The AFL Review: Round 5, 2019

Eddie Betts doing his Eddie Betts thing (Photo: AFL Photos)

I got 5 tips this week- Ask Me Anything!

Collingwood (18.15-123) defeated Brisbane (8.13-61) @ The Gabba

Mihocek Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

A Reading From The Faganism Bible- Thankyou, Brother Captainfizzlefits

The expectation before the game led to the first sell-out crowd at the Woolloongabba in 9 years, and as the game progressed, it was apparent why it had only been 9 years, with how poorly Collingwood treated their hosts.

In fact, in the 1st and 3rd quarters, the Pies kicked a grand total of 15.8 (98) to 5.7 (37), and it was a near carbon copy of how the Bombers ripped through the Lions in Round 4- Get the ball in the defensive 50, charge straight through the middle, mark Inside 50, kick goal, rinse and repeat.

Lachie Neale was well neutered by a variety of different Magpies: Adam Treloar, Scott Pendlebury and Brayden Sier, to the degree that he ‘only’ recorded 24 disposals, well down on his average of 39.

Treloar was so effective, he racked up 35 disposals for himself, and was almost best on ground, save for my next subject: Brody Mihocek.

18 disposals, 8 marks and 4.2 for the mature-age master- The leading goalkicker on the ground, although one of his goals in the opening quarter wasn’t looked at by the third umpire on the snicko, leading me to question why Brisbane didn’t use their referral.

“Rock n roll that please.” (Still: Channel 7)

And then there was the other score review in the final quarter, which was called a behind by the goal umpire, and somehow overturned, despite not being completely over the line- The AFL declared both decisions incorrect.

What comforting news for Lions fans- You were only meant to lose by 52 points, not 62.

Dayne Zorko also managed to get away with a fine for elbowing Taylor Adams in the back of the head, coming up lucky on the latest edition of ‘MRO Wheel Of Fortune’.

Anything to get out of being tagged to death by Touk Miller this weekend.

Did I even mention Dayne Beams got booed? Or was it Jack Crisp…. or James Aish…

Essendon (17.14-116) defeated North Melbourne (7.16-58) @ Marvel Stadium


If you kick fewer goals than Wayne Carey and Matty Lloyd in a Charity Kick-Off, you’re probably in trouble.

Good Friday Footy, much like Friday Night Footy, was brought to the game by the North Melbourne Football Club, and much like Fridays, will soon be taken from them, because they’re North Melbourne.

‘We’ really should’ve seen this result coming, especially when Tippa let everyone know a few days in advance what he was eating on Friday.

That was Randy Savage from Tippa.

Essendon pulled a WWF style move by naming Joe Daniher in the magoos, and then suddenly including him in the team before the game to replace Zac Clarke.

Essendon’s VFL team sure could’ve used Joe on Saturday, as they scraped home against North’s reserves by a mere 94 points.

If anything, the Dons screwed up by not leaving it until 5 minutes before the bounce to let the Roos know that Daniher was playing, so they could dim the lights and watch the reaction to the sound of shattering glass.

Despite not having played a competitive game in just under a year, Joe ultimately played most of the game and kicked 2 goals- Including this classic from the centre square.

Between the resurrection of Big Joe for the small fee of $10,000 and playing a guy called Ham (I thought we were having Steamed Clams?) on Good Friday, the game was a massive laughfest for Dons fans.

And finally, with a scoreline of 7.16, you could really see how much the breeze was affecting North’s goalkicking, and I’m surprised Brad Scott didn’t mention it in his press conference.

Wait a minute, the roof was shut?

Oh. Oh dear.

Port Adelaide (13.17-95) defeated West Coast (8.5-53) @ Optus Stadium

“I reckon if you blended the DNA of every Aussie bloke to ever exist to make a human, you’d get Shannon Hurn.”- /u/Griffictoch

You’re bloody right.

And I reckon if you blended a bolt of lightning with a pack of Winnie Blues, you’d get Port Adelaide.

It did seem hilarious to think about the possibility that Scott Lycett would be booed by Eagles fans on his return to Optus Stadium, but then again, Eagles fans aren’t the sharpest tools in the shack.

Fortunately, those concerns were rendered void, as most of the Eagles fans that weren’t drowned by the heavy rains were on the train home at half time when the Power surged out to a 49 point lead, while the Eagles score of 2.2 (14) was odd because it was scored entirely by Jack Petrol-Jelly, formerly known as Jack Petruccelle.

Swamp’s Original Tweet

While Eagles fans were marveling at their own speed demon, Port fans are still wearing their Rozee coloured glasses, and with play like this, they’re not taking them off.

One thing Dwayne Russell liked mentioning, amongst his many list of buzzwords, was how everything was AGAINST THE GRAIN.

