“GOOD GOD, GOOD GOD!”

“THAT’S IT, HE’S DEAD.”

“WILL SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH! ENOUGH’S ENOUGH!”

North Queensland 15 defeated Canterbury 8 @ 1300Smiles Stadium

“Couple of inches short, story of my life”

Fatty Vautin describing Michael Morgan trying to score a try

The Dogs’ status of the 2019 Meme Team has run its destructive course, as their gameplan of sucking in and finishing off Top 8 contenders with a brutal and boring gameplan just wasn’t as effective against a Bottom 8 team like the Cowboys.

You merely adopted the crap gameplan Doggies.

The Cowboys were born in it, molded by it.

It must be said, this wasn’t the kind of game that would go straight to VHS and be stored in the National Archive, in fact, it served as proof as to why the Cowboys season is long dead, and the Dogs needed 30 billion results to go their way, just to have a chance of playing finals.

But still, after 25 years of fans driving hundreds of kilometres just to watch them play, the ‘Boys got the farewell to the Willows they’d been hoping for.

And the team capped it off with a try at the death, allowing departing champion Scott Bolton to knock over the last-ever points at the ground after the siren sounded, which should be enough to get Scotty a contract with Cronulla next year as their first-choice goalkicker.

If only the North Queenslanders had burned down the grandstands in celebration of the occasion, like what those drunk Eels fans did at Cumberland Oval after they finally won a premiership in 1981.

Souths 31 defeated New Zealand 10 @ Mt Smart Stadium

If only Jacinda Ardern had attended every Warriors game in 2019, instead of dealing with trivial matters like climate change swallowing Pacific Islands, threats from Alan Jones, and Donald Trump’s megalomania.

During opening half-hour, the Kiwis were totally outplayed and trailed 14-0.

As soon as their beloved PM was spotted by a TV camera, the Warriors scored twice in two sets and were back in the game.

After the camera operators realised their mistake, they all dodged Jacinda for the rest of the night, and lo and behold, the Rabbits (More specifically Cameron Murray) went back to pummeling the Warriors.

Those camera people were obviously Australians.

After all of my prognostications of doom a fortnight ago, the Rabbits have suddenly caught a tailwind at the right time of the season, and are now back in the Top 4, thanks Manly succumbing to their injuries.

Which probably means I can bring back this disgrace of a gag!

Brisbane 17 defeated Parramatta 16 in Golden Point @ Suncorp Stadium

I declared David Fifita would put in a big performance in front of his future employers, and I couldn’t agree with me more on that one.

There’s something so mesmerising about watching a teenager utterly demolish an entire defensive line, and setting up the winning field goal…. on the first set of Golden Point.

Of course, while Fifita rightfully takes the plaudits, we can’t forget the other Queensland Origin rep who pulled his finger out for his best effort of the year, with a try and a bunch of linebreaks.

They should stick that photo in a capsule, dig it up in 40 years, and remind the young boys and girls who survive World War V, that if Darius Boyd can be named Man of the Match in a game with the season on the line, then nothing is impossible.

In fact, the Broncos should add a couple of extra zeros onto Darius’ contract on the back of this effort- It’s nothing he hasn’t earned.

I still find the 2019 Broncos utterly weird.

Their forward pack of Haas and Fifita perform like they’re the genetic result of the Pegasus breeding with Black Caviar.. and then everything else seems to resemble the arse of an Arse.

The Broncos are just about locked in to a finals spot (7th or 8th will be determined next Sunday), and the Eels have to win by at least 12 points next week against the Sea Eagles to finish 5th.

There’s still a good chance of a rematch in an Elimination Final in Western Sydney in a fortnight.

Newcastle 38 defeated Gold Coast 4 @ McDonald Jones Stadium

The Knights shat on their fanbase this past week, so the Novocastrians decided to get back at the team, using their middle finger, and their feet.

A crowd of 8,274, the worst Newcastle crowd since the heady days of the Super League War.

And it was Old Boy’s Day as well.

But, to put that in perspective, St George would call that a sellout.

Those who did turn out were most likely the only people on the Central Coast & Hunter who didn’t drown in the biblical rain between Thursday and Saturday.

But after another dour season, they got a lovely farewell to the season, as the Knights ran rings around those hapless Titans (Who scored the first try and nothing else), and ‘Don’ Bradman Best scored his maiden NRL try.

Kohli good, Steve Smith great, Bradman Best.

Melbourne 36 defeated Manly 6 @ Brookvale

The News Corp crew billed the game as The Battle of Brookvale II, and they were absolutely spot on in it being a battle, as the corpses of the fallen littered the soaked battlefield in a bloody display of warfare disguised as rugby league.

One such victim was Cameron Munster, who perished when he encountered Jorge Taufua in the most brutal (legal) hit of the year.

Cam’s remains have been returned to AAMI Park.

The other major victim that was identified from the Battle was Manly’s finals chances, which most likely died in the 10th minute, around the same time Tommy Turbo ‘Popped his pec’ and was forced from the field for the last time in 2019.

Manly have delayed his surgery, out of nothing short of optimism.

It wouldn’t have been a Battle of Brooky without an actual fight, but what we ended up getting in the 68th minute was akin to Steve Martin portraying Inspector Clouseau in the 2006 version of the Pink Panther- A cheap remake that wasn’t up to the standard of the original.

