The AFL Review: Round 12, 2019

Moby with hair (Photo: Dylan Burns/AFL Photos)

The year is 2025.

In an effort to have teams retain their new coach bounce, coaches are now appointed on one game contracts, before being immediately sacked.

Despite this, Essendon have still not won a final since 2004.

Geelong (16.8-104) defeated Richmond (5.7-37) @ The MCG

Current scenes at Punt Road (Photo: Michael Klein)

Gil and the folks that handle the TV schedule deserve a huge tick of approval, because this season, they’ve absolutely nailed something that the average wants.

Richmond getting smashed on a Friday night.

I thought it was funny that when the Tigers were ahead in the 1st Quarter, Ash Barty (Of course, a diehard Tigers fan) was getting bent over a barrel by Amanda Anisimova, and then as soon as the 2nd Quarter started, Ash started her epic comeback, which coincided with the Cats getting on top and running away with the win from there.

As one Tiger wins, the other loses.

Unfortunately, the score review yet again reared it’s ugly head, when it appeared Jack Higgins was denied a certain goal in the 2nd Quarter, a decision which the AFL once again admitted was incorrect.

Yes, what comforting news for Tigers fans- The margin should’ve been 62 points, not 67.

I’m still not sold on the Cats- Sure, they’re 11-1 and effectively 3 games on top of the ladder, but they only kicked one goal in two quarters on Friday night.

Although it did help that they scored 15 in the middle two.

In the Preview, I said that thanks to a few key outs, Tom Hawkins was on course to drop a log the size of South Barwon on Richmond’s backline.

I was a mile off on that call- It was actually the size of South Geelong.

Patrick Cripps (11.12-78) defeated Brisbane (9.9-63) @ Marvel Stadium

You’re 7-4, on the verge of the Top 4, and playing a 1-10 Carlton team who just sacked their coach.

You lead by 37 points in the 2nd Quarter, having kicked the only 6 goals of the game.

You all know what happened next.

You probably noticed it during the game, but the Lions embraced the spirit of Fitzroy, and once again wheeled out the old Roys jumpers, in celebration of 50 years since the Legend himself, Kevin Murray, won his Brownlow Medal in the maroon & blue.

Photo: Brisbane Lions

Based on this performance, they also embraced Murray’s legacy for playing in the most losses in League history.

On the flip side, the Blues embraced the spirit of David Teague’s first game as coach, and brought back a cult hero- The ‘Fro himself, Vinny Catoggio.

Clearly Vinny made the bigger impact.

After the Blues pretty much dominated the opening 10 minutes without managing to score a goal, the game started going the way most us expected, as the Lions piled on the only six goals of the game to begin the 2nd quarter.

I thought to myself, “Different coach, same beloved Carlton”.

But then, like an utter Goliath, Patrick Cripps yet again carried 21 teammates to victory, in possibly the greatest one man performance since the Chief kicked 17 goals to defeat Richmond in 1992.

382 disposals, 41 clearances and 11.12 from Cripps, who really cost himself a 2000 point SuperCoach performance with his wayward goalkicking.

I listened to the Triple M Sunday Rub, and Wayne Schwass described Crippa’s performance after Carlton went 6 goals down, as a “Shane Warne Moment”- I.E, when Australia needed a wicket, Warnie brought himself on to bowl and provided the spark.

The second-biggest highlight for the Blues behind Crippa, was the antics of Kade Simpson, who ripped the piss out of Rhys Mathieson’s ‘Shotgun’ celebration, after ‘Matho’ blatantly ducked for a free kick.

Capping off the hilarity, Mathieson hooked the kick out on the full.

Aside from playing poorly enough to get their coach sacked, that’s the second funniest thing I’ve seen from Carlton this season.

Once again, Eddie McGuire’s commentary was SLAMMED by the common footy fan, when he went completely overboard, possibly resorting to downright barracking as the Blues came back into the game.

Supporting Carlton is one of the most heinous crimes a so-called Collingwood supporter can commit, and quite frankly my dear, I’m taking a stand, and declaring that Eddie should be stripped of the Collingwood Presidency for conduct unbecoming of a Collingwood supporter.

And aside from the usual spiel about Eddie, would you like another good rage-inducing laugh?

This was paid as a free kick.

To Carlton.

GIF by /u/sectokia

Now I’d like to provide a different perspective on this, and say that Eleni Glouftsis, who paid this particular free kick, is doing a fine job, in the sense that she’s proving that a woman can umpire a game of footy just as poorly as any man.

And of course, the other wild umpiring moment came when some random fan became the latest person to be ejected for abusing an umpire, when he supposedly told Matthew Nichols that “You can’t handball with one hand, you bald-headed flog.”

Who’d have thought that the St Louis Blues getting within a game of claiming the Stanley Cup would be the second greatest upset by a Blue team this past week.

North Melbourne (14.15-99) defeated Gold Coast (11.6-72) @ Metricon Stadium

Another week goes by, and the Roos score 99 points and win.

But it wasn’t without a huge blow- Shaun Higgins had his AC Joint wrecked, and Jack Martin did his best to make sure that Jack Ziebell didn’t remember his 200th game.

He failed, and Ziebell racked up 29 disposals, 10 tackles, 8 clearances and 2 goals, finally managing to win a milestone game.

