The AFL Review: Round 17, 2019

Here’s Tippa dropping the mic, because he’s a deadly fella.
Source: Essendon GIPHY

The footy related cricketing comment of the decade:

Collingwood (11.12-78) defeated West Coast (12.5-77) @ Optus Stadium

Collingwood are 1-0 when Ben Crocker plays in 2019

Isn’t it funny that the one team I bag the crap out of the most every week in the preview ends up winning.

It really was a fantastic win, considering the 3/4 Time scoreboard, the weight of history, and fate, were all against the Pies.

Think about it.

It was Collingwood vs West Coast.

The Pies had a slender lead.

They’d kicked 11 goals for the game.

West Coast had a shot at goal with under 3 minutes remaining to put them in front.

Fortunately, the Pies remembered to grab Dom Sheed by his ankles, so Jack Darling took the kick, which resulted in the Eagles only score of the final quarter, and they lost by a point.

That 2nd On The Ladder Curse is not to be trifled with, as the Eagles went scoreless for 43 minutes (In that time the Pies kicked 2.8), and went goalless for the last 45 minutes, destroying Channel 7’s stat that showed how they were basically unbeatable once they scored 75 points.

How’s that working out?

But really, once the Eagles managed to extract Josh Kennedy from Jordan Roughead’s basement, they should be able to push back towards the Top 2.

Carlton (9.15-69) defeated Sydney (8.14-62) @ The SCG


I was skeptical that David Teague’s Carlton could win a game with this Cripps fellow lumbering around in the midfield racking up handballs, but it appears they can.

And it appears the Bluebaggers are indeed capable of winning a game without coughing up a 5 goal headstart.

That’s now 3 wins out of 5 for the Teague Bag, as many wins as the Blues managed in the final 21 months during the reign of King Smurf.

Geez, they really were awful.

Of course, this performance came just days after renowned narcissist and Blues footy director Chris Judd attempted to assassinate Teague’s tenure post-2019 on Monday evening, saying that the Blues wanted an experienced coach, and not someone who still had his training wheels on.

Juddy defended himself on Triple M, and said his comments weren’t aimed at David, but Juddy’s father Andy came into the fray with a spirited defence.

“My Chris is not a liar! He may be an eye gouger, a chicken wing tackler, an idiot, a liar, but he is NOT a porn star!”

Well spoken, and to be honest, this coach changing thing is something the Swans failed to grasp this week, when they re-signed Horse.

No wonder the Swans have only won 2 flags in 85 years.

Hawthorn (12.12-84) defeated Nat Fyfe (8.5-53) @ York Park

Fremantle’s trips to Tasmania have produced weird moments, and in Ross Lyon’s 300th game as a coach, a mythical Tasmanian creature, long believed to be extinct, appeared to a stunned Launceston crowd.

Grant Birchall, playing across the half-back line.

I questioned what could be the greater miracle in 2019- Hawthorn making the Top 8, or Hawthorn scoring 100 points.

Birch actually managing to play in 2019 might be a bigger miracle than the two of them.

His return was essential in the Hawks win, as they were forced to deal with the other mythical beast that lurked around York Park, passing himself off as a midfielder named Nat Fyfe.

That was one of the most weirdly impressive one-man performances I’ve seen seen (It was so good I saw it twice) this decade- After looking like he’d badly hurt his shoulder when Freo were goalless in the 2nd Quarter, the skipper single-handidly dragged Fremantle back into the game, kicking 3 goals in 10 minutes and spoiling a Hawks goal just before Half-Time.

He finished with 24 disposals, 8 tackles, 6 marks and those 3 goals, and I don’t know where Robert Walls is in the world, but he’s probably not alone in giving Fyfe best afield honours in a losing cause.

But ultimately, after the Dockers got within 3 points in the 3rd Quarter, the momentum went straight back to the Hawks, as Mitchell Lewis evolved from the hybrid baby of Sam Mitchell and Jordan Lewis into Jason Dunstall, beating packs of three and kicking a pair of goals.

I was slightly disappointed that Luke Breust kicked a late goal, which meant we missed out on both WA teams losing to a team that had kicked 11.12.

On the bright side for Freo, they’re now averaging 1.25 goals per quarter over the past fortnight!

Essendon (12.14-86) defeated North Melbourne (12.9-81) @ Marvel Stadium

He warned us back at Easter, and you all forgot.

It really was a fantastic game- Jake Stringer dominating up forward like he was at a Year 10 Dinner Dance, Ben Cunnington racking up another gut punch victim in Zach Merrett (In fairness, he did hit the ball first), Ben Brown racking up 6 goals, and of course…




That goal and win should prove that the magic ‘Essendon Finals Push’ is real.

As for the Roos.. have you considered sacking Megamind to keep your finals chances alive?

Adelaide (23.13-151) defeated Gold Coast (8.8-56) @ Metricon Stadium

Another piss poor performance by Adelaide, coughing up two late goals to miss out on becoming the first team to rack up a 100 point win in 2019.

No wonder nobody takes them seriously as a finals chance.

Paul Seedsman’s only ineffective disposal all night came with 90 seconds to go, a no look handball straight to Alex Sexton which reduced the margin to a measly 95 points.

