AFL

JT’s Meaningless AFL Preview: Round 19

Never forget that we witnessed Ben King punch his own teammate, giving away a free kick to Carlton.

So Tim Kelly’s missus wants to go back to WA, and Brad Hill’s missus wants to go back to Victoria.

Surely the easiest situation for both Freo and Geelong is a straight swap- Freo trade Brad Hill’s missus to Geelong to live with Tim, and in return, the Cats trade Tim Kelly’s missus back to WA to live with Brad.

Therefore, the only people that actually want to leave will be able to leave.


Friday


Collingwood (4th) vs Richmond (5th) @ The MCG, 7:50pm AEST

Another fine player who represented Richmond and Collingwood.

Another gripping edition of the Steven McKee Cup headlines Round 19, as the Tiges’ season is starting to roar to life at the right time to leave them standing just a win away from the Top 4, while the Pies season is in more trouble than the Flyers’ chances of repeating as AFLX Champions.

I can see this ending in one of two ways- Riewoldt and Lynch rip the Pies to shreds like my dog enjoying a stuffed toy and win by 10 goals, or Mason Cox just randomly turns up, decides to give Tigers fans PTSD, and demolishes their hopes and dreams in a single quarter once again.


Saturday


Hawthorn (10th) vs Brisbane Lions (2nd) @ York Park, 1:45pm AEST

I saw a genuine miracle from Hawthorn against Geelong on Sunday.

They did the usual bomb a high ball Inside 50 against the Cats, only this time, one of those kicks was actually marked by a Hawks player- Mitchell ‘Sam Jordan’ Lewis, who was accordingly recognised as this week’s Rising Star nomination based on that one mark alone.

On the downside, the dream half-back back line of Sicily, Birchall and Impey has been destroyed, with Jarman out until the middle of next year with an ACL tear, which has probably robbed him of a certain Best & Fairest Award.

Three wins in a row, and apparently Clarko has completed his journey from ‘Attacking Savant’ to ‘Improved Ross Lyon’, as the Hawkers shut teams down with something called THE GRID, which might be enough to defeat the religious footballing movement to the North.

Lord Fagan has returned his disciples to the Top 2 through his simple teachings of the Faganism Bible, although even a man as divine as he could struggle to overcome the dreaded 2nd Place Curse, which struck down his disciples back in Round 4 against the Bombers.

The Lions defence might want to perform a bit better than Harris Andrews did at the Tribunal, as he pretty much managed to find himself guilty of striking Nick Larkey, despite the Lions arguing that he didn’t hit Larkey high.

“Sure I struck him in the throat and felt his teeth clatter, but I didn’t hit him intentionally high!”

Just imagine him in court as the defendant… he’d be a prosecutor’s dream.

The Draft Pick Cup

Carlton (16th) vs Adelaide (8th) @ The MCG, 2:10pm AEST

This game was due to be the inaugural Mitch McGovern Cup, taking over from the Eddie Betts Cup, which took over from the Sauce Jacobs Cup, but Mitch has been sent to a fat farm.

The Crows won this game by 104 points last year, which is hilarious to think, because they’re seriously half a chance at losing on Saturday, based on the latest blown 33-point lead at the Oval to the Dons, which is probably the 498th and final indication the world needed that they’re just pretty darn average this year.

Without the two percentage boosters against the Suns, the Crows would be in 12th, and being written off by Kane Cornes every day of the week.

Actually, he does that anyway.

Meanwhile, after another regulation victory, Supercoach David Teague has now achieved more wins in 6 games as a coach (4), than Brendan Baggins achieved in his final 18 months with the Blues (3).

What is so different in Carlton’s mindset between Teague and Bolton, is that Teague has ensured the Blue Baggers now live with just one singular purpose in life- To destroy Adelaide’s 1st Round Pick, which now slipped to 3rd Overall, while the Blues are picking 11th, which will probably get into the Top 10 the way the Crows are heading.

Caretaker coach this week, and a caretaker coach next week when they play the Saints in Adelaide.

It’s a good thing the Crows aren’t the Doggies, because they’d be screwed.

West Coast Eagles (3rd) vs North Melbourne (17th) @ Optus Stadium, 2:35pm AEST

Some shrewd coaching by Simmo in Alice Springs ensured the Eagles won by ENOUGH against the Dees to ensure they only snuck into 3rd, instead of having to incur the 2nd Place Curse this weekend.

You can’t tell me coaches don’t read SirSwampThing’s Twitter feed.

Anyway, the big shock from Sunday was the late withdrawal of Shannon Hurn for Francis Watson, for what I can only assume was for form reasons, and based on how well the Eagles played, I can’t see Bunga working his way back into the team in 2019.

A very tough decision, considering Bunga was an All-Australian last year, but those are the tough decisions you have to make to win Back-To-Back flags.

As for North, they’ve finally had their dreams of Rhyce Shaw coaching them to the most hilarious premiership of all time killed off in the space of seven day, and Saturday night’s loss at the Gabba was just another kick in the balls, especially as we found out that Scotty Thompson had literally busted one of his balls before the umpires dudded him with that free kick to the Big O.

Understandably, Scotty won’t be featuring on Saturday, while he waits for his missing testicle to return from his stomach.

Based on North’s last visit to Perth, the result could resemble this video, which be re-titled “Wedge-Tailed Eagle attacks Kangaroo in Perth”.

