The AFL Review: Round 15, 2019

It really doesn’t help when Channel Seven are tightarses on technology

“We want score reviewers to take their time in decision making.”

“We want score reviewers to take no more than 20 seconds!”

“We only need 4 score reviewers.”

“Adam Kennedy didn’t touch the ball, from my view.”

“I heard they shaved a gorilla.”

Essendon (12.5-77) defeated GWS (10.11-71) @ Marvel Stadium

“This is the biggest embarrassment in our game since Meat Loaf sang at the Grand Final” – Jonathan Brown on the Score Review

That could be Brown Dog’s finest line since “I don’t run on me face”.

The next time the AFL trot out the “We review every goal” gag, give them the finger and fart in their general direction, because Steven Hocking and Darryl Somers are both proof that nothing positive has ever come out of Geelong.

And if that wasn’t strange enough, the Giants finished +27 in contested disposals, and -15 in free kicks, almost all of them conceded by a certain ruckman in orange wearing the number 41.

But then again, we can’t let the AFL’s latest episode of ineptitude mask the second-most glaring issue from Thursday.

The Giants, a supposed premiership contender, coughed up a 19 point lead in the final quarter against a team without a ruckman, who they had bent over a barrel and begging for mercy.

Between this loss, getting dick kicked by Hawthorn and the Fremantle loss in Canberra, that’s proof enough for me to yet again declare that they won’t do a thing come September.

After a massive win like this, the Bombers now have the foundation for their customary late season push to finals, before they somehow lose to the Swans next weekend.

Geelong (14.12-96) defeated Adelaide (10.9-69) @ GMHBA Stadium, 7:50pm AEST

Ah, a fantastic palindrome scoreboard.

After being crunched in a marking duel in the 1st Half, Patrick Dangerfield recovered from his latest brush with death to wind back the clock and play his best game in years for the Crows.

13 kicks, and not one of them effective, in a performance to match the quality of his lifestyle show.

Fortunately for the Cats, a performance like that means nothing when you’ve got Tim Kelly and G.Ablett running around, and after going 20 points down in the 2nd Quarter, the Cats attached the strangulation device to the Crows, and simply watched as the visitors slowly asphyxiated themselves over the next 90 minutes in a sex game gone wrong.

A fitting tribute to the 32nd anniversary of Billy Snedden coming and going.

Just highlighting that strangling effect, Jed Bews was brought into the Cats team for the first time in 2019, just to stop Eddie Betts (Something he’s done many times before).

It proved to be such a good move from Chris Scott, that Bews ended up sneaking forward and kicking more goals than Eddie.

One, which is more goals than Eddie kicked in two games against the Cats in 2019.

West Coast (11.11-77) defeated Hawthorn (9.17-71) @ The MCG

On account of the weather and the teams, this game shall henceforth be known as “The Birdbath”, and it’s a game that will forever piss me off.

Although, by all accounts, it pissed off ‘The Rocket’ (Dad) more than me, as he swore at everything in sight and then went off for a drive, before returning half an hour later.

As good at Nic Nat was on his return, feeding it down to his baby Luke Shuey to levels not seen Pre-ACL tears, Hawthorn kicked themselves out of a win.

When you take away the rushed behinds, Hawthorn kicked 9.14.

The Eagles on the other hand, kicked 11.5, despite Josh Kennedy going goalless for the first time since the 2015 Grand Final- Funnily enough, James Frawley played on him that day as well.

And as good as Jaeger O’Meara played (37 disposals and 10 tackles), and as good as John Ceglar was at clunking a big mark in the shitty weather, the only thing that either of them could kick was the chair out from underneath them.

A combined 5 behinds, most which were from very kickable shots at goal.

But stuff all that nonsense, I’m going to go with the current zeitgeist, and blame the Score Review for this loss.

“But they didn’t need the Score Review JT!”

EXACTLY- That useless flog didn’t show up when the Hawks needed someone to bullcrap the Eagles out of a goal.

Thanks to a couple of wins to the other back-markers, Hawks are now anchored in 15th, which at this stage will give them Pick 4, ripe to trade for an injury-riddled B-Grade midfielder.

Sydney Swans (14.9-93) Gold Coast (7.9-51) @ The SCG

I take back every bad thing I said about the Score Review, what a godsend.


In case you missed it, Lachie Weller looked like he’d kicked a goal with 10 seconds to go, which Lewis ‘The Pelican’ Mellican claimed he’d touched, although apparently didn’t have enough evidence to overturn.

But after actually taking the time to review, and apparently having better quality footage than circa-2006 YouTube videos, it was overturned.

Anyway, long story short of the game, after Callum Sinclair discovered a genre of music called Shoulder Pop in the opening minute, the Swans had to use Aliir Aliir in the ruck against Jarrod Witts, which would be a death sentence against a Top 8 team, but it appears that Horse simply trotted out to the middle, and reminded the Swans that they were only playing the Suns.

North Melbourne (11.15-81) defeated Collingwood (5.7-37) @ Marvel Stadium

Capping off a fantastic night for the universe, this is Collingwood’s worst score in the 21st Century, and their worst since Round 5, 1995 (Thanks to /u/His_Holiness for that one), and by gee by jingo by crikey, they’re lucky it wasn’t even worse.

