Your mother was a green maggot, and your father was a bald flog!

I fart in your general direction, Behavioural Awareness Officers!

Adelaide (15.11-101) defeated Richmond (9.14-68) @ The Adelaide Oval

After an outstanding 17 disposal, 4 goal performance that could easily have been more, I was ready to joyfully declare that Josh Jenkins had played himself into the All-Australian team.

And then with a mere 30 seconds to go, that dream was shattered, when Jenkins hyper-extended his knee in a mid-air Kung Fu kick attempt.

Fortunately it’s not an ACL, but nevertheless, get well soon Jerker, the Crows and the Globe Derby trots need your services!

Anyway, considering all the players they had confined to the infirmary, the Tigers did extremely well to not get annihilated- They led narrowly at Quarter Time, & Half Time, and then came back and got within 4 points in the final quarter.

But really, once the Crows started kicking straight in the 2nd Half, and making the most of their dominance (Despite ending up three players down), the game turned into the margin that I actually predicted.

Get around it.

It was a game full of highlights for the Crows- Reilly O’Brien schooling the might of Noah Balta and Mabior Chol, The Crouch boys combining for a million disposals, Tex turning Lachie Murphy into a Collingwood fan and then littering after the game…

Ah yes, and Eddie Betts kicked a goal.

Of course, the reason why Sydney Stack congratulated Ed was revealed by Ed himself.

Garry Lyon said he didn’t like it, so I’m perfectly okay with it.

Essendon (14.12-96) defeated Hawthorn (11.11-77) @ Marvel Stadium

A pinch and a stomp for the 14th day of the month

If Essendon win a game but Tippa goes goalless, did it really happen?

Apparently yes, and what a fitting way for Hawthorn to bring up 1000 losses in the VFL/AFL… by losing meekly to one of their hated rivals.

Sure, I could talk about how Essendon were by far the better team, but that doesn’t sell.

It really was another insipid effort from the Hawks- Crap kicking, crap tacking, the Forward 50 entries were marking practice for Hurley & Hooker, and Ben Stratton’s ‘niggling’ tactics have been exposed to a national audience, with his Craig Kelly/Ryan Crowley-esque pinching on Orazio’s left arm being noticed by more people than just Kane Cornes.

That’s disgraceful and unbecoming of a Hawthorn captain… A true Hawks skipper would’ve cocked the elbow back and gone straight for the face.

Unsurprisingly, Stratts is off the Tribunal for a night’s worth of Chinese burns, and for stomping on Shaun McKernan’s foot, and I’d expect his penalty will be somewhere between 10 months in Barwon, to DJing every pub in Frankston until 2025.

Surely having to captain this Hawks team is punishment enough.

So all of that said, did Essendon even play on Friday?

St Kilda (11.14-80) defeated Gold Coast (11.10-76) @ Riverway Stadium, Townsville

It was the first game for points in one the two beating hearts of Katter Country, and it was also the first game for St Kilda’s Nick Hind, and he reduced his dad to tears by kicking his first goal!

You know what they say, you’ve gotta be Cruel to be Hind… in the right measure.

It was a game intended to make sure North Queenslanders never watched Australian Rules Football again, and it turned out that Tim ‘The Skunk’ Membrey and Jack Billings were only two players capable of hitting a target.

It was no surprise that the Saints went on to record their second narrow win over the Suns in 2019, but how about this for a coincidence.

Round 13, 2018: The Saints fall 31 points behind (At 3/4 time) against the Suns, before coming back to win by under a goal, scoring 11.14-80.

Round 13, 2019: The Saints fall 31 points behind against the Suns, before coming back to win by under a goal, scoring 11.14-80.

Now that is freaky-deaky.

Fremantle Walters (15.10-100) defeated Port Adelaide (12.7-79) @ Optus Stadium

It’s Always Sonny In Fremantle

You’d think that after Michael Walters single-handedly destroyed Brisbane and Collingwood, and kicked 4 goals to half-time against the Power, that Kenny Hinkley might at the very least try and do something to quell his influence.

Turns out that Kenneth was too busy downing his fourth can of Coke to pay attention to yet another masterclass from Sonny- 25 disposals, 6 marks, and 6 goals.

If he isn’t the other All-Australian half-forward flank besides Gaz, I’ll shout Vic Bias from the roof tops.

Aside from Sonny and Freo’s other well-performed forwards in Hogan & Matera, I’d like to give a special mention to the effort of the bloke built like a Four-Door Fridge- Sean Darcy.

In his first game since Round 2, Darcy had to take on a pretty formidable duo in Scott Lycett and Paddy Ryder… By the 4th Quarter, The Fridge was the only one still running, and a big reason why Freo won the Final Quarter clearances 15-3.

So that’s now three wins on the bounce for the Dockers, and it would be correct to say that in each of those wins, they’ve absolutely dominated general play in the final quarter to set up the win.

Look at the tape: Brisbane went goalless in Round 10, Collingwood got shut down for the last 17 minutes (Shifting the goalposts there) in Round 11, and Port went SCORELESS and racked up a mere 5 Inside 50s.

Ross The Boss declared the Dockers as the best last quarter team in the league– He’s got a very valid case.

Western Bulldogs (15.13-103) defeated Carlton (15.10-100) @ Marvel Stadium

For 24 overs of the Sri Lankan innings at The Oval, I thought Aaron Finch’s 153 would surpass Charlie Curnow’s 7 goals as the best effort by an Aussie in a losing cause on Saturday.

Fortunately, Mitchell Starc exists.

How many amazing sub-plots were present in this game- Daisy’s 250th, Carlton coming back from 34 points down, the Docklands Security and the Behavioural Awareness Officers evicting anyone who dared cheer for either team, Charlie Curnow kicking 7 goals, and Carlton coming back from 34 points down, only to lose by 3 points.

We’re used to the Bluebaggers entertaining us on a Saturday night with a humiliating thumping loss.

They did lose, but for once, they actually entertained us in doing so, showing how far they’ve come under David Teague.

It’s a double edged result for the Dogs- They’ve achieved the great dishonour of conceding 100 points to Carlton twice in a season, but on the other hand, they’re the first team since Geelong in 2014 to do the impossible, and concede 100 points to Carlton and still win.

Carlton’s record after going 6+ goals down under D.Teague: 1-0

Carlton’s record after going 5 goals down twice in the same game: 0-1

There’s your KPI, Teaguey.

GWS (14.7-91) defeated North Melbourne (10.8-68) @ Blundstone Arena

“People keep calling GWS a Ferrari, but there is a fair bit of Toyota Hilux in them.” – /u/yeahnahteambalance

While the entire build-up focused on the Shaw Bowl, it took a back seat once the game started.

Heath ended the game with 17 disposals off Half Back, while Rhyce was utterly useless, failing to record a stat, and playing the entire game in the unusual position of ‘Coaches Box’.

What a spud, how is he still getting a game for the Roos?

Ultimately, after the Roos kept the game close by feasting on Giants turnovers, Leon Cameron changed his gameplan, and after North kicked the opening goal to take the lead in the 3rd Quarter, he laced the next turnover with a laxative.

It was no coincidence that the Giants kicked the next 7 goals, putting them ahead for good.

What tactical nous from the man at the wheel of the Ferrari- Forget about the utter destruction in the clearances, and holding North goalless for 56 minutes, it was forcing North to crap themselves that got GWS over the line.

Well, it was that, or the fact that their entire gameplan was found on the interchange sign.

Well Done, Comrades, now I can play Borat dancing to the club song again!

Also, did anyone see that bloke on the fence smuggle the Bird onto the camera with 3:25 to go in the last quarter?

That was a ripper, well done cob!