AFL

Meaningless AFL Review: Round 10, 2020

Classic AFL:

Have rules & regulations against players wearing metal screw-in stops on their boots.

Player wears metal screw-in stops and causes gash in a player’s leg the size of the Pacific Ocean.

Despite player blatantly wearing boots in contradiction to the rule, the AFL don’t fine the offending club, because they never enforce the rule, to such a degree that the type of screw-in is now widely worn around the league.

Deadset, this is going to end up like junior footy, and the umpires have to inspect all the players studs and fingernail lengths.

If you have rules but don’t enforce them, they’re just suggestions.


Port Adelaide 8.7-55 defeated Western Bulldogs 5.12-42 at the Adelaide Oval

Christ almighty, what a frustrating team the Bulldogs are.

All over the Pear in the opening half, thumping them in the clearances, an ungodly number of Inside 50s their way….

And all they had was 3 goals apiece and a 3 point lead to show for it, and 2 of Port’s goals were from Jason Johanissen losing brain cells and turning the ball over.

Considering the roasting he probably got and the state of annoyance he was in, no wonder JJ was in tears in the rooms after the game….

Although, He would’ve been calling the AFP if he’d heard the things I said about his errors in my secluded shack.

Lo and behold, after the Dogs pissed away numerous chances to really build a lead, the ladder leaders completely flipped the script in the clearance battle, and up forward, Charlie Dixon’s marking game was on full display, to the point that he took the piss with a one-handed triple juggle.

Compare that effort from a key forward like Big Charlie to what the Bulldogs got from Josh Bruce, who racked up all of 2 disposals, in a display that rivalled Billy Gowers against the Tigers when it comes to near irrelevance on the field.

I can only think Luke Beveridge will be thanking Jehovah when Aaron Naughton returns tonight, because the Dogs key forwards have been so poor over the last 3 rounds, they may as well have played with 17 on the ground.

Although, some would claim that they’ve had 21 on the ground since 2016.

4 goals to none Port’s way in the 3rd Quarter, and the subsequent 23 point gap was a mental bridge too far for the Doggies, who still had at least half-a-dozen chances in the final term to bring themselves back within single figures, but all they kicked was 2.6 in front of goal, and the hypothetical chair out from underneath their feet.

I still have no idea if Port are any good.


Richmond 12.10-82 defeated Brisbane 4.17-41 at Metricon Stadium

Fagan 3.16:

“And Lord Fagan did say unto the Lions, Thou shalt kick behinds instead of goals, for we haveth no idea what are doing.”

Alternatively, in the style of Stone Cold Steve Austin:

BRISBANE 3.16 SAYS YOU JUST KICKED A POINT.

What a fantastic way for a team to show they’ve learned absolutely nothing from last year’s Qualifying Final, and further shovel soil on the seed of doubt in the 2020 Lions’ premiership hopes.

Can’t beat Richmond, and they absolutely can’t be trusted to kick a set shot.

For everyone, what summed up Brisbane’s putrid kicking at goal was this grand moment in the 2nd Quarter.

Trailing by only 10 points, Lincoln McCarthy kicks a lace out pass to Sam Skinner out the back to cut the gap to 4 points…..

Only to watch Skinner play on and utterly shank the kick from point blank range.

SKINNER!!!!

What seals it is Lord Fagan raising his arms in disbelief, while also remembering that Daniel McStay is due back for Round 11 (Hang on, that’s today), so he can sacrifice Skinner in an unholy ritual.

Of course, Richmond kicked 4 more unanswered goals in the next 7 minutes, in all they kicked 12 of the last 14 goals, and for the 15th game and 11th year on end, the Tigers handed the Lions their lunch, and sent a shiver up the spine of everyone with the thought that the Tiggy Train is making steam, as the home stretch of 2020 begins.

Choo Choo!

On another more troubling note, besides Tom Lynch shoving a defenseless player in the back of the head, it took Channel 10’s Hugh Riminton (Of all people) to raise the point with Dimma that Richmond players, particularly Nick Vlaustin and Jayden Short, do seem to love ‘feeling’ Mabior Chol’s meat and veggies during the team song.

Classic stupid shit that happens in footy club change rooms, but at the very least Richmond told the players to cut the crap, considering the optics of a black guy getting groped in the workplace would send alarm bells ringing, even though ‘Two Phones’ himself towed the party line and said he didn’t have an issue with either player.

Anyway, the Tigers may be slightly disturbing and perverted, but they are quite good.


Geelong 13.12-90 defeated North Melbourne 9.3-57 at the Gabba

It was a game that happened, and that scoreboard doesn’t lie, because Geelong never ever looked like losing.

Gryan Miers kicks 4 goals, and while Cam Guthrie goes to another level in the Cats’ midfield in 2020, I’m now of the belief that he may not even be the best Guthrie brother.

Zach Guthrie, who had been an emergency for the Cats 8 times in 9 games this year, came in for his first game since Round 1, and in his 19th game, kicked one of the more unique first career goals you’ll see.

An inside out barrel from 60m out that cleared everyone’s heads and bounced through.

What a teammate Rhys Stanley is, clearing out Todd Goldstein so he couldn’t even get a finger on the ball.

Lachie Hosie kicked 2 goals on debut for the Roos, but considering Zach kicked another goal in the last quarter, were they even the best first 2 goals kicked by a player in this game?


Melbourne 13.10-88 defeated Adelaide 5.7-37 at the Adelaide Oval

Melbourne’s 4th Quarter 7.4-46 defeated Adelaide 5.7-37

Solid effort by Melbourne, after getting absolutely SLAMMED by their own chairman, to get themselves back to a perfectly even 100% by reversing the thumping Port Adelaide gave them.

