AFL

The AFL Review: Round 9, 2019

Did you know today marks 20 years since The Phantom Menace was released, and also 20 years since our expectations slowly began to slip?

Liam Ryan on track to win a car he won’t even be allowed to drive.

West Coast OUTS vs Adelaide.

Lewis Jetta– Suspension, Liam Ryan– Altitude Sickeness.


West Coast (13.7-85) defeated Melbourne (9.15-69) @ Marvel Stadium

“Hey Google, play Liam Ryan sitting on my head”

What is ‘slightly’ lost is how good Elliot Yeo was to set that up.

Melbourne handed a debut to a young South Aussie by the name of Harrison Petty, and I thought it was cool to see that a Petty was once again playing with a bunch of heartbreakers.

After Tom McDonald smashed the Eagles in the opening quarter, Adam Simpson decided to stick Oscar Allen on him, creating a strange situation where a former key forward was playing as a key defender against a former key defender who plays as a key forward.

McDonald didn’t do anything after that, but saying that Allen shut him down is like me claiming that I have a rock that can keep tigers away.

During this time, the Dees were right on top at the Eagles, but they killed themselves with poor goalkicking- I can recall Petracca missing badly from 20m out straight in front, Garlett missed a close shot at goal, McDonald missed a few, and it wasn’t a matter of IF the Eagles would make them pay, but WHEN.

That ‘when’ was the Final Quarter- The Eagles tied the scores in quick time, Liam Ryan took that hanger and put them ahead, and it was all downhill from there, and was ultimately sealed when Sam Frost slipped trying to track a ball through for a behind, which Jack Darling tapped in for a goal.

Frost tried digging himself a hole, but sadly, you can’t dig a hole in concrete.

Collingwood (17.10-112) defeated St Kilda (10.11-71) @ The MCG

It was a rare day where Pies and Sausages both had a big win, but that’s the sort of result that elections can throw at us.

Collingwood have done the unthinkable, and destroyed the Carlton Curse for 2019, despite playing without Jordan De Goey, Darcy Moore, and midfield gun Brayden Sier.

If Louie the Lip were alive, he’d be burying the Carlton Curse next to the Colliwobbles in an elaborate ceremony at Victoria Park.

The Saints comfortably held pace for the first three quarters, and they actually had the bulk of the chances in the 1st Half, but only kicked 4.9, as the Pies kicked 6.2.

It’s like bad goalkicking is killing teams.

On the flip side, the 3rd Quarter was one of the best we’ve seen this year- Both teams went goal for goal in a 10 goal shootout (5.2 apiece), and it featured some of the play that the Rules Committee envisioned when they built this BBQ Pit of a season.

“Le Grille! What the hell is that!”

But in the final quarter, the Pies showed why they’re one of the two slightly better than average teams (Alongside Geelong) in 2019, beating the Saints purple and slamming on 6.5 before the Saints finally got on the board, with a meaningless junk time goal with 90 seconds left.

How’s this for an amazing coincidence.

Brody Mihocek wears #41.

On Saturday, he kicked 4.1 for the Magpies.

What was the final margin? 41 points.

Brisbane Lions (13.15-93) defeated Adelaide (13.14-92) @ The Gabba

On paper, this was the highest ranked match-up the round- 3rd vs 5th.

And it didn’t disappoint, as we ended up with the third 1 point result this season, and the Lions beat the Crows for the first time since 2012.

In many years time, people will browse AFL Tables on a Tuesday afternoon, see the result of this game, and think, “Wow, the Lions must’ve pinched victory from the jaws of defeat!”

It turned out to be one of the more anti-climatic 1 point wins you’ll see, as Brisbane led by 7 points with 10 seconds to go, as Tex marked and handballed it off to Eddie Betts to kick an easy goal, only for the siren to sound seconds later, and the Crows to realise they’d fallen a point short.

Funnily enough, it was former Crow Charlie Cameron’s errant shot at goal with 3 minutes to go that ultimately won Brisbane the game.

