JT’s Meaningless AFL Preview: Semi Finals

Wanker bumper stickers on your forehead- 1994 was a different time.

That still is real, and it was discovered while watching a replay of the 1994 Grand Final.

Funnily enough, that bumper sticker turned out to be prophetic, as West Coast did have a wank that day… to the tune of 80 points.

And on another note before getting stuck in, today marks 10 years since the Crows lost the 2nd Semi Final of 2009 thanks to a Jack Anthony free kick goal…. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!


Geelong vs West Coast Eagles @ The MCG, 7:50pm AEST

The classic finals rivalry of the early 1990s resumes again, but then again, it wasn’t really a rivalry, given the Eagles were always beating the crap out of the Cats.

Of course, I’m obliged to bring up that the Pivotonians were the team responsible for the Premiership Cup finally leaving Victoria in 1992, when the entire state plus Jeff Kennett jumped aboard in a desperate display of state pride.

Jeff Kennett supporting Geelong… frightening stuff.

Of course, the reason the Cats are here again is due to their latest beating at the hands of Collingwood The Bye, featuring yet another slow 1st Quarter, which was best summed up by Harry Taylor attempting to either shepherd or kill Jaidyn Stephenson, only to barely make contact and block Zac Tuohy instead, allowing Stephenson to streak clear and hit up Jamie Elliott as easily as putting on a four leg multi.

Elliott finished it off with a goal, and the black and white blur that apparently resembled Collingwood won the game.

Aside from that, the only other problems for the Cats included their ridiculously slow ball movement (Should go very well against West Coast’s halfbacks), deciding to play Mark Blicavs in the ruck against Brodie Grundy (Hello Rhys Stanley), which managed to simultaneously kill their backline and their ruck division, and the usual minor problem of players going missing in big games.

Withdrawing your leading ruckman before playing the All-Australian ruckman due to misreading a BOM radar… A selection move that makes as much sense as bringing in Mitch Marsh as a human victory cigar for the last Test of an Ashes series that still isn’t decided.

Of course, Chris Scott did claim in his press conference that despite all that, the Cats were “Probably” the better team from the 14 minute mark onwards, a phrase uttered as he bottled a fart for later personal use.

The Eagles had it far easier on Thursday night, managing to win a final as the defending premier for the first time since 1993, and finally managing to reach the final frontier of defeating Essendon in a final… at the 6th time of asking.

It was dominant performance from start to finish- Jamie Cripps and Josh Kennedy kicked 4 goals apiece, Jeremy McGovern had a solid evening of marking drills courtesy of the Bombers midfield, and Nic Nat sent a few players home in body bags, the most noteable being Zac Merrett, who was wasted when he tried pulling the big fella’s dreads, like a silly child touching a Bullmastiff’s tail and being bitten as a result.

Back in Round 6, the Cats walloped the Eagles by 58 points down the highway, and Gary Rohan kicked 4 goals.

Of course, this is a final, so Gary will be lucky to record 4 disposals.

In conclusion, this stinks of a classic case of “Elimination Final winner looks like they’ll beat Qualifying Final loser”, only for the Top 4 team to turn it around and win (Case in point for Geelong- 2017 against a red hot Swans).

And of course, the Cats’ form since the bye reads L-W-L-W-L-W-L-W-L-W-L.

Universal balance dictates that the Pivotonians will somehow and someway win, Chris Scott will be declared King of Geelong for his decision to bring in Rhys Stanley…. and then it’ll all go back to normal when they realise Richmond are on the other side.

Brisbane Lions vs GWS @ The Gabba, 7:25pm AEST

For only the second time in recorded history, it’s Queensland vs New South Wales in an AFL final.

The only other recorded instance is the 2003 Prelim between the Lions and Swans, which ended rather well for the Queenslanders… unlike the last two Origin series.

The Lions were right in the Rumble In The Jungle during the 1st Half, but they were taught the valuable lesson of the self-cripple (Faganism Bible Chapter 24, Verse 24) by kicking 8.17, and to cap off the evening, their slightly crazed spiritual leader Mitch Robinson hurt his harmstring and won’t be out there on Saturday night.

The loss of Robbo is big, especially with the way he relished acting as an enforcer after Port tried going the knuckle on Lachie Neale in Round 17, and given the way the Giants effectively bashed Marcus Bontempelli out of the game and took his eyeballs as trophies.

I like how he randomly pulls Bont’s hair as well

Despite the reigniting of the ‘Screw’ Toby Greene bandwagon, everyone’s favourite self-defence expert ultimately escaped the Tribunal with a hefty fine, after his father acted as his defence attorney.

“My Toby is not a grub! He may be a martial artist, an eye gouger, a grub- but he is NOT a porn star!”

Of course, on the back of sacrificing Brett Deledio’s calf to get another finals win (That’s 4 years in a row), the Giants have a good record at the Gabba, where they’ve won on their last 4 visits dating back to 2014, which led to this startling revelation.

Wow, what an incredible record….


Anyway, the godless Orange Soviets versus the Followers of Fagan.

Another brutal battle awaits.

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