Will Chambers got sin-binned and reported (Just for being there), and his punishment appeared to be some abuse and an airswing from some cock brain in the crowd, who was promptly arrested.

Here’s a way to stop stupid incidents like this at sporting events- Threaten offenders with an encounter with Jorge Taufua in a dark alley.

As a result of this incident alone, the NRL are weighing up stripping the Sea Eagles of a final at Brookvale in Week One of the finals.

If you ask me, that’s a complete overreaction- Brooky is completely safe.

The only problem is that it’s full of Sea Eagles fans.

Anyway, a 10/10 performance from the Storm, The Juzzy Wuzzy Angel in Justin Olam with a hat-trick to send Papua New Guinea into a frenzy, and that’s now 3 non-salary cap cheating JJ Giltinan Shields in the past 4 seasons.

Bellyache will probably rest a host of players next weekend, and still have enough quality bring up another 20-win season.

Sydney 22 defeated Penrith 6 @ The SCG

With their season on the line, the Mountain Men played with plenty of positive intent against the weakened Easts, and bagged an early 6-0 lead.

And that’s where the story ends, because they were forced into 2 defensive errors in the space of 2 minutes, the Roosters being the Roosters scored two tries, and never trailed again.

It also helped Robbo and his troops that the Panthers attack inside 20 metres once again represented as big an attack to the senses as anything Pablo Picasso ever conjured.

It did also help that there was a slightly dodgy disallowed try against the Panthers just before the half, because according to the Bunker, turning your back on the play and crying to the ref for obstruction instead of making a tackle is actually obstruction.

The Panthers have hit the end of the line, and crashed into the ravine below like the rigged train from Back To The Future, while the defending Premiers have now won 7 in a row, are locked in for 2nd spot, and they face their age old rivals in the Bunnies to kick off the last round.

It begs the question- Does Robbo rest players ahead of the finals, or does he go full steam ahead and try and beat the crap of Souths, because Eastern Suburbs honour demands it.

Meanwhile, on the bright side for the Panthers, Ivan Cleary got the greatest Father’s Day present ever from Nathan.

All of September off.

They sacked Anthony Griffin for sitting 5th a week out from the finals last year.

Enjoy Mad Monday at the Penny Maccas, fellas.

Canberra 15 defeated Cronulla 14 in Golden Point @ Shark Park

In a more familiar sight than Nick Kyrgios engaging in mental gymnastics, Shaun Johnson was injured again in the warm-up, and had to be replaced by Kyle Flanagan.

I haven’t seen a star Kiwi break down this repeatedly since Efficient.

As a result, Sharks fans shuddered with dread with Flanagan being returned the halves and taking the kicking tee, and he vindicated those fears by missing every conversion (The last one hit the post, just to rub it in), and for the fourth time in 2019 (And the second time against the Raiders), the Sharks lost a game despite scoring more tries.

With better goalkicking, they’d be in 4th right now.

The Raiders had to dig deep to get out alive, because the Sharks were doped up with emotion, with it being Paul Gallen’s last game at Shark Park , plus there was the devastating news of Valentine Holmes failing to make the New York Jets’ 53-man roster to spur them on to a famous win.

It didn’t quite happen, thanks to Aidan Sezer landing 3 field goals, responding to Chad Townsend landing 2 of his own, in what was the first First Grade game with at least 5 field goals in the NRL era, and the first since the 1970 Grand Final, when Souths & Manly combined for 6 (Eric Simms kicked 4 of them).

The most brutal part about such a shattering loss was that after the game, Gal had to get up on stage and thank everyone for the whole week, which was the worst case of cruelty since ESPN interviewed a crying 15-year-old Coco Gauff on court, after she was knocked by Naomi Osaka at Flushing Meadows.

Those Americans love pioneering torture techniques.

The Raiders will probably finish 3rd, and the Sharks are now playing a mini sudden death final a week early.

I wouldn’t be surprised if ScoMo is arranging for John Bateman and Josh Hodgson to be deported for ruining Gal’s farewell.

Wests Tigers 42 defeated St George-Illawarra 14 @ The SCG

Just think about it- These are two joint ventures that aren’t really joint ventures anymore.

The Illawarra Steelers sold off all their shares in St George-Illawarra, and pretty soon, Balmain will legally cease to exist and be taken over by Wests Ashfield.

So what we effectively had was St George vs Western Suburbs, in a long-awaited rematch of the 1963 Grand Final.

And weren’t the Tigers out to avenge a game that they have no association with, and of their playing group, only Benji Marshall was alive to see.

After appearing a bit flat in the 1st Half, and the scores still being 18-14 with 20 minutes to go, the Tigers just went into a frenzy the moment Paul Momirovski completed his hat-trick to make it 24-14, and they ended the game with 3 tries in the last 10 minutes, which was started by Benji being Benji and recreating his 2005 Prelim try.

If Benji was a WWE wrestler, his walk-on theme would be “What’s My Age Again?” by Blink 182.

This game was the epitome of the Dragons’ year from hell- A mountain of tries conceded, Corey Thompson was knocked out by a stray knee from Esan Marsters, and then there was Cameron McInnes breaking his leg with 3 minutes to go.

And so, the Tigers took care of business, giving the league honchos a Tigers-Sharks deathmatch at Leichardt (Which is sold out a week in advance) that the upcoming dead in the arse final round of the season needed.

A finals spot on the line, and either Robbie Farah’s or Paul Gallen’s career being fatally shanked in a prison shower.