The AFL Review: Round 3, 2019

Well after yet another crap round, I’m fed up- footy tipping can go and get f-

And now back to regular programming.

Geelong (14.15-99) vs Adelaide (10.15-75) @ The Adelaide Oval

Get a haircut you greasy hippy (Photo: James Elsby/AFL Photos)

I’m not sure Don Pyke told his players that the key to not giving away 50 metre penalties is to not tackle opposition players after they take a mark.

In watching the Crows in the 1st half, I now understand how the Hawks held them to 7 goals back in Round 1…. Their kicking Inside 50 was so awful all night that Australia Post would’ve been a better option to deliver it in, probably via Cooper Pedy, before being lost somewhere in Streaky Bay.

On the flip side, the Cats and Chris Scott must’ve been laughing at the Crows’ forward 50 entries- Whenever the Crows committed one of their many clangers inside 50, it seemed like the Catters would just show them how to move the ball efficiently, and invariably someone like Dangerfield or Tim Kelly would pick out Gryan Miers, Tom Hawkins, or Gary Rohan, who did the rest.

Or sometimes, Danger just did it himself.

Rohan has now taken the role of Geelong’s resident Ranga, previously held by Scratcher Neal, Neville ‘Squealer’ Bruns and Cameron Ling.

What a head. (

The Crows would eventually make a comeback, and closed to within 3 points at 3/4 time.

The moment that decided the game took place with 11 minutes to go, with the Cats leading by 6 points and the Crows on the attack.

Brad Crouch marked a centering kick from Tom Lynch that was called play-on for not travelling 15 metres (Correct decision), so he launched a textbook snap on goal… that went right across the face and barely snuck in for a point.

Video: Channel 7 & AFL

Geelong then played on from the kick in, went Inside 50, and Gazza duly converted from 45m out, and with the momentum, the Cats kicked 2 more goals in as many minutes, and sealed the win thanks to Flyin’ Gryan!

The end of the game was soured when one of my all-time favourites Paul ‘The Seed’ Seedsman went down with a knee injury with 3 minutes to go.

With the precedent set by Erin Phillips last Sunday, every player must be given a lap of honour going off on the cart, and that’s what the Seed got, primarily because the driver had NFI where the Crows rooms were.

Seedsman was then transferred to hospital, and diagnosed with a torn ACL.

He was then transferred to a better hospital, where his condition was upgraded to not a torn ACL.

The Crows have lost both games at the AO to begin 2019, and the performance that they dished up is a fair reflection on Adelaide as a footy club- They should be South Australia’s answer to West Coast, but at best, they’re slightly better than mediocre.

Gryan may have a name and haircut that the United Nations would deem a crime against humanity, but after watching him play through the first 3 games, I’m sure The Hague would be happy to let him off.

Essendon (20.10-130) defeated Melbourne (18.4-112) @ The MCG

The Tank vs The Dank

Nice to see two teams kick well for a change.

The coffin lid on Melbourne’s tanking in 2009 was conveniently lifted by the Herald Sun (Hint: Stevie Wonder could see they were tanking), a day before their season-defining clash against the Bombers, detailing all the transcripts of the AFL investigation, full of tidbits like Dean Bailey admitting to being pressured into tanking, and how they were booking in players for surgery for minor injuries… in Round 16.

Wow, what riveting, new information, I wonder what we’re going to find out next- Melbourne sacked Norm Smith in 1965?

On the field, Melbourne may well be tanking a decade on, because in the first quarter, their awful backline was once again torn to shreds with ruthless efficiency by a team that hadn’t even kicked a goal in the first quarter all season- The Bombers leading 6.4 (40) to 3.1 (19)

The Dees actually did manage to come back from 4 goals down to kick 7 goals in a row and lead at half-time (61 to 54) and then, as if they had learned absolutely nothing, allowed the Bombers to kick the first 7 goals of the 3rd quarter, which if you include the goal to Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti before the half, made it 8 consecutive goals.

The real highlight was the return to form of Tippa, who kicked 4 goals and was more than happy to rip the piss out of the Dees’ backline.

Despite the Dees scoring 6 goals in the last quarter and finishing up with a very accurate 18.4, they only got within 3 goals thanks to their backine bleeding like a prisoner caught in barbed wire, and the Dons scored 5 of their own to send Melbourne on the end of every ‘Owen-Three’ joke in town.

After Geelong had 26 scores from 48 Inside 50s last week, the Bombers on Friday night were better than that, scoring 30 times from 53 Inside 50s.

Just cut the crap and move Melbourne to Tasmania and call them the Van Diemens.

The Planes are on the board in 2019!

Sydney (14.9-93) defeated Carlton @ Marvel Stadium

Bloods defeat Cripps in latest case of gang warfare

The good news for both teams was that regardless of the result, Melbourne were going to be the team taking all the bullets from the Fourth Estate this week.

