The AFL Review: Round 14, 2019

“Wait until my father hears about this!” Said Malfoy, as he was escorted away in a Tricolour Taxi instead of an Ambulance.

West Coast (14.22-106) defeated Essington (11.5-71) @ Optus Stadium

In the past two games, Tippa has gone goalless in a Bombers win, and Tippa has kicked a goal in a Bombers loss.

The game really should’ve been smoked by the half, but as it turned out, West Coast’s performance in the 2nd Quarter was akin to North Melbourne’s 2nd Quarter in the 1998 Grand Final, a fact that somehow didn’t cause Wayne Carey to have a Vietnam flashback and run screaming out of the Channel Seven box.

In fairness to the Eagles, they only kicked 4.10, which was slightly better than North, who kicked 2.13 and ended up losing the flag to the Crows.

Ultimately, once the Big Birds slightly fixed up their goalkicking, the game really took a backseat to the major story of the night, and probably the millennium- Matt Guelfi being taken from the ground in a Tricolour Taxi.

This human rights violation was caused by Jeremy McGovern pushing Guelfi into the LED fence, knocking him out of the game and giving him sore ribs, an incident apparently exasperated by the presence of the security guard’s chair.

Bristle was alarmed at this medical emergency, due to his strange belief that players heading to hospital should always be loaded into an ambulance.

I completely agree with Bristle- You Easterners have no idea how expensive taxis are in this city- Dad once had to take out a bank loan just to get to the WACA to line up for an Ashes test.

Six years later, he’s still paying it back.

As a result of his crusade in punishing outcomes, Michael Christian shot his load and banned the McGovernator for one game.

Tom Bellchambers was also fined for a head high hit to Luke Shuey, which had Bombers fans passing kidney stones at the thought of Zac Clarke coming back into the line-up, and Mason Redman was fined for wiping his boot on Oscar Allen.

That Ben Stratton, he’s a bad influence.

Sydney Swans (12.10-82) defeated Hawthorn (9.9-63) @ The SCG

I can’t wait for Buddy’s autobiography.. The final 10 chapters will be titled “4 goals and a hamstring ping”.

And can you tell me, doctor, why I still can’t get to sleep, and why the Channel Seven coverage chills me to my feet?

And what’s this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?

God help me… it was only nineteen…. points.

I think this could be described as a pyrrhic win for the Swans, with Buddy pinging his hamstring after spending 9 minutes years on the bench, rendering Fox Footy’s Buddy 300 special this Wednesday night useless and sparking another Bristle-led Commission, and unfortunately for Callum Sinclair, he won’t remember his 100th game, after suffering a mild concussion thanks to his massive face-plant in the final quarter.

Of course, most of us remember the last time an Aussie face-planted taking a catch at the SCG.

/r/cricket users may understand

Of course, after yet another performance like this, the Hawks were called “Brave” by the talking heads of Channel Seven.

Is it just me, or is calling a team “Brave” the polite of way of saying “They were crap.”

Melbourne (13.7-85) defeated Fremantle (11.5-71) @ The MCG

With the Dockers flying after three good wins and entrenching themselves inside the Top 8, Channel Seven Perth caught the spirit of the occasion, and delayed the game by 3 hours to televise Nic Nat’s return in the WAFL.

They did show a Fremantle team live… East Fremantle.

As the Dockers’ playing stocks were smashed in the 1st Half, thanks another foot injury to Jesse Hogan, and Stephen Hill suffering another strained hamstring, the Dees had the blood in the nostrils, and by half-time, the Dees had racked up 41 Inside 50s to Freo’s 22… only to trail by a goal, 6.4 to 5.4.

The stereotypical Melbourne performance in 2019.

In the hotly contested 3rd Quarter, I thought it was disappointing to see yet another dive from a ‘well-respected’ player.

Cover yourself in shame, Christian Petracca.

GIF by Jazny

And apparently Michael Walters dived after being reported for head-butting Jack Viney.

So, mainly thanks to Freo going two players down, the 17th best final quarter team beat the 3rd best final quarter team relatively comfortably by the end of the game, and according to Dwayne Russell, Melbourne now have a chance to build in 2019 on the back of this win, having climbed from 16th to 16th.

But seriously though, what kind of a team would lose to BLOODY MELBOURNE.

Brisbane Lions (17.13-115) defeated St Kilda (8.11-59) @ Marvel Stadium

Yeah Moe, that team sure did suck last night, they just plain sucked!

I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

What a fantastic performance by the Lions, a fortnight after they had their pants pulled down by Carlton, and on the birthday of their Lord and Saviour Chris Fagan, they struck down the non-believing Saints for the first time at Docklands since 2000.

Another Faganism Miracle!

So with all this talk about Saints fans finally being fed up with Alan Richardson, considering the Saints gave Stan Alves & Grant Thomas the arse after consecutive finals appearances, the fact that Richo has lasted five seasons without sniffing September before the fans started burning effigies of him is quite the achievement.



Port Adelaide (9.13-67) defeated Geelong (8.8-56) @ The Adelaide Oval

Did you know Patrick Dangerfield’s wife Mardi had a baby? Because apparently Patrick Dangerfield’s wife Mardi had a baby.

It appears the rest of the league has found the formula to defeating the Cats.

Drop Justin Westhoff and Patty Ryder Score more points than them.

Well, it’s that or play them after the Bye, with the Pussies now having lost 8 in a row coming off a Home & Away bye.

Finally, there’s one metric- aside from livability- where the Gold Coast has the edge on Geelong.

When Port were absolutely dominating in the 3rd Quarter for absolutely no scoreboard impact, I assumed there was going to come a point when the Cats turn into the Death Star and utterly demoralise the Power with one swift stroke.

They did kick two goals in a minute to cut the margin back to 9 points halfway through the quarter, but the Power hit back, literally, taking out three Cats players in two minutes.

If you can’t beat them, BEAT THEM.

Rohan was concussed off the ball by the 71 kilo hessian sack Karl Amon (Which will probably be looked at) and didn’t come back, Tim Kelly never really made an impact before he got smashed in the ribs, and Tom Hawkins was last seen at 7pm on Saturday night, being stuffed into Tom Clurey’s back pocket.

But after everything that happened, do you know what the best part about this result is?

Better fire up this classic tune!

You’ll know what I’m referring to.

Collingwood (13.4-82) defeated Western Bulldogs (10.13-73) @ Marvel Stadium

Darcy Moore should be renamed Samson Moore.

Both of them lost their edge after they cut their hair.

Still, seeing Darcy not looking like Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham wasn’t the biggest disappointment of the afternoon- The 2nd Quarter made me want to lodge a crayon in by cranium.

30 minutes of the Bulldogs utterly wasting their dominance, and the Pies providing marking drills for the fans sitting in Row 5 on both wings.

Case in point, the Dogs kicked 1.4 from 17 Inside 50s- The lone goal was a Joe the Goose goal to Tory Dickson with 10 seconds to go, while the Pies kicked 1.1 from about 5 Inside 50s and one mark to the Lanky Yankee.

Surprise surprise, the Pies actually took their chances in the 3rd Quarter, and the Dogs, despite winning three quarters, pissed away their chance of a win into the Melbourne wind.

Which was quite the achievement, considering the roof was shut.

Categories: AFL

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