Cricket

The Ashes: 3rd Test Review

England (67 & 9-362) defeated Australia (179 & 246) by 1 wicket @ Headingley

Actually I wouldn’t even call this a review, I’d say it’s a really pissed off rant.


ONE WICKET.

ONE LOUSY BLOODY WICKET, AND WE’D HOLD ON TO THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF WOOD.

FOR GOD’S SAKE GARY, WHY COULDN’T YOU HOLD THE BLOODY BALL AND EXECUTE A SIMPLE RUN OUT TO RETAIN THE URN.

FOR GOD’S SAKE MARCUS, WHY COULDN’T YOU THROW IT TO THE KEEPER’S END WHEN STOKES SLIPPED.

And there was that dropped catch as well, which was a tad more difficult.

FOR GOD’S SAKE TIM AND PAT, WHY DID YOU WASTE YOUR LAST REVIEW ON A BALL THAT WAS GOING A MILE DOWN LEG SIDE.

IT’S NOT LIKE IT DIDN’T COME BACK TO BITE US ON THE ARSE.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY ARE CHRIS GAFF-ANEY AND JOEL WILSON STILL UMPIRING THIS SERIES.

HEY JOEL, THIS IS CALLED LEG BEFORE WICKET.

NEXT TIME YOU’RE IN A SPORTS STORE, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND BUY YOURSELF A NEW PAIR OF BALLS, MAYBE THEY’LL HELP YOU CALL IT FOR WHAT IT IS- PLUMB LEG BEFORE WICKET.

AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY CAN’T ANY OF OUR SUPPOSED MIDDLE ORDER BATSMEN WHO DON’T SOUND LIKE “LOOSE BUS CHANGE” SCORE A DAMN RUN.

IF THAT LEAD WAS 400+, IT WAS GAME OVER AND WE’RE ALL HERE AS HAPPY AS LARRY, AND I’M NOT POSTING EVERYTHING IN CAPS TO SIMULATE YELLING.

EVERY BLOODY CLOSE TEST IN HISTORY, AND AUSTRALIA SOMEHOW LOSE EVERY BLOODY TIME.

MELBOURNE ’82, EDGBASTON ’05, MOHALI 2010, HOBART 2011, AND NOW BLOODY HEADLINGLEY 2019.

I COULD GO ON.

AND OF COURSE, THE WORST 1ST INNINGS PERFORMANCE TO WIN A TEST MATCH SINCE 1887 HAPPENS TO BE AGAINST AUSTRALIA.

AND OF COURSE, ONE OF THE HIGHEST SUCCESSFUL 4TH INNINGS CHASES IN THE HISTORY OF TEST CRICKET ONCE AGAIN HAPPENS TO COME AGAINST AUSTRALIA.

Forget Collingwood choking in an untold number of Grand Finals, this is a choke worse than anything they’ve ever attempted or accomplished.

Tim Paine…. You could seamlessly fit Richie Benaud’s thoughts on the Underarm ball to Timmy’s performance on Day 4.

Glorified cheerleader.

Smith coming back won’t make a difference, we’ve lost this series…. this mental scarring could be worse than 1981 after Beefy destroyed them.

18 bloody years… and on we wait for an Ashes win in England.

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