Despite another honourable performance by Carlton, it was the amateur Swans (As I called them), who came to town and didn’t even need Buddy to kick 10 goals on Liam Jones, preferring to rely on Isaac Heeney with his 26 disposals and 4 goals to record their first win of 2019.

It wasn’t all good news, as Will Hayward will be eating food out of a straw for a few weeks with a broken jaw, and Jarrad McVeigh suffered what was believed to be a rigor mortis-related quad injury.

Patty Cripps is used to carrying 21 players on his back, and now he’s decided to carry opposition players… as Tom Papley learned.

And Crippa still managed to get the handball away without sending Paps on a one-way ticket to Suplex City at the same time.

Still, the Blues had more highlights than a near wrestling match, with Sam Walsh kicking his 1st goal in league footy, and Ed Curnow, who once looked like Kramer back in 2013, kicked 4 goals, and Mitch McGovern somehow kicked this goal:

And it was a historic performance for Carlton, as Marc Murphy and Kade Simpson became part of an elite club!

In 2006: Sydney started 0-2, won their first game of the season against Carlton at Docklands in Round 3, and then played Melbourne at the SCG.

In 2019: Sydney started 0-2, won their first game of the season against Carlton at Docklands, and then played Melbourne at the SCG.


Greater Western Jeremies (12.6-78) defeated Richmond (10.16-76) @ GIANTS Stadium

A big effort by Jeremy Cameron and Jeremy Finlayson to defeat the reigning minor premiers, with Finlayson coming up from the backline to kick 5 goals, highlighting just how depleted Richmond’s backline is, while Cameron recorded a career-high 30 disposals and could easily have kicked 10 goals, finishing with 7.5 for the game to race into the lead of the Coleman Medal, with 14 goals.

I remember Scotty Cummings once kicked 7.3 for the Eagles in 1999 against Collingwood, and all Mick Malthouse had to say was that Scotty was still 3 goals short of what he wanted.

The injury list at Punt Road continues to mount, with Jayden Short’s elbow going floppy and captain Trent Cotchin going down with a hamstring injury.

On the flip side of a burning wreck, Sandgroper Sydney Stack made his debut for the Tigers, and it’s only fitting that a bloke named Sydney made his debut in Sydney.

Dustin Martin finally recorded his first 6 tackles for 2019 (Apparently hits off the ball now count as tackles), but Matt De Boer tagged him so badly he broke Dusty’s brain, and by the end he was nothing more than a bloke screaming out, “I want a trip to New Zealand to see my dad.”

Dusty hit De Boer a mile off the ball, giving the Giants the easiest free kick goal ever, and then went one better and gave Shane Mumford the finger and then gesturing him something akin to “Indulge yourself in another line of powder, good sir”.

Thanks to Laceout (Footage: Fox Footy)

In response, Mummy threatened Dusty with a pair of chopsticks.

What is it with Tigers players giving the finger?

Sorry, wrong code.

West Coast Eagles (15.8-98) defeated Collingwood (11.10-76) @ The MCG

Massive crowd, dodgy free kicks, booing everywhere- Was this game at Optus, or the MCG?


The Pies came up with their classic japery:

Twitter: Jake Bozinovski (@TheRealBozza1)

Before ending up on the receiving end of a Stone Cold Stunner from the Eagles, who took the points, just like they took the flag last September.

Twitter: West Coast Eagles

I’m going the early crow just one weekend into April, and declaring that Collingwood are a pack of PHONIES, and the Eagles will finish in the Top 4 yet again.

After the Pies started well and led at quarter time, the Eagles reminded everyone that they’d beaten the Pies 3 times in 2018, and decided to Rotham And Sock ‘Em by debuting some kid called Josh in their backline, while Andrew Gaff came back and recorded 35 disposals like he’d never missed a game for smashing someone’s jaw in.

It was quite natural to see Pies fans booing Dom Sheed due to his role in the Grand Final (Hm, I wonder what he did), so the Eagles decided to add to the hilarity by recreating that moment, with Ryan taking a towering mark and kicking it to Sheed inside 50, who went back and slotted the sealing goal, and recreated his celebration to boot.

Eagles fans have now discovered, one of the only things better than beating Collingwood 3 times in a row, is beating them 4 times in a row, and then 5 times in a row, followed by 6,7, and so on and so forth.

Brisbane Lions (16.11-107) defeated Port Adelaide (13.12-90) @ The Gabba

If you wanted a Grand Final Rematch on a Saturday Night that was entertaining….


Between Eric Hipwood kicking 5 goals with his first 5 kicks (He ended up with 6 goals) and Port’s third gamer Connor Rozee racking up 21 disposals and kicking 5 goals, it was a contest befitting of two unbeaten teams, and for the fans who have been waiting 14 years for a rematch of the 2004 Grand Final.

