JT’s Useless Previews: The AFL, Round 7

For no reason, here’s Mr Bean.


Collingwood vs Port Adelaide @ Marvel Stadium, 7:50pm AEST

Let’s see if I can fit another classic Simpsons gag without crashing the page.

Get me on AFL related Simpsons Quotes.

One of the many gripes that Port fans have, apart from nobody recognising their SANFL tin cups, is how they weren’t allowed to wear the prison bar jumpers when they joined the AFL in 1997, because they were too close to Collingwood’s colours.

The last time I checked the history books, Collingwood first wore the black & white stripes in 1892, the year they were founded.

Port Adelaide didn’t switch into the prison bars from that weird blue & magenta getup until 1902.

Anyway, that’s all ancient history, and I don’t want to trigger Eddie’s spidey senses.

In response to the booing of Scott Pendlebury on ANZAC Day, Nathan Buckley has gone to dramatic lengths in support of his captain, by removing his limp Cox from the Pies lineup.

Cutting off your near 7 footer- Bucks is literally a changed man.

In the meantime, Port Adelaide come steaming in to Melbourne with a 4-2 record, after disposing of North with Xavier Duursma’s bow ‘n arrow celebration, for which young Xavier earned the Round 6 Rising Star nomination.

I wonder if the Alberton faithful will send another terrifying message to Pendles, warning Collingwood of the impending doom.

From: /u/Joshy_Andy_50


Melbourne vs Hawthorn @ The MCG, 1:45pm AEST


What could’ve been.

Just 8 months ago, Melbourne knocked Hawthorn out of the finals, which wouldn’t have happened if Hawks members had voted for the merger back in 1996.

8 months later, the Demons are back to wishing it had gone ahead, so that we could hear It’s A Grand Old Happy Team At Melbourne.

Apparently, the last time the Demons played a game was last Wednesday, which is now so long ago, that children have been born, gone through school, been drafted, and are probably in line to make their debut at some point this season.

Meanwhile down in Tasmania, Jaeger O’Meara single-handedly kept the Hawks alive when the Blues had them on their knees with a mega 42 disposals, and if it was 2017, those knees would’ve given out, which is a testament to Hawthorn’s Medical Crew.

I’m pretty sure they’re the same people who rebuilt the Six Million Dollar man and the Bionic Woman back in the ’70s.

I’m penciling this in as a loss for the Hawks, because when you look at the FACTS, every team that has played Carlton this season has lost the next week.

I’m not kidding- Richmond (Lost R2), Port Adelaide (Lost R3), Sydney (Lost R4), Gold Coast (Lost R5) and the Western Bulldogs (Lost R6).

GWS vs St Kilda @ Manuka Oval, 1:45pm AEST

Fox Footy decided to show the photo of Jarryn Geary’s massive corky, and good golly Miss Molly, it was so huge that the doctors sliced his leg open like a well-cooked Christmas ham.

And after seeing it, all I can say is..

Copyright: FOX

As I try and write this without vomiting at the thought of said sliced leg, the Giants’ Canberran paradise was shattered by Ross the Boss and Fremantle in a major upset back in Round 5, the first time the Giants had lost at Manuka since Round 17, 2015.

But, they bounced back from that defeat in style to beat up their older brother at the SCG on Saturday.

After the flying start to the season, St Kilda copped somewhat of a harsh reality check from the Crows in a result that resembled their captain’s leg, as the pressure which had defined their opening five games was rendered useless by the mighty powers of Alex Keath.

Playing the Giants in Canberra is a bit of a step up from playing the Crows at Marvel, and this will probably help solve the Da Vinci Code that is St Kilda in 2019- Are they a finals contender, or are they St Kilda?

Brisbane Lions vs Sydney Swans @ The Gabba, 4:35pm AEST

The North Of The Murray Melee

In what should be a welcome relief for Queenslanders, after Baz Luhrmann announced he was shooting a film about Elvis in the Sunshine State, Sydney have already ruled out Buddy Franklin, and replaced with gun recruit, Namey Name Name.

The key forward the Swans need.

In the past decade, this matchup has consisted of one team being a finals contender, and the other being a bottom feeding rabble.

Good to see that’s still the case.

The last time Brisbane tasted a win against Sydney was all the way back in Round 22, 2009 at the SCG- That night, the 4 points allowed the Lions to earn a home final, and Micky O played his last game for the Swans.. and some guy called Leo Barry also farewelled the faithful.

I’m not sure how many iPhones or Samsung Galaxies have been released since then, but it must be a few.

If Brisbane can’t beat this Sydney team, they’ll never frikken’ beat them.

