AFL

The Meaningless AFL Review: Round 21, 2019

“ON THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAAAAMBEAU FIELD.”

Friends, we may very well have just witnessed the spuddiest weekend in the VFL/AFL since at least 1899.

GWS rack up their lowest ever score in conditions unseen this side of the Equator, The Score Review proving it’s still being used by sporons, the Suns were annihilated by a record score in the Pineapple Grapple, North Melbourne racked up their lowest score in their VFL/AFL history….

And then there was Essendon, sitting there in the corner, as everyone looked on wondering if he was brain damaged.


Hawthorn (13.7-85) defeated GWS (4.5-29) @ Hoth Manuka Oval

WE WERE PROMISED A SNOWBOWL, AND WE GOT A SNOWBOWL.

GWS may have a Heater in their team, but they still froze to death in conditions unseen during an AFL game- At one point during the HISTORIC 1st Quarter snow flurry, the apparent temperature dropped to -8 Celsius on the BOM.

It was as cold as Scott Morrison’s heart.

The attitude of both teams in the snowy conditions was summed up pretty clearly- Jeremy Cameron was seen on camera just before Quarter Time freezing his tits off and shivering, but I once went and hid behind a tree when it started bucketing during school footy, so I can’t blame Jezza.

On the other hand, the Hawks completely embraced the frozen hellhole that is Canberra- Isaac Smith was running around in his pink jocks on Thursday, Alastair Clarkson showed his big rig in a pre-game run, and they were all pissing themselves laughing when it kept snowing during Quarter Time

Insert cocaine joke here

The snow disappeared after Quarter Time, as did the Giants, and amazingly, we ended up getting a Hawthorn game decided by more than 40 points for the first time all season.

Funnily enough, if you combined the aggregate score of GWS from both Hawks-Giants games this year (9.13-67) they’d still lose to Hawthorn’s Round 8 score by 4 points.

Just think- This team was a Top 4 contender on Thursday evening.

On a parting note, I liked what i saw from Changkuoth Jiath, who was described many times by Bristle and Bruce as “athletic”, which was coincidentally also used to describe Majak Daw, Aliir Aliir, and Mabior Chol.

I reckon Jiath’s name could seamlessly fit into the Theme From Shaft… which is not intended to be racist in any way.

If silk had a voice, it was Isaac Hayes

“Who’s the cat that won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about?”

“Jiath!”

“Right on.”

“You see this cat Jiath is a baaaad mother-

“SHUT YO MOUTH!”

“But I’m talking about Jiath!

“Then we can dig it!”

He’s a complicated man, but no one understands him but Al Clarkson!

GWS with Tom Scully: Go unbeaten for 4 years against the Hawks

Hawthorn with Tom Scully: Sweep GWS for the first time


Collingwood (10.10-70) defeated Melbourne (7.11-53) @ The MCG

Collingwood: “We need percentage!”

Also Collingwood “We’re 6 goals up at 3/4 time, let’s rest players and let the Demons kick junktime goals.”

It speaks volumes to this weekend that Melbourne can once comfortably lose a game where they held the Pies goalless in the 1st Quarter… and still not be the biggest laughing stock from the afternoon.

The Score Reviewers apparently did again.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU MAKE A DECISION BASED ON THE KICK THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE KICK AT GOAL.

DON’T COME OUT AND SAY IT WASN’T, BECAUSE THE BABOONS RUNNING THAT CRAPPY SYSTEM LOOKED AT THE EXACT SAME SHOTS WE SAW.

It’s not the technology, it’s the inbreds you put in charge of it.

Instead of shutting down the score review, why don’t we hurl bricks at the idiots every time they get a decision wrong?

Anyway, apparently Collingwood did alright regardless.


Port Adelaide (15.13-103) defeated Sydney Swans (7.14-56) @ The Adelaide Oval

Cameron Sutcliffe kicking a goal after the siren to get the Power into the Top 8 at the expense of the Crows has to got to be the greatest goal after the siren at the Adelaide Oval since the last goal after the siren against the Adelaide Oval.

Funnily enough, Jeremy McGovern’s goal occurred exactly one year ago, so let’s remind ourselves of that amazing moment that destroyed Port’s 2018 season.

What a difference a year makes.

Port managed to win back-to-back games for the first time since Rounds 5-6, and Kenny Hinkley’s fictional quest to get the sack continues to hit roadblocks, with his team’s sudden discovery of form at the right time of the season.

