Collingwood (15.18-108) defeated Port Adelaide (10.9-69) @ Marvel Stadium

During the week, Collingwood introduced us to 5-year-old Kyron Maguire, a diehard Pies fan with an inoperable brain tumour, who flew from Perth to Melbourne to meet his heroes, namely Adam Treloar, and had the time of his life- Running through the banner, watching his beloved Magpies belt the fake Magpies, and then getting chaired off after the game, and singing the song with the team after the game.

Now that’s wholesome.

Just to top things off for young Kyron, on behalf of the Pies players, they made sure he can go back to Perth with his family and say that now and forever, he kicked as many goals as the Power in the 1st quarter.

Wherever Rex Hunt was in the universe at 8:20pm AEST on Friday evening, the Fat Lady was alongside him, warming her vocal chords.

It was also good to see the Collingwood cheersquad get around my history lesson that Port wore the turkish delights before they started wearing the prison bars, which they probably won’t get to wear again, based on this performance.

Melbourne (11.13-79) defeated Hawthorn (11.8-74) @ The MCG

Christian Petracca nearly drowning during an underwater exercise is a metaphor for Melbourne’s season, and it was a good metaphor on their performance yesterday- They nearly drowned (The 1st Quarter), but were eventually rescued and recovered (The rest of the game), with the lifesaver role being played by James Harmes.

While people may have seen this game a scrappy thriller that you couldn’t turn your eyes from, all I saw was two teams sailing towards a maelstrom of suckage.

At the end of the day, Melbourne just sucked less.

One incident really summed up the game for Hawthorn after quarter time- It came in the 3rd quarter, when Ben Stratton (I though it was Jarman Impey for some reason) was ready to take a simple intercept mark, only for Big Boy McEvoy to come lumbering in and spoil him, and the ball fell into the lap of Alex Neal-Bullen, who pissed himself laughing and kicked a goal.

The Dees won the game by 5 points. Do the math.

That Top 3 pick is going to be a huge asset going into the future…until it ends up at GWS in exchange for some useless midfielder during the Trade Period.

GWS (18.6-114) defeated St Kilda (10.10-70) @ Manuka Oval

The Inside 50 count for the game was 62-42.

Considering I’m bringing this up, you probably guessed by now which of the teams was on 62, because they lost. comfortably.

It reminds me of when the Giants played the Bulldogs back in 2017, and lost the Inside 50 count 65-34.

The Giants won that game by 48 points, and Toby Greene kicked Luke Dalhaus in the face- That was kewl.

Even without Josh Kelly and Lachie Whitfield sending low bullets his way, Jeremy Cameron absolutely dominated yet again, kicking 6 goals to extend his lead over Daylight in the Coleman Medal race- 30 goals after 7 games, and he’s kicked at least 3 goals in every game.

Jezza is half a chance of reaching the fabled ‘c-word’, until July comes around and he gets rubbed out for 5 weeks when a key defender runs into his elbow.

On a funny note, Shane Mumford ended up conceding 9 free kicks, the most by a player in a game since 1997.

Mummy was just trying to give away a free kick for every snag he ate on Saturday evening.. so he fell about 16 short.

Brisbane Lions (14.19-103) defeated Sydney Swans (12.9-81) @ The Gabba

Brother Fizzlefits reads a passage from The Faganism Bible: Chapter 7, Verse 7

It was only fitting that a drought ended in the driving rain.

When Brisbane last defeated Sydney, way back in August 2009, Daniel Rich won the Rising Star, and Kevin Rudd was busy informing us about detailed programmatic specificity and getting “Rat***ked” by the Chinese.

Well, five Prime Ministers later, Daniel Rich is still there, and the Lions have finally beaten the Swans!

And by some divine miracle, I tipped the margin!

I will now provide you with the Lotto numbers:

You lost.

If you conveniently take out the parts of the 2nd quarter where Sydney somehow came back and took the lead, Brisbane always looked like the better team, largely due to the sheer weight of possession.

When you look at that, the Swans had 21 scores from 40 entries, which combined with Brisbane’s shonky goalkicking, definitely saved them from a bad loss.

Start looking ahead to plucking that star from the Academy, Swannies!

Western Bulldogs (15.9-99) defeated Richmond (7.10-52) @ Marvel Stadium

The Bulldogs take out the Jordan McMahon Cup

What do Richmond and a computer virus have in common?

They both get destroyed by Naughton.

It sounds funnier when you think it out loud.

With Jack Riewoldt missing and Tom Lynch getting treated like Ned Beatty’s character from Deliverance, Richmond got washed down the tubes with a truck driver after quarter time.

