The AFL Review: Round 16, 2019

Seriously, just look at them both (Photo: Daniel Carson/AFL Photos)

Collingwood: “We blew a 3 goal lead to the team sitting in 15th”

Adelaide: “Hold my West End.”

Fremantle: “Hold my Emu Export.”

Hawthorn (9.13-67) defeated Apparently Collingwood (9.9-63) @ The MCG

This was a game honouring the courageous work of our Emergency Servicemen and women, but not one of the fireies on hand to see the game bothered to try and stop Hawthorn from burning themselves with their spuddy disposal for three quarters.

It turned out to be right decision.

But seriously, the first three quarters were so god awful that they had me wishing George Burgess would knock on the front door and gouge my eyes out, and then the last quarter was like watching Popeye gulp down a tin of spinach and go berserk.

Despite getting kicked around in general play, the Pies had their biggest lead of the game when Will Hoskin Elliott put them 18 points up with 15 minutes to go, by which point the Hawks had kicked 4 goals for the game, and I thought, “Yep, it’s over again”.

The Hawks proceeded to kick 5 of the next 6 goals and win, because nothing in the universe makes sense anymore.

There’s another sign you’re screwed- Losing the Inside 50 count to Hawthorn 57-35.

The Pies are now 1-2 (And lucky not to be 0-3) since Darcy Moore removed his flowing blonde locks.

Based on him being unable to stop Mitchell ‘Lewis Mitchell’ Lewis alongside Jordan Roughead, he should be renamed Samson.

Anyway, I’m finally happy for the first time in a month- Good to win a close game for once!

Essendon (11.10-76) defeated Sydney (9.12-66) @ The MCG

The Swans’ 96 year losing streak to the Dons at the ‘G was a very concerning stat before the game, and is it turned out, history was a good indicator.

Thanks to the mental scarring inflicted by the 2016 Grand Final defeat, Swans fans targeted the umpires as the cause of this close loss, mostly because Aliir Aliir was routinely punished for menial infringements in the ruck.

I saw a far bigger problem (As did most Swans fans, to be fair)- Their goal kicking killed them.

Tom Papley missing from 20 out in the opening term, Hill Wayward hitting the post from 20 out straight in front in the last quarter when the Bombers hat kicked 4 goals in a row, countless other misses, and one of the dumber moments was Nick Blakey taking the advantage from a Sam Reid free kick, who was due to have a set shot, only to realise he suffers from the same problem as Buddy- He doesn’t have a right foot, causing him to get choked up by the Bombers defenders and badly miss on his left boot, which could’ve cut the margin to under a goal.

The Swans lost by 10 points. Do the math.

Anyway, the Planes have well and truly taken off on their annual late season push to the finals!

Richmond (23.12-150) defeated Gold Coast (9.4-58) @ Metricon Stadium

A candidate for the best surname in the league, Derek Eggmolesse-Smith (Which for some reason sounds like Egg Molester), made his debut for the Tigers, and before the game, Dimma had some simple advice for the young fella.

And run he did.

He is the Eggmolesse, he is the Eggmolesse, he is the Walrus…. Goo goo g’joob.

On Saturday, they cancelled the Gold Coast races because of the state of the track.

It’s a shame the AFL didn’t cancel this game at Half-time, because of the state of the Gold Coast Suns.

“You lost by 14 goals, but we’ll call it a draw”.

The first Half-Time century by any team since 2011, and Richmond’s 2nd greatest 1st Half.

When you look at it that way, the Suns actually did very well to not lose by a cricket score, which is part of the reason why Tigers fans actually managed to be slightly pissed off for ONLY winning by 92 points.

And I can absolutely see why they’d be pissed off- There hasn’t been a single 100 point win this season, mainly because some teams have gone so far ahead in the 1st Half that they stop caring by half-time and take the foot off the gas.


But regardless, the tracks are getting warmer.

The Tiggy Train is puffing into Finals Junction.

Port Adelaide (15.11-101) defeated Adelaide (5.14-44) @ The Adelaide Oval

Showdown Medal: Robbie Gray (Port Adelaide)

Thanks /u/RandomDanny

When Tex Walker kicked a goal and a behind a minute into the 3rd Quarter, the Crows led by 4 points, 5.12 to 6.2.

They kicked 2 behinds for the rest of the game..


It’s not often that you can say a team kicked themselves out of a game in the 1st Half- But Adelaide’s goal kicking in the 1st Half killed them.

Of course, ironically, the Crows did win a flag being the beneficiaries of horrific 1st Half goalkicking.

But seriously, what the hell is up with Port?

