JT’s Meaningless AFL Preview: Round 20

Pictured: Frank Lampard’s goal not being called by the referee

Just one week to go until Melbourne and Collingwood play each other in the LOL Bowl.


North Melbourne (14th) vs Hawthorn (11th) @ Marvel Stadium, 7:50pm AEST

The Roos chose this Friday to celebrate Rhyce Shaw’s hiring, and that small matter of their 150th Anniversary, quite fittingly on a Friday night (Which they pioneered), and against the Hawks, with whom they share so much history, mainly centered around playing each other 30 times in the 1970s.

I’m not kidding by the way- they really did play each other 30 times in a decade.

Anyway, for no reason, here’s my favourite highlight from those 150 glorious years- The ‘THIRTEEN!’ game by a nondescript Swans forward in 2012.

There’s something we don’t see anymore… a 100 point win.

Anyway, North’s 150th Anniversary isn’t even the milestone that people will care about this Friday night- It’s all about Silk Burgoyne playing his 373rd game, breaking Goodesy’s record for the most games played by an Indigenous player!

He’ll look very good in a Suns jumper next year.

On another note, ‘our’ season was basically ended last Saturday, with a display of kicking reminiscent of a team who had never experienced flukey Tasmanian winds, and capped by Grant Birchall tampering with Luke Hodge’s manhood.

(Channel Nine/Fox Footy) termed it as Birch pinching Hodgey’s “Nether regions”, because apparently a simple “Pinched his dick”, or “Tampered with his balls”, or “Tickled his John Thomas” wouldn’t suffice.

All things considered, there’s a million other things I could discuss, but North will somehow win, because nothing makes sense.


Essendon (6th) vs Port Adelaide (11th) @ Marvel Stadium, 1:45pm AEST

Whenever I think of the Bombers playing the Power, I can only think of the greatest zinger on a sign ever seen at a footy game.

It’s just a beautiful combination- The perfectly juvenile “Cop That Port Adelaide” on sticky-taped sheets of A4 paper, and that magnificent shit-eating grin.

I hope he’s there on Saturday, holding that sign up.

After Cale Hooker’s latest game-winning goal to extend the Dons’ winning streak to 5 in a row, esteemed threat to Victorian roads David King says ‘Two Dollar’ should start every game up forward, probably just so John Worsfold doesn’t have to swing him there when the game gets close in the 4th Quarter.

If Kingy said that, then the Dons are right in playing him in defence.

While the Bombers season goes from strength to strength, Kochie and Port have declared a FULL REVIEW of the club’s footballing department at the end of the year, which is as good as saying Ken Hinkley has the full support of the board.

Although in further proof that this is some kind of cultural reference to George Costanza trying to leave the Yankees, someone has now stepped in to take the blame from Ken and the players for the discord between the fans and club- Keith “Norwood Flog” Thomas.

But nevertheless, Kenny will carry on for now, and he’s already dropped a selection bombshell… by dropping Scott Lycett, in the latest case of persecution against dim-witted talls.

It’s foolproof.

‘Battle Of The Bridge’, Part 18


Greater Western Sydney (5th) vs Lesser Eastern Sydney (15th) @ GIANTS Stadium, 2:10pm AEST

Like most editions of the Sydney Derby, the hot favourites are right in finals contention, and the outsiders are a struggling minnow waiting for the season to end.

The Giants led for the entire game against Port, which you wouldn’t even realise, because they only ended up winning by a point, which their only supporter at the game celebrated gleefully.

That bloke has secured himself an appearance in those AFL Travel ads for the next 20 years.

Still, the Orange Soviets have jumped up to 5th, and they’ve still got a ton of winnable games like this one to come, plus Josh Kelly is due to come back.

Which means I’ve just cursed him, and he’ll suffer another injury very soon.

In a further blow for the Swans, Dane Rampe won’t feature in the game after he copped a falcon to the eye against the Cats, which would have to be the freakiest injury suffered by Dane Rampe since he broke his arm taking on a chain.

Rhyce Shaw’s appointment has headlined a big day for baldies in the league, and it’s been capped off by the news that 2012 Premiership Co-Captain Jarrad McVeigh will be joining this year’s list of retirees, after a series of old man’s injuries crippled his season.

17 years, 324 games, and he joins Reg Grundy as the latest member of the 2012 Swans to retire this year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick Smith and Kieran Jack get some form of a farewell as well- In Jack’s case, it’ll probably involve a middle finger.

Fremantle (12th) vs Geelong (1st) @ Optus Stadium, 2:35pm AWST

The West’s campaign to assassinate Ross Lyon is gaining steam, as they crunched the numbers,and determined that it would take $1 million to get rid of Ross The Boss, and destroy Fremantle’s soft cap in 2020.

The Freo furphies didn’t stop on Wednesday, as the Fox Sports cabal claimed that Freo tried offloading Shane Kersten’s 160k salary, so the Dockers could have a crack at keeping Lachie Neale.

Neale still ended up leaving to join Lord Fagan’s movement, and Kersten has now walked out on the club, surprising us all that he was still on Freo’s list prior to Wednesday.

That’s So Fremantle.

It made us forget that they managed to re-sign Peter Bell, plus going against the trend and actually managing to re-sign Connor Blakely.

