“Can someone catch a god-damn ball! It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to **** a doorknob out there!” – Simon Goodwin, describing Melbourne in 2019.
As a tribute to Rip Torn, certain teams will be as useful as cock-flavoured lollipops.
We just don’t know which ones.
West Coast Eagles (2nd) vs Collingwood (4th) @ Optus Stadium, 6:10pm AWST (8:10)
Australia’s greatest underachieving club venture to Optus Stadium to once again lose to the Eagles in a Grand Final rematch, followed by the world’s current greatest underperformers in Manchester United playing the Perth Glory on Saturday night.
After a slow start to the season, caused by a bad reaction to the new opening verse in the club song, the Eagles are well and truly in play for 2019, after their unholy massacre of their jealous younger brothers in the Derby, making it 8 wins from their past 9 games to make them the only Top 4 team in some semblance of good form.
The Pies have fallen off a cliff and are free fallin’ Tom Petty style in 2019, with the sheer weight of injuries and failed bets leaving them teetering on the brink of collapsing from the Top 4.
Blowing a 3 goal lead to a Hawthorn team that hadn’t won for a month would’ve been the most humiliating performance of Round 16, were it not for the existence of the Adelaide and Fremantle Football Clubs.
The Pies keep telling us that Jaidyn Stephenson’s multi hasn’t derailed their season, but we’re going to keep claiming otherwise for as long they keep losing, which will probably be for another few weeks, looking at their fixture.
Two very tough games, and GWS.
The Eagles may have soared back into the team that carry the title of Defending Premiers, but now, they must overcome the curse that has struck down so many teams in 2019- The 2nd On the Ladder Curse.
The record doesn’t lie- The team in 2nd prior to a round has won a mere 4 times this season… With Collingwood making up 3 of those.
DESTROYING fans with FACTS and LOGIC.
Sydney Swans (14th) vs Carlton (17th) @ The SCG, 1:45pm AEST
Nic Newman returns to the SCG for the first time since he left the Swans, and for the first time since Toby Greene impaled him through the chest with his studs last September.
With Carlton’s latest miracle comeback falling just short thanks to Jayden Hunt and a certain Mr G.Post, Chris Judd reacted poorly on Footy Classified and fired a shotgun into David Teague’s chances of coaching the Blues in 2020, saying that the club wants an experienced coach.
Good news Juddy- I hear Brad Scott is available.
Cutting a long story short, I can see the Swans winning, mainly because they won’t lead by any more than 5 goals, so Carlton can’t activate David Teague’s trap card and make a rampant final quarter comeback.
Hawthorn (13th) vs Fremantle (11th) @ UTas Stadium, Launceston, 2:10pm AEST
If life couldn’t get any tougher for Fremantle after kicking 2.19 and humiliating themselves in the Western Derby, they now must undertake the arduous journey from WA to Tassie to once again lose to the Hawks.
It doesn’t really seem fair that a team from WA should have to travel all the way to Australia’s remote outpost- the Dockers have travelled there 11 times for a mere 1 win, which in fairness, was utterly memorable, because it was Sirengate against St Kilda.
But back to the present day, and the fate of Freo’s season, and Ross Lyon’s coaching tenure, have been sealed in a 3 week span, starting with an injury riddled loss to Melbourne, that epic loss to Carlton, and then after Ross’ daughter told him to coach better, it turned out that having two goals in mind wasn’t going to be enough to finally beat the Eagles in the Derby.
Speaking of Ross The Boss, he brings up his 300th game as a coach this weekend- Well done on lasting that long Rossco!
As for their opponents, one comeback win against a mortally screwed Collingwood team, and the Hawks are apparently now an outside chance of playing finals in 2019.
We can’t forget that the Hawks had kicked 4 goals in the span of 2 hours… and then Mitchell ‘Lewis Mitchell’ Lewis sprang to life, and they somehow kicked 5 in 15 minutes.
Hawthorn playing finals… the bigger miracle would be Hawthorn scoring 100 points in 2019.
Essendon (9th) vs North Melbourne (10th) @ Marvel Stadium, 4:35pm AEST
You only need to cast your mind back to Good Friday to find the last time the age old rivals met, which is now so long ago that North have transformed from an irrelevant gag, to the Alliance of Magicians holding a card saying “We demand to be taken seriously”.
Joe Daniher returned from injury on Good Friday, kicked 2 goals, including one from the centre square, the Dons won by 58 points- And then two weeks later, Joe disappeared.
It makes you wonder- Was Smokin’ Joe and his lanky moustache a figment of our imaginations?
I believe so.
But still, even without Joey D on the field, and factoring in the Bombers-Roos rivalry the finals ramifications of a loss, this is looking like the game of Saturday.
