AFL

The Meaningless AFL Review: Round 20, 2019

A Bow ‘n Arrow is far more primitive than a good old fashioned Shotgun

Norf (12.14-86) defeated Hawf (9.10-64) @ Marvel Stadium

What’s a 4-time premiership winning coaching legend to a Megamind?

Friday night capped off a remarkable 24 hours for North- They ended their excruciating coaching search by appointing the caretaker- Probably because every other option laughed and said no- Followed by wheeling out Micky Martin for a lap of honour as part of the 150th anniversary of the club, and then the current Shinboners came from 4 goals down, and secured their most momentous win against the Hawks since the ’74 Prelim Final.

North’s opening quarter was summed up by Cameron Zurhaar trying to annihilate Ben Stratton with a bump- This time, the Zurhaar was messed with.

.The Pinchy Boi beats The Zurhaar

It did improve from there for the Roos- After Quarter Time, the Score was 78-36.

If the AFL shortened games to one quarter, this Hawks team would be a Top 4 contender.

On Silk’s big night, it was another frustrating performance, and pretty much a summary of quite a few Hawthorn games in 2019- Look okay for a half, drop off after that, and lose a decent player to injury along the way- In this case, Grant Birchall pulled his hamstring, pretty much ending his season, and causing ‘Beets’ to read out the obituary for his career.

“Beets’ was probably better off reading the obituary for Hawthorn’s season, but then again, that was killed during a tackling drill at a training session back in mid-January.

Port Adelaide (19.12-126) defeated Essendon (9.13-67) @ Marvel Stadium

Some say Robbie Gray is still being booed for killing Orazio Fantasia, and then pissing on his corpse.

10/10 photoshop from /u/nicholasalotalos

Out of complete nothingness, The Pear have reaffirmed themselves as the most dangerous team in the league, primarily because even they don’t know which Port will show up.

One week, they’re completely incapable of performing basic fundamental skills, and then on days like Saturday, they’re causing more death and destruction to decent teams than the Manson Family inflicted on Southern California.

Of course, a game like this was the perfect excuse for Xavier Duursma to turn back into Robin Hood, and fire the Bow ‘N Arrow, leading Ken Hinkley laughing like a baby watching his father hurt himself.

Fired directly into the heart of Essington

When you whip out the Bow ‘N Arrow when you’re 4 goals down, as Xavier did when they lost to Richmond, you do look like a complete dickhead, but when you’re 4 goals up, anything short of dropping your dacks and showing the Bombers fans a crescent moon is perfectly acceptable.

On the flip side, this was the Essington performance we knew was coming.

Especially after Cale Hooker started forward, and impersonated Ty Zantuck.

Still: Fox Footy

GWS (12.11-83) defeated Sydney Swans (12.9-81) @ GIANTS Stadium

It was Sam Reid vs Sam Reid in the Sam Reid Derby, and Sam Reid very nearly snagged the Swans the win, after he spilt a mark which should’ve been an arm-chop free kick with 30 seconds to go.

If it wasn’t that moment, then Dan Menzel was a decent chance of earning a 50m penalty after being shoved when he took the mark 55m out- He didn’t get it, and the kick didn’t make the distance and was belted through for a behind.

On the bright side, that weird in the back free kick that the Giants got which ended the game led to another addition to the “John Longmire Shocked Face” Collection.

(AFL.com.au/Fox Footy)

Why the long face, Horse?

Ultimately, this game should absolutely confirm that the Swans have well and truly taken the mantle as the “Honourable Loss” team of the league, which had been vacated by Carlton after David Teague’s appointment.

The Swans are now 6-13, having lost only one game by more than 40 points (Round 6 vs GWS), and they’re one loss away from equalling their worst season in 25 years.

The Giants won by a point last week, and they won yesterday by 2 points.

At this rate, they’re going to defeat the Hawks by 4 points this coming Friday night.

Fremantle (14.11-95) defeated Geelong (9.7-61) @ Optus Stadium

It’s a sound plan Mazda

It’s easy enough for me to sit here and bag the Pussies for playing like the Handbaggers of old (Which they did), but that would sell Freo short.

They were downright fantastic, when absolutely nobody expected them to, after every single thing listed above happened in another uneventful week at Cockburn.

Of course on the flip side, I should mention that the Cats spent an entire week in Perth ‘acclimatising’, which involved taking the usual Quokka selfies on ‘Rats’ Nest’ and quaffing down oysters.

Based on their performance, this has to be the most useless attempt to acclimatise by a team since the Wallabies went to Johannesburg two weeks early, and still got belted by the Springboks.

Off the field, Freo appear set to kick off a civil war, but on the field, they’re the perfect microcosm of how weird 2019 is- This win is now 3/4 teams they’ve beaten currently in the Top 4 (Throw in beating GWS and Collingwood too), and yet on the flip side, they’ve lost to 3/4 teams in the Bottom 4.