In a sign of North’s dominance, they racked up 27 Inside 50s for the 2nd Quarter, although they only kicked 2 goals.

Yup, that’s pretty much it- It was a win.

Adelaide (12.10-82) defeated GWS (9.7-61) @ The Adelaide Oval

The Giants’ performance (Without Whitfield and Greene) only reinforces my belief that there isn’t a single team in the league good enough to challenge Geelong.

The Crows pretty much dominated the entire game, while the AFL decided to show everyone their latest useless piece of score review technology, working on what appears to be a five second delay.

A Snickometer with a sound spike before the ball even touched the post.

If the AFL think people will believe that, then I’ve got a chance of selling them a rock I found that keeps Tigers away.

The other big problem for the Giants was that they gave away 23 free kicks to 7 during the game, most of which were given away by Shane Mumford, who copped a pasting from Reilly O’Brien, a unit so weird, his parents didn’t even bother to spell his name ‘Riley’.

The Giants kept themselves alive deep into the last quarter by taking advantage of the very limited chances they had for the night, but in the end, Eddie Betts sealed proceedings by being Eddie Betts.

Footage: Channel Seven

The problem Eddie has created for himself, is that his bar for freakish goals is so high, that a deadly effort like that is now simply called “A goal”.

The Crows are now up to 5th, and they get to take on a weakened Richmond at home on Thursday.

With the way Josh Jenkins treated Alex Rance last year, there’s a chance ‘Jerker’ could get played into the All-Australian team by the end of the weekend.

Sydney (18.8-116) defeated West Coast (10.11-71) @ The SCG

It was Dane Rampe’s 150th game, and the Swans honoured him by being idiots and ruining their chances of a Top 5 pick.

What hope do the Swans have for the future when John Longmire can’t even command a Tank job.

Just ship him off to North Melbourne already.

West Coast didn’t have Bunga Hurn or Elliott Yeo, but when you get absolutely wrecked in the 2nd Half by a team that was down to one fit player on the bench, that’s enough for me to declare any team’s Premiership chances as defective as a relationship on Married at First Sight.

Much like Richmond, the Eagles have now lost 4 games in 2019, and have been thoroughly arse-whipped in every single one of those losses.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Michael Christian rubbed out Nathan Vardy for one game, for a bump on Jackson Thurlow that concussed the Swan, and Chrisso also gave the Eagles a one-game circumcision without their little Willie, for a sling tackle that concussed Colin O’Riordan.

Without Bunga down back to float across and give him a chop-out, Jeremy McGovern was repeatedly forced into playing one on one against Buddy.

The end result was Buddy getting played back into form, and for the third consecutive game against the Eagles, he racked up 9 scoring shots- 5.4 to the Bud, which is slightly better than 2.7.

Of course, the other Swan to rack up 5 goals was Tommy ‘The Plumber’ Papley, who also racked up 27 disposals in his best ever performance, and Jake Lloyd somehow had the least relevant 42 disposal game ever seen.

What was the strangest part of the game was that Sydney absolutely smashed West Coast in the disposal count 420-315.. and yet the Eagles won the Inside 50 count 58-46.

Statistics are an optical illusion.

Collingwood (15.8-98) defeated Melbourne (7.15-62) in The Big Freeze at the ‘G

Neale Daniher Trophy: Adam Treloar

Another ripping edition of the Big Freeze Slide, which saw the likes of Spiderman Swanny, Liam Picken as The Joker, Lauren Jackson as Basketball Wonder Woman, aka herself, Boomer the Auskicker doing an interview with Rompingwins McLachlan, and Cyril Rioli showing up from Darwin in his work gear.

Yet again, Cyril doesn’t have to do much to have an impact on proceedings.

But for me, the absolute best was Nick Riewoldt as Freddie Mercury, just for the build-up, the costume (Fake teeth included), and the routine down the slide, all of which made him a more convincing Freddie than Rami Malek.

And in for second had to be Fev, celebrating the 10th anniversary of the Steven Seagal Brownlow incident… by dressing up as Steven Seagal.

Fev noted that he was going to pressure point Juddy, “But he’s abandoned me again.”

An absolute larrikin.


When gametime came around, Melbourne also gave a great impersonation of Freddie Mercury, in that they were lifeless.

It ended up being a game that was as intense as a game between 3rd vs 16th- The Pies led for the entire game, and were 6 goals up at 3/4 time, before the Dees got within 20 points halfway through the final quarter, but even then, it didn’t look like Collingwood were under any pressure whatsoever.

The Pies then kicked 4 goals in 6 minutes to finish the game, and Max Gawn once again summed up Melbourne in 2019, by horribly missing a shot after the siren from 15m out.

In fairness, the Dees’ 4th Quarter kicking for goal was much improved from last week- 2.6, compared to 1.9.

Jayden Stephenson did two things consistently all game- Miss set shots, and find space to mark on the lead, which led to BT dubbing the current Rising Star, THE SPACEMAN.

So, ahead of the 50th anniversary of the Moon Landing, the Western Bulldogs have an Astro-Naught, and the Pies have a Spaceman.

That was also Nathan Jones’ 100th loss at the MCG.

Raise the bat Nathe.

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