This is more proof that Lord Fagan works in mysterious ways.

It was a weird ending- Brisbane led for all of 5 minutes in the 2nd quarter, and had a game-high 26 point lead 10 minutes into the final quarter, but for some reason, it was Adelaide, despite being a man down, who ran all over them and nearly pulled off what would’ve been a massive win, and would’ve kept them in the Top 4.

And for some reason, here’s that goal that put Brisbane 26 points up- Dan McStay going “Why Not” from the centre square!

Speaking of Lord Fagan- Here’s Chapter Nine, Verse Nine of the Faganism Bible

Geelong (21.7-133) defeated Western Bulldogs (13.11-89) @ GMHBA Stadium

Well done to Ryan Abbott, on being the only Abbott to actually contribute to a win on Saturday.

Ryan kicked Geelong’s opening goal of the final quarter, setting up their absolute onslaught that turned an arm-wrestle into a stock standard win.

Good on you, Ryan.

It seemed like this game was like every other game Geelong has won in 2019- The Dogs gave them a big challenge for 90 minutes, probably the result of the Tom Boyd retirement news and getting themselves up for Fletcher Roberts’ 51st game, but the Cats responded when they absolutely had to respond, and put away a team in reasonable form in the space of about 25 minutes.

The only downside was Danger’s not serious ankle injury, which made him sit out the dying minutes, and if you ask me, Danger should be roundly criticised- Not for getting hurt, but for giving Kane Cornes another talking point.

Shame on you Patrick, shame on you!

And well done to the Cats, who also ended one of the great curses in Australian sport!

Not anymore Swamp!

Essendon (8.12-60) defeated Fremantle (7.11-53) @ Marvel Stadium

Everyone was off watching the Labor Hindenburg crash and burn on every free-to-air channel in Australia, so nobody outside of WA had to watch the game.

And it was good they didn’t, because it could be best summed up as being two beers short of a six-pack.

But fortunately for the Bombers, as the old saying goes, winning ugly is better than losing to the team in 18th.

Amazingly enough, Dylan Shiel recorded his first effective kick since he joined the Bombers, and fortunately for the red & black, it went through for a goal, the first of the final quarter, which in a low scoring game proved to be huge.

Tippa’s weird run of form continues- He hasn’t scored in any of the Bombers’ 5 losses, but in the 4 wins, he’s kicked 16.1.

To Freo’s credit, they actually managed to to peg back a 26 point deficit and make the final minutes nervous for the Dons faithful, only after Ross Lyon realised that scoring goals was probably the better way to go.

And it could’ve been closer than 7 points, were it not for Jesse Hogan’s shoddy goalkicking- He kicked 1.4, and that lone goal was a free kick from the goalsquare.

But on the flip side, Joe Daniher and Josh Begley also kicked 4 behinds each.

What I’m gathering from all these missed shots is that players beginning with ‘J’ are crap kicks for goal.

Sydney Swans (11.11-77) defeated North Melbourne (10.12-72) @ Blundstone Arena

Ah, it feels like just last week that Sydney won a game 77-72 with controversial umpiring…

Wait a minute, that was last week, which means that the Swans have now apparently set some kind of record for recording the same scoreline in consecutive games, probably just to piss off Bombers fans.

After Josh Kennedy withdrew before the game, Sydney were thus missing some 1,819 games of experience… which is probably a lot.

But it mattered little, as Tommy ‘The Plumber’ Papley kicked 4 goals, George ‘Lleyton’ Hewett amply replaced Kennedy in the middle, and the Swans kicked 7.2 in the 2nd Quarter, and led by 21 points at Half-Time, a lead which grew out to 27 points by 3/4 time, and then 33 points in the final quarter, a harsh reminder to North that they’re still North, and they’re getting beaten by the experience equivalent of a NEAFL team.

But the Swans soon stopped, thanks to loss of Zac Jones and Isaac Heeney losing his memory, and North kicked the final four goals of the game and cut the lead to 5 points with 2 minutes to go, but the only thing they did better than kick final quarter goals was bomb useless high kicks for Jordan Dawson to eat up like a Democracy Sausage.

