AFL

The Meaningless AFL Review: Round 22, 2019

He must be one hell of a snorer.

SOUTH AUSTRALIA: 14.22-106 defeated by STRIPEY BOYZ: 39.22-256

WA 20.17-137 defeated by SASH BOYZ 26.19-175


Sydney (15.5-95) defeated Smellbourne Lemons (5.12-42) @ The MCG

There’s only one thing to talk about from this mutilated frog of a game.

BT randomly making Hawk noises.

Originally posted by /u/Slats7

Carlton (11.12-78) defeated St Kilda (10.8-68) @ The MCG

A pretty decent contest, but of course as we all saw, it wasn’t even the best contest on Saturday afternoon.

When the Saints kicked 6 goals in a row and got out by 24 points in the 2nd term, I thought to myself, “Hahahaha, I’ve scabbed another tip!”

And then I remembered, puny 4 goal deficits are nothing for full-time coach David Teague and his out of control Teague Train, after Juddy cut the brakes on Thursday.

Despite the happy ending, Patrick Cripps had a slightly painful 100th game, as he spent the morning in hospital with an ear infection, and even after being reduced to a defensive decoy, he still had to put up with Victorian police officers masquerading as Saints players trying to arrest him in stoppages.

That’s a clear free kick to St Kilda, as you can clearly see Crippa holding a piece of Steele’s jumper.

In response to this brutal treatment, Carlton dropped the H-Bomb on the Saints, and won the game.

Brisbane Lions (10.15-75) defeated Geelong (10.14-74) @ The Gabba

THE FAGANISM BIBLE: CHAPTER 22, VERSE 22

Those are exactly my sentimonies

Remember the days when people mocked the teachings of Faganism?

Neither do I.

With two down on the bench, trailing for 98% of the game, the spectacled religious leader of Queensland footy simply clicked his fingers and pulled his latest miracle… by turning Lincoln McCarthy into Gary Moorcroft.

A reward for his 50th game, and just to rub crap into his old team.

Without a doubt, that was the defining moment of a superb 1st vs 2nd brawl- The Ekka raging across town, 28 degree temperatures, the best Gabba crowd of the year at 35,608, Sir Charles Cameron keeping the Brisbane life support machine intact, the Cats leading all day, and in the end, there were scenes post-game that might be the spiritual successor to the Miracle On Grass.

On the flip side, Cats coach Chris Scott made some rather interesting comments post-game, centered around the influence of Cameron, who kicked a rather disappointing 5 goals 2 behinds, and pretty much proved the difference on the scoreboard.

“I didn’t think he had a huge influence on the game, That was my initial reaction.”

Snotty

YEAH CHRIS, THE GUY WHO KICKED 5 GOALS IN A LOW SCORING GAME DIDN’T HAVE MUCH OF AN IMPACT.

Then again, Scotty once claimed blowing a 5 goal lead to Hawthorn was “Mission Accomplished”- The Cats lost again to the Hawks a fortnight later.

He really does look and sound like what would happen if someone stuck a voice box in one of those laughing clowns from the circus.

I’m surprised people don’t randomly throw white table tennis balls at his mouth and ask for a prize.

TL;DR- IT’S TIME TO HOIST IT FOR THE 16TH TIME IN 2019!

I’ll finish off this chapter with another SHOCKING coincidence.

In the second-last round of 1996, the Brisbane Bears trailed by 9 points at 3/4 time at the Gabba, before winning by a point to go top of the ladder.

In the second-last round of 2019, Brisbane trailed by 9 points at 3/4 time at the Gabba, before winning by a point to go top of the ladder.

Collingwood (17.12-114) defeated Adelaide (6.12-48) @ AAMI Park

I don’t know why so many nuffies and news outlets were so quick to write off Adelaide’s chances for the Top 8, when this performance got them back into the Top 8 on Saturday night!

The Crows go ahead on boundaries scored

Of course, they’ve since dropped to 10th.

But conversely, the most popular Google searches in Adelaide on Saturday night were, “How much do Port have to lose by for the Crows to get back into the 8”, and “When does the AFLW start”.

The answers to both searches were “No.”

Outside of Fogzilla kicking a few cheapies and Eddie Betts kicking what was the most meaningless of all 33 previous 600th goals early in the final quarter it was an utterly pitiful performance when they could least afford an utterly pitiful performance, and I wouldn’t be surprised if most of this Crows team feigned injuries next week, so they don’t have to go to Ballarat and get thumped by the Dogs.