Meanwhile, the Cats got straight on the red eye to the Swan River Colony after the win in Sydney, mainly so they could spend as much time as possible away from Geelong,

With all this japery about his future at Geelong, Tim Kelly came out straight away, and said that “… Right now to be honest I can’t really see myself anywhere else.”

A statement about Geelong, made from Fremantle Oval.

Freo didn’t kick a goal after quarter time the last time they played Geelong, and I wouldn’t be shocked if they did the exact same thing again.

Melbourne (17th) vs Richmond (4th) @ The MCG, 7:25pm AEST

After the dizzying heights of going goalless in a half of a Prelim Final in 2018, the Demons are back in familiar territory.

Being welded to 17th spot on the ladder.

They’re as big a disappointment as the Renault F1 team week after week, and after the Tigers run all over them in the last quarter in Tom Lynch’s 150th game, Simon Goodwin will use his catchphrase in his press conference after the game.

Completely stolen from /u/oceanlabxo

Adelaide (8th) vs St Kilda (13th) @ The Adelaide Oval, 7:10pm ACST

After getting pistol whipped by Carlton, Don Corleone Pyke called a meeting at his estate, treating his many hired goons to slices of pizza, before brutally shaving Tex Walker’s moustache off in front of the playing group, to send a message about what’s to come if they miss the Top 8 again.

Between Kenny Hinkley and Pykey, the species of ‘South Australian Coach’ has been placed on the endangered list, with the likes of Kane Cornes and The Advertiser keen to upgrade that to extinct.

Crows fans could be the only contingent of supporters praying that the AFLW comes back as soon as possible, because that’s the closest they’re going to get to winning a premiership for the next decade.

Meanwhile, the Saints are just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool with Ratts at the helm- A 100% strike rate of 100 points per game, and they’re flying into another game against the Crowies.

Which if Round 6 was any guide, means they’ll probably randomly get thumped.


Collingwood (6th) vs Gold Coast (18th) @ The MCG, 1:10pm AEST

An injury-crippled mess versus an injury-crippled mess.

Speaking of which, here’s a live look at Collingwood’s injury list after Round 19.

Apparently they’re down to somewhere between 27 to 31 players avaliable for Sunday, meaning they’re at worst, 2 injuries away from Eddie McGuire’s sons being placed on the Rookie List.

I think Bruce might be slobbering at that thought.

Unsurprisingly after this massacre of a season, the Pies are about to launch a FULL REVIEW into their medical team, who are responsible for more soft tissue injuries than The Weapon at Essendon a couple of years ago, and we all know how that ended….

With the Bombers losing 7 games in a row, to crash out of the finals race.

Meanwhile, the Suns may have lost 400 games in a row, but after last week, all I can say is God bless the Bombers and their ability to restore the confidence of bottom-placed teams.

Melbourne won their first game of the year after playing the Dons, the Swans won consecutive games, the Blues brought in David Teague, and now after coming within 40 seconds of winning last Sunday, the Suns are probably going to end Collingwood’s season.

Then again, they’ll probably get injured doing so.

Carlton (16th) vs West Coast Eagles (2nd) @ Marvel Stadium, 3:20pm AEST

Normally I’d run my mouth and say “The Blues are finally playing a good team, they’ll cop a reality check”, and then I remember that David Teague spotted a Top 4 team a 6-goal head start in his debut as coach, before running them down.

If they can knock off the Eagles with the aid the aid of the 2nd Place curse, then Juddy may as well give David Teague a blank cheque and a 20-year contract- And in accordance with Carlton tradition, a brown paper bag recycled by VISY.

Meanwhile, the Eagles go from strength to strength now that they’ve freed themselves of the anchor that was Shannon Hurn, easily picking off the road kill that was hopping around in blue and white to reclaim the cursed 2nd Place from the Lions.

Josh Kennedy covered about 6 weeks of form in the one half against the Roos, finishing the game with 7 goals, and bringing up his 600th career goal in the process.

See Josh, there is something better than those weird bacon burgers at Hungry Jack’s.

On another note, Elliott Yeo has reached game 150, and he’ll celebrate it by undertaking the easiest gig in footy- By playing on Patrick Cripps for an entire game.

Only true legends like Dylan Clarke can live to tell their tale of survival accomplishing that feat.

Brisbane Lions (3rd) vs Western Bulldogs (9th) @ The Gabba, 4:40pm AEST

Brothers and sisters, I witnessed another amazing story about the teachings of Lord Fagan this week.

Lions defender Alex Witherden admitted he wanted to leave Brisbane the moment he was drafted in 2016, which he confided in Lord Fagan, who simply showed young Alex his religious book on how to play football- Long story short, he’s signed until 2022.

Pre-Faganism: “I want to be traded to my home state”

Faganism: “I want to be here with my mates”

Those who denied the power of the footballing faith previously, cannot deny it now.

As for the Dogs, they’re right back in the finals race after easily disposing of an imploding Fremantle, despite watching Dale Morris have his knee buckle on him, but considering the Lions aren’t going to be renouncing Lord Fagan anytime soon, I’m penciling in the hosts to make it 8 on the bounce, and beat the Dogs for the first time in an even 4 years.

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