Meaningless AFL Review: Round 9, 2020

The return of Big Maj (Photo by Michael Klein)

A quick report this week, so here we go:

This week on “Eddie McGuire Has Something Blow Up In His Face”

Ah, Nathan Buckley – His team can’t win on a tennis court, and his team can’t win on a footy field either.

Richmond 13.12-90 defeated Western Bulldogs 7.7-49 at Metricon Stadium

There really is no middle ground for the Dogs.

Their wins are more than acceptable, and when they lose, like they did again on Wednesday, they get dismantled horribly, and you once again resume the kicking to death of their Top 4 chances.

On the other hand, Jebus Mary and Joseph, the Tigers have awoken.

That kick by Dusty was as beautiful as Brooke Cotchin’s skin after visiting the Esteem day spa.

Port Adelaide 12.11-83 defeated Melbourne 4.8-32 at the Gabba

Never have I noticed a spelling error less

Very nice of Channel 7 to put on a live broadcast of Port Adelaide’s Thursday training session before they take on the Bulldogs tomorrow night.

What a horror show from Melbourne that nobody was surprised by…. and to think this game occurred 9 years to the day that this happened:

Nice to see the Demons honoured that historic moment by surrendering before the bounce, and never bothered to raise an effort.

Here’s another reminder – Melbourne produced a documentary called To Hell And Back, a lovely series about their 2020 Pre-Season, following the burning wreck that was 2019.

Once again, it appears they should’ve just called it “To Hell And Stayed There.”

Hawthorn 14.5-89 defeated Carlton 9.4-58 at Optus Stadium

15 minutes into this Friday afternoon game that felt like Sunday afternoon, I sat getting sunburned on the southern wing of Optus Stadium, and questioned why I’d even bothered not paying to see this very rare COVID-era opportunity to see Hawthorn, as Carlton deadset dry-rooted an already shithouse Hawks team by kicking 5.1 to no score.

See what I mean?

The Rocket had ordered a pizza at The Camfield that never arrived after 40 minutes of waiting – Clearly the Hawks were waiting for it as well.

Then, when nothing went right, Will Day randomly played on from a set shot.

For a kid who had never had a kick at goal, it went well.

Dear Dwayne Russell – THAT is a firestarter.

If you remember, Patrick Cripps tried the exact same thing in the 2nd Quarter, probably thinking that if 4th gamer Will Day can goal after playing on from a mark, then I, Patrick Cripps, 2019 AFLPA MVP winner, can achieve the same.

He did not.

After yours truly tore shreds off his own team for 3 weeks straight and confidently predicted the Hawks wouldn’t win a game for the rest of 2020, the Hawks sprang to life after Day provided that bit of youthful exuberance, and kicked 10 of the next 12 goals in what was a 62 point turnaround.

Yes, I celebrated like a fickle bastard every single time, and I don’t give a rat’s tossbag.

Who knows what really turned it around – It could’ve been not playing in Sydney, it could’ve been getting back on a bigger ground like Optus, where they were 2/2 before Friday, it could’ve been Brendan Bolton’s inside intel on his former players that was clearly put to good use, but I’d think it was mainly the returns of Luke Breust and Jarman Impey to add a bit of life to a stale forward line.

It feels like an age ago, but we should remember the Hawks were 3-1 prior to Punky Brewster hurting his jaw and missing all of their games in the Sydney (Look how that went), and Jars played up forward in his first game in 12 months, and he made it count.

People can go on about the umpiring being apparently lopsided, but this what I’d point out.

When Carlton went 5 goals up early on, they were dominating in the midfield, and the coincidence was that they were 9-0 for free kicks.

When the Hawks came back and started breaking even in the middle, they started getting a few more decisions their way.

I think we could best compare that Hawks performance to a werewolf.

Flaccid when the sun was up, and as the sky went dark and the moon emerged, it was claws out and indiscriminate attacks on anything in navy blue.

Brisbane Lions 14.7-91 defeated Essendon 3.10-28 at Metricon Stadium

A memorable night out for Lord Fagan’s Lions.