Throw in Lincoln ‘Leigh Matthews’ McCarthy too!

Halfway through the last quarter, it looked like Port were seriously going to run away with it, after Ollies Wines, in his first game since realising that water skiing is a tad risky, kicked a goal to put the Power up by 10 points, having kicked 4 of the last 5 goals.

Seeking divine intervention from the Lord Fagan, the Lions received a spark in the form of a suspicious free kick to Lachie Neale, fortuitous in that he was slipping over.

Neale kicked a goal, and then the ‘Big O’ Oscar McInerney plucked a huge mark and goal, Hipwood kicked his 6th, and then Charlie Cameron came back from the dead to score a blind 360 goal.

It’s a Faganism Miracle- The Lions are 3-0!

The last time the Lions started 3-0 was 2010, and in Round 3 of that season, they defeated Port Adelaide- More Sp00kiness!

It took a few weeks, but Lions fans have Wood For Hipwood.

Gold Coast (10.13-73) defeated Western Bulldogs (9.14-68) @ Marvel Stadium

Dear Mr Gillon- In watching today’s Doggies vs Suns game, I noticed that Docklands still has that nasty problem with sun glare, for fans, players and camerapeople alike.

In watching the game, it appears that the stadium was built with a retractable roof to deal with these kinds of problems. Why not utilise it, instead of deciding over which mustard jacket you’ll be wearing at this year’s Warrnambool Carnival.

All the best, JT.

Back to the game, and the glare from the sun wasn’t the only problem with solar power for the Dogs- Right from the opening whistle, the misfit Suns only had one goal in mind, although they ended up kicking the opening 4 goals, which was even better, as they led 6.4 (40) to 2.4 (16) at quarter time, a lead they never gave up.

The goals seemed to dry up from there, but more importantly, that 4 goal lead was still there.

In the final quarter, you could definitely tell the Dogs were coming back, due to the excitement in Eddie’s voice starting to rise, most likely at the thought of the plucky Victorian team beating the evil Interstaters, and the Dogs rallied to within a goal with a minute to play, and Billy Gowers could’ve tied the scores with a set shot with 30 seconds to play, but he missed to the right, and the Suns fought out the final seconds to win yet another thriller.

In fairness to Ed, he was right about how big the win was

Much like Team Hope in the Manning Jack Attack, the Suns love a close one.

In the meantime, I’d like to announce that I’m converting to Dewdaism!

Hawthorn (13.9-87) defeated North Melbourne (10.11-71) @ The MCG

I’m confused- These teams are based in Launceston and Hobart, yet they played the game in Melbourne?

And then throw in Jarman Impey, Chad Wingard, Jasper Pittard and Jared Polec, it was Hawthorn vs North Melbourne vs Port Adelaide!

As a Hawks fan and paying member, I spent most of the 1st quarter abusing my own team (Like I seem to do every week), with sayings like how the team having something in common with the Scarecrow from the Wizard Of Oz, in that neither one has a brain.

While all this was happening, North dominated pretty much everything, and if you combined the first quarter with the run the Bulldogs went on last week, Hawthorn conceded some 12 consecutive goals.

Then amazingly, as if we were playing a bottom 2 team, the Hawks found a way back into the game, taking the lead in the 3rd quarter as North keepy-off game plan that pissed me of in kick to kick at school stopped working.

With his debut for Hawthorn today, in which he had 10 disposals and kicked 3 goals, I can now have a live comparison of The Chad to Cyril in a Hawks jumper:

Cyril: Has tattoos, played as a small forward, kicked crazy goals over his shoulder

The Chad: Has tattoos, plays as a small forward, kicked a crazy goal over his shoulder

After the Hawks gave away another four 50m penalties during the game, ironically, a 50m penalty to Luke Breust for his 5th goal sealed the win.

A late goal to Trent Dumont saved North from finishing the round in 18th, giving Melbourne the honour yet again and allowing the Roos fans of Reddit to keep that “North aren’t last” video alive, preserving the crab rave for another week.

Hawthorn’s scores this year: 87, 87 and 87.

Fremantle (11.5-71) defeated St Kilda (9.11-65) @ Optus Stadium

A Nicky Winmar Statue, located only a few hundred metres away from a Freeway named after Polly Farmer.

Two Indigenous icons of WA Football, honoured in their own unique way.

Hang on, did they actually put that statue up, or did they pull more bullcrap and not actually set a date?

As for the game itself, The Saints kicked the first Freo kicked the next 6, the Saints fought back, Fyfe was concussed, the Saints came back again, but Freo held on to win by 5 points, and ended up booing the umpires on the siren after Cam McCarthy gave away a free kick.

Bloody disappointing to see that happen to anyone, and I’ll have to fill this post up to Monday morning, since I’m rushing it up like the cheap flog I am.

Categories: AFL

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