AFL

The Meaningless AFL Review: Round 19, 2019

Port fans trying to avoid contracting Giant cooties (Still: AFL.com.au)

Both Saturday afternoon games finished 87-60.

That’s obviously a margin of 27 points.

What day of the month was Saturday?

The 27th.


Richmond (14.14-98) defeated Collingwood (9.12-66) @ The MCG

Look, if you ignore everything besides the opening 5 minutes, Collingwood performed very well.

It’s just the other 145 minutes that actually mattered, and they were completely and utterly owned by the Tiges to the point that the game was done by Half Time.

Just to make it even worse, the Tigers had already lost Trent Cotchin for the game after Quarter Time.

But then again, if Collingwood’s night was terrible, Channel 7 had me genuinely concerned- BT is now officially “Beets” after meeting Mabior Chol’s cousin Peter, and in the 4th Quarter, Bruce made a comment that Eddie McGuire’s sons were “Good looking boys”, which was followed by dead air from the rest of the box.

Insert “Old man compliments teenage boy’s appearance” joke.

Still, Collingwood will make the Top 8 by default, with the amount of crap teams squabbling below them, and if they can keep what few good players they have still on the park, then they should be able to-

Ah, never mind.

Brisbane Lions (13.9-87) defeated Hawthorn (7.18-60) @ UTas Stadium

THE FAGANISM BIBLE: CHAPTER 19, VERSE 19

The 2nd Place Curse has struck again- Brisbane managed to win their 6th consecutive game (Their best streak since 2003), locked up their first finals appearance in a decade in the process…. and they still fell to 3rd.

Despite bringing the Lions victory in a godless hole like Tasmania, the teachings of Faganism could not stop the killer curse.

You know, I figured after the loss to the Eagles that the Hawks might realise that their goalkicking is dogshit, and learn from their mistakes, like they did after the 2012 Grand Final.

TURNS OUT THEY CAN’T.

WEEK AFTER BLOODY WEEK THEY KICK LIKE A PACK OF DICKHEADS IN FRONT OF GOAL, AND THEY STILL DON’T BLOODY WELL LEARN.

FOR CHRIST’S SAKE CLARKO, GET ANGRY FOR ONCE AND PUNCH ONE OF THEM, YOU VOLATILE SMURF.

I MEAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE, MITCHELL LEWIS MISSED TWO SHOTS FROM STRAIGHT IN FRONT, AND THEN NEARLY MADE A COMPLETE DICKHEAD OF HIMSELF DOING THIS.

Carlton (13.9-87) defeated Adelaide (9.6-60) @ The MCG

S_m, I’m sure the Blues will happily pay for your house in Rome.

David Teague has done it.

He’s managed to do what no Blues coach since Parko has been able to achieve, and that’s have a win greeted with “Meh”.

That was the reaction that greeted every Carlton win for 138 years, before the AFL decided to take a quick inspection of their salary cap back in 2002, and turned wins into a rarer event than an Australian swimmer passing a drugs test.

On the flip side, I wouldn’t be surprised if Don Pyke turns up at West Lakes stuffed in a barrel.

Season on the line, he drops Eddie Betts… and Patrick Cripps still does this to their inside midfielders.

From the Vader #1 comic

Although Crippa could only rack up 39 disposals, a goal, and an AFL record 19 clearances, so a very disappointed Diesel Williams has cancelled Monday’s 1 on 1 session.

Why the hell would the Blues want to waste $1.8m a season on Al Clarkson, when they’ve got a supercoach sitting right at the end of their peckers?

West Coast (18.13-12) defeated North Melbourne (10.12-72) @ Optus Stadium

Since I have a fetish for coincidences, here’s another one from Saturday.

2007: West Coast are the defending premiers, and they play the Roos in Perth, kicking 5.4 to 3.1 in the opening quarter, before finishing the game with 18.13-121.

2019: West Coast are the defending premiers, and they play the Roos in Perth, kicking 5.4 to 3.1 in the opening quarter, before finishing the game with 18.13-121.

Predictably, both games ended in easy wins to the Big Birds.

Josh Kennedy needed 6 goals to bring up 600 career goals, and with the way he bent over Robbie Tarrant in the 1st Half, he was going to finish the day halfway to 700.

He brought up the big 600 with a beauty of a snap in the 3rd Quarter, and he grabbed the Hungry Jacks logo in celebration, in recognition of the people who mean the most to him.

“I kicked 7 goals, but is it better than bacon?”