Mitch Robinson cracked the 200 game milestone, and also cracked the shits and threw his mouthguard after getting an unfavourable umpiring call, Charlie Cameron kicked 4 goals to celebrate his 5-year contract, Connor Ballenden kicked a goal on debut, Lachie Neale pretty much did everything except hang a Brownlow Medal on his chest, and they restricted Essendon to their lowest score since 1999.

Brisbane thumping teams at Carrara – It’s what those old diehard Bears fans never got to enjoy.

In addition to Sir Charles kicking more goals than his opposition, I was also in hysterics at Brian Taylor’s latest bit of comedy – Screaming Mitch Robinson’s name in the style of Ned Beatty being made to squeal like a pig by those inbreds in Deliverance.

No, that is not edited – That genuinely happened with 8 minutes left in the game.

North Melbourne 19.5-119 defeated Adelaide 7.8-50 at Metricon Stadium

Only one point I need to start with from Spoonbowl 2.0…..


Another fantastic triumph of the human spirit.

Never before has dropping your best key forward and highest-paid midfielder gone so well…. congratulations to Rhyce Shaw, it was probably always going to work against the worst team in the league without their best young defender and best forward gone with illness.

Yeah, it was 17th vs 18th and technically a Spoonbowl, but we had conclusive evidence who the worst team in the league really was (AGAIN) by quarter time, when the Crows couldn’t even kick a goal, and it just got worse and worse from there, and before you knew it, the Roos had posted the best score of 2020, beating West Coast’s former record, that stood for all of 6 days.

Hehehehehe, 69 points.

St Kilda 15.11-101 defeated Sydney 6.12-48 at the Gabba

That final quarter from the Saints was 8 years of pent-up revenge against the Swans.

A possibly nervy 20 points up at 3/4 time after the Swans had been right on top in general play in that 3rd Quarter, the Saints joined North Melbourne in bashing the suitcase out of a Bottom 4 team on Saturday, by kicking 6 goals to 1 in 15 minutes to blow the lead out past 9 goals.

It was the Ratten Saints at their very best – The pressure, quick and precise ball movement, and the small forwards giving defenders fits.

Although, the only apparent point of discussion from a thoroughly expected Saints win was Jake Carlisle punching Dane Rampe’s injured hand, which was protected by a white glove stolen from the Neverland Ranch.

What is it with St Kilda players targeting injured hands….. You’d think they’d have learned after Steven Baker.

West Coast Eagles 11.7-73 defeated Geelong 10.4-64 at Optus Stadium

Forget about Nic Naitanui to Tim Kelly being the most daunting 2020 ruck/rover combination…..


The two best players on the ground on Saturday night, in what was a contest of the highest quality.

In short, the exact opposite of West Coast’s theme song.

At this rate, JK could be the first rover to win the Coleman Medal, and Nic Nat will come from 6 deep to reclaim his spot as an All-Australian ruckman.

Despite having to back up 5 days after an absolute slog in the rain, the undermanned Cats were well and truly up for the fight against the apparent premiership favourite, controlling the game with patient build-up plays forward, capped off by their laser-like kicking at goal, which got them out to a 22 point lead in the 3rd Term, but despite the apparent safety of a 3/4 time lead, the Eagles just couldn’t be denied, and it was only fitting that Kennedy sealed the game with a huge mark and goal with 90 seconds left.

West Coast were only the second team this season to overcome a 3/4 time deficit and win.

As it turned out, they weren’t the only WA team to achieve that feat this weekend.

GWS 9.7-61 defeated Gold Coast 4.11-35 at Metricon Stadium

They may have got the job done against their expansion brothers, but The Hamstringing was in full force for the Giants.

Toby Greene didn’t even make it to Quarter Time, and Matt de Boer was cut down with 30 seconds remaining in the game.

Just as Comrade Leon was starting to get the full brunt of the Orange Tsunami back together on a run to the Finals.

Really, that’s all I can say, because I’m lazy.

Fremantle 10.1-61 defeated Collingwood 7.7-49 at Optus Stadium

To use sporting terms that Nathan Buckley and Brenton Sanderson are familiar with, if I could sum up this game…


Categories: AFL

Tagged as: , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s