West Coast get a kick inside 50? AGAINST THE GRAIN.

West Coast get a free kick paid against them? AGAINST THE GRAIN.

Petrol-Jelly was the only Eagle that showed up for the game, kicking 5 goals, which were so big that they ensured the Eagles only lost by 7 goals instead of 12.

He’ll probably get a Rising Star nomination for it anyway.

And after all the bloodshed, it was truly fitting that an Eagles-Port game ended with a goal after the siren to the Eagles.

Fremantle (16.10-106) defeated GWS (11.16-82) @ Manuka Oval

Even with Cam ‘Dardy Mcrafty’ McCarthy out, before the game, Ross Lyon posed one question to Leon Cameron and the Giants.


I assume this was taken in 2015.

All the talk about Hogan playing in the backline on Jeremy Cameron came to naught, when Ross Lyon decided to play Jesse Hogan at full forward.

Fancy that, playing a full forward… at full forward.

It was a winning move- Hogan finished with 22 disposals, 14 marks, 3 goals, and one Atomic Leg Drop to finish off the Giants in the 4th quarter, as the Dockers kicked 6 unanswered goals to score the biggest win for a bunch of West Aussies in Canberra since… something to do with GST Shares.

I’d also be remiss to not point out the performance of Matthew ‘Grabener’ Taberner, who may have a bit of a wayward left boot, but he makes up for it with velcro hands- 21 disposals, 13 marks, and 3.3.

And throw in Brandon Matera with 16 disposals and 4 goals, Michael Walters with 25 disposals and 3 goals, it was a rare mega day for Freo’s forward line, showing that they do have the players capable of kicking decent scores week by week, it’s just they don’t show it unless Ross The Boss is on the hot seat.

Just showcasing how important goalkicking is, The Giants had 27 scoring shots, and Fremantle had 26- Yet the Dockers ended up winning by 4 goals.

I’m not sure how many Giants players showed up, although Lachy Whitfield was definitely there, because Taylin Duman slapped him in the face off the ball, and… oh yes, stand-in captain Phil Davis rolled his ankle, just to rub salt into the wound.

3-2, in the Top 4, looking down on the Eagles, now the Dockers can look ahead to next Saturday for David Mundy’s 300th game, or as it’s known, MUNDY THREE-HUNDY.

St Kilda (15.5-95) defeated Melbourne (7.13-55) @ The MCG

I can’t decide if St Kilda are good yet, or if Melbourne’s gameplan is a crime against the human race.

True genius, Mexican style

Dermott Brereton showed up at Moorabbin midweek and started coaching the Saints’ forwards, most likely because he still couldn’t remember anything after a big night in Frankston last Tuesday- But wouldn’t you know it, they kicked 95 points from only 20 scoring shots, by far their best return of the year!

The impact of a 5-time Day and 5-time Night Premiership player right there.

Calling Melbourne a ‘Deesgrace’ would be a compliment- Their effort makes me question the point of professional sports, their inability to find targets Inside 50 is vomit inducing, and they handball when they should kick, and kick when they should handball.

Instead of trying to fix them for the 1964th time, how about we just plonk the entire club on a floating door and cast them out into Port Phillip Bay, hopefully to reach Tasmania to be renamed the Devonport Van Diemens.

Last year, Dean Kent left Melbourne assuming he’d been traded from a finals contender to a rabble when he ended up at St Kilda.

Well as it turned out, he was traded from a rabble to a finals contender.

It wasn’t all rosy- Captain Jarryn Geary apparently copped the Big Kahuna of all corkies, which was so bad the surgeons had to cut his leg open to ease the build up of blood, ruling him out for a month.

Copping a mega cork to stop a certain goal. Take a very painful bow, Jarryn.

That’s as bad as the corkie Nat Fyfe copped from Sam Mitchell in 2015, which apparently managed to work it’s way down his body, causing a broken leg and a back injury.

St Kilda and Geelong on top- Is this 2009 again?

Richmond (13.11-89) defeated Sydney (10.7-67) @ Marvel Stadium

The last time a Swans game ended 13.11 to 10.7 was the 2016 Grand Final.

If that game is any indication, Swans fans will be bitter about this result for years to come.

If 2017 is now a long time ago, then it was like the Richmond of old- Forcing turnovers, constant motion, and Dusty dominating- 25 disposals and 3 goals on his return from suspension, and after a close beginning to the game, the Tigers were always 4-5 goals ahead, without ever seriously going in for the kill.

Richmond almost went the entire game scoring goals exclusively from turnovers, having kicked 12/12 goals from the Swans coughing up the ball, only to have the streak ruined with a few minutes to go, when Noah Balta marked from a centre clearance and kicked a simple goal from 15m out.

Bloody rookies.