Apparently, North were denied a win when Todd Goldstein was mugged in a ruck contest with 30 seconds to go, and was then taken high in a tackle, but and as a result, for the second weekend in a row, Sydney won a game 77-72.

And then throw in Sydney’s only final quarter coming from an iffy deliberate call.

Although, claiming that the missed free cost the Roos the win is folly- Have you seen ruckmen kicking at goal lately?

They’re as accurate as three years worth of opinion polls.

Anyway, the Swans win capped off a wild night- A red team defeated a blue team when they weren’t expected to win, and a blue team defeated a red team when they weren’t expected to win.

Port Adelaide (13.11-89) defeated Gold Coast (7.9-51) @ The Adelaide Oval

Frampton Comes Alive!

The heavens opened up on the City of Churches, and as a result, it looked like there was next to no-one at the Adelaide Oval.

I always knew it was a mistake for the AFL to relocate the game from the Suns’ traditional home of Shanghai.

Coming into the Port team before the game was some bloke called ‘Billy Frampton’, who I last heard released some kind of live album back in 1976, which Ken Hinkley listened to, enjoyed, and obviously offered Frampton a contract.

It’s slightly better than being recruited from winning a Reality TV show.

But Kenny’s faith was rewarded when Frampton showed his teammates the way up forward, with 14 disposals and 3 goals, as Port racked up 11 of the last 12 scoring shots to return to the winner’s list, and I think the addition of the ‘Talk Box’ is a tactic that many coaches will be picking up.

After the game, Kenny said that he loved Frampton’s way, and he wanted to tell Frampton he loved his way, and that he wanted to be with him night and day.

Can’t blame him.

Richmond (14.11-95) defeated Hawthorn (8.11-59) @ The MCG

A fitting farewell from the Tigers to Premiership Ruckman Shaun Grigg.

Watching this ‘new look’ Hawthorn team reminds me of when Krusty the Clown had to abandon his usual act, and became a stand-up comedian with the help of Jay Leno.

It wasn’t the Krusty we knew and once loved, but it was still Krusty, and just like the Hawks, it was successful for a week, before they returned to normal.

Usually it takes teams like Melbourne 3 Quarters to kick themselves out of a game, but this ‘new look’ Hawks team is so slick, they can achieve it in 40 minutes.

The Hawks were right on top in the opening minutes, but for all the effort, they kicked 2.5, and the Tigers were ahead by 3 points Quarter Time thanks to a goal to Dusty Martin, and the Tigers slowly took control from there and repeatedly punished the Hawks’ utterly crap skill errors.

Sure, the Hawks were two down on the bench, but they weren’t playing anywhere near good enough to win.

Without a doubt, Dusty (In his Pumas) was BOG, racking up some 38 disposals and 2 goals as he returned to something resembling Dustin Martin, although it was secondary to the fact that he was wearing Puma boots again.

Hang on, if Dusty wears Puma boots, that must mean he wears Puma pants.

What I’m most disappointed about is that Clarko has turned into some happy midget who plays the guitar on player’s birthdays.

The old Clarko would’ve belted some underperforming player over the head with that guitar in the rooms, just to send a message.

GWS (20.18-138) defeated Carlton (7.3-45) @ GIANTS Stadium

In hindsight, the AFL should’ve blown the siren when Harry McKay kicked the first goal of the game.

It was all up Ship Creek for the Blues, who couldn’t even call AAMI and get roadside assistance.

The other sour moment for Carlton came when Shane Mumford rediscovered what it was like to seriously hurt people, and poor old Marc Murphy was on the receiving end of a massive hit to the midriff, sending him to hospital possible with internal injuries.

Poor Murph, as if Luke Hodge breaking his jaw in a contest wasn’t bad enough for him.

You know what the craziest part of that belting was?

Neither Jeremy Cameron and Toby Greene kicked a goal- Jez has now kicked 8 behinds in his past two games…

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