His attempt to keep skipper Ollie Wines out of the team failed, after Zac Butters was withdrawn with a side trained, allowing Thunder Thighs to maintain his place.

The win really was set up in the ruck, and I could be wrong, but there was approximately 20 centre hit-outs, and Ladhams and Ryder won every single one, against the mighty combination of Reid and Aliir Aliir.

It seemed like this Sydney performance was the exact same as a few of the games they’ve played against top teams this year- Be competitive for a half, before fading away as the better team took control.

I’m pretty sure I said the exact same thing about them against the cats a fortnight ago.

At the very least, this has equalled the Swans’ worst season of the past 25 years, as they now sit on 14 losses, equalling the 2009 team’s record.

They are playing Melbourne next week, so the AFL may as well move them on to 7-14 right now.


Brisbane Lions (22.12-144) defeated Gold Coast (8.5-53) @ The Gabba

The Faganism Bible: Chapter 21, Verse 21.

PINEAPPLE STATUS= GRAPPLED

In the Holy War for Queensland footballing supremacy, the Faganists battled the Dews from the Coast of Gold, and thus, at the mighty odds of $1.05, Lord Fagan’s disciples inflicted the greatest slaughter seen in the history of the Pineapple Grapple.

14 consecutive goals between the 2nd and 4th Quarters, as the margin blew out from 20 points approximately 2 minutes before Half Time, to a 100 point percentage booster, and it would be alarming for any team to concede approximately 14 goals in a row, but it’s the broken, withering corpse that is the Suns, so the response is just “Yeah, and?”

I was hoping that Jarryd Lyons would earn the Marcus Ashcroft Medal for his 34 disposals and 2 goals just to rub more crap into the Suns for letting him go for peanuts, but alas, it had to be Sir Charles Cameron, who once again looked like kicking 10 goals early into the 3rd Quarter, before finishing with a career best 6 goals.

He ended up being the only player this weekend to outscore the Big Three of GWS, North and Essendon, and I don’t know who’s selecting the All-Australian forward line this year, but if Charlie Cameron isn’t selected in the forward pocket over some useless out of position resting midfielder, I’ll write them an angry letter, AND I DON’T CARE IF THEY DON’T READ IT.

This is now the 3rd longest winning streak in the history of the Brisbane Lions, behind the 10 in a row from 1999, and the 20 in a row they won between 2001-02, which included Part One of the Threepeat.

It’s a tough ask, but with the way Lord Fagan’s disciples are playing, they should be able to reach it by the end of May 2020.

In conclusion: HOIST IT!


Grian Miers (3.1-19) defeated Norf (1.8-14) @ GMHBA Stadium

Even the kids in the Middle East know about Norf

The Roos had one goal in mind on Saturday night.

And that’s exactly what they achieved, as not even two games into his full-time gig, Megamind is already breaking club records- This time, the Roos recorded their lowest score in the VFL/AFL era (1925-), and the 2nd lowest of any club in the AFL era (1990-), just missing Fremantle’s record of 1.7-13 from 2009.

That score is so bad, GWS could’ve had a percentage booster.

Another great tick of approval for the AFL in 2019 was allowing two teams with predominantly white jumpers and blue & white hooped socks to face each other, but as the game wore on, it was easy to tell apart Geelong from North, because the Cats were the only team kicking goals.

Specifically Gryan Miers, who once again made history, by becoming the first Gryan to outscore an AFL team.

North Melbourne’s night was best summed up by Scott Thompson, who not even two days after he announced his retirement, was taken off due to smacking his head into the ground, but not before being turned into Quasimodo after a nasty head clash with Tim Kelly.

In an amazing case of medicine, it appears Scotty’s ruptured testicle from that night at The Gabba has worked its way into his forehead!


Western Bulldogs (21.11-137) defeated Essendon (4.9-33) @ Marvel Stadium

If you combine the scores from the AFL, VFL and VFLW, then the final scoreline actually reads:

Footscray Football Club 47.31-313 defeated Essendon Football Club 9.17-71

The performance of the Dogs was so beautiful- Josh Dunkley in particular- That I was in tears.

Of laughter.

Essendon have produced some amazing Essingtons under John Worsfold, but this one has to top the lot.

It was so funny, that when Tippa finally kicked the Dons’ 2nd goal with 5 minutes left, the Dogs cheersquad stood up and applauded them.

10/10 real life shitposting.

