Cricket

Tweets That Aged Poorly: Barmy Army Ashes Edition

Well, it’s January 18, let’s find out how this piece of dreaming went:

And then they turned off the PlayStation and went to the pub

Good lord, even Keith Richards has aged better than that Tweet, because look how the next 3 months turned out for the dear old soap dodgers:

Part 1: England, the No.1 T20 team in the world and the undisputed favourites for the T20 World Cup, give up 57 runs in the final 3 overs against New Zealand to lose an epic Semi Final, with the Kiwis getting a small deal of revenge for the 2019 World Cup Final, and Australia, the very country that made the entire world suffer by making them watch the Big Bash League, went on to win the tournament despite getting utterly demolished by England in the group stage.

That stunning defeat was followed by a dreaded Ashes tour of Australia, which historians have now described as the worst tour of Australia since Frank Sinatra in 1974.

Part 2: The 1st Ashes Test in Brisbane was as good as over when Mitchell Starc did this to Rory Burns first ball of the damn series:

Then, when England looked like they were getting back into the match thanks to Joe Root and Dawid Malan, both batters fell short of a ton, and the tourists collapsed and lost 8-74 to begin Day 4, which meant Australia had to chase a mere 20 to win and go 1-0 up, which they achieved with ease.

In addition, England lost 8 World Test Championship points as a punishment for slow over rates.

Part 3: England get smashed in the 2nd Test in Adelaide, even as Australian captain Pat Cummins had to isolate due to being in the vicinity of a COVID positive Croweater while eating out, and to add insult to injury for the tourists, Joe Root was declared sterile thanks to a hit to the gonads from Starc:

“Mister, there’s a cherry in my plumbs!”

Part 4: The Ashes remain in Australia as England lose the Boxing Day Test by an innings inside 2.5 days, getting bowled out for 68 in their 2nd Innings, their worst Test score in Australia since 1904, as some random tubby Victorian named Scott Boland, on debut, turns into the second coming of Merv Hughes and takes 6 wickets for 7 runs in just 4 overs in the 2nd Innings.

In fact, Boland’s strike rate of 4.0 is the 2nd-best in the historic of Test cricket, and the best by a bowler since overs were universally reduced to 6 balls in 1980.

Additional fact, maligned opener Marcus Harris, who exists on the basis that he’ll get dropped at any given moment, outscored England’s 2nd Innings.

Part 5: Thanks to some typical Sydney January rain to piss around with things, England escape Sydney with a heroic draw thanks to some resolute batting from Zak Crawley, an injured Ben Stokes, Jack Leach and James Anderson (In his final match in Australia) on the final day, in a Test that came down to the last ball of Day 5, ending Australia’s dreams of a third 5-0 Ashes whitewash in 15 years, which is as good as a win for English fans.

Usman Khawaja scored more centuries in this Test than England did in the entire series

Still, a real positive for England in Sydney was that Jonny Bairstow came back into the XI and scored a magnificent 138, the only century by an Englishman in the entire series….

Only to be sidelined due to a cracked right thumb sustained from a Pat Cummins bouncer in the process of making that century, with Jos Buttler also in the broken digit club after breaking his finger during a simple wicket keeping incident in Sydney, forcing the tourists to send an SOS to Sam Billings, who was 90 minutes away from leaving Australia after finishing his stint with the Sydney Thunder in the Big Bash.

Instead, Billings drove 9 hours in a rental from the Gold Coast to Sydney to link up with the team travelling to Hobart, destined to become the 700th poor bastard to play Test cricket for England.

And finally, Part 6: In the first Ashes Test to be played in god-forsaken Tasmania, England reduce Australia to 3-12 inside the opening 10 overs on the greenest deck since Kermit the Frog’s skin, only for Travis Head and Cameron Green to lead the Aussies to 302, and following a stock standard English response of 188, the tourists produce their best bowling performance of the series in Australia’s 2nd Innings to skittle the hosts for 155, with Mark Wood taking a career-best 6-37, leaving England to chase a reasonable target of 271 to end the tour on a major positive.

In further cause for optimism, England looked a realistic chance of claiming their first Test victory in Australia in 11 years during the 4th Innings, as Zak Crawley and Rory Burns raced away to a start of 0/68 in 16 overs, which represented England’s best opening partnership in a Test match since 2018….

However, 3 wickets to Cameron Green in the space of 6 overs on Sunday evening, combined with the temptation of a round of golf and a day on the grog proving too much to overcome, England lost a grand total of 10/56 to get bowled out for a piss poor 124, with the series finishing before stumps on Day 3, completing England’s status as one of the worst touring teams to visit Australia in living memory.

It was also Australia’s 150th Test victory against England

Talk about irony, England finally get a decent opening partnership, and they promptly collapse harder than Ansett Australia.

So in conclusion, let’s see the final tally:

T20 World Cup = Crumbled at the penultimate hurdle against a bunch of sheep shaggers who seemingly never get taken seriously, despite being World Test champions

The Ashes = Well, England came to Australia 4-nothing.

In fact, in a stat to sum up England’s recent ineptitude, they arrived in Australia on 14 points in the World Test Championship.

They left with 10.

To put it simply, England would quite literally have been better off in the WTC if they’d jumped on a plane before the 1st Test, and forfeited the Ashes 5-0 to Australia.

Oh well, cheer up England fans, at least Emma Raducanu hasn’t been knocked out of the Australian Open yet.

Categories: Cricket

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