On the flip side, this is the first time North have won a game with Ben Brown going goalless since Round 3, 2016.

That alone should get Rhyce Shaw the full-time coaching job.

Nathan Buckley alluded to this last week, but the Pies have been pathetically average over the past month, sometimes scraping wins purely based on talent, or ‘Fatty Vautin dismissing Tim Horan’ levels of luck, which finally climaxed in Saturday night’s groin kicking, in which everyone in black and white was completely and utterly discombobulated, disintegrated, vaporised, thrashed, belted, arse kicked, Bill Shorten’d by North.

The only thing that saved this game from being 10+ goals was the Roos’ ineptitude in front of goal in the 1st Half, because other than that, the only chance the Pies had to fire a shot was a goal against the flow.

I’ve somehow become confident that the Hawks might beat the Pies next Friday night.

And that’s not good.

Western Bulldogs (10.6-66) defeated Port Adelaide (5.11-41) @ The Adelaide Oval

Nobody knows Port Adelaide like Port fans

The most Port Adelaide performance that Port Adelaide could ever Port Adelaide.

You wouldn’t have known that a week ago they put the best team in the league in a sleeper hold, as the Bulldogs went one better from last week’s missed chance against the Pies and demolished Port in conditions that actually managed to be worse than those in Melbourne.

Typical of South Australia, always managing to be worse than Victoria.

When the game was on the line and the weather was at its worst in the 1st Quarter, The Bont was the best player on the ground, putting in the best performance in water since Matty Mitcham won gold with a perfect dive in Beijing.

11 contested disposals, six clearances (More than Port had as a team) and four Inside 50s, before the Power finally tagged him, but from there, Dunkley and Macrae picked up.

In some good news for the ‘Pear’, Tommy Rockliff gathered a lazy 57 disposals in the SANFL, but given Port’s next game is a relatively minor game called ‘The Showdown’, he’ll probably spend another week in the Prison Bars.

Richmond (16.7-103) defeated St Kilda (10.10-70) @ Marvel Stadium

They say life is hard.

It’s harder when you’re St Kilda.

I was prepared to sing the Saints’ praises for their outstanding work in front of the big sticks, as they slammed on 7.0 and led by 4 goals in the 2nd Quarter.

And then they kicked 3.10 (2 of them rushed behinds) for the rest of the game, and as punishment, Nick Hind had his name by deed poll to Nick BeHind.

After trailing by only 7 points at 3/4 time, the Saints kicked a pissy 2.7 in the final quarter, compared to the Tigers kicking 7.3, and as a result, a close game was turned into a Yellow & Black % booster… by their standards.

As a tribute, Dimma has announced that from now on, Richmond personnel will refer to a goal as a ‘Chol’, after Mabior’s all-round dominance up forward with three Chols, one better than his two Chols against the Crows.

Chol was so good, that he made the Saints’ defenders vanish into thin air.

If Chol went alright, then Sydney Stack was beyond alright, finishing with a Capper and four Chols, having only kicked three in his previous 11 games.

His first game as a forward, and he’s already making defenders fill their dacks… now that’s a talent.

Brisbane Lions (15.17-107) defeated Melbourne (11.8-74) @ The Gabba

The Faganism Bible- Chapter 15, Verse 15

After complaining about being seeded 3rd at Wimbledon, Rafael Nadal warmed up for his 1st Round match against Yuichi Sugita by returning to Australia to play for the Lions, under his Australian alias ‘Eric Hipwood’.

The arse scratching really gave him away

‘Eric The Exorcist’ proceeded to kick 5 goals in 15 minutes in the 2nd Half to destroy the Demons, reminding his critics once again that he’s just as dangerous on the grass as he is on the red dirt.

Despite the on-field dominance of the 12-time Roland Garros champion, the 2nd Quarter provided us more proof that it’s physically impossible to polish excrement.

The defensive efforts were as soft as a washed bed sheet, the Lions’ goalkicking was a war crime, and then adding to the ugliness Max Gawn rolled his ankle on landing after a marking contest, which made him a non-factor, and then Oscar McInernrey was bloodied and concussed when he met Christian Salem’s hip.

Thanks to /u/smegdaddy

Unfortunately for the Big O, if he wants to be the next Jonno Brown for the Lions, he’s got the ‘Horrible Looking Facial Injury’ box ticked off.

After kicking 5.14 at one point in the 3rd Quarter, the artists formerly known as the Bad News Bears kicked 10.3 for the rest of the game, and after that, it really was game over, and probably season smothered with a pillow, for Melbourne.

Carlton (11.13-79) defeated Fremantle (11.9-75)@ Optus Stadium


I remember when Hulk Hogan appeared on the AFL Footy Show a few years ago, and he was asked about Damien Hardwick commenting after a Tigers loss that his players “Didn’t turn up”, an option that WWE wrestlers don’t have.

Hulk’s advice?

“Get another coach.”

That could apply to Fremantle, who have now managed to lose to Gold Coast and Carlton in the same season.

Finals contenders my left arse-cheek.

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