Based on the events of Saturday, Richmond will win the ANZAC Day Eve game against Melbourne when Nathan Jones submits a handwritten note to the umpires declaring the Dees’ forfeiture.

Aside from Kieren Jack reaching some boring milestone that his family didn’t even bother celebrating, the Swans’ only highlight was Buddy kicking enough goals to pass Matthew Lloyd to move up to 7th on the all-time Goalkicking table.

That seems like the grand history of South Melbourne/Sydney- The team’s performance is always so forgettable, that they have to focus on the amazing achievements of the individuals.

No wonder they’ve won a record 14 Brownlows and ‘only’ 5 Premierships in 122 years. It probably would’ve been 6, if you remember that Bob Pratt was hit by a truck the day before the 1935 Grand Final against Collingwood.

The Swannies are looking as fried as a piece of the Colonel’s Original Recipe, and it’s only Round 5.

Carlton (15.11-101) defeated Western Bulldogs (7.15-57) @ Marvel Stadium

“Carlton kicked 100 points on you”

Five words and one numerical figure that can end any footy related argument.

Who cares what you’ve achieved in the recent past or the future, you lost to CARLTON.

And to top it off, Carlton kicked 100 points for the first time since Round 11, 2016… I’m pretty sure it was announced that Muhammad Ali died during that game.

After that hilarious late loss to the Suns, Brendon Bolton wanted to make sure the Blues, by arming the team with THE H-BOMB, carrying a full 11 MEGATONS OF MARKING POWER to smash the Dogs.

Currently on display at Princes Park

On the other side, Will Hayes, son of David Hayes and grandson of Colin, made his debut for the Doggies after years of plugging away for Footscray.

David was on hand with Prue to watch the game, and if the Dogs were a horse at Lindsay Park, they’d be sent straight to the tried horse sale.

In the last two minutes, you could’ve sworn that Carlton were behind by 3 points and desperately trying to surge to kick a goal….

Except they were 38 points up, which probably summed up how much reaching the 100 meant to them.

Fittingly, Sam Walsh snapped a goal on the siren to cap things off, sparking a roar for a century not heard since Steve Waugh cracked that last ball ton at the SCG in 2003.

Kicking 100 points is without a doubt a greater achievement than actually winning for the first time in 9 months, in fact, ending the 100 point drought is probably Carlton’s greatest achievement since the ’95 Premiership.

Speaking of young Sam, I’m half tempted to check out his Rising Star odds.

Twitter Link

From now and into the future, when Dogs fans try mentioning their recent success like the 2016 Premiership and how they have a young team, you can simply retort, “You lost to a winless Carlton”.

And to top off the fun, North Melbourne are now last.

Adelaide (18.11-119) defeated Gold Coast (6.10-46) @ The Adelaide Oval

There’s only thing we need to see out of this game- Eddie Betts in his 300th game, doing his Eddie Betts thing because he’s Eddie Betts and he can do that sort of thing!

Yes Brad Johnson, we get it, you love it

After the game, Eddie divulged in a family bet:

“I had a bet with my brother in law Tom, he said if I kick five goals – he hasn’t got a tattoo – then he would get a tattoo of my face on his arse cheek, so can’t wait for that tattoo Tom.”

Well, we can now report that Eddie’s face is now adorned on said arse cheek!

Source: Eddie’s Instagram

Didn’t see Brodie Smith do anything with his family for his 150th game, which was also yesterday, probably because no-one cared it was Brodie Smith’s 150th game.

Geelong (17.11-113) defeated Hawthorn (13.12-90) @ The MCG

Dammit, I’m sick of commentators like Hamish ‘Rompingwins’ McLachlan and Timmy Watson, who constantly talk about Gary Ablett Jnr like he’s Goldfinger or Darryl Somers, and then complain when fans boo him.

Says me who just went on about Eddie Betts doing Eddie Betts stuff.

Welp, I suppose I’d better show that minute of magic anyway

If anything, this game (And also in part the Richmond game) highlighted just how badly turnovers and clangers in general can murder teams in the present cycle of modern football.

The amount of times I saw Hawks players kick into the centre of the ground, only for a Cats player to piss themselves laughing, intercept it, go straight down the other end and get a shot on goal, caused me to hurl all sorts of abuse I normally reserve for failed bets on the horses.

And the scores at the end of quarters- I reckon by a rough count, Geelong scored 4.1 just inside the last 2 minutes of quarters- The two goals to Rohan before quarter time, Rhys Stanley before half time (Hawkins also missed after the siren), and Gazza with his 3rd goal on the run before 3/4 time.

And the Cats won by 23 points in the end- I believe they call stuff like a ‘Coach Killer’.

10 minutes on, I’m still all for renaming Hawthorn the ‘Scarecrows’- Because there are quite a few Hawks that are searching for a brain.

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