The Ashes: 1st Test Review

If this blog was a cricketer depicted in this photo, it would be Jason Roy. (Source:

Australia (284 & 7-487d) defeated England (374 & 146) by 251 runs @ Edgbaston

MOTM: Steven Peter Devereux Smith (144 & 142)


I had everything set to go on Saturday evening, so I’ll give you a basic gist of the original review:

Tim Paine is a cheerleader, and Matthew Wade is Buzz Lightweight.

I also called Chief Selector Trevor Hohns, ‘Trevor Horn’, so as you can cleary tell, it was a bit off.

The Aussies

When Australia were 122-8 on Day 1, and it was looking like a miracle couldn’t help them reach 150, my mind went back to Timmy Paine saying that if the Aussies are really clear and execute well, then they think their best cricket is good enough, and it didn’t matter if they were playing at Edgbaston or on The Moon.

What an incredibly arrogant thing to say, considering Australia have never won a Test match on The Moon.

And then of course, when all hope was lost at 8-122, it turned out the Aussies still had their three best batsmen in stock- Potassium Pete, Garry The GOAT, and of course, The BSB– Best Since Bradman- Staring down the Barmy Army in the Hollies Stand.

My word, what a fine selection of chants the lager louts had to prepare for 16 months since the ‘Sticky Near My Dicky’ fiasco.

“Same Old Aussies, Always Cheating!”– Anytime a DRS decision went England’s way… there were a few.

“Boooooooooooooo”– Very familiar to Western Australians.

“He’s got Sandpaper, in his hands!”– Even Davey enjoyed that one.

With efforts like that, Smithy was as much chance as mentally breaking, as the Barmy Army are of having a shower tomorrow.

Never the less, Smithy belted out another century against ___, making him the 2nd fastest batsman to reach 25 test centuries (Behind some guy called Don), Banana Boy belted out a very handy 44, and we had a chance.

Of course, the tabloids changed their tune after Smithy creamed them again on Day 4, and became the first Aussie to hit centuries in both innings of an Ashes test since Matty Hayden at The Gabba in 2002.

A beautiful photo of the greatest batsman we’ve seen, and Don Bradman.
(Twitter: Cricket Australia)

After his outstanding 1st innings performance, I was wondering why Matty Wade had been given yet another chance at International level, given his first innings had done more damage to Tasmania’s reputation than Jacqui Lambie’s quest for love.

And then of course, he strolled to the crease on Sunday, and pulled out a ripper 110 (Sealed with a reverse sweep too), his first century in some 6 years, and crucially helped push the run rate up past 4 an over.

That was the innings I was hoping Travis Head would play- And he got halfway there, before massively edging a slower ball from Ben Stokes.

Paine threw in his customary 34, then Patto and ‘CumDog’ got that lead up to 397, which meant that hilariously, the only Aussies not to reach double figures during the match were none other than Warner and Bancroft.

Then again, we should remember they are tail-enders posing as openers.

There was some concern that the Aussies had left it too late to try and bowl the English out, and that the match would turn into a repeat of Cardiff in ’09- Happy memories there.

The obvious difference is, we’ve now got Garry The GOAT to graze through the middle order, take a 6fer, and bring up 350 Test wickets.

Solid performances all around, which hasn’t been said often about Australian teams in English Ashes series this century.


They said Edgbaston is an impregnable fortress.

But I imagine little Alf Langer paraphrased Bronn in Game of Thrones, and said “Give me 11 good men, and I’ll impregnate the bitch.”

Remember when Rory ‘Joe’ Burns smacked 133 and looked like SIR Alastair Cook, Joe Root failed to convert yet another half-century and was Rooted on 57, and Ben Stokes added a half-century and looked like pushing the lead past 150?

How time flies.

There were more than a few strugglers for the Poms- Johnny Bairstow is apparently a worthless ginger who should cough up his gloves, Jos Buttler exists, and poor old Mooen Ali had an absolute mare, being dismissed for the ninth time by his eternal tormentor Garry, and capping that off, he was bowling beamers…. despite being an off-spinner.

Here’s a revised ‘Jolene’ chant the Barmy Army can use at Lord’s… assuming Ali does survive the chop.

“Moeen, Moeen, Moeen Moeeeeeen, I’m begging with you please don’t bowl, Mooen.”

“Mooen, Moeen, Moeen Moeeeeen, Please don’t beam him just because you can.”

Then after Australia had razed Birmingham to the ground, and the Poms had to at least attempt to show discipline and bat out the final day, Jason Roy did what he does best, and got a rush of blood to his privates and tried charging Garry… which predictably led to his embarrassing end.

Of course, the only Englishmen to display some form of competency with a bat on Monday was Chris Woakes, which should perfectly describe why the Poms were bowled out for 146, and lost horribly.

Not that I’m crying about it.

Other Notes

Of course, if there was two rugged individuals who had a worse time of it than England, it was the two supposed umpires, ALEEM Dar and JOEL (Pronounced Joe-L) Wilson.

How many overturned decisions was it inside the first two days? 10? 300?

Apparently Wilson ended the game with 8 decisions overturned in the one match, equalling the unwanted record for an umpire.

And that wasn’t even including those weird LBW calls that weren’t reviewed which were either missing leg (Like Warner), or one that Lyon delivered to Burns on Day 2 that was smashing leg stump.

Some of those decisions were so baffling, that by Day 3, I was PINING for characters of yesteryear, like Rudi Koertzen with his slow finger of death, Billy Bowden’s crooked finger of doom, and Steve Bucknor, still popular in India after the ’08 New Year’s Test.

It led to another ‘Jofra Archer is Nostradamus’ Tweet… from 2016.

He is one weird cat.


So in all, this match went from Australia being 122-8 and England turning our plumbs blue, to the Best Since Bradman returning from exile to confirm he’s the Best Since Bradman, Australia winning at Edgbaston for the first time in 18 years, and England losing their best strike bowler in living memory for the rest of the series, plus whatever sense of dignity they had.

And now we head to Lord’s, where I’m absolutely certain ‘Trevor Horn’ will completely piss up this momentum, and drop the wrong player for Mitchell Starc, because rotation policies are cool.

And now, I’ll part you with Kevin Rudd’s thoughts on the match.

Categories: Cricket

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