There’s going to be several players named “Ress Serve” and “Sub Stitute” popping up in organised basketball leagues around the City Of Churches.

The flipside is that the Pies are still unbeaten when resident talisman John Noble plays in the team, Brodie Grundy will be avoiding signing with the Crows like King Arthur avoided Camelot, and they jumped ahead of Richmond on percentage, putting everyone in black and white in the position of having to support the Eagles to stay in the Top 4.

It went as well as playing them in a Grand Final after being 5 goals up.

North Melbourne (22.12-144) defeated Port Adelaide (8.10-58) @ Marvel Stadium

Nights like Saturday evening can be used as proof that the State of South Australia exists for the sole purpose of being the country’s punching bag.

Adelaide: “We’re the biggest disappointment of South Australian footy!”

Port Adelaide: “Hold my West End.”

This was like the two most inconsistent fortnights in the history of organised sports intersected, and passed each other by 5 minutes into the game.

The only goalscoring turnaround that could be compared to North was Melbourne in 1991- They kicked 2 goals in Round 1 against West Coast, and then kicked 27 in Round 2 against Fitzroy.

Darren Bennett kicked 8 goals in the latter… the next thing you know, he was punting for the San Diego Chargers and introducing the drop punt to the Seppos.

Still, 8 goals was nothing compared to what Ben Brown did to Port’s backline.

After we all spent 5 months worrying that the AFL go an entire season without a player kicking 8 goals in a game for the first time since the years immediately before Peter Hudson, the current greatest Tasmanian spearhead trotted out and kicked the first bag of 10 by a Roo since 1999, only to horribly miss his attempt at goal No.11, which he was rightfully booed for.

As a result, he’s played himself into the lead of the Coleman, and another overlooking from the All-Australian selectors.

But apparently, forwards apparently don’t decide games, so instead, best afield honours went to the All-Australian Hebrew, Todd Goldstein, who was one of approximately 20 Roos players to record 30+ disposals, as he turned back the clock by delivering an old-fashioned arse kicking to Paddy Ryder and Peter ‘Steamed’ Ladhams in the ruck, which kind of made Kenny’s choice to leave Scott Lycett in the SANFL look as dickheaded as Kochie.

You may be an odd fellow Todd, but you steam a good Ladhams.

What a bloody funny night, and of course, the kicker is that Port would be in 10th right now, had Darcy Byrne-Jones not spoiled through a North rushed behind with a minute to go.

Essendon (13.9-87) defeated Fremantle (7.13-55) @ Optus Stadium

I CAN’T CARRY IT FOR YOU MR FRODO… BUT I CAN CARRY YOU!

Guess we figured out who was carrying Sandi off.

As you can clearly see, Hayden Ballantyne was given one last hurrah, before he follows in his dad’s footsteps and begins a lengthy career training horses.

It’s quite appropriate that injury prone nag will be training injury prone nags- I’d give Ballas a chance at getting Jesse Hogan fit for the Perth Cup.

Anyway, they’re old has-beens, so it’s time to focus on the real story.

It appears that the difference between Essendon playing normally or morphing into Essington like a werewolf during a full moon, is none other than Adam Saad.

He hurts his hamstring and misses a game- They Essington things up and concede 21 consecutive goals, ultimately losing by 104 points.

He comes back in, and the Dons look like a normal, functioning member of Australian society, capable of winning games and comfortably making the finals- Which coincidentally, they did on the back of this win!

Obviously, there were other inclusions, such as the latest inclusion in the freaky deaky nicknames club: Brandon Zerk-Thatcher, the man who is part Zerk, part Iron Lady.

See you necks week Brandon

It wasn’t surprising that a player with a surname like Thatcher would hate a team nicknamed after people with strong connections to trade unions.

Anyway, a night of true nostalgia for Freo fans- The classic guernsey, and a classic craptacular performance to match.

Richmond (13.10-88) defeated West Coast Eagles (13.4-82) @ The MCG

Even when they’re not even playing them, West Coast have found another way to screw over Collingwood, much to our amusement.

It was a big effort by Eddie McGuire to call the game for Fox, wiping away the tears throughout the call, as his hopes and dreams for the Pies’ season were drowned by a sea of Yellow & Black.

Sort of, but not like the other Top 4 brawl yesterday, the weather was a huge factor in the game- The Eagles were skinning pelts with the kick & mark gameplan when the game was clear in the 1st Quarter, racking up their best opening term at the ‘G (7.1), and then those Richmond cheaters mashed L1 L2 R1 R2 R2 R1 L2 Circle on the controller, and it started pissing down.