I personally hope Don Pyke euthanised him in front of the playing group for this grave error, just to send a message.

It really put a dampener on the latest slaughter of the Suns- Eddie Betts turned back into Eddie Betts doing his Eddie Betts thing by kicking 6 goals, Jenkins and Walker roamed around, and Tyson Stengle made his Crows debut, received his guernsey from Eddie in the rooms before the game, and kicked a comfortable 3 goals.

I do believe Eddie also advised young Tyson that he’s going to spend the rest of however long his career lasts being called Tyson Stenglein by Dwayne Russell.

As for the Suns… the people of Ethiopia will be holding a rock concert for their benefit next weekend.

Geelong (12.12-84) defeated St Kilda (8.9-57) @ GMHBA Stadium

After the Eagles wet the bed 24 hours earlier, the only thing Geelong had to do was be ahead on the scoreboard after four quarters to re-establish a two game break at the top of the ladder.

And they did just that, despite a good effort from the Saints to stay competitive for 3 Quarters, before fate set in and the Cats held them goalless for 54 minutes, which is still slightly better than going scoreless for 43 minutes.

Here’s a fun fact: The last six teams who have been at least a game clear on top of the ladder have failed to win the flag.

Richmond (13.16-94) defeated GWS (9.13-67) @ The MCG

Sometimes deep thinking is not required when we try and figure out why GWS always end up injury riddled every year, given that just this afternoon, they decided to play Stephen Coniglio a week after he hyper-extended his knee, and what a shock, he went down with a knee injury barely 5 minutes in, ending his afternoon, quite possibly his season, and sealing the fate of the Giants for the afternoon.

So that makes Coniglio the latest GWS midfielder picked in the Top 5 to suffer a major injury, meaning he now ticks all the boxes to get traded to Hawthorn.

Still, the Giants weren’t devoid of highlights- Bobby Hill kicked 3 on debut, which sparked a 2nd Quarter comeback… and that was it.

So, whip out the hand cream and tissues Tigers fans, and enjoy the highlights of Shai Bolton, and Sydney Stack putting in his nomination for Goal of the Week to start the game.

The Tiges are up to 5th, the Giants have dropped to 6th, and make no mistake about it, the Orange Soviets are in more trouble than the actual Soviets were in 1989.

Footscray (10.14-74) defeated Melbourne (9.12-66) @ Marvel Stadium

The Doggies went all-out for the Fightback 30 tribute, not only wearing the classic Scraggers guernsey, but running out to the original Footscray theme as well!

I was a tad disappointed that they couldn’t bring back some heroes from that ’89 Dogs team, like Doug Hawkins, Simon Beasley, Brian Royal, Tony McGuinness, plus Terry Wallace and Steve Wallis.

But that was probably a good thing, because they’re a bit old and slow these days, and they’d drag the team down in a tough game like the one this afternoon.

A very decent effort win the Dogs, considering Toby Maclean (Not trying to earn a high free kick, he really was injured) missed the 2nd Half, The Bont rolled his ankle, but stepping up big time yet again was Josh Dunkley, who overcame the humiliation of his brother kicking a goal on him to rack up 39 disposals (24 contested), 15 tackles and 2 goals.

Watching Josh develop into an elite part of this Dogs midfield, behind The Bont and Lachie Hunter, is like watching Novak Djokovic rise up and destroy Roger and Rafa, after being ‘The Third Guy’ between 2008-10.


Just like in ’89, the Scraggers are back, and they’re here to stay in the finals race.

Brisbane (14.13-97) defeated bahahaha, Port Adelaide (6.13-49) @ The Adelaide Oval

The Faganism Bible, Chapter 17, Verse 17

I don’t like to toot my horn, but I’m going to toot my own horn.


Although it’s probably not worth gloating about, since plenty of Port fans probably also saw it coming.

The alarm bells really were ringing pre-game for the Power, when Sam Powell-Pepper came into the team as a late inclusion, because Houston had a problem.

SPP was as useful as a late inclusion as Rahbeesh Binny was against the Aussies in the 1987 World Cup Series match in Bombay, because after 4 minutes, the Lions led 4 goals to 7 disposals, and by quarter time, they’d kicked 7.1, the best opening quarter at the AO by a visiting team.

Kenny Hinkley had spent the entire build-up to the game going on about how his players were going to get physical into Lachie Neale- How’d that work out for you, laser brain?

Was it after Dougal Howard and Tom Rockliff belted Neale after Brisbane kicked their 3rd goal, which turned into an easy 4th goal thanks to a pair of 50 metre penalties, that you realised it had completely failed?

Turns out there was 17 other players ready to stand up and kick your arses, instead of celebrating the 20th anniversary of the release of Fight Club.

The game was basically summed up by Charlie Cameron (Happy 100th too Charles) sprinting so fast into goal, that Ryan Burton suffered the dreaded massive hammy pull.

If that wasn’t painful enough, the Power kicked 9 behinds without a goal in the final quarter, despite the umpires giving them copious chances to kick a consolation goal.

It really does go to show, that Power and water don’t mix.

The Lions are now 3rd… is this the early 2000s?

Categories: AFL

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1 reply »

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