St Kilda (14th) vs Melbourne (17th) @ Marvel Stadium, 7:25pm AEST

The game that could alternatively be known as The Dan Brown Cup, in honour of the strange man who wrote of the mighty battles between heavenly creatures and Demons.

I remember Robert Langdon got the 10 Coaches votes back in the year 2000, when he shut down David Neitz.

Back to the present, and following the Saints finally scoring 100 points, Seb Ross detailed how Brett Ratten simplified the game plan in just six days at Moorabbin.

“Kick goals.”

And they did.

As a result of their outstanding win against the Dogs, the Saints are planning on rewarding Ratts in their search for a new coach, by instead plotting to bring pry Ross Lyon back from Freo.

It just wouldn’t be the St Kilda Football Club without finding a way to light themselves on fire.

Meanwhile, Melbourne are just… Melbourne.

They do compete very well, but it’s Melbourne, so you just know something’s going to go wrong, even when they find a way to come back from 32 points down against the Eagles.

As a result of the Blues winning, the Dees have dropped to 17th in their mighty descent back to the 49th layer of footy hell, where Denis Pagan has been damned for eternity since his sacking from Carlton.

What an utter piss-up of a season.

To finish off, just one last note- If you’d like to rob your local TAB this weekend, just remember that St Kilda are currently 2-1 outsiders, so I’d suggest robbing your local Big 4 bank, and then investing your stolen profits into the TAB on the Saints, and then reaping the washed profits in the hundreds of thousands.

Port Adelaide (9th) vs GWS (6th) @ The Adelaide Oval, 7:10pm ACST

Thanks to Xavier Duursma, I can’t tell if Port Adelaide are more concerned about impersonating Robin Hood, or impersonating a footy team.

Based on their last fortnight, they’re not very good at doing either.

Meanwhile, led superbly by their skipper in… Toby Greene?, The Giants are apparently still alive in 2019, as they annihilated Collingwood following three straight defeats, and if they needed any motivation to make it two in a row, one of the true units of the game, Heath ‘The Heater’ Shaw, notches up the 300 game milestone.

Eat your heart out Beaver Menzies (GWS Giants)

Of course, thanks to his association with the Rat Pack at Collingwood, it very nearly didn’t happen.

There was the drive through Kew with Dids back in ’08, and then there was that time when he fancied himself the next Pete Rose… by betting on Nick Maxwell to kick the first goal.

In hindsight, he should’ve bet on an idiot playing for Collingwood doing the exact same thing in the future.


Sunday


Western Bulldogs (12th) vs Fremantle (11th) @ Marvel Stadium, 1:10pm AEST

Two stalwart names of the West are returning to the Dogs line-up; Ol’ Man River Dale Morris for his first game this season, and the son of Scotty West, Rhylee West, who will inevitably be called ‘Scott’ by Fox Footy.

In a true story which is out of the former ‘Dustin Fletcher Facts’ category, Dale played with Scotty at the Dogs for his last four seasons (2005-08).

In some further good news for the Doggies, Fremantle missed the flavour of the month (As per usual) and didn’t sack Ross The Boss, thanks to the Fyfe-less Wharfies defeating the Swans by a bee’s dick.

Absolutely typical of the Dockers to go against the trend of modern football, despite the sniping from 6PR and The West.

Sydney Swans (15th) vs Geelong (1st) @ The SCG, 3:20pm AEST

Gary Rohan finally returns to Sydney, back in the sort of form that pissed off Swans fans to no end- One kick last week, and 3 goals in his last 7 games.

If Paul Puopolo has turned into your reference point for small forward form, you’re probably screwed.

23 years ago, this matchup was the fabled “Plugger vs God” game, and now on Sunday, we’ll probably have “Flakey Blakey” vs “Gryan”.

The Swans’ season is probably finally dead following the loss to Freo in Perth, although it is Sydney, so like Rasputin, you can’t be sure they’re dead until they’re actually dead.

Despite being a game and percentage clear, the Cats have lost three out of their past five, including celebrating their 160th birthday in the most fitting way possible- A loss to Hawthorn.

The excuse being bandied out from Sleepy Hollow is that the team has been in a heavy training block since the start of July.

Usually, contenders save heavy training blocks for the start of August, but obviously since Geelong’s season will probably end in a Semi-Final, Chris Scott wanted to get it out of the way a month early.

Gold Coast (18th) vs Essendon (7th) @ Metricon Stadium, 4:40pm AEST

The Planes are absolutely flying, and as a result, Connor McKenna had the choice between a weekend on the Gold Coast, or going to his brother’s wedding back in the Emerald Isle.

Understandably, he chose his brother’s wedding in sunny Ireland, although I’m DISGUSTED to see the Irish taking part in the great Un-Australian tradition of holding weddings during footy season.

If you ask me, they should be deported back to Ireland.

As a result, the Bombers go in to the game without McKenna, skipper Dyson Heppell, and Masters Hurley, Hooker, Fantasia and Bellchambers.

Some Dons fans might be sweating bullets, considering the team’s history against teams in 18th- Although it is worth noting that they’ve won 2 of their 3 games against the last-placed team this season… which is more than they had in the previous 3 years.

But the Dons should be fine, given they’re playing a team whose sole highlight in 2019 is Ben King punching Michael Rischitelli.

Say, let’s see that again!


ENGLAND WERE BOWLED OUT FOR 85 BY IRELAND

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