AFL

The Meaningless AFL Review: Round 18, 2019

I should apologise in advance- Many of these reviews will be very short, as I’m currently in Queensland for a cousins’ 21st, and am presently ‘Rather unwell’.

Today, as we have done for most of the week, we recognise the 50th anniversary of one of humanity’s most amazing moments.

Baseball Hall of Famer Gaylord Perry hitting a home run 30 minutes after the Moon Landing, when Giants manager Alvin Dark had supposedly previously said “They’ll put a man on the moon before he hits a home run”.

Essendon (15.6-96) defeated Adelaide (10.15-75) @ The Adelaide Oval

The Crows should never be allowed to set foot near a finals race again.

What an utterly mediocre football club.

Everything about them screams Lightweight West Coast- The No.1 supported team in a parochial footy state, with an annoying younger brother in tow… and yet, they fall short of the Eagles in absolutely every category.

33 points up in the 2nd Quarter, which should’ve been more with better goalkicking, and then they meekly surrendered when the Dons rolled up the border, and kicked 12 of the last 15 goals.

It was pretty much a carbon copy of the Eagles game from Round 10- The Crows led by 33 points in the 3rd Quarter that day, only for the Eagles to kick 10 of the last 12 goals and steamroll them.

Anyway, credit should be given where it’s due, that was another outstanding win for The Planes, who are soaring that high, they could very well dislodge the Lunar Module with another win.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid… until Week One of the finals.

Richmond (15.11-101) defeated Port Adelaide (9.9-63) @ The MCG

Toot Toot!

The Tiggy Train is steaming along, and wiping out any fools who dare stand on the tracks, like the Power, who saw the Cycle of Port demolished like the DeLorean from the end of Back To The Future.

It’s absolutely no wonder the Tiges are back to playing the sort of footy that won them a flag, and it’s not because of playing every game at the MCG.

In spite of losing Snags Higgins for the year, they’re basically only missing two key players- The obvious being Alex Rance, and the other being Nank The Tank, who played in the VFL today.

They’re so good right now, that Mabior Chol is keeping Josh Caddy in the VFL.

And rightfully so- One of them is an AA quality forward, and the other is Josh Caddy.

Carlton (15.9-99) defeated Gold Coast (11.9-75) @ Marvel Stadium

Yet another loss for the Suns, as it appears things are now so bad at Carrara, that Ben King has resorted to punching his own teammates in frustration, akin to the fabled Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer fight back in 2005.

Thanks to /u/dogryan100 for the original video

“Can’t believe the umps allowed a king hit.” – /u/20060578
*badum tish*

GWS (19.8-122) defeated Collingwood (11.9-75) @ GIANTS Stadium

As we all suspected, all it took for GWS to recapture their best form was for their entire starting midfield to go down with injuries.

I always felt that Josh Kelly and Stephen Coniglio were holding the Orange Soviets back, and now we the people have the proof implanted in our brain- 8.2 to 1.1 at Quarter Time, as the Pies produced a start that was on par with a certain Northern Irishman putting his opening tee shot out of bounds at the British Open, and instantly eliminating himself with a quadruple bogey.

Unsurprisingly, neither the Pies or this certain Northern Irishman recovered.

Brisbane Lions (12.15-87) defeated North Melbourne (12.3-75) @ The Gabba

The Faganism Bible, Chapter 18, Verse 18

I am DISGUSTED– Those men in green have overshadowed another great triumph for Lord Fagan and his disciples- Their first 5-win streak in 12 years, giving Daniel Rich a win in a milestone game for the first time since his debut game, basically securing themselves a finals spot, and moving up to 2nd on the ladder at this time of year, with 3 of their next 4 games at the ‘Brisbane Cricket Ground’.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, or like me, you were pissed as a fart on Saturday night, here’s what happened.

Surprisingly, the AFL broke character, and actually admitted the umpire had made a mistake.

I’m SHOCKED! SHOCKED!

Well, not that shocked.

