The AFL Review: Round 8, 2019

Dane Rampe assaults an innocent padding (Channel 7)

After two months of campaigning like a campaigner on the AFL Reddit, Fletcher Roberts finally came in as a late inclusion to the Bulldogs team on Saturday afternoon to play his 50th game.

Now, to begin my next campaign- Get Fletcher Roberts to 51 games!

Sydney Swans (11.11-77) defeated Essendon (10.12-72) @ The SCG

Things are so bad at the Swans that they’re having to use a ‘RoboHorse’ to get people to turn up to games now.

Classic Sydney sports fans.

Much of the 1st half was spent with the return of Basil to the commentary box, and his immediate culture shock of referring to Orazio Fantasia by his correct pronunciation of ‘Fanta-Sia’.

I thought for so long he was a mystical forward, instead he’s nothing more than the mix of an orange soft drink and a disguised pop star from Adelaide.

That discovery distracted me from the fact that Essendon were about to lose to the last placed team in the league in Round for the second consecutive season.

A few weeks ago, Colin O’Riordan came into the Swans team to play Adelaide, gave away a 100m penalty and got dropped.

On Friday, he was on the receiving end of a 100m penalty, and ended up kicking his first AFL goal as a result.

It was interesting to see the duel between O’Riordan of County Tipperary versus Conor McKenna of County Tyrone, which Bruce pointed out was the latest conflict between Ireland and Northern Ireland.

Yes Bruce, the Irish have had their troubles.

Of course, after Essendon frittered away the game by kicking 2.6 in the final term, the last epic moment came when David Myers marked 65m out from goal on the siren.

It was during the Hail Mary that Dane Rampe committed assault against the goal post, which Jimmy Bartel noted under Law 17.11 should’ve resulted in a gimme goal to the Bombers, in effect, handing them the game and causing the biggest umpiring shitstorm of the season.

Man humps padding.
Laws of Australian Football 2019

Instead of calling Rampe for a free kick, the umpire told him to get down. Gil described it as a “Practical decision”, since he wasn’t ‘intentionally’ shaking the post and Myers’ kick fell a good 15m short.

And I haven’t even mentioned Dane telling the umpire he “Talked like a girl”.

As Hank Hill would say, that boy ain’t right.

Regardless, the result was in the book, and Essendon didn’t even wait until their annual loss to Carlton to lose to the team in 18th, continuing their ‘Lol’ worthy form against last-placed teams.

Fanta-Sia you in 2020, ‘Bombres’!

Western Bulldogs (13.14-92) defeated Brisbane Lions (11.10-76) @ Mars Stadium, Ballarat

Before the game, the Ballarat weather caused Tim English to perish due to hypothermia.

A bit strange that a man named ‘English’ would struggle with cold temperatures.

But to my delight, into his place for game number 50… FLETCHER ROBERTS!

The 1st half mostly belong to Brisbane, but mainly thanks to Eric Hipwood’s 5 behinds, the Lions never had any major scoreboard pressure on the Dogs, who managed to kick themselves into a half-time lead after Aaron the Astro-Naught took flight.

Naughton finished with 15 disposals, 7 marks and 3.2- The best performance by an astronaut on the surface of Mars since Matt Damon in 2015.

It’d be remiss of me to forget how good Josh Dunkley (You read that correctly) was in the midfield- 36 disposals (24 contested), and a goal before 3/4 time, which was a body blow to the Lions.

Fletcher Roberts hurt his left shoulder in the 2nd term, but was it any coincidence that when he came back on after the half, the Dogs got a huge rise and powered away to an inspiring victory?

That was pretty much it- The Dogs were inspired by their milestone man.

After a tough defeat such as Saturday, Lions fans can confide in the Good Book- Captainfizzlefits’ Faganism Bible, Chapter 8, Verse 8.

Collingwood (16.10-106) defeated Carlton (13.9-87) @ The MCG

In accordance with the Richard Pratt Cup, Carlton’s banner warned all male Australians about the importance of getting your ‘prostrate’ checked.

