The Meaningless AFL Review: 2019 Semi Finals

Forensic analysis by Channel 7 rubs out Tom Hawkins

And thus, there were four in it- Richmond, Geelong, Collingwood, GWS.

The great thing is, whichever team wins it, everyone loses.

Geelong (13.10-88) defeated The Weeagles (10.8-68) @ The MCG

“Win, loss, win, loss, win, loss, win, loss, win, loss, win, loss, win…. loss.” – Bristle

The balance of the universe has not been altered- The Cats have followed a loss with a win.

All it took was bringing in a ruckman and having an excuse to drop Gary Rohan to do it- Bravo Scotty, you coaching genius.

Of course, the game was thrown into shambles on Thursday, with ‘Willie Vanilli’ Rioli being busted for providing ASADA with something that apparently wasn’t urine back in August.

Here’s a tip- If it didn’t resemble urine and come from Willie’s willy, it’s probably not urine.

I wonder what that room looked like when the testers discovered that slightly unusual sample jar.

Urine substitution.


Back in my day, a West Coast drug scandal was full of entertaining stuff like cocaine and near-fatal Las Vegas benders… none of this stuff about literally taking the piss.

Flyyyyying high!

On to the game, and having had their little Willie circumcised from the team, the Eagles looked flat in the 1st Quarter, as Geelong played with the sort of confidence of a team not coming off a bye.

The big difference from last week was that they actually showed up in the 1st Quarter, and had the Eagles on the back foot from the word go by kicking the opening 3 goals.

Despite how close it was for the next two quarters, I don’t think the Eagles ever truly recovered from that shock.

The lead blew out past 5 goals in the 2nd Quarter, and it looked like the Pussies were going to win by even more, but as Pies fans can attest, a 5 goal lead against the Eagles in a final at the MCG is perfectly safe.

They came back.

The Eagles dominated the 2nd and 3rd Quarters to lead 4 points at 3/4 time as it looked like the Straight Sets exit really was on, especially after Menegola got called for a 50 which resulted in Tom Hickey kicking a goal, but it soon became apparent that all that effort to come back had sucked the life out of the Premiers.

Hawkins kicked the opening goal of the last quarter, the Cats had the momentum, and they did not let it go, and it really became apparent that the Eagles were screwed the moment Jed Bews slipped forward, and slammed through what was the sealer.

Oddly enough, for a team that cops a lot of crap from the likes of me, the Cats have conceded a grand total of 1 behind in final quarters this Finals series.

The big downside was obviously Tomahawk, who was the best forward on the ground with 4 goals, landing a roundarm on Will Schofield 50 metres off the ball, in what was a simple case of Tommy losing his concentration, and mistaking Schofield’s head for a KFC drumstick.

That has to be the dumbest thing Tom has done since he wore ‘The Bro’.

Michael Christian has suspended Tommy for the Prelim, and rightfully so- Based on finals precedents, he clearly should’ve come in and bumped Schofield in the head and concussed him, or based on last week, gone for the simple eye gouge.

Now, based on what the Pies were able to do Richmond in last year’s Prelim, the Cats simply have to find someone with a name referring to the male trouser snake to play at Full Forward in Tomahawk’s place.

Surely ‘Wylie’ Buzza sounds close enough.

On a parting noting note, this result keeps up a trend for West Coast defending a Premiership- In all four instances, they’ve been knocked out in a Semi-Final; 1993 (To Essendon), 1995 (To North), 2007 (To Collingwood), and now 2019 (To Geelong).

Orange Soviets ended Luke Hodge’s Career @ The Gabba

До свида́ния, Lord Fagan.

The Lions really are the next Hawthorn… they’re exiting the Finals in straight sets as well.

Jebus, where do you begin after that.

We were promised a Holy War between the Orange Red Army and the Disciples of Fagan, and by golly we got one.

In fact, the Lions took the war thing so seriously, that they were more focused on killing Toby Greene than playing the game, which goes a way to explaining why they fell 4 goals down within the opening 10 minutes.

It became so brutal that Lachie Neale severed Sir Charles Cameron’s right elbow attempting a bump on Jacob Hopper, but of course, Sir Charles didn’t earn that knighthood for nothing, and he came out with a stump for a right arm 10 minutes later, akin to Lord Nelson fighting against Napoleon, and inspired his Fagan loving brothers with a fantastic mark and snap goal, and the Lions were soon in the game.

That did lead to the unusual topic of the SPIRIT OF THE GAME being used, when Adam Kennedy started targeting Cameron’s elbow (Rule 17.7), which Cameron Ling seemed to forget came in because of incidents like Steven Baker belting Stevie J’s broken hand in 2010… a game that Lingy played in.

This mindless bloodshed also gave Razor Ray the perfect excuse to get his face on screen, and he proceeded to spend the night paying decisions that made less sense than the lyrics to I Am The Walrus…. Goo goo g’joob.

The only thing Razor loves more than the sound of his own voice, is the sound of his own whistle.

54 free kicks for the game… Classic stuff.

As a result, the Gabba crowd gave the umpires a send-off at halftime that required an armed escort off the ground.

Queenslanders only reserve that treatment for Cockroach loving referees at Lang Park during Origin games.

After gaining the momentum and storming back with the Gabba crowd going feral, the Lions absolutely smacked the Giants with some 400 Inside 50s to 5 in the 2nd Half, and yet, the Orange Back 6, led by Comrade Davis, possessed the spirit of the defenders of Stalingrad, and held them out in a superb display of intercept marking for an entire quarter.

Just about very bloody time the Lions went Inside 50, Davis and Haynes were there, ready to swallow it up.

Of course, there were other minor details in the last term besides repeatedly targeting Giants defenders that cost the Lions their season.

Allowing Toby Greene and Josh Kelly to get a 2 on 1 inside 50, which led to a simple goal by Kelly’s standards, and then allowing the smallest guy on the field to get goalside from an uncalled throw, streak clear, and snap through the winning goal with 2:30 to go.

Spud Frawley of course had a segment on Bounce specifically for moments like that Kelly goal- COACH KILLERS.

And most of all, crap umpiring be damned, when you hit the post twice (They were both tough shots to be fair) in the last quarter, and ultimately lose by under a goal, that’s your own fault.

In fact, despite most their domination, the Lions kicked 4.10 in the 2nd Half.

But, at the end of the day, it’s only fitting that a New South Wales team would beat a Queensland team thanks to a throw.

Personally, I hope this Giants team does the relatively impossible and wins the flag, just to see Melbourne burn to the ground.

Thanks for everything Hodgey, and we can’t forget who made such a superb career possible.

Fremantle’s list management team, in 2001.

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