Reporting to you live from the Cottesloe Hotel, from which I may possibly never return- Also, I am posting this on mobile, so apologies if it looks weird.

It really was a tough choice as to what image to put up here; Razor Ray’s hit to the Jatz, or Sonny Walters.

Well, chalk this up as the third contest Sonny’s won by himself in the past week.

North Melbourne (15.9-99) defeated Richmond (9.8-62) @ Marvel Stadium

As a show of devotion to Rhyce Shaw, every North player will shave their head before the game against the Suns, to strike fear into the opposition and begin their inevitable run to flag number five.

Ben Cunnington was ahead of the curve on that one.

Between Cox and Wood (Haha, dick jokes), Tigers fans must be having PTSD playing any team with a Mason in it.

Funnily enough, Richmond’s 4 losses this season all have a familiar theme- A key forward has taken their backline behind the woodshed.

Mason Cox (Technically) in Round 2, Jeremy Cameron & Jeremy Finlayson in Round 3, Aaron Naughton in Round 7, and on Friday night, Big Ben Brown (5.0) and Mason Wood (4.2) took them out the back and left a trail of blood for the cops to follow.

But, forget about Benny Brown Being B.O.G, those of us who did see the game would probably agree that the major highlight of the night was Razor Ray copping a stray ball to the Jatz Crackers.

Like a good trooper, Razor got straight up and cracked a laugh, and raised the finger to send himself back to the pavilion.

Ya geddit? ‘Cause he got hit middle stump.

After a relatively even first half, a goal to Mason Wood just before Half-Time proved huge for North’s momentum- After kicking 2.6 for the term, they came out after the half and destroyed the Tigers, kicking 6 goals without a miss, applying the physical blowtorch around the ground, and to be honest, this should sum up how brutal the 3rd Quarter was for the Tigers.

Adam Sandler taught us all, you don’t mess with the Zurhaar.

Fremantle (11.13-79) defeated Collingwood (11.9-75) @ The MCG

Michael ‘Sonny’ Walters had his head cut open in the warm-up, and when the doctors cleaned up the blood and bandaged his head, do you know what they found?

He bleeds PURPLE.

It does seem fitting that an Indigenous champ in Sonny is the bloke who gets Freo over the line in both of their Indigenous Round games.

Unfortunately for Freo, due to ‘Vic Bias’, the only talking point from the game will be the AFL’s blatant failure with the score review, which failed to check the fact that Sonny Walters’ goal in the 3rd Quarter had been touched off the boot by Chris Mayne.

The third umpire only bothered to see if Steele Sidebottom had touched the ball on the line, which he hadn’t, and paid the goal.

Apparently, the AFL won’t bother to use something akin to the NRL Bunker, because it would cost millions of dollars a year to operate.

Yep, I’ll think I’ll end it on that hilarious note.

It basically now gives Pies fans something akin to a scapegoat to blame for the loss, but what about when Travis Varcoe took a mark Inside 50 with 10 seconds until 3/4 time, and instead, he handballed it off, and ultimately Collingwood were denied a certain goal by the siren.

Or when Brody Mihocek somehow missed from 10m out with barely any angle in the 1st Quarter when Collingwood were on top.

If either one of those are handled better in hindsight, the Pies win the game.

It all built up to the final 2 minutes, in a weird passage of play that started when Darcy Moore wasn’t paid a mark, included a downfield free kick to Fremantle, which led to Fyfe’s half-arsed torp ending up in the lap of Sonny Walters, who duly did the deed, and lifted the spirits of the nation.

Of course, we all remember what happened the last time Collingwood conceded 11.13 to a WA team at the MCG.

What an utterly weird team the Dockers are- They have the highest and lowest score in 2019, they’ve now managed to defeat GWS and Collingwood on the road, and yet they manage to get drowned by the Gold Coast and Essendon.

All in all, the right result, as the Pies finally get handed a loss they’ve been lucky to avoid several times over the past 7 games.

GWS (19.12-126) defeated Gold Coast (6.7-43) @ GIANTS Stadium

Some news about this game has come from New York, as Secretary General António Guterres announcing the United Nations have assessed the brutal treatment that the Suns were subjected to at the hands of the Giants, and they’ve decided there’s no need to send any help, and Stephen Coniglio will not be sent to The Hague as a war criminal for that utter destruction of the Suns’ backline; 36 disposals, 13 marks, 8 tackles and 3 goals.

He finished on 192 points in Fantasy, the equal 6th best performance by a player in a game this century.

That’s just typical of the UN, Completely UNhelpful to those who actually need their support.

Geelong (13.7-85) defeated Sydney Swans (8.15-63) @ GMHBA Stadium

So many times this year, we’ve seen teams challenge the Cats, and every single time, the challenger has found a way to shoot themselves in the foot by kicking horribly.

Chris Scott must sit up in the coaches box, laughing so hard that he chokes on his water, clicks his fingers, and then watches as the Cats kick 3-4 goals in three minutes, completely turning the momentum and sending them on their way.

The Swans kicked the opening 3 goals, but once the Cats got going, it was like a calming sense of inevitability hit the universe, as they moved 2 games and percentage clear on top of the ladder, proving themselves yet again as the only completely competent team in 2019.

I thought it was funny that immediately after Tommy Hawins gave that half-arsed elbow on Jordan Dawson, Fox Footy did a cut to Gary Ablett sitting in the coaches box.