Twitter: Carlton Cheersquad

I bet they didn’t expect that two-and-a-half hour prostate exam from the umpires.

Anyway, it was far better than Collingwood’s usual effort, which was some crap about clearing the aisles for Blues fans at 3/4 time.

That was almost the biggest backfire since the Pies included “Oh the premiership’s a cakewalk” in the club song.

As if the festivities didn’t get any funnier, a bird found its way into the Collingwood coaching box.

It was like another 12th Man scene had become reality, as Wendy Junior Junior then had her neck snapped by Nathan Buckley.

With the heroes of 1979 standing in the spot where Wayne Harmes belted the ball into the path of Ken Sheldon, the Baby Blues took it up to the fancied Pies (I’m talking $1.08 plays $8.50 fancy), and managed to twice break out to 10+ point leads and have the black & whites filling their dacks.

And Tom Phillips, who was probably the best Pie on the field not named Adam Treloar, became the latest player to achieve the ‘100 metre penalty’ by not staying behind David Cunningham, turning a halfback mark to an easy goal.

The only 2 players I can remember achieving the ‘150’ are Fraser Gehrig and Barry Hall.. One day we’ll get there again.

The big “What if?” came when Patrick Cripps had a snap on goal which could’ve put the Blues up by 16 points with 8 minutes to go.

He missed, Jack Crisp got a 50m penalty and then launched a long bomb from the centre square and goaled (Which was probably touched by Jamie Elliott), and Collingwood honoured a game about prostate cancer by pulling their fingers out of their arses and kicking 4 more goals to win.

Anyway, the frees finished 24-8 in favour of Collingwood, with Blues fans quick to point out several missed calls, like Ben Reid smashing Lachie Plowman front-on with 3 minutes to go, resulting in De Goey’s goal to put the Pies 7 points up.

You know what it was? A CONSPIRACY by the AFL to revive interest in the Carlton-Collingwood rivalry.

Melbourne (8.13-61) defeated Gold Coast (9.6-60) @ Metricon Stadium

That is the Melbournest way for Melbourne to win a game.

Hore kicks a goal with 20 seconds to go and the scores are tied, the Demons win the clearance, Harmes shanks a kick at goal which falls to McDonald 10m out, who drops the mark, fumbles the pick-up, and then kicks the winning score straight into the post with a second to go.

All that, after not even 30 seconds earlier being down by a goal and a 95% chance of losing.

I always suspected that a 6-6-6 rule would somehow favour the ‘Demons’.

Yet more proof that Steve Hocking is the Antichrist.

West Coast (12.16-88) defeated St Kilda (10.10-70) @ Marvel Stadium

Typical whinging Saints supporter, all 1430 losses in their history are because of bad umpiring.

Despite being stuck in a hotel lift before the game, the Eagles always had more ‘class’, and kicked 4 consecutive goals before 3/4 time, starting to look like a team that won a Grand Final.

Although, up until Jack Darling’s goal in the final seconds, the Eagles kicked 8 consecutive behinds in the final quarter.

Yes, 8 behinds.

Now, you may look at that as crap goalkicking, but I see it as kicking enough behinds to ensure that the Saints had to kick an extra 2 goals to have any sniff of winning.

The Saints were within 12 points with a minute to go- Without those behinds, it would’ve been 4 points the margin and the Saints right in the game.

The good news for St Kilda is that Collingwood played Carlton, so the Saints are certainties to benefit from the ‘Carlton Curse’ next Saturday.

Adelaide (13.10-88) defeated Port Adelaide (9.14-68) in Showdown XLVI @ The Adelaide Oval

Showdown Medalist: Alex Keath

Damien Barrett thinks moving a Showdown to the MCG on a Friday night in the future is a good idea.

Then again, someone thinks Damo writing the ‘Sliding Doors’ articles is a good idea.