Before I blabber on about how good Aaron Naughton is, Marcus Bontempelli once again- As James Brayshaw liked to remind us, he’s polled 3 best on grounds in his last 4 games against the Tigers, and after his effort of 27 disposals, 9 marks and 3 goals, he’s half a chance of making that 4/5.

By default, Aaron Naughton could be the greatest player to ever come out of Peel Thunder, and he’s facing some pretty formidable competition- Farren Ray, Hayden Ballantyne and Daniel Wells.

A true Cox Plate field.

The Astro-Naught turned the game on a one cent piece in the 2nd quarter, kicking 3 goals in 8 minutes, on the way to kicking 5 goals, and racked up 14 marks- 9 of them contested, which is apparently one short of Wayne Carey’s record in a game.

Dimma stated after the game that even Jesus Christ would’ve struggled playing on Naughton, and I have to agree with him on this one, because the records show that Christ was an awful defender who got sent into retirement by the Roman full-forwards, who easily overpowered him in every contest and nailed him to a cross.

4 wins out of their last 5 games against Richmond, and the only loss by 3 points- The Bulldogs have picked up a bitch!

West Coast (11.14-80) defeated Gold Coast (8.9-57) @ Optus Stadium

This was a game of football, that took place over an evening, and was won by a team with Coast in their name.

That’s all I can say.

North Melbourne (18.12-120) defeated Carlton (8.14-62) @ Marvel Stadium

It was billed up as a battle of the lightweights, and it was the team in navy blue who proved themselves so light, they could ride a favourite in the Melbourne Cup.

There was another blast from the past at Princes Park, when the Diesel himself, Greg Williams, answered a call from Patrick Cripps to give him some assistance.

Diesel probably thought he was going there to play alongside Crippa, and given he’s a 2-time Brownlow Medalist, a Norm Smith Medalist, a member of the VFL/AFL Team of the Century, and a 55-year-old who’s been retired since 1997, he’d slot straight in to the Blues’ midfield.

And based on this afternoon, the Blues probably should’ve taken up that option.

It takes a really special performance to play North Melbourne into form, but Carlton are a club capable of extraordinary feats, like winning 16 premierships in 100 years, followed by 5 wooden spoons in 16 years.

The Blues’ performance was as ugly as the head clash that KO’ed Liam Jones… really, really ugly. Fortunately, Liam has been cleared of a head or neck injury.

Apparently Cam Zurhaar has now set some kind of record for the least alphabetical 5 goal haul in league history. Well done, Cam’s parents!

Geelong (13.8-86) defeated Essendon (7.12-54) @ The MCG

I always knew that Nathan was the fairest and cleanest player of the Ablett family, and this act of thuggery from Gaz confirms it.

I’d like to nominate Patrick Dangerfield for the prestigious ‘Lol Of The Year’, for giving up an easy 14 Supercoach points…. and 6 points for the Cats.

Other than that, it went okay for Geelong.

The tale of the tape was efficiency- At least in the 1st Quarter, the Bombers absolutely dominated general play, but the Cats, with approximately 7 Inside 50s in half-an-hour, kicked 4 goals straight to lead by 3 points, and after Mitch Duncan’s late goal, they never trailed again, and never allowed the vaunted Run ‘N Gun style of the Dons to get going.

It may surprise you, but Geelong had 3 fewer I50s for the game.

The defensive performance of the Cats was best summed up by Tom Stewart, who celebrated game 50 and the Country Game occasion by pigrooting Joe Daniher for 150 minutes, to the point that nobody in the crowd recognised who that tall derpy looking fella wearing #6 in red and black was.

10 goals last week, 7 this week- Have the Bombers considered outsourcing their forward line to India?

Adelaide (7.9-51) defeated Fremantle (5.4-34) @ The Adelaide Oval

Another tough game of rugby football in the City of Churches.

If Ross Lyon wasn’t at half mast looking at that scoreboard, my name isn’t JT.

I felt that the Dockers really controlled the game during the first half through their physical play in the scrums, while their star fly-half Nathan Fyfe was setting up the attacks with scrumhalf David Mundy, to limited effect, as his passes were repeatedly knocked on by Cameron ‘Dardy’ McCarthy.

Jesse Hogan was contained by the staunch Crows defense, akin to the Springboks covering Jonah Lomu in the 1995 World Cup Final.

But eventually, the Fremantle defensive wall which had held the wayward Crows was brought undone, when the hosts kicked 3 tries in 10 minutes prior to the 60th minute, with the referees punishing the Dockers repeatedly for foul play in the tackles, to the detriment of their fans.

After attacking hard in the final period, the Dockers were brought done by a silly penalty against Darcy Tucker following a kick out of bounds, giving Alex Keath an easy penalty goal, the first of his career, followed by the diminutive Crows forward Edward Betts kicking a freakish try in the dying minutes.

Alex Pearce= Stud.