Saturday was a win for the true masochists that still attend Dockers games, and good on them, because they were damn well fantastic…. which still doesn’t sound right talking about Freo.

Of course, the old Tomahawk had a ripping yarn about the Dockers’ struggles when he went on 92.9 this week, which looks very funny in hindsight- Especially Pete Curulli’s prediction.

HAHAHAHAHA, YOUR TEAMMATES DIDN’T EVEN KICK 6 GOALS AFTER QUARTER TIME TOM.


Richmond (13.15-93) defeated Melbourne (9.6-60) @ The MCG

As I was reminded by a Tigers fan, Friday marked a decade since a pivotal moment in the history of our disfigured game.

The legendary ‘Tankgate’ game, which of course, ended with Jordy McMahon goaling after the siren.

The reason I mentioned this is because it was bound to be more entertaining than the game last night, and it was, once you ignore Ivan Soldo demonstrating how to use your feet in a ruck contest.

Insert “GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL” commentary (Footage: Channel 7)

The Tigers predictably pulled away after half time, and because of Tom Lynch being unable to get engaged in a “You left the Suns” shitfight with Steven May, the most entertaining thing to finish off the game turned out to be umpire Shane ‘Methuselah’ McInerney getting the salute off the ground from both teams, after he became the first person to umpire 500 games of VFL/AFL footy.

Good to see the Umpires Cheersquad reform for this historic moment (Stills: Channel 7)

If this Tigers team doesn’t turn your undies brown, this stat should.

And they also scored 13.15-93 in both games.

Aw shit, here we go again.

Adelaide (14.8-92) defeated St Kilda (10.10-70) @ Adelaide Oval

After a gastro outbreak killed 7 members of the team, the writing really was on the wall for the Sainters, and in a game that was reasonably close for 3 Quarters, the Croweaters completed their dark ritual, and summoned a fearsome creature to render Brett Ratten’s caretaker powers impotent.

FOGZILLA.

Formerly known as Darcy Fogarty.

After that, the game was won.

Collingwood (18.12-120) defeated Gold Coast (8.3-51) @ The MCG

Much like a Seinfeld episode, we were going to learn absolutely nothing at the end, but at least for one day, Collingwood were back to the Collingwood we’ve come to know since the start of 2018- Winning, and picking up multiple injuries in the same game.

And there was the customary weird umpiring call- The Boundary Umpire completely missing the ball bouncing out of play, and then a throw from Hoskin-Elliott which led to Sidebottom kicking a goal.

I can hear BT screaming “THAT WAS OUT OF BOUNDS” ad nauseam (Still from AFL.com.au/Fox Footy)

And of course, Hehehehe, the Pies won by 69 points.

West Coast Eagles (15.9-99) defeated Carlton (11.9-75) @ Marvel Stadium

Ah, petty rivalries are beautiful. (From the West Coast Twitter)

Dale Thomas was a late out for Carlton before the game, leading to the debut of someone called Angus Schumacher.

Somewhere in Germany, Ralf Schumacher must be smiling at the thought that he’s no longer the least-memorable Schumacher.

“Hey, remember when Michael Schumacher’s brother raced with him in Formula One, and won 6 Grands Prix?”

“Michael Schumacher has a brother?”

As expected, he had as much impact on the game as Ralf and Michael put together, which after Quarter Time, looked exactly like the 16th team on the ladder playing the team in 2nd.

The Eagles’ foot skills were visually fantastic- They’d laser kicks into the corridor and pretty much always hit a target on the chest, and there was also a period in the 2nd and 3rd Quarters where pretty much every time the Eagles got anywhere near their Forward 50, they’d either hit a target lace out, or get it to ground and let Flyin’ Ryan go nuts.

It was also during the 3rd Quarter where Blues fans at Docklands appeared develop a deep hatred for Oscar Allen, purely because Kade Simpson whacked him off the ball Inside 50, right in the eye line of the umpire, which led to a free kick, and the Eagles kicking another goal.

*Goes to ground after being hit in the face*

“Hurr durr you dived.”

And then of course, they backed off in the last quarter, failed to score 100 points, and cost themselves valuable percentage by allowing Nic Newman some late target practice.

Fortunately, Brisbane did the same thing against the Dogs, so the Eagles are still in 2nd, and have successfully killed the 2nd Place Curse for a week.

Brisbane Lions (14.14-98) Western Bulldogs (11.14-80) @ The Gabba

THE FAGANISM BIBLE- CHAPTER 20, VERSE 20

I noticed on the Fox Footy that Thor and his family were at the game, but then again, what’s a God of Thunder to a Lord of Football?

HOIST IT

After disposing of the Bullies like they were taking them for a walk, Fagan’s disciples are on their best winning streak in 17 years- With the Broncos having been massacred by the Storm and the Cowboys now deceased, the Banana Benders will come FLOCKING to the one true footballing faith.

Amen.

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