Last week, Port didn’t kick a goal in the 1st quarter against Collingwood, and in the Showdown, they decided not to kick any up to 3/4 time, and then try and win the game in the final quarter when the Crows shot out to a 44 point lead.

Didn’t quite work out, although those 5 consecutive goals brought life into the game for at least 10 minutes.

To state the bleeding obvious, the Crows’ backline won them the game, smashing Port’s forwards like they were trying to enjoy a drink with them at the Ramsgate.

Daniel Talia spoiled everything in sight, Rory ‘The Deskman’ Laird racked up 31 disposals off halfback, and the player rightfully recognised as the Showdown Medalist was Alex Keath, joining Talia in killing off every contest in sight, and recording 26 disposals and 5 marks.

Tom Lynch, who was also impressive up forward with 20 disposals and 3 goals, said that the Showdown was a “Game within a contest”.

It sure was Tom. It Sure Was.

Sitting in 3rd and holding the 1st Pick in the Draft- Everything’s coming up Crowies!

Chris Scott (16.8-104) defeated Brad Scott (11.14-80) @ Marvel Stadium

Gary Ablett gets off one elbow to the head, and what does he do?

He does it again!

GIF: Chadwiko, Footage: Fox Footy

I suppose you can say…

It was strikingly similar.

There was only one guarantee in the Scott Bowl, and that was that a Scott-coached team would win the game.

That, and Geelong would win.

But credit to North for actually making the Cats work for it- The margin halfway into in the 3rd quarter was 34 points and looking like an easy win to the ladder leaders, but North dug deep and pegged it back to 10 points, largely thanks to Ben Brown booting 3 goals.

The Cats answered and kicked 3 consecutive goals, which was the theme of the afternoon- Whenever North challenged, the Cats always found another gear.

It happened again in the final quarter- North sprayed the goals and got within 12 points with a few minutes to go, and then Gazza showed up and kicked two more goals to dust them off.

Look on the bright side Roos fans- You can still spam the crab dance!

Hawthorn (10.11-71) defeated GWS (5.8-38) @ The MCG

There so few fans at the MCG that I could hear the only Giants fan in the crowd booing Tom Scully on the effects mic.

Rough getting dropped to Box Hill for “Poor form” was all a lie for the plebeians- Clarko is just trying to boost the Mustangs’ premiership defence.

And it didn’t quite work, because Box Hill ended up drawing with Footscray 12.12-84 apiece, as Rough kicked 5.1 from 17 disposals, and coached young Bulldog Reuben William in his spare time.

Clarko’s gameplan for the Giants was like the Christian version of Brokeback Mountain- Absolutely no man on man, and just keep the ball away from them at all times.

It worked.

The Hawks simply clogged up the Giants’ attack, dismantling the highest scoring team in the league to the point that they lost the will to live.

The Orange Soviets didn’t kick a goal between the 23 minute mark of the 2nd quarter and the final siren, with Finlayson’s goal after the siren making sure they didn’t go goalless in the 2nd half.

Case in point of the gameplan- In the opening 10 minutes of the final quarter, the Hawks racked up 34 marks.

The Giants had none.

The final quarter tally was 64-16 the way of the Hawks, if I did the math right… either way, it was a lot of marks.

As has happened in every game, a Jeremy kicked 3 goals for the Giants- Although it was Jeremy Finlayson, as Jeremy Cameron kicked 4 behinds and, in a summary of his afternoon, was shoved into the fence by James Frawley- Who was reported.

It’s a weird quirk of history- The Giants have never beaten Hawthorn away, and Hawthorn have never beaten the Giants away- It was also Alastair Clarkson’s first win against Leon Cameron.

Richmond (17.9-111) defeated Fremantle (12.14-86) @ Optus Stadium

If I hear ‘Richmond’ and ‘Brave’ one more time today, I’m going to scream!

“Richmond have been brave with all their injuries”

Fremantle are like the carriage from Cinderella, slowly turning back into a pumpkin after their time at the ball.

As is tradition.

Also, how about this goal from Jason Can’t-Stand-Ya.

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