That sort of thing usually results in a fine, but it is Tomahawk, so I’d imagine he’ll get anywhere between 3-4 weeks in irons at Barwon Prison.

Brisbane Lions (12.13-85) defeated Hawthorn (10.6-66) @ The Gabba

This sort of performance really should put into perspective how bad Port Adelaide were against the Hawks last weekend.

Despite Luke Hodge’s best efforts in that 1st Quarter, setting up an easy goal for Jarman Impey, the Hawks simply weren’t good enough for the Lions at the old Gabbatoir.

After holding yet another team goalless in the opening quarter, I figured the Hawks might have half a hope with all the punches they landed on the scoreboard, and when James Sicily went one step further and actually landed a punch on Lincoln McCarthy.

But after that opening quarter, the Lions went all Brisvegas and threw all the chips down, and as if resting Oscar ‘The Big O’ McInerney wasn’t a sign of how confident they were of beating the Hawks, the Lions decided to build up an entire goal purely in toe pokes.

Tony Greig would’ve described that as being ‘More orse than clawse’.

There was an interesting performance at 3/4 time, as the students from Charlie Cameron’s old school, Marist College Ashgrove, came out and beat their chests to rev up the Gabba faithful.

Originally I thought they were there because nobody had told them it was Saturday night, and there was no school on Sunday.

I’m more than qualified to say this- You don’t need to give a pack of private school boys a reason to beat their chests in public.

But, that rousing drumming performance that Charlie Watts would’ve admired was the perfect tonic, because the Lions ended up running out the game far better than they did against Freo last weekend.

There have now been 11 games between the Hawks and Lions since 2010- Luke Hodge has played in 10 of them (He missed 2012 with a knee injury), and won every single time.

Adelaide (14.6-90) defeated Melbourne (12.16-88) @ TIO Stadium, Darwin

“I almost want to get a Melbourne membership, so I can microwave it after how irksome that was to watch. “ -/u/Aardvark_Man, a Port supporter

Just imagine the scenes when the Demons take on the Pakistani cricket team, and both teams manage to simultaneously find a way to lose.

Personally, I think the Dees should be praised by the footballing community, for teaching us all that Weid does not help you win games of footy.

But young Sam doesn’t deserve all that crap for being the one to shank away the game with 5 seconds to go straight in front, the bigger question should be asked of the Dees.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU KICK 1.8 IN A QUARTER?

I suppose the answer is, “Be Melbourne.”

That probably still isn’t as bad as the ’87 Prelim, when the Dees led by 22 points at 3/4 time against Hawthorn, kicked 6 behinds in the last quarter, and the game ended with ‘Gary Buckenara’ becoming a curse word still used by Dees fans today.

The Dees kicked 9.4 to the half, and then kicked 3.12 in the 2nd Half to piss away a game they led for bordering on 2 hours, capped off by the three misses directly in front of goal- Harmes, Gawn and then Sam Weideman.

And I haven’t even mentioned that the Crows played the entire 2nd Half without Rory Sloane, who went off with a hamstring injury, and they were apparently desperate for bringing back Josh Jenkins, who spent his 6 week exile writing the form for the Globe Derby trots, while Bryce Gibbs didn’t even play in the SANFL last weekend.

‘Jerker’ kicked 2 goals, and Bryce Gibbs.. well, he was there.

Melbourne’s last 10 scores of the game:

1.9-15

Adelaide’s last 10 scores of the game:

8.2-50

If you go back slightly further to when Melbourne were up by 31 points in the 3rd Quarter, they kicked 1.11 to finish off the game.

It’s very understandable really- God hates a team called Demons.

Port Adelaide (22.7-139) defeated St Kilda (9.15-69) @ Transplanted Adelaide Arena, Shanghai

“Fun Fact: St Kilda’s Latin motto Fortius Quo Fidelius roughly translates to Why Did I Eat The Shanghai Special“– /u/NoUseForALagWagon

It’s a shame the game wasn’t played in Beijing, because I was looking forward to seeing a kick Inside 50 get stuck in the sky, due to all the pollution.

The dramas for the Saints began the day before the game, when Alan Richardson and at least six players went down with a bad case of ‘Dodgy Dumplings.’

It was strangely akin to the Springboks getting the cooks to poison the All-Blacks’ dinner the night before the 1995 World Cup Final.

If you think that Jonah Lomu was stopped through sheer man-power, I say you are WRONG!

As a result, the Sainters lost defenders Dan McKenzie and Jono Marsh, and flying in via the red-eye to replace them were Nick Coffield, and something called a Darragh Joyce, which I assume is some Irish beer that I’ve never tried before.

The combination of playing a bottle of alcohol in the backline, and Kochie spreading the Black Death in the Saints camp, allowed the Power to treat the 35 locals that showed up to the game with a dazzling display of attacking football, kicking 12.3 in the 1st Half.

They can treat the Chinese to the best of Aussie Rules, but not their South Australian fan base.

I’m still very skeptical of the Power- They still haven’t kicked 100 points this season… IN AUSTRALIA.

Essendon (11.8-74) defeated Carlton (4.9-33) @ The MCG

I built up this game as LolBowl 2019, and in the wash-up, the utter lack of skill thoroughly exceeded my expectation levels, which are currently located somewhere on the ocean floor, near the wreck of the Batavia.

It was so good, I saw Darcy Lang record a handball.

West Coast Eagles (21.7-133) defeated Western Bulldogs (10.12-72) @ Optus Stadium

This was a game the Eagles won.

What an effort.