Fremantle (7.10-52) defeated Sydney Swans (7.9-51) @ Optus Stadium

“John Longmire vs Ross Lyon is like the immovable object vs the immovable object.” – /u/TheRearMech

It truly was appropriate that the anointed second-worst team in the league would win a game by kicking a pair of behinds.

Another one point result in 2019, and at this rate we’re probably going to go the whole season without a draw… and then similar to Wimbledon with the 12-all tiebreak, the only instance will probably come in the Grand Final, after the human sacrifice of Gillon and Steve Hocking at 3/4 time to appease the crowd.

I only just discovered something- Someone called ‘Jake Lloyd’ racked up 42 disposals, which collectively had as much impact on the game as me… and yet some Fourth Estate flogs (Namly SEN) gave him best afield over David Mundy.

Ah yes, the classic stats reader, who doesn’t bother to actually watch the game.

Hawthorn (12.13-85) defeated Geelong (8.13-61) @ The MCG

Well I’ll be damned, that was one of the more unexpectedly good wins I’ve enjoyed in a long time, and of course it came as Jarman Impey probably destroyed his right knee by hyper-extending it on landing.

Knowing the Hawks’ medical department, they’ll say he’s out for a month… which will probably mean he’s out until 2021.

Still, that’s a hat-trick of wins, all of which have had a Hawks player reach 200 games (Liam Shiels today), and two of which have come against Top Four teams in Collingwood and the top-placed Cats, and best of all, Mitchell Lewis has continued his ascension from “Guy with hilariously similar name to two Hawthorn legends”, to “Second coming of Dunstall and Hudson”.

But still, as is the case with most Hawks-Cats games, when the Hawks kicked 3.9 in the 2nd Quarter, I fully expected the Cats to come back and destroy ‘us’ for failing to make the most of our chances.

And later on, when the Hawks led by 3 goals with 3 minutes to go, I thought to myself that those bloody Cats will find some bullshit way to come back… they always do.

But they didn’t, so suck on that one!

West Coast Eagles (14.7-91) defeated Melbourne (11.12-78) @ Traeger Park

The Heart of the Nation clash, as the Eagles took Ozzy The Eagle back to his birthplace, and we were once again subjected to the standard Melbourne game in 2019.

Give a decent effort, kick poorly in front of goal, have 3 players get injured by the 3rd Quarter, and then lose.

Speaking of which, I bet Michael Christian is frothing with excitement at the thought of rubbing out Tom Barrass, for his bump that knocked Jack Viney out of the game.

The Dees’ kicking, especially in the 1st Quarter, was so terrible that Bristle cracked it on-air, and probably had half a thought of storming the ground and going through an intense demonstration on how to drop the ball on to your foot, while going on about sports scientists ruining modern goalkicking.

1.5 to 5.1 in the opening quarter, and then in a weird coincidence, the Dees stormed back from 5 goals down, after actually kicking straight in the 2nd and 3rd Quarters.

Still, the damage had been done, and once again in 2019, the Eagles beat the Demons purely because of good goalkicking.

Prelim Finalist one year, 17th the next- It’s like the good old days of the Neale Daniher Demons!

St Kilda (17.14-116) defeated Western Bulldogs (14.5-89) @ Marvel Stadium

It’s no wonder Brett Ratten has been an amazing success for the Saints- After all, he did have a 50.42% winning record at Carlton, which is basically 75% at other clubs.

The Saints were having a Sunday evening tea party, and they prepared in style by naming ‘Royal’ Doulton Langlands, who of course celebrated this news with a celebratory shot at goal at training… which hit the post.

Whenever I see his name, I only think of Hyacinth Bucket (It’s pronounced Bouquet) talking about her collection of Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles.

In the end though, it is hilarious to think that the Dogs season has been destroyed by strategic coaching changes- But then again, if you concede 100 points twice to Carlton, and then become the first team to concede 100 points to St Kilda, then you’re probably as much of a finals contender as Freo.

Speaking of which, they’re playing each other next weekend- Once Dale Alcock goes public and declares that Ross has the full support of the board, we can pretty much pencil in Freo to win.

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