AFL

The AFL Review: Round 10, 2019

Brad Scott prepares to live out every man’s fantasy.

On Friday night, the leader of an embattled team realised that the writing was on the wall, and decided to step down in the best interests of everyone.

It was a tough decision, but farewell, Theresa May.


Collingwood (11.14-80) defeated Sydney (11.6-72) @ The SCG

The big thing I learned from this game from Brian Taylor, is that Majak Daw has come back from his bridge accident earlier than expected, moved to Sydney, and assumed the identity of Aliir Aliir.

That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen since Fairfax thought Liam Ryan was Willie Rioli.

I was half-expecting Bristle to announce that Chris Scott had stood down as coach of North Melbourne.

Daniel Wells came back for his annual appearance in a Collingwood jumper, kicked 3 goals in the first half, then hurt his knee in the 3rd Quarter, and for all we know, may never play again.

On the flip side of the ‘No-luck with injuries’ coin, the Reid brothers went toe to toe all night, and managed to get through without simultaneously suffering season ending injuries, and Sam ended up giving the Pies a ball-tearing, racking up 15 disposals, 9 marks, and a perfect 6 goals without a miss, right on par with Adam Curley’s prediction from the AFL website preview.

If it wasn’t Sam who was best afield, it was Brodie Grundy, who treated Callum Sinclair like fresh toilet paper, with 18 disposals and 69 hitouts, although it wasn’t until Kennedy and Hewitt went down in the last quarter that the Pies really started to belt the Swans in the middle.

Of course, the classic moment of the night came when Dane Rampe, after effectively shutting down Jaidyn Stephenson, was ‘very willing’ to provide us nuffies with the latest episode of Dane Rampe: Weird Unit, by killing off Sydney’s chances with 2:30 to go, for jumping over the mark by a good 500 metres on a kick Chris Mayne missed comfortably- A 3 point lead turned into 8.

That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen since some guy dry humped a goal post, or when some guy broke his arm after tripping on a chain.


Hawthorn (12.8-80) defeated Port Adelaide (6.13-49) @ University of Tasmania Stadium

It was the epic Guerra-Gilham-Lonie-Dew-Burgoyne-Renouf-Impey-Burton-Wingard Cup, and Port spent the 1st Quarter at the Boag’s Brewery.

Duck eggs in the 1st Quarter.

That’s the 3rd time in the last 4 games that Port have gone goalless in the opening quarter, and in some strange coincidence, they lost all of those games.

It was so bad for Port, that they managed to play Jack Gunston back into form, with 21 disposals and 6 goals.

It’s almost like Jack was an All-Australian last season.

Before the game, it was reported that the Power were bringing delicious Steamed Clams to Tasmania, but instead, Kenny rushed away and brought in something called Steamed Ladhams, despite the fact he was obviously grilled.

Apparently it’s a regional dialect.

On another note, Ricky Henderson is one the best bargain bin buys in recent history, and I’d declare him as the best grey in Australian sport since Chautauqua.

The soon-to-be AA wingman racked up 37 disposals and 11 marks, and apparently caused more forward thrusts than Ron Jeremy and John Holmes put together.

All in all, Ken Hinkley is an odd fellow, but he does steam a good Ladham.


North Melbourne (18.7-115) defeated Western Bulldogs (13.12-90) @ Marvel Stadium

It seemed fitting that the most appropriate way for the Roos to farewell Brad Scott would be to blow a 6 goal lead in the 2nd Half.

But, as the Dogs kicked 6 goals in a row to wipe out a 32 point deficit and lead 10 minutes into the final quarter, North suddenly rose from the dead and kicked 5 goals in the final 20 minutes to send Scotty out a winner, and preserve his 50% win-loss record at the Roos.

It’s amazing how a coach who was slowly sinking for 3 years went out a glorious hero in the span of an afternoon, all thanks to his utter contempt for David King.

God bless you, Bradley.

And you know what the funniest part about this loss is?

Losing to the team sitting 17th, who were effectively giving their coach the arse, is still the second-most embarrassing loss for the Bulldogs this season.

North should re-hire Brad, and then sack him immediately.


West Coast (13.7-85) defeated Adelaide (10.13-73) @ The Adelaide Oval

I thought it was strange that West Coast had to wear their ‘Yellow Peril’ clash jumpers at home, but they made up for it by spotting the Crows a 33-point lead, just to deepen their eventual humiliation.

The Eagles knew in advance that they weren’t able to wear their Indigenous jumpers due to a clash with Adelaide’s technicolour jumper, and somehow people acted shocked and/or surprise.

That isn’t exactly a new occurrence- Just last year, Melbourne wore their Indigenous jumper against Adelaide in Alice Springs, because it clashed with the Western Bulldogs’ design the next week.

Crows fans wouldn’t remember that happened… I wonder why.

The Crows were absolutely on top in the 1st Half, and it looked like a game of kick to kick, slamming on 6 unanswered goals between the 2nd and 3rd Quarters.

The problem was, that at some point, the Crows player at the other end was missing several teeth as he was replaced by Andrew Gaff, and the Eagles ended up soaring back into the game with 5.2 from approximately 8 Inside 50s.

