @ Adelaide Oval

As the rain tumbled down in the City of Churches, Carlton were out to avoid another honourable loss, but unfortunately, that’s what they keep on getting, as the Blues kept Port close for pretty much the entire night, before a few late goals got the job done for the hosts.

Showing just how brutal footy can be from week to week, Jack Watts, just a week after achieving personal satisfaction with a win against the Demons, suffered a horrific looking broken leg & dislocated ankle after a tackle from Dale Thomas.

Can’t also forget Charlie Curnow going down with bone bruising on his knee.

And on that cheerful note, congratulations on 250 games to Justin Westhoff!

Geelong (20.6-126) defeated Melbourne (6.10-46) @ GMHBA Stadium

I can’t tell what was worse- Melbourne’s performance, the AFL’s attempt at a meme for Jay Lockhart.

The Cats took home the ‘Bizzell’, and gave the Demons an absolute arse-tearing in a game that was apparently a toss of the coin.

One of these teams is a premiership contender, and at the moment, it sure as hell isn’t the team named after some unholy creature.

Fair dinkum, there’s just something fundamentally broken about the Melbourne Football Club. It’s almost like they sacked the greatest coach in the history of Australian Rules Football in the mid 1960s, and never recovered.

It was a piss take to the point that when Tom bloody Hawkins got a Joe the Goose from Jordan Clark, all he had to do was wait for Clark to keep running and give it back to him for his first AFL goal.

The Dees’ attitude to this season are about the same as Gus Brayshaw’s response to Salt & Vinegar chips from a Cats fan. Actually, well done Gus, they’re a putrid perishable food that should be removed from this country.

West Coast (16.8-104) defeated GWS (7.10-52) @ Optus Stadium

Bunga Hurn’s 250th, Josh Kennedy’s 200th game for the Eagles, Chris Masten’s 200th game, and the biggest highlight of all was Rick the Rock Eagle back flipping off the roof and coming down with the 2018 Premiership Flag.

Who the hell needs Auzzie the Eagle doing his boring-arse flying routine, when they can just have Rick impersonating Ben Cousins escaping from the WA Police every weekend?

Anyway, that’s pretty much it- Easy watch after quarter time for the reigning premiers, who are ON THE BOARD in season 2019.

Brisbane (16.11-107) defeated North Melbourne (13.9-87) @ Marvel Stadium

Broncos? Who are the Broncos?

There’s only one bandwagon you need to get on in Queensland this winter, and it’s the Brissy Bears Bandwagon Bonanza, led by the man who can coach a miracle just because he can, Chris Fagan, and the likes of Cameron, Hipwood, Neale and Geelong castoff turned next Leigh Matthews, Lincoln McCarthy!

Records this season:

Brisbane Lions: 2-0

Brisbane Broncos: 1-2

Get on board.

Western Bulldogs (16.10-106) defeated Hawthorn (13.9-87) @ The MCG

Back in the 1990s and 2000s, in an effort to distract the world from the game that had just been played, the great Kevin Sheedy would blame the ‘Martians’ and a man called ‘Vlad’ for Essendon losing, believing they had conspired to dent the Bombers a victory, and also to make sure he wasn’t fined $10,000 by the league.

Well I believe the Martians fired their lasers at Hawthorn players throughout the game on Sunday afternoon, which contributed to injuring two of our players and conceding a lazy 9 goals in the last quarter.

Yes, that should do.

Gold Coast (7.19-51) defeated Fremantle (8.10-58) @ Metricon Stadium

“If you want my body and you think I’m Sexton,
Come on, sugar, tell me so!
If you really need me, just reach out and kick to me,
Come on, honey, tell me so!

Alex “Rod Stewart” Sexton, 2019

By some divine miracle, the Suns kicked 22 Fremantle behinds to conclude the round, and in addition, they also kicked an utterly pathetic 19 behinds in front of goal. They could have won this game by at least 50 points, but they are the Gold Coast.

Alex Sexton also could’ve had a monster lead in the Coleman, but he ultimately kicked a mere 4.5 to go to 8 goals for the season and lead by only 1. Actually, if you take out Sexton, the Suns kicked an amazing 3.14- Wow, what accuracy!

Ross Lyon without Jesse Hogan in the Dockers team: 141 points and the most entertaining team in footy

Ross Lyon with Jesse Hogan in the team: Plays the sort of footy that has people wanting his head skewered on top of Fremantle Prison