No wonder Jake Melksham missed that last shot at goal…. He wanted perfect balance in the universe.

Still, the Dees did the same classic Demon things we love them for, like Aaron Vandenberg becoming the latest dickhead to give away a needless free kick Inside 50, which cost the Demons a shot at goal from in front on the Quarter Time siren, and Alex Neal-Bullen made the fatal mistake of being a fringe player who committed a sling tackle (On Will Hamill), rubbing him out for 4 games, and with the way the Dees tried defending it at the tribunal, it’s pretty much career over for Alex.

The difference was that this time those acts were balanced out by some individual brilliance from Clayton Oliver, who racked up the fabled SuperCoach double century score, with a similar performance to Dizzy’s double century against Bangladesh.

34 disposals, 22 of them contested, 12 clearances and a goal, and he actually had a 1:1 kick to handball ratio, which is unheard of for a bloke who apparently handballs in his sleep.

Meantime, the Crows are reaching levels of on-field despair not seen by a South Australian team since Port Adelaide in the heady days of the Football Park tarpaulins in 2011.

If a team like Melbourne, who were a No.1 candidate on many people’s lists of teams who might lose to the Crows, can put them away with consummate ease, you really start to think if the Crowies can pull off the first fabled imperfect season since Fitzroy in 1964.

If/when the Matthew Nicks Crows finally win a game, there’s going to be so many players that need a Gatorade shower to celebrate their first win, that they won’t actually have enough players to form a circle for the song.


Collingwood 6.14-50 defeated Sydney Swans 6.5-41 at the Gabba

Horrible kicking at goal, shitloads of injuries…

Yep, it was a Collingwood game.

For a low-scoring game that was horrid at times, there were a boatload of talking points.

First up, Josh Daicos, in sealing the game, did something that his dad used to do for fun, and brought back the Macedonian Marvel after some 27 years of waiting.

Next, there was Pies debutant Trey Ruscoe and his Mum having the FaceTime chat of the year as he dropped the news he was playing.

Ruscoe kicked his first and Collingwood’s first goal after a mind-numbing goalless opening quarter, and the hilarious part was Fiona missed it because she went out “For a quick durrie.”

Like any good parent, she would’ve been giving him a bake when he missed that open goal in the 4th Quarter that would’ve just about put the Swans away.

Next up, there was Tom Papley making you think ‘You know, Clarko may have had a point.”

Matthew Mitcham, eat your heart out

Considering the ramming the Swans copped from the whistle-blowers, that’s how desperate they got just to get a free kick.

Still, the Karma Bus ran Paps over, because he missed, he got fined for staging, and he got the Shooting Stars treatment.

Sucked in Tommy.

And the final big one, the illegal studs on Swans’ debutant Sam Wicks that carved Isaac Quaynor’s shin open like a Christmas roast.

I’ve seen the photo of that 16-21cm gash, you probably have, and to be honest, it was so gruesome you could’ve done a compare the pair with that guy who had “chunks” taken out his leg by a white pointer at Bunker Bay.

It turned out, the Nike boots Wicks was wearing had a hybrid soleplate made of plastic and aluminium, which breached AFL regulation 4.6 and metal stops being prohibited.

Despite a rule actually being broken and a fine being possible, the AFL didn’t bother fining the Swans, because they hadn’t bothered actually policing the rule, to the extent that there were at least dozens of other layers wearing the same type of hybrid boot.

Classic AFL – Show complete negligence until someone gets seriously hurt.

Still, wasn’t it funny that the stretcher had to come out, which helped slow the Swans down, which they ironically had go their way at the Gabba in 2016, when they got the stretcher out for Callum Sinclair when the Lions were all over them late in the game.


St Kilda 12.6-78 defeated Gold Coast 11.8-74 at Metricon Stadium

In game which saw A Clash Of Kings, it was The Butler Who Did It.

4 match-winning goals to Dan ‘The’ Butler, countering out everything Ben King (Who kicked 3 goals) and Izak Rankine did, like sitting on Jack Steele’s head, intercepting a handball and streaking in to kick a goal late in the 3rd Term to get the Suns going once again.

There seems to be one advantage about this one-off week-by-week fixture style in 2020 – Getting actually entertaining teams in prime time slots, so we could get contests like this.

Fantastic game of footy between two teams who have made a habit of playing close contests, even though they’ve been no better than crap for the past decade.

Case in point – The last 4 games between the Saints and Suns have been decided by under a kick, with the Saints somehow winning them all, the longest streak of it’s kind since the fabled rivalry of West Coast vs Sydney between 2005-07, which had 6 games in a row decided by fewer than 6 points.

Obviously the Eagles and Swans were playing for a little bit more than these teams, but still, that’s a solid level to reach.

You did have to feel for Stewie Dew after the game…. He looked like he’d shed a tear.


GWS 8.11-59 defeated Essendon 8.7-55 at Metricon Stadium

Always love a completely non-eventful Friday night, in which absolutely nothing controversial happens.

TIME FOR ANOTHER SHOOTING STARS VIDEO!

Pfft, it wasn’t even the best bit of acting by a player from a Sydney-based team this week.

If Ward gets a $500 fine like Papley did (Which he probably won’t), all you can say is that it was absolutely worth it, considering it was the goal that sealed a vital 4 points.

What a night for the Dons – In 3 quarters, they kicked all of 2 goals, including that ripping goalless opening quarter for both teams, which turned into the lowest-scoring opening quarter in 59 years.

In the 2nd Quarter, they kicked 6 goals to 2, a quarter that randomly produced half the goals all night..

They also blew a 29 point lead and became the 4th team this year to blow a 3/4 time lead, which was funny.

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