This week on: Fatty Vautin’s relationship advice.
The follow-up to “Joey, what’s an escort?”
Parramatta 26 defeated Wests Tigers 18 at Bankwest Stadium
Well, yours truly and Backdoor Benny Elias got one thing right – Wests’ forward pack had a vendetta against Ryan Matterson, to the point that Russell Packer blasted Matto so hard on a hit-up that the one-time turncoat was heavily concussed.
What a great teammate Fergo was in that situation, helping Matto stay upright when he was so thoroughly out of it.
And the other serious moment was Michael Chee Kam going in low to tackle Shaun Lane, only to get his head caught at an awkward angle and start suffering a convulsive seizure on the field.
Chee Kam spent the night under observation in hospital before being released, but when you combine that with Adam Doueihi and Sam McIntyre barely appearing in the 2nd Half with concussions of their own, it was no shock to see Wests struggle to play out the game with 14 players.
The sad part was the Tigers actually started very well and led 10-4 after a quality 15 minutes, which featured Luuciano Leilua scoring after 2 minutes, Maika Sivo and David Nofoaluma swapping tries, and Mitch Moses returning in style:
That’s what separates Cam Smith from us mortals – He can slip and still nail a sideline conversion.
To be honest, I think the Tigers shot themselves in the foot when they decided to take the 2 after getting a penalty 10m out from the Eels line to make it 12-4 after 20 minutes.
I say that because….
What happened on the Eels next set?
Regan Campbell-Gillard ran half the length of the field and scored.
And wouldn’t you know it, Parra were back ahead before the half when Moses perfected the kick and chase for himself, and Shaun Lane scored just after the break.
All over, Eels win, nobody bats an eyelid.
Speaking of batting an eyelid, I was batting my eyelids plenty of times when I saw Blake Ferguson complete the putdown of the year after the sting had gone out of the game:
There was only one problem… Andrew Davey had knocked on in back play and robbed Fergo The Frog of his first try in 2020.
Still, the Eels obviously forgave him, because he wasn’t sent on loan to the Warriors.
Manly 24 defeated North Queensland 12 at North Queensland Stadium
The intent is obviously there for the Cowboys, but one thing hasn’t changed in the space of a few days under Josh Hannay, and it’s that they have none of the execution in attack, and while the Silvertails weren’t exactly producing something resembling chocolate-smelling excrement, they made fewer mistakes and got the job done.
The one I remember very well – At 18-6 Sea Eagles, with 15 minutes remaining, the Cowboys still had a chance of making a late run and maybe forcing Golden Point, and a kick into the in-goal set perfectly for Coen Hess….. who managed to completely arse it up.
One minute later, Cade Cust finished off the Cows with a try, completing another successful trip to the tropical North for Des and the boys.
Welcome to the joys of coaching this Cowboys team, Josh Hannay:
Also, what a day out for Daly Cherry-Evans.
He scored a try, dropped a Tombstone Piledriver on Tom Gilbert, and did something in the last minutes that was the very definition of a captain’s effort.
The Cowboys defence then had the Sea Eagles at 6s and 7s, and they looked certain to score in the corner, but DCE floored it, got over to cover, and in a tag team with Reuben Garrick, forced Murray Taulagi to pass back to Justin O’Neill, who lost the ball in a Moses Suli tackle, and that was the end of the action.
Very solid win.
Sunny Coast Storm 46 defeated Brisbane 8 at Suncorp Stadium
If you take out the last 59 minutes, the Broncos actually looked much better.
First of all, they actually scored, they led, they only let in 46 points, and they only lost by 38!
And that’s where the positives ended, because the Storm made a heap of mistakes, particularly in the 1st Half, and yet, such is the gap between the top and bottom sides in the NRL, they rooted them 3 ways from Sunday.
And the sad part was… EVERYONE SAW IT COMING.
How on earth did they think starting an injured Anthony Milford at fullback was a smart idea…. wasn’t like anything bad was going to happen.
It does seem fitting that the Storm are sponsored by Grill’d…. Although from what I saw on the TV feed of the sheds, Craig Bellamy was giving them something similar to a roast for only leading by 6 at Half-Time.
