Horse Racing

A collection of characters from the Waterford TAB, Part Two

Along Manning Road lies the Waterford TAB, a sturdy old building sacred to the mug punters of Perth’s inner southern suburbs, untouched through years of evolution of the Waterford shopping centre, outlasting famous buildings like Blockbuster, Chicken Treat, Bottle Mart, a random pub next to it, and the memorable Man Lin Chinese Restaurant, once the site of an attempted arson attack by the Australian Nationalist Movement.

Following on from Part One last Sunday, here’s Part Two of a list of some of the ‘colourful’ characters I’ve encountered at the Waterford TAB over the years, who have given me years of entertainment on Saturday afternoons.

Some of the people I shall describe in this report read like characters from a piece of comedic fiction.

Their faces and identities shall remain a secret.


Kamahl – Bears some apparent resemblance to Australia’s undisputed most popular Malaysian-born singer, although I’ve never heard our Kamahl ask the question why are people so unkind.

In fact, I’ve only heard our Kamahl speak approximately 12 words in 3 years.


20 Kilos Of Ham – Probably the only person in the recorded history of the Waterford TAB who would regularly bet on the dishlickers, with a strange name that came about because he apparently looked “Off the bone” when we first met him, like a big smoked leg of D’orsogna.

It’d be wrong of me not to mention that he actually lost a good deal of weight around 2 years ago (And bloody good on him for that), so he’s now looking closer to 5 Kilos Of Ham.


FISJAM He may exude confidence in the run, but it’s a scientific fact that if you place a wager at the Waterford TAB, you’re 99% likely to end the day chasing your arse, so he’s not a FIGJAM, he’s a FISJAM – Frick I’m Shizen, Just Ask Me.


Super – An Irishman from Ireland with an obsession (More like a fetish) for talking about how well his superannuation was going, which absolutely nobody gave a crap about.

That was until one in day in 2018, when someone cracked a harmless joke asking how his superannuation was going, and from that day on, Mr Super wasn’t so super when talking about his Super, which may not have been so super in the first place.


Twiggy – Because he looks like he’s been swimming in the same gene pool as Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest.

Might not have the same net worth as Twiggy, though.


Subaru – A diehard Manchester United supporter who works for Subaru, a theory we’ve developed because he’s regularly sported a set of Subaru overalls, which means he could be the only Subaru mechanic in Western Australia.

It can’t be that busy these days, given there’s only about 5 Subaru models left in the whole state.

‘Subi’ mainly bets on European football multis alongside The Critic, but he did have a big First 4 win at Newcastle a few weeks back (Some 30% of $24,295), and in celebration, walked up to everyone within earshot and handed them $50, which could lead to him being dubbed the Pineapple Man.


Too Easy – You’ll know he’s backed a winner when you hear those two iconic words.


Hit Him – HIT HIM, HIT HIM, HIT HIM, HIT HIM, HIT HIM!

Uttered even if the jockey in question is riding a mare or filly, so we think Hit Him may struggle if Australian racing is headed towards a whip-less future.


Polish – Because he’s a Pole from Poland.


Houdini – Because he’s cheated death and reappeared so many times that Harry Houdini himself would be asking for tips.


3 Piece Feed – He always seems to show up on a Saturday with a KFC box in his hand, obviously having visited the Colonel’s establishment next door to the Waterford TAB.

It’s finger lickin’ good.


HBK – A bloke we noticed recently who sported a tied back ponytail and stubble, making him bear an uncanny resemblance to the one and only Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.

You know what he listens to in his car?

Sweet Chin Music.


Clippy – Always seen with his green clipboard, which contains enough sheets of paper to make the works of the Brontë sisters look like light reading.

“It looks like you’re trying to place a bet – Can I help?”


I Swear – Because he does. A lot.

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