Anyway, the decisive moment came when the scores were tied inside the final 3 minutes, and the Crows got the ball at half-back and kicked it to the wing, where Paul Seedsman was waiting to take the mark, and the TV cameras mysteriously shorted out.

I don’t have a replay of it, but it roughly resembled this.

It started a chain reaction that led to the Eagles kicking 2 goals in the next minute to seal the game.

Simple. preventable. errors.

If you combine Port’s 1st Half with Adelaide’s 2nd Half, you get plenty of laughter.


Richmond (10.13-73) defeated Essendon (6.14-50) @ The MCG

Yiooken Award: Bachar Houli (Richmond)

This edition of the Dreamtime just reminds us that nobody hates Essendon more than Essendon fans.

It was like both teams were playing two different games up to Three-Quarter Time- The Dons were having a literal dreamtime as they went 43 points down and kicked 2 goals to the final break, while Richmond were playing in the ‘Reamtime’ at the ‘G.

Due to the consistent rain, the AFL had to can most of the pre-game festivities, but John Worsfold was more extreme, and canned Essendon’s entire forward line minus Kyle Langford.

Tippa failed to kick a goal, which keeps up that weird record where if he kicks a goal= win, and if he doesn’t= loss.

That missed set shot in the 1st Quarter was telling.

As a result, the Bombers midfield became well-versed in picking out Bachar Houli, who racked 37 disposals, and took home the easiest Yiooken Award he’ll ever win.

That’s also noteworthy because Bachar is right in the middle of Ramadan, and since it began, he’s averaged 34 disposals a game off half-back.

As if losing Dev Smith and Smokin’ Joe wasn’t bad enough, Dylan Shiel and Jake Stringer are the latest Bombers to go down with hamstring injuries, which is surprising, because hamstrings aren’t mechanical components in aircraft.

Richmond won pretty easily, and they ended up letting the Bombers kick enough goals at the end to make sure Worsfold’s coaching got taken out of the spotlight.

Shiel missing, Stringer missing, Smith gone, Daniher gone.

The annual Essendon loss to Carlton is written in the stars.


Geelong (13.13-91) defeated Gold Coast (9.10-64) @ Metricon Stadium

Chris Scott coached his 200th game for Geelong.

It was close for most of the night.

Gary Ablett punched Anthony Miles in the face.

The latest Toolie to assault someone on the Gold Coast

As a result, Gaz was finally exposed as the Devil by Cats fan /u/HeyItsStella.

The End.


GWS (14.10-94) defeated Melbourne (10.8-68) @ The MCG

A truly inspiring 4th Quarter performance by Melbourne, who came home right over the top of Harry Himmelberg in his 150th game, kicking 10.8 to Harry’s 5.2 after trailing by 2 points at Three-Quarter Time.

Other than that, it was another piss poor performance by Melbourne, and this latest effort was so bad, that Jeremy Cameron kicked 3 goals.

The last time Jeremy Cameron had kicked a goal before Sunday afternoon, Tony Abbott was still a member of Federal Parliament.

At one point in the 3rd Quarter, the Giants led by 58 points, and Melbourne had kicked a mere 2 goals for the game.

The Dees kicked 7 goals in the last quarter, which was effectively the same as a teenager trying to clean up and hide the out-of-control party he threw while his parents were out of town.

But for now, let us celebrate another victory, comrades.


St Kilda (9.14-68) defeated Carlton (8.7-55) @ Marvel Stadium

You know, I look at Carlton struggle with the concept of football, and I sit down and think to myself…

Brad Scott has so much to work with when he takes over next week.

How about this for a coincidence- A week after Daisy made the “****ing cheat” comment to the umpire, Carlton got smashed in the free kick count to Half Time, including 11-0 to the Saints in the 2nd Quarter.

And they even had an ex-Saint in Leigh Fisher umpiring.

Those boys in fluorescent yellow have got one hell of a sense of humour.

After seeing this hit by Ben Long on Levi Casboult, The Clash have announced they’ll be re-uniting and releasing another hit record.

Rock The Casboult.

But then again, blaming the umpires is easy enough in a close game, but it kind of becomes a moot point when Carlton’s gameplan after going 2 goals down with 5 minutes to go, is to sit around and scratch their arses at full-back, chipping it around and racking up SuperCoach points, and then turning it over when they went forward.

And a big congratulations to Kade Simpson, who becomes the third player to reach 200 losses after Doug Hawkins and Kevin Murray!


Fremantle (10.13-73) defeated Brisbane Lions (10.12-72) @ Optus Stadium

Since it is still Sir Doug’s Round, this should highlight just how successful Freo have been in including Indigenous players throughout their 25 years in the league.

On that note, it was great to see Brisbane play with what could be best described as fury, clearly showing their frustrations about losing Des Headland to the Dockers back in 2002.

It was also good to see Freo play like they were still furious about Lachie Neale walking out, because it actually made for a good contest.

And then it all came down to OH MY GOD MICHAEL WALTERS HIT THE POST AFTER THE SIREN AND WON IT

After a shattering loss like that, Lions fans need solace and comfort…. in CaptainFizzlefits reading Chapter 10, Verse 10 of the Faganism Bible.

Just like Might & Power in the Caulfield Cup, Sonny Walters made every post a winner.

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