But alas, he went goalless in the final quarter, and continued his form slump by finishing with a disappointing 7 goals and 8 marks.

What a front running hack- Did he even get a touch in the last quarter?

St Kilda (15.14-104) defeated Melbourne (13.7-85) @ Marvel Stadium

What the hell is going on- That’s the third game this year I’ve picked the margin… I only managed it once for all of last year.

As per usual, Melbourne give a very decent effort for 3 quarters, and then their basic ability to football goes to hell in the final quarter.

They are without a doubt the disappointment of 2019, the 2010s decade, the millennium, the century, and whatever comes after a century.

On the flip side, another decent performance from the Ratten Saints- 100 points in consecutive weeks, and their only stuff-up all weekend was Rohan Marshall declaring “Shit, I’ve f**ked it” on the Sunday Footy Show.

Only a game and percentage out of the 8- With the way this year’s going, they could Steven Bradbury their way into an Elimination Final destroyation.

GWS (8.8-56) defeated Port Adelaide (7.13-55) @ The Adelaide Oval

Contrary to Derwayne’s comments, this game wasn’t a classic, it was a dour game that just happened to be watched by people because it was close.

Surely this game is just further proof that Ken Hinkley is replicating George Costanza’s efforts to get fired by the Yankees, so he could join the Mets.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Ken has been dragging the 2004 Premiership around the Alberton car park, trying to get a response.

“Attention Kochie and front office morons! Your triumphs mean nothing! You all stink! You can sit on it, and rotate! This is Ken Hinkley. I fear no reprisal. Extension two-zero-one-nine!”


Good thing the Crows exist, to come in and take all the bullets from The Addy.

Western Bulldogs (16.17-113) defeated Fremantle (9.12-66) @ Marvel Stadium

Playing with the sort of freedom that screamed “We’re not playing a caretaker coach!”, the Dogs were let off the leash by Bevo, utterly demolishing Freo in the 1st Half, and it was only their piss poor goalkicking in the 2nd Half that prevented them from gaining the percentage they’ll absolutely need to have any hope of playing finals.

Capping off a 1st Half in which they kicked 12 goals was none other than Rhylee ‘Son of Scotty’ West, who snapped his 1st goal.

And my word, Scotty was absolutely thrilled about that.

From /u/RCT10

Unfortunately though, as one young Pup begins his career, the oldest of old Dogs is probably off to get euthanised.

Dale Morris came back from 4 months with a left ACL injury, hurt the same knee during a tackle, and at the age of 36, that’s basically a Bali Nine death sentence for his career.

To say the least, it’s bloody devastating if he does have to call it day- We’ll never forget him mowing down Buddy in the 2016 Grand Final, which set up ‘Beets’ swearing after Tom Boyd’s centre square goal.

The Dockers will be ruing not flicking Ross The Boss- The evidence for success was there in front of them, and for a mere $2 million in the soft cap, they could’ve secured the 4 points today.

But then again, this is the Fremantle Football Club I’m talking about.

Geelong (16.11-107) defeated Sydney (12.8-80) @ The SCG

I’ll always enjoy Gilbert McAdam popping up out of nowhere with a “Hey fellas!”, to distract us from whatever boring crap ‘Beets’ is going on about.

Case in point- When he teleported into the stands and interviewed Plugger.

Swans fans didn’t even get the chance to feel a sense of nostalgia seeing Gary Rohan chronically underperform, because the Cats “managed” him.

No wonder the Pivotonians are so boring to watch now- Chris Scott can’t even give the fans the sort of footy they want to see.

It felt similar to the game the two teams played at Kardinia Park back in Round 11, minus Mark Blicavs diving like Matty Mitcham in Beijing circa 2008– The Swans started well in the 1st Half, the Cats slowly crept back, and then in the 2nd Half, they put the foot down and ultimately the cream rose to the top.

TL:DR- Geelong win game.

Essendon (16.10-106) defeated Gold Coast (15.6-96) @ Carrara

So Dons fans weren’t wrong when they told us all they were shitting themselves at the thought of losing to the Suns.

“Yeah play on boys.”

We’re not that far away from goal umpires signalling scores in Braille.

Just think about this- This weekend, the umpires stopped a game just to check if a ball hadn’t gone through for a rushed behind (In the last quarter of the Port-GWS game), despite them knowing it hadn’t… and yet they didn’t even bother to stop play and look at an even more blatant score.

WHAT’S GOING ON, GILLON AND STEVE?

Good thing the Dons kicked 2 goals in the last 40 seconds to shut down the mother of all Essingtons.

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