Much like most of the human race, the rain didn’t stay for long in Geelong.

29 points down at Quarter Time, and the team known alternately as ‘Rainmond’ started absolutely dominating general play, and the Eagles kicked 2 goals for the next hour, with only their solid 1st Quarter goalkicking keeping them alive.

After the Tigers went 13 points up in the last quarter and looked set to grind the game down and win well through sheer momentum, the Eagles kicked a rare goal thanks to Willie Rioli, and then out of nowhere, we had a game of the season contender.

Within the span of 15 minutes, Lynch kicked a goal after getting a direct handball from Tom Barrass (Who promptly decapitated him), Cripps responded, Jake Waterman (Quite appropriately named) kicked a goal from the Dom Sheed Pocket to cut the margin to a point, Lynch kicked another one with the quick snap, Kennedy tied the scores, and then Jack Riewoldt kicked what turned out to be the winner with 4 minutes to go, and the rest of the game was both teams trying desperately to get a score, all to no avail.

Thus, Richmond’s chances of a Top 4 finish are a simple equation- Beat Brisbane next week, and if the Tigers had have lost today, then the umpires might have left the ‘G via Brunton Avenue in the back of an ambulance, after Riewoldt was called twice for going studs up in a marking contest.

It’s not the umpires they should be abusing, it’s that little Alfred E. Neuman lookalike Toby Greene for causing this mess.

Western Bulldogs (19.12-126) defeated GWS (9.11-65) @ GIANTS Stadium

GWS ARE THE FIRST TEAM SINCE UNIVERSITY IN 1911 TO GO CONSECUTIVE GAMES WITH GOALLESS 2ND HALVES

Let that sink in- The last time the Giants kicked a 2nd Half goal, admired individuals like Peter Fonda and Polly Farmer were still alive.

This was the first time that the Giants and Dogs had faced off at the old Showground since that fairly memorable day in September 2016, that left most us breathless, and those folks with respiratory problems clinging to life.

This wasn’t quite a Prelim Final, but in the period from the 5 minutes before Half-Time through to the final siren, the Dogs played to an even higher standard than they did on that day in 2016, and sure, the umpiring was just as dodgy, but just like the dear old Dons last week, they utterly destroyed the Giants root and stem, to the tune of 12 consecutive goals.

Pfft, 12 consecutive goals…. I once saw a Dogs team kick 21 in a row.

Just think- After Round 14, the Giants were comfortably in 3rd spot at 9-4, and the Dogs were 15th at 5-8.

2 months on, the Giants are barely clinging on to 6th spot, with Leon Cameron losing the keys to the Ferrari down a drain, and the Dogs are a 99.5% chance of finishing in the Top 8, playing arguably the best footy of any team south of the Murray, and with a huge amount of upside still to come.

Ah crap, it’s 2016 all over again.

The Giants may very well cling on to 6th, and they better thank Travis Auld, because they’re playing the Suns next Saturday.

Hawthorn (18.10-118) defeated Gold Coast (7.6-48) @ Marvel Stadium

What a superb performance from the Hawks- Giving Roughy the greatest send off since John Farnham’s 495th comeback with a bag of 6, as they finally scored 100 points in a game for the first time all season… against the cripples, Geelong rejects and young boys that compromise Stewie Dew’s Suns, which could draw unfair comparisons to Jason Gillespie’s historic knock in Chittagong.

Unfair for Dizzy, because I’m pretty sure that Bangladeshi attack was international standard- Most of this Suns team couldn’t get a game in backyard footy… in their own house.

This really was the epitome of a meme game- Nobody manned up, the disposal efficiency was about 20 points above average, there was next to no tackling pressure, the umps said “Bugger it” and put the whistle away, and the Hawks players were sacrificing very kickable shots at goal just to hit up Big Rough inside 50.

At times, even the Suns players were trying to get Roughy a few goals, especially when he was being dragged down 70 metres off the ball in the 3rd Quarter, which led to Goal No.3.

They did seem to start playing him more seriously after that, although of course it meant the likes of O’Brien, Wingard and the Worpedo pumped the Hawks full of enough percentage to bump us up to 9th before the big farewell in Perth, because if history tells us anything, the Eagles will probably run out of lubricant by the time the final siren sounds.

IF THIS WAS YOUR LAST GAME, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING ROUGHY… ESPECIALLY THAT MULLET.

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