They get washed down the tubes with a truck driver last week against the Dogs, and then just completely randomly in the span of a half, they annihilate the Crows and hold them to their lowest-ever score in a Showdown, and simultaneously their biggest Showdown win in 18 years.

It was an absolutely mind-boggling performance to watch after Half-Time- Port’s ball movement just became so precise out of absolutely nowhere, that they could’ve sliced a golf ball sitting on a man’s head in half from 40 metres away.

In contrast, the Crows couldn’t even touch the ball.

Realistically, the Showdown Medal could’ve gone to any one of about half-a-dozen Power players, since they were all that good, but as if impersonating the Associated Press deciding the NFL MVP back in the 2000s, the gong went to Robbie Gray for the 5th time, thanks to his 35 disposals and 10 clearances.

They truly are the most consistent team in 2019, in that they’re consistently inconsistent.

So having said that, can we all finally learn our lesson about the Power in 2019, and not sing their praises after a big win.. because with the way their season has gone, they’ll probably somehow lose to the Lions at the AO next weekend.

Western Bulldogs (10.11-71) defeated Geelong (7.13-55) @ Marvel Stadium

What was lost (Mainly by me) in the build-up to the game was that umpire Shane McInerney umpired his 496th game, breaking Hayden Kennedy’s mark for the most in league history.

It wasn’t forgotten by these blokes (Fox Footy/Channel 7)

What an effort, and hopefully he can get to 500 games by the end of the year!

Although the bigger story is this- With 2 losses in their past 3 games, the Cats are clearly struggling with a bad case of the June Premiership Hangover, because the Dogs midfielders (Led unsurprisingly by the Bont and Jack Macrae) absolutely creamed them when it counted most, booting 5 goals to 1 in a final quarter spree.

Heck, the Cats only goal in that final quarter was directly assisted by Jackson Trengove shanking a free kick with 90 seconds to go straight to Tom Hawkins.

Aaron Naughton had only kicked 4 goals in his past 6 games, and then he turned back into the AstroNaught that has been touted as an extremely promising young key forward, booting 4 goals in a low-scoring game.

The AstroNaught is just warming up for the 50th Anniversary of the Moon Landing in a fortnight, when he’ll probably 12 goals against the Saints.

What a great weekend for Dogs- 2 wins in a row, beating the top of the ladder of the team, and to cap it all off, they’re no longer the only team to concede 100 points to Carlton!

West Coast (19.8-122) defeated Fremantle (2.19-31) @ Optus Stadium

Allan-Glendinning Medalist: Shannon Hurn Brad Sheppard (West Coast)

Sorry about that- Muscle memory.

Hello I’m JT, and this, is the Roast of the Fremantle Football Club.

I’ll kick things off with a joke- Who kicked 2 goals in the 50th Western Derby?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…


TOM HICKEY! And also Fremantle!

Now, let’s go through the achievements racked up by the Dockers on Saturday night.

  • Won the Inside 50 Count 60-50 (Well done on that front)
  • Lowest score in a Western Derby
  • 2nd Heaviest defeat in a Western Derby
  • Lowest score at Optus Stadium

And worst of all, 2.19 is the worst display of accuracy in the AFL era, the 7th worst in the history of the VFL/AFL, and the worst since Richmond recorded 2.20 in 1975.

That’s not just a crime against football, that’s a crime against the human race.

By contrast, West Coast started the game by kicking 2.5.

They finished by kicking 17.3 in at times, driving rain.

Jarrod Cameron, Jamie Cripps and Jack Darling all kicked more goals than the Dockers.

I could go on, but the point is- I’m calling on the AFL to crack down on this goalkicking BLOT, either in the form of a massive fine, or by sending a permanent reminder, and removing three fingers on the left hand of each Freo player.

That’ll teach them a lesson for trying to perform the job for which they are paid.

After being Freo’s favourite targets Inside 50, Jeremy McGovern and Tom Barrass celebrated with their shorts pulled into their arses Warwick Caper style, while Fremantle finished the game with theirs collectively pulled down.


That is just….. Well… Shizenhousen.

Melbourne (15.15-105) defeated Carlton (15.10-100) @ The MCG

Here’s a summary of Melbourne this afternoon.

Once the Demons went 38 points up in the 3rd Quarter, you got that special feeling in the cockles of your heart that David Teague had activated his trap card.

And once Tom McDonald went off the ground after putting a flamethrower to Liam Jones all afternoon (6 goals and 20 disposals to pretty much be BOG) to join Marty Hore and Harrison Petty in being done for the afternoon (Plus Max Gawn not playing), that special feeling worked its way below the cockles, into the subcockles, into the liver and the kidneys, and maybe even the colon.