Sydney Roosters 18 defeated Once Were Warriors 10 at Central Coast Stadium
Let this game once again serve as proof that the Roosters have a burning hatred for Gosford.
They really are in a mid-season wobble – Boyd Cordner was concussed at training and didn’t play, they already had all the injuries, Jake Friend still can’t seem to realise that if he ever wants a Maroons jersey he’ll have to stop passing the ball forward, and it took a bit of typical Luke Keary genius on the 50 minute mark to finally steer them in in the right direction.
There was no sniffing their own farts, there was no distracting bullshit about Sonny Bill coming to down didn’t put them off – They just had a right old cock of an afternoon.
Conversely, the Warriors never looked like a team that sat at an even $11 with bookmakers – They looked determined, they defended fiercely all afternoon, they were putting scoreboard pressure on the Roosters, and probably the highlight was Jack Hetherington giving it to Jared Waerea-Hargreaves all afternoon.
Obviously Jack boomed JWH pretty good, because the big Kiwi gave away 3 high-tackle penalties within the opening 15 minutes, and didn’t even want to shake Hetho’s hand after the game, a clear sign that a Penrith loan player is living in his head.
Compare that to Shawn Blore vs Nathan Brown on Thursday night…. belting each other all night, and yet, they were having a good laugh after the game.
The Warriors played this game like it was their Grand Final, and given the Warriors history in Grand Finals against the Roosters, it was no surprise that they lost.
Cronulla 28 defeated St George-Illawarra 24 at Kogarah
Every week there always seems to be one little huge error in the land of officialdom, and this week, it was Matt Dufty managing to maintain pressure on the grounding after he had fallen on his stomach and Jack Williams bearing down.
To play the role of Captain Obvious, yes, that was awarded a try…
The result of that piss-up, other than an incorrect 4 points to the Sharks, is that we have officially reached a bar low enough for Bunker officials to get dropped.
Congratulations nimrods, you thoroughly earned it.
In a typical Sharks game devoid of defensive pressure and full of tries (The Dragons scored a cracker from halfway) the ‘hosts’ took great delight in defiling the turf once roamed by their older brothers from St George (Before they merged, obviously), and it was a 22-0 run (After trailing 14-6) in a 20 minute span either side of the break that set up the win for the Sharks, who looked in serious danger of being run over in the final 20 minutes.
Still, the Dragons, despite scoring the last 2 tries, didn’t score again after the 58 minute mark, despite coming agonisingly close to tying the scores twice and having a kick for the lead & win in the final 10 minutes.
First, it was Matt Dufty chasing down the early kick and knocking on when he was certain to score:
And on the last play of the night, Jason Saab was wheeled out of the garage and almost brought down the tying score… only to knock the ball on to the dead ball line.
A literal game of inches
Canberra 18 defeated South Sydney 12 at GIO Stadium
Here’s some classic back and forth between Michael Ennis and Ricky Stuart:
The joke from Mick about his chest hair, and the response is classic:
“Rick, you’ve got the winter coat growing out of the collar there, mate.”
“Hahahaha, you’re a dickhead Mick.”
*Everyone pisses themselves laughing*
Ah, genuine humour.
So we found out why John Bateman was named as a reserve for Canberra… not because he’s ready to play again, but because the Raiders didn’t have enough fit players to fill their squad of 21.
Kind of sums up where they’re at with personnel.
On a rare example of a rainy night in Canberra, the Raiders scored twice and led 10-0 early on, but Souths pegged them back and led 12-10 at the half, and would spend the rest of the night doing the same stupid crap they did against the Storm.
Then one I can think of that was particularly stupid was Damien Cook, the first-choice Australian & New South Wales hooker, throwing a forward pass on the 1st tackle on the Raiders 10 when the scores were tied.
From what I remember, that was off the back of repeat sets on the Canberra line….. AWhich they hardly saw again.
Wouldn’t you know it, the Raiders eventually worked their way down to the corner, and Semi Valvemi slipped in to score his first NRL try.
It was as painful to watch for Souths fans as it was for Matty & Trish Johns watching his son Jack managing to pick out Josh Papalii’s right shoulder as the destination for his first NRL hit-up.