I’m amazed Dermott Brereton didn’t die of laughter live on Fox Footy, knowing that his last living memory was that the club he despises the most had just lost by 104 points.

It’s far better than dying in a Frankston nightclub.

The scorn after the game was fierce from the few Bombers that hadn’t jumped on the Craigieburn line, and the one fan in particular that managed to become the face of this backlash was a bloke who appears to be former Essendon stalwart Adam Cooney, who appeared to be very unhappy that his former team had performed so poorly against his former team.

Photo: Michael Willson

Never change Essendon, you bring joy to everyone….

Except your own fanbase.


AND AT STUMPS ON SATURDAY NIGHT….


St Kilda (10.12-72) defeated Fremantle (10.9-69) @ Marvel Stadium

Well, that’s Freo’s season done.

This was a round full of historically crap performances, and yet, neither of the usual suspects in Freo or St Kilda were one of them.

Instead, this was arguably the best match of the round.

In fact, it WAS the best match of the round… mainly because it was close, because by gee by jingo by crikey, some of the disposal on display was just crap.

Saints fans were at half mast pre-game, as Jack Steven, the Boy From Lorne On The Great Ocean Road, made his long awaited return from some well-publicised mental health struggles, and without him, quite simply put, the Saints would’ve lost.

22 disposals and 3 goals for Jacky in what was a mighty fine return, and on the flip side for Freo, if Nat Fyfe doesn’t get Brownlow votes out of this game, then it’s going to be the worst decision made by the umpires today, and if both sets of fans are to be believed, there were plenty of them.

There’s something wonderfully comedic about watching Saints fans melt at the tiniest of umpiring decisions going against them.

That’s what 146 years of ineptitude will do to humans.

It was Eleni Glouftsis that seemed to come under fire again, because like Razor Ray, she suffers from the fact that she’s an umpire that fans know the name of.

Then again, in a classic case of ‘If Your Aunty Had Balls’, if Eleni was a man , it’d just be another typical umpire bashing.

Anyway, Brett Ratten- Give him the job.


Richmond (11.7-73) defeated Carlton (6.9-45) @ The MCG

Mitch McGovern came back to the Blues after a month at fat camp, and the whispers from Princes Park are true- He really is a new player.

He’s wearing his socks up now.

Much like pretty much every game not played at Docklands in the South-East corner of the Australian mainland, the weather had a big say in the game, to the point that the ‘G resembled a genuine Heavy 10 by the 4th Quarter.

When it was clear, the Tigers played with the confidence of a team that knew they mathematically could no longer finish 9th, which is pretty much what enabled them to score a pretty stock standard win.

Then as the rain worsened, and the shorts of a few Blues players resembled a bad case of the runs, they were able to grind the game down and keep it close, without being able to get a serious run-on going, unless Shai Bolton was giving away 100 metre penalties.

And that was pretty much it- the Tigers make it 9 wins in a row against the Blues (Which could be a record), 7 wins in a row in 2019, and the Blues have reunited with their former flame, The Honourable Loss.


West Coast Eagles (13.12-90) defeated Adelaide (12.8-80) @ Optus Stadium

Against all odds, Bunga has once again cemented his spot back in the Eagles side, and he tied Drew Banfield for 5th on the Eagles’ games played leaderboard.

I’m convinced Drew Banfield never actually existed- He played in the 1994 Premiership, disappeared for over a decade, then somehow re-emerged in 2006, played in that Premiership, and was never seen again.

In the 1st Half, it was the presence of Fogzilla and the Sloane Ranger that kept the Crows in the game, as the Eagles struggled to find a weak spot to attack on his scaly exterior.

The Eagles would kick a few goals in a row and get out to a 20+ point lead, and then the Crows would kick the next few goals in a row and keep the game close.

The moment the Eagles broke clear was when the Crows lost Sloane to an eye problem in the 3rd Quarter, after he was taken out by a crude elbow from that thug Matt Crouch.

Ever since the O’Hailpin-Cloke fight, the AFL have been very slack on teammate violence, and I find it very disapponting.

But somehow, the Crows didn’t give up, and they can take heart from that, but without that dynamite edge that Sloane provides in the middle, the Eagles were always ahead in the 2nd Half.

In conclusion, it was actually a decent game, the Eagles did enough and still fell to 3rd, the Crows lost, but they weren’t terrible, and Fogzilla kicked 5 goals at the age of 19!

He really is a monster in waiting.

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