When Carlton kicked their 6 unanswered goals to claim the lead (Led by Jack Silvagni evolving from punching bag to demigod), they looked set to seriously pull off another comeback, although Jayden Hunt put the Dees ahead again with 90 seconds to go, leading to one of the funniest final minutes of play I’ve ever seen.

50 seconds to go, and the Dees benefit from a 50/50 bounce, and Mitch Hannan launches a massive kick from 60 metres out, that looks certain to crawl through for a goal.

It stops dead on the line, and is ultimately forced through for a behind by a rampaging Angus Brayshaw with 37 seconds to go- Dees by 6 points.

And then Carlton go forward with 30 seconds left, and Mitch McGovern’s freaky kick off the ground from 10 metres out looks set to tie the scores with 7 seconds to go… and it hits the post, and in frustration, ‘Mitts’ kicks the ball away, and ends the game with a 50 metre penalty.

Now I’m not an expert in anyone’s language, but putting it mildly, that final minute could be one of the biggest collective ‘willy-whackings’ I’ve ever seen.

It’s ironic that 100 points can pretty much win any game this season, and yet Carlton are now 1-2 when they kick 100 points.

Under the injury circumstances, and the serious meme power they had to contend with in the final quarter, that was a well-earned win for the Dees.

North Melbourne (17.10-112) defeated St Kilda (11.7-73) @ Blundstone Arena

Another day, another win for Rhyce ‘Megamind’ Shaw, as North’s talls belted the Saints from pretty much the opening bounce- Larkey kicked 5, Cam ‘You Don’t Mess With The’ Zurhaar finished with 5 and Ben Brown kicked 3, although Josh Bruce did kick 6 goals, in what was a classic ‘Saints Key Forward Kicks A Bag in a Loss’ performance that Plugger delivered week in week out.

When the Saints had the breeze and clawed back to within 20 points (What a coincidence, hey Bristle?) after trailing by 46 points, a noticeable gameplan from the Sainters was to niggle away at Roos players and get under their skin.

Yep, because if there’s one team who won’t respond to getting physically attacked, it’s a team with a nickname like ‘Shinboners’.

And then further proving the Saints’ ingeniously silly gameplan, Matty Parker ran through the protected area in a set shot from 50 when the margin was 20 points in the 3rd Quarter, gifting North an easy goal, and leading to another two goals to increase the lead once again.

Not exactly a good move, in our efforts to improve the image of players with neck tattoos.

In the end, the Roos were comfortably ahead pretty much all day, thanks to their insider knowledge of the local conditions.

Ah, Tassie.

Brisbane Lions (14.10-94) defeated GWS @ GIANTS Stadium

The Faganism Bible: Chapter 16, Verse 16

A Queensland team belting a New South Wales team at Olympic Park.

Could this be an omen for State of Origin?

Once I saw the Lions were wearing their home gear (Thanks to the Giants wearing white shorts at home for some reason), I knew Lord Fagan would have his disciples in their Gabba mindset, and they would prove hard to beat.

Just on that- who the heck was the Johnny No-Mates at the AFL or GWS that decided the Giants should wear their white shorts at home against the Lions, having never previously worn white shorts at home against the Lions.

The Giants simply had no answer to the awesome midfield running power of Lachie Neale and Lincoln McCarthy, empowered by the loss of his grandfather- 22 disposals and 3 goals, and Neale racked up 31 disposals and a goal, further proving him as a prophet foreseeing the rise of the Lions last offseason.

Their first win in Sydney since Round 22, 2009, and in the Top 4 at ROUND BLOODY 16- CAN I GET A PRAISE FAGAN!


The ‘Could Have Beaten Freo On Their Own’ Club

Tom McDonald (Melbourne): 6.2-38

Josh Bruce (St Kilda): 6.0-36

Cam Zurhaar (North Melbourne): 5.3-33

Jason Castagna (Richmond): 5.2-32

The ‘Honourable Mention’

Nick Larkey (North Melbourne): 5.0-30

The ‘Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence’ Award

Essendon: David Zaharakis (3)

Richmond: Tom Lynch, Kane Lambert (Both 3)

Port Adelaide: Brad Ebert (4)

Western Bulldogs: Aaron Naughton (4), Sam Lloyd (3)

West Coast: Jarrod Cameron, Jack Darling, Jamie Cripps (All 4)

Melbourne: Christian Petracca, Jayden Hunt (Both 3)

Carlton: Levi Casboult, Will Setterfield, Jack Silvagni (All 3)

North Melbourne: Ben Brown (3)

Brisbane Lions: Lincoln McCarthy (3)

GWS: Harry Himmelberg (4), Toby Greene (3)

Categories: AFL

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