The Raiders eeked out another tough win, and the only serious blow for the Raiders was Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad seriously, and rather gruesomely, dislocating his left pinkie finger.
Pfft, if it’s giving you grief, just cut the thing off.
It worked for Ronnie Lott.
And further to it, Jordan Rapana had to fill in for CNK, only to end the game getting a concussion test.
Still, Josh Papalii hasn’t suffered a gruesome injury, and instead, we’re all having to suffer painfully because of Papa, given he’s become the latest target of a Matt Nable loud whispering voice over on Fox League played every 5 minutes.
“Each week, there’s a picture of a different kid in his locker.”
Well, it’s surprising that the AFP haven’t investigated Papa.
I swear, every bloody one of those Nable voice overs has the same annoying line:
HOW GOOD IS THIS BLOKE?
HOW GOOD IS THIS BLOKE?
HOW GOOD IS THIS BLOKE?
WHY DON’T YOU TELL US MATT, YOU’RE THE ONE TALKING ABOUT THEM.
Canterbury 18 defeated Newcastle 12 at McDonald Jones Stadium
And that is game, set and match on the Knights for 2020.
Confirming something that most people knew, the Newcastle hooker position is cursed, and has been ever since Danny Buderus retired.
Jayden Brailey was already gone for the season with a torn ACL, and after today…
Andrew McCullough = Gone, hamstring tendon off the bone
Connor Watson = Gone, tore his achilles tendon
And most of the team probably drowned with how fierce that rain was.
It was nothing short of ugly for the hosts.
At the same time, the Bulldogs were probably happier than a dog with two dicks that it started pissing rain all weekend, because it was absolutely perfect conditions for a team who thrive on defensive football.
The Dogs, led by Nick Meany – Who genuinely outplayed Kalyn Ponga in the No.1 stakes – Barely made an error when they had every right to, record 41 out of 45 completions in torrential rain.
The Knights had the ball 7 more times and had the same number of completions.
Errors my friends, it was the exact reason why the Dogs were up 18-0 with half-an-hour.
Still, just like last week, they did crap themselves in the final 20 minutes as the Knights finally got things going, spending an age camped in the Dogs half, and they clawed back 2 converted tries…. but they never got the 3rd.
The Bulldogs are now within a game of dropping Brisbane to last…
When you think about it, it’s not just a win for the Bulldogs, it’s a win for the game.
Penrith 22 defeated Gold Coast 16 at Cbus Super Stadium
THE PINK PANTHERS HAVE DONE IT AGAIN
What an utterly unusual 1st Half.
The Panthers absolutely dominated the Titans, they had 61% of the ball, had a mortgage on the Titans 20…..
And they only led 16-14.
The Titans had no tackles inside Penrith’s 20 until the final 7 minutes before Half-Time, and yet, they somehow had 2 tries on the board, the first coming from Jamal Fogarty, who scooped on a stray kick 5m out and ran 95m to score his maiden NRL try.
The other was Ash Taylor’s grubber kick that Brian Kelly got to before the dead ball, and Anthony Don scored from dummy-half on the last play before half-time.
Unfortunately once the typical Queensland monsoon started coming down during the half, the rain turned into an absolute slugfest, and while the Panthers still had that leadership of Keary and Tamou, the Penrith 17 as a collective were the least experienced side this weekend, with 968 games.
If you remember back to Round 4, the Broncos played the Roosters with a similar total of games experience, which obviously ended with a historically awful defeat, because unlike the Panthers, they had no genuine leadership.
They were also paying a full-strength Roosters team… the Panthers were playing a Titans team who have no clue what the phrase “Don’t kick it out on the full on the last tackle” means.
Still, the Mountain Men keep finding ways to win, despite looking vulnerable at every turn, and as we tick past Round 11, the Panthers are enjoying their best start to a season on record – 9 wins from their first 11 games.
I think the officials should also be commended for calling a very fair game – They missed the knock-on when the Titans scored the Don try on half-time, then the Panthers were given the try to Watene-Zelezniak off what looked like an enormously suspect forward pass, which turned out to be the only points of the 2nd Half.
The Titans may have lost, but they got the 2 competition points off the field….
Should start bullshitting and use my other account…. I’m on 61 on that one!