AFL

JT’s Useless Previews: The AFL, Round 4

It’s Game of Thrones round this week, ahead of the final season beginning on Monday morning, so I can only assume that several coaches will be knifed this weekend, never to be seen again.

Usually we have to wait until after Round 23 for that kind of action!

Meanwhile over here in Perth it’s Derby weekend, and The West Australian have cracked the sads over the fact that Eddie McGuire is coming over to Perth to call the game for Fox Footy.

Today’s front page of the rag

I’m surprised they didn’t photoshop Eddie’s head onto Sergeant Schultz’ body.

Anyway, here’s the games:


THURSDAY

Sydney vs Melbourne @ The SCG, 7:20pm AEST

Back in the year 2006, Sydney played Melbourne at the SCG in Round 4, with the Swans coming in to the game with a record of 1-2, and the Demons 0-3.

Hang on, that’s the exact same situation as this week!

Based on their performances this year, Melbourne will have 60 entries Inside 50 during the game and kick something akin to 9.7, while Sydney will also have 60 entries, and kick 20.12, given the Dees backline has been leaking like a hemophiliac throughout Rounds 1-3.

Oh yeah, as for what happened in that 2006 game, Cam Bruce kicked a goal with 44 seconds left to put Melbourne in front, and then from the centre bounce, Nic Malceski missed a shot at goal with 26 seconds left which would’ve tied the scores, handing the Dees a 5 point win (97-92).

For all we know, it could happen again, because life has a funny way of screwing over our tips.

FRIDAY

Collingwood vs Western Bulldogs @ The MCG, 7:50pm AEST

Fantastic that both teams are playing for the first annual Roughead Cup!

No, that’s too confusing to the more well-known Roughead, I’ll call it the J.Roughead Cup instead… No, even that’s too close, screw it, both teams are playing for ‘The Jordan’.

The Pies are coming off yet another loss to the Eagles at the MCG, which has become as expected as death, taxes and the Pies losing a Grand Final, while the Dogs experienced firsthand the awesome power of ‘Dewdaism’, as the Suns jumped them in the first quarter, and the Bullies final quarter charge fell short.

As for this week’s ‘Big Cox’ joke, I’m predicting Nathan Buckley will be charged with bestiality, after he inserts Cox in or around the Doggies’ back-line.

I should conclude by mentioning that Friday will be Chris Mayne’s 200th, a pretty fine achievement, considering his career looked like a well-done steak after moving to the Pies in 2017, when he played 3 games and was dropped to the VFL for the rest of the year.

SATURDAY

Geelong vs GWS @ GMHBA Stadium, 1:45pm AEST

The Cats are unbeaten after three games, and it appears their early success has been built on the fact that their first year players (Atkins, Constable, Clark and Miers) have all come into the team and have provided ample support to the top-liner- I particularly like Jordan Clark, especially with his cricketing background for WA.

The youngsters performing must be a welcome change for Chris Scott, after his previous team makeup of Selwood + Dangerfield and assorted weirdos led to nothing but a string of finals failures when the other 20 players all went missing in September.

Tim Kelly’s ankle is still an unknown after he rolled it against the Crows last Thursday, leading to light week in training, and leaving the folk of Sleepy Hollow sweating on the release of tomorrow’s teams.

On the flip side, the Giants followed up their flat effort in Perth by gathering quite a few Tiger pelts at Olympic Park, highlighted by Jeremy Cameron’s destruction up forward with 7.5 and 30 disposals, as well as Matty De Boer tagging Dustin Martin to the point that he broke Dusty’s brain… if it wasn’t broken before.

The Giants’ only win against the Cats in 7 meetings came back in 2016 in Canberra, which featured Shane Mumford doing his Shane Mumford thing on Mitch Duncan, giving me another reason to play that video for the umpteenth time.

Essendon vs Brisbane Lions @ The MCG, 2:10pm AEST

The last time Essendon and Brisbane played an afternoon game at the MCG was all the way back in the year 2001, sometime around the end of September, and I think a few Lions fans will remember what happened that day.

And then throw in the last time the Dons and Lions played at the MCG, way back in Round 19, 2009.

That time around, Daniel Bradshaw experienced one of the great experiences any footy player can experience… by kicking a goal after the siren!


To snatch a draw.

Hopefully Saturday is just as entertaining, and if the Lions win, we can all read another verse from /u/Captainfizzlefits’ Faganism Bible on Sunday evening.

Port Adelaide vs Richmond @ The Adelaide Oval, 4:05pm ACST

Poor goalkicking in the 2nd quarter (2.7 in total) came back to bite the Power in the arse against the Lions at the Gabba, although the run the Lions had in time-on of the last quarter was probably more influential to the final result.

Connor Rozee’s outstanding performance wasn’t ignored by whoever runs the Rising Star award, with his 21 disposals and 5 goals earning him a nomination for Round 3, and in celebration, Kochie has announced he’ll be wearing Rozee coloured glsses for the rest of the season.