Western Bulldogs vs Richmond @ Marvel Stadium, 7:25pm AEST

I’m struggling to write anything interesting for this game- then again, I struggle to write anything interesting for most things.

The Dogs have lost their last four games, which is probably a classic case of John Lennon’s Instant Karma after the events of their game against Hawthorn- Although their kicking at goal is probably playing a bigger factor than cosmic forces.

The Dogs are kicking at an accuracy of 43% for the season, by far the worst in the league.


It’s like they’re trying to kick the stool out, but they keep missing to the left.

Meanwhile, the Tiggy Train has been purring ever since Trent Cotchin was forced out with his hamstring issues and replaced as captain by Shane Edwards- Three wins on the bounce, although the Stack N’ Whack on the Dees has come at a cost, as Jack Riewoldt is gone with a knee injury, just as quickly as he returned from injury.

It’s a good thing the Tigs recruited that Tom Lynch fellow.

The past three games between the teams have been decided by fewer than 10 points, so hopefully it’s another good contest.

West Coast vs Gold Coast @ Optus Stadium, 6:10pm AWST (8:10)

A battle between two teams with Coast in their name, a battle between two teams with a history of drug problems, a battle between two teams languishing in the Bottom 10, a battle between two teams belted in consecutive games, and a battle between two teams who’ve won a wooden spoon this decade.

When you think about it, there isn’t really much difference between the Eagles and Suns.


Carlton vs North Melbourne @ Marvel Stadium, 1:10pm AEST

Carlton were absolutely pissing themselves laughing when they rocketed to a 6 goal lead against the Hawks, and it looked like the green shoots were popping up like wildflowers after years of waiting.

And then Matthew Kreuzer, Kade Simpson and Nic Newman all went off with injuries, and they subsequently fell in a heap and lost a heartbreaker by 5 points- They’re close, but not ‘there’ yet.

It just goes to show that life is hard, and it’s even harder when you’re a Carlton supporter.

Meanwhile, North were always two feet and a few goals behind Port Adelaide at the Adelaide Oval, but somehow kicked five straight goals at the end to leapfrog above Melbourne into 17th.

The struggles of the team has seen the smoke signals starting to soar at Arden Street, and Roos fans have taken to the streets in protest against Brad Scott’s tenure as coach.

Very rough.

Geelong vs Essendon @ The MCG, 3:20pm AEST

It sure is lucky they stuck an ‘O’ in Country Game

Sheeds with Tony Lockett’s family (Getty Image)

The Country Game is another great idea from the wild brain of Sheeds, and it honours the farmers, the people of regional Australia, the backbone of the country, the people who live in country towns like Geelong.

I too, live in a country town… it’s called Perth.

Don’t expect Cats fans to show up on Sunday, since they’ll all be at home printing off their Grand Final tickets.

The Cats are the best-performed team in the AFL through six weeks, and the ladder accurately reflects that; 5-1 and the best percentage in the game, on the back of drinking the blood of the Eagles on Sunday evening.

I’d wager that Eagles bloody still tastes better than West End.

On the flip side, it’s convenient for Bombers fans that the game is at the ‘G, since thousands of fans are still sitting at the Punt Road End after the ANZAC Day loss, still booing the umpires and voicing their disdain for the result.

The Dons have won the past two Country Games, and with that Run And Gun footy back on firing, they may just

Adelaide vs Fremantle @ The Adelaide Oval, 4:10pm ACST (4:40pm)

The ‘We Beat St Kilda’ Shield

It’s not often that you can say Adelaide and Fremantle are in pretty good form, but Adelaide and Fremantle are in pretty good form.

The Crows have returned to something resembling normalcy after that lethargic 1-3 start, thumping the Suns and then pushing around St Kilda with relative comfort in the confines of Docklands, moving to 3-3 and a percentage of 113.9% to sit in 9th.

Tex looked like Tex again after being compared to a big eared Antichrist, and former Melbourne Stars sacrificial bowler Alex Keath arrived as a key defender.

If I’d remembered that the Crows haven’t lost to the Saints since 2011, I could’ve achieved the nirvana of a 9/9 tipping performance… like my sister.

Freo were challenged big time in the Mundy Three Hundy against the Bulldogs, but thanks to some 3rd quarter inspiration from the man of the hour, the Dockers walked away with the 4 points to rocket to the lofty heights of 2nd.

More importantly though for Dockers, the Eagles are languishing in 12th.

To say the least, the Adelaide Oval has been Groundhog Day for Ross the Boss and the Purple Haze, losing 6 out of 7 games at the ground- The last five visits have all been defeats by an average of 68 points.

Unlike previous seasons, the Dockers haven’t been thumped in the early rounds, and based on form, this should be much closer than their visits to the AO since the end of 2015.

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