If this was Pee-Wee Herman’s Playhouse, the secret word of the day would be:

THIRD.

I remember watching a footy documentary from the mid-1990s which had Rex Hunt delivering a classic line, which sort of sums up my performance today:

“Fair dinkum, if it was raining bikini clad women here today, Richmond would get washed down the tube with a truck driver.”

Welp, time to sort out this latest hodgepodge.

Flemington Race 2, No.3 Jumbo Ozaki

Mentions of Jumbo Ozaki on Saturday morning attracted the interests of the Japanese on Twitter, who were surprised, yet delighted, to see their national hero going around in a horse race at some weird joint called “Flemington”, especially after his golfing career wound down in the late 1990s.

But they would’ve recoiled in horror like most Aussies at what they saw in the race, as John Allen sat 3rd on the fence behind the leaders, and didn’t even think of a plan B if he couldn’t get a saloon door opening in the straight.

Allen wasn’t able to get off heels until the 200m, which cost him well over a length as Outrageous, fresh off the ‘Ultimate Gear Change’, won his second career race, with Jumbo flashing home to run 3rd.

Regardless of the result, Phil Stokes did say the gelding was done until the spring.. hopefully by which point they can get the actual Jumbo Ozaki to ride him.

Flemington Race 3 No.2 Talented

1200m Group 3 Thoroughbred Breeders Stakes- 3rd

Talented by name, a tease by nature.

After copping a few bumps at the start, Luke Currie had to settle at the rear, and she never really traveled like she was going to win, before finishing off well enough to grab 3rd when it was all over, just to piss me off.

The finish was a thrilling dead heat between Flit and Ready Set Sail, as James Cummings chalked up another 2YO winner… even it was only a half-win.

I said I should’ve learned my lesson not to bet in 2-year-old races, and if you don’t think this latest defeat is going to teach me yet another lesson, you’d be absolutely correct.

Ascot Race 3- Quinella on 1 (Express Flirt) & 3 (Rebel Knight)

1600m- 2nd and….. wait for it…. 3rd

This was pretty much the epitome of my day.

Pike had Express Flirt travelling in the one-one position (To use a trotting parlance), while Mitch Pateman had Rebel Knight midfield with room to work out and unleash his finishing burst.

It was actually looking alright the 100m, as Express Flirt was engaged in a battle for the lead with the Parnham horse Yeah Bravo (Chris for his dad Neville), and Rebel Knight was flying home, but it was Yeah Bravo who handed me what I call the ‘Waterford TAB Quinella’, when you finish 2nd and 3rd.

Damn you Chris, I hope you step on a Lego and it annoys you for 5 seconds.

Flemington Race 8, No.11 Alizee

1600m All Star Mile (3rd)

I stuck with Alizee given she had the winning form on the board.

A tardy getaway left the Godolphin mare back with the rabble like Urban Ruler, but full credit to Hugh Bowman, who timed his run in the straight pretty darn well and found the right gaps to shoot Alizee into the lead at the 300, but the only problem was there was another good one travelling to the right of him, and that was the star filly Mystic Journey, who despite travelling wide the entire race, still managed to deliver another Flemington arse-kicking, this time taking home a lazy $2.25 million in the process.

In the end, Alizee’s stablemate Hartnell pipped her right on the line for 2nd.

The result was probably a big win for Racing Victoria and the ‘image’ of the All-Star Mile- A bunch of plucky Tasmanians beating an evil racing empire is something that Australians can get behind.

🤪🤪Crazy Craig’s Lay Of The Day That Always Wins🤪🤪

Rosehill Race 8 No.3 Fifty Stars

Group 2 Ajax Stakes – WINNER

I might change this is to ‘Craig’s Bet Of The Day’, because if he wasn’t crazy and tried laying these horses, he’d be a better joke tipster than me.

Funnily enough, Fifty Stars did drift from about $2.40 $3 at the jump on fixed odds, so was it possible that people took the Crazy Bairnsdale native seriously?

Anyways, he must have been licking his lips when it looked like the Hayes- trained gelding wasn’t going to be able to catch Mask of Time and Dyslexic (Or as I call him Lysdexic) at the 200m, but then Jye McNeil pulled him out of the Rosehill swamp, and won like a favourite should to maintain his unbeaten record in the slop.

Remember, if you need Crazy Craig to back against your horse in an effort to reverse their form, let me know and I’ll tell him a lie.

USUALLY ON ST PATRICK’S DAY YOU HAVE THE LUCK OF THE IRISH… WELL, I HAD THE LUCK OF THE WELSH.