You have the magical meme powers of an Essendon late season Top 8 push, versus the magical meme powers of Rhyce Shaw as Coach- WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!
If both teams manage to do the impossible in 2019 and completely disregard their backlines and score over 100 points, then history suggests the Bombers will win.
Gold Coast (18th) vs Adelaide (8th) @ Metricon Stadium, 7:25pm AEST
The less said about the Suns’ ‘performance’ last week, the better, because the most entertaining performance from the Gold Coast this weekend was Tony Cochrane saying he’ll be going after a priority pick like a” 6000-pound gorilla.”
Now now Anthony, that’s no way to talk about the appearance of your head coach.
The Crows now find themselves having to back-up one humiliating performance that saw them get shit-canned in the press, by returning to the Gold Coast for the time since that utterly unforgettable 2018 pre-season camp, that was better off being run by Simple Minds than Collective Minds.
What is it with the Crows and weird pre-season camps?
That Collective Minds camp has permanently disfigured the entire club, and then there was Nigel Smart going for a firewalk at Rapid Bay in ’92.
Ironically, he got the idea from a man called Blackburn.
This is also the point where I mention that the Crows are the last remaining team to go unbeaten against either the Suns or Giants, holding a 12-0 all-time record against the Coasters, and remarkably, they’ve never lost at Carrara in 10 visits, in a streak dating back to the days of the Brisbane Bears.
They’ll find a way to win.
Geelong (1st) vs St Kilda (15th) @ Kardinia Park, 7:25pm AEST
In something that isn’t much of a shock, the Cats chose this game to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the 2009 Premiership, so I’ll use this chance to once again twist the knife into Saints fans and show the Toe Poke, the very moment that defined arguably one of the highest quality Grand Finals this century.
The 2009 Saints- The only team in the last 30 years to lose a Grand Final after leading at 3/4 time.
It’ll be good to see Bomber back at Kardinia Park after his win in court, supplying the drinks with his trademark frozen water.
But as Bruce would say, gee, you just get the feeling the Saints are in mortal danger, don’t you?
Richmond (6th) vs GWS (5th) @ The MCG, 1:10pm AEST
Three weeks ago, Richmond were rooted in 2019 with crippling injuries, and the Giants were a major chance of finishing in the Top 2.
As I heard a dyslexic man say, the turns have tabled.
The Tigers once again annihilated the Suns on the Gold Coast, racking up the first 100 point 1st Half in the AFL since 2011, boosting their percentage up past 100, and now to top that off, the FIXture sees them have to travel all of 500 metres for the final 7 games of the season.
Bloody Vic Bias I tell you.
In what can’t be a mere coincidence, since Matt De Boer was struck down by injury after Round 13, the Giants’ season has fallen off a cliff moreso than Collingwood’s, and the boys in orange have now fallen to 5th, having been displaced in the Top 4 by the very team that struck them down with slingshots last week- Lord Fagan and the Brisbane Lions.
Topping that piece of news off, they’ve had to go back to the well and fetch out another debutant- A young man by the name of Ian ‘Bobby’ Hill from Northam.
If Bobby gets tagged by one of those dirty Tiger thugs like Martin or Cotchin or Houli, expect Bobby to shout out “THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!”
That boy ain’t right.
But in spite of a few nut crushers, unless the Jeremies can pigroot the Richmond backline like they did back in Round 3 (Which now looks unlikely), the Giants’ season is about to go from worse to worse-er-erer.
‘Footscray’ (12th) vs Melbourne (16th) @ Marvel Stadium, 3:20pm AEST
It’s now been a solid 30 years since the Fightback campaign saved the Footscray Football Club from a merger with Fitzroy, under the battle cry of ‘Up Yours Oakley’, which proved so popular and successful, that Ross Oakley actually changed his name by deed poll to ‘Up Yours’.
That moment in time also gives the Doggies a good excuse to wear another heritage guernsey, honouring the fans that saved the club back in ’89.
Lacks a collar= 5/10.
Meanwhile, the Demons have managed to both simultaneously win and lose against Carlton, as only Melbourne seem to be able to do.
Tom McDonald kicked 6 goals in 3 quarters on Liam Jones, in what was easily his best game of the year, then he went off with a knee injury at 3/4 time when the Dees were 5 goals up, they held on for a win, and he’s now out for the season.
At this rate, their injuries are going to give the AFL some much needed research on how teams perform with 16 players on the field.
Port Adelaide (7th) vs Brisbane Lions (4th) @ The Adelaide Oval, 4:10pm ACST (4:40 AEST)
Port Adelaide are coming off an absolutely awesome Showdown win, and Lord Fagan’s Lions are now in the Top Four, after a massive credential boosting win in Sydney.
I think we know where this is heading, and it’s going to be very frustrating for Port fans.