As if Richmond’s ball tearing against GWS was another painful watch, Trent Cotchin is now hamstrung, joining Rance and Riewoldt on the sidelines, and In case you live under a rock and missed it, Dustin Martin did his elbow thing on Adam Kennedy and was suspended for this game, and after getting his suspension downgraded on Tuesday, he’s still suspended for this game.

Expect Richmond fans to be giving the finger to the final scoreboard after they get slapped silly on another trip interstate.

North Melbourne vs Adelaide @ Marvel Stadium, 7:25pm AEST

Expect North to start well (Like they did against the Lions and Hawks), before dying in the arse after quarter time, while Adelaide struggle with the fundamental concept of delivering a kick Inside 50 to a forward target, leaving them unable to score above 90 points yet again.

The Crows haven’t won against the Roos in Melbourne since Round 9, 2013, which was an utterly magical moment as they kicked 5 goals in 9 minutes to win by a point, and I remember it well, because BigFooty then crashed for the next 3 hours.

Will be having a nap and waiting for the Derby to start.

West Coast vs Fremantle @ Optus Stadium, 6:10pm AWST

Having not lost a Derby since 2015, and after their routine ball-tearing of Collingwood, the Eagles are going in to Derby 49 as bigger certainties than some gee gee named Winx in the Queen Elizabeth.

Then again, Chenier was $1.22 at Sandown today and lost, so weirder things have happened.

The last time the Eagles lost a game with Josh Kennedy and Jack Darling in the team was all the way back in 2017 Semi-Final (15 games in all), which if anything, highlights how they need one another to draw key defenders away.

I’m not big on Eastern philosophies, but that’s probably akin to a Yin and Yang pair.

This pissing and moaning in the West Australian about Eddie McGuire coming over to call the game is all it is- Pissing and moaning from a newspaper whose standards have slipped lower than the price of iron ore.

The only problem I find with Eddie’s calling is that his parochial inner Victorian blurts out when a non-Victorian team plays a Victorian team, but that problem doesn’t exist here with both WA teams playing.. which means he’ll only have trouble identifying any of the players.

As for the actual game, if Nat Fyfe plays after that rather sickening concussion, they may as well stuff several hundred thousand dollars in a briefcase and store it away for the lawsuit in 20 years time.

And then again, Fyfe being there or not is the difference between the Dockers losing by 5 goals or 10.

**AND THIS JUST IN AS OF 6:30 WESTERN- FYFIE IS OUT.**

SUNDAY

Gold Coast vs Carlton @ Metricon Stadium, 2:40pm AEST

With the deadweight of former captains May and Lynch off their payroll and languishing in the frozen south, The Suns have embraced the redeeming powers of ‘Dewdaism’, leading to a 2-1 start, capped off by that superb win against the Dogs in Melbourne where they led all day and copped the rough end of the umpires’ whistle.

Their 2-1 start has also led to Tom Lynch asking for a trade back to Queensland, only for Stewie Dew to respond to his pleas with, “New phone, who dis”.

Meanwhile, at Australia’s number one producer of ‘Honourable Losses’, the Blues had another decent performance against the Swannies, only to suffer, yep, you guessed it, another honourable loss.

I’m starting to think that those ‘Green Shoots’ that Brendan Bolton keeps talking about were actually weeds, and that he knows nothing about horticulture, and in more ‘Crap on Carlton’ stuff from me, the last time the Blues kicked more than 100 points in a game was the day Muhammad Ali was promoted to glory, way back in Round 11, 2016.

That’s a full 58 games ago, the 2nd longest streak in club history, behind the 133 games between 1897 and 1904 that it took to actually score 100 points for the first time.

But after winning their last two visits to Carrara, this seems like a perfect storm for the Blues to finally win for the first time since they beat the Suns in Round 19 last year.

And for absolutely no reason, remember when the Suns beat Carlton back in 2012, destroyed their finals chances and got Brett Ratten the flick at the Blues?

That was a Game of Thrones style killing-off even before millions of non-book readers even knew about the Red Wedding.

St Kilda vs Hawthorn @ Marvel Stadium, 3:20pm AEST

Last year, St Kilda played Hawthorn twice, and both times they played the Hawks like they were playing a Grand Final (Say, they played in the ’71 Grand Final)… So predictably, they lost both times, and it’s easy to see why, when you realise they can’t kick a goal from point blank range.

No wonder they call Tim Membrey ‘Skunk’, because fair dinkum, that was stinky.

In Round 22 of last year, when they met again, fans were subjected to quite possibly the worst final quarter seen in living memory (I dropped at least 35 F-Bombs from the couch) in perfect conditions, under the roof.

To briefly describe it, Jade Gresham kicked a goal for the Saints 2 minutes in to close the margin to 3 points, after which the Saints held an eventual Top 4 team goalless for the quarter…

Only to join the Hawks by not scoring a goal for the final 26 minutes, losing by 4 points, as only St Kilda can seem to do.

I’m expecting more of the same on Sunday, as the Saints continually possess the ball against the Hawks’ skeletal remnants of a midfield, only to do nothing with the pill and somehow lose.

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