Good evening everyone, and welcome to the coveted ‘It Happens’ Awards for 2021, honouring the sporting moments that were so unusual, it left you thinking like former Prime Minister Tony Abbott:
Now, in order to lighten up the mood, it’s best that I give this awards ceremony some kind of formal music, like you get at graduation ceremonies….
So on that note, here’s Hot Chocolate with You Sexy Thing:
My Definitive ‘IT HAPPENS’ Moment of 2021
This year’s Gold Medal winner for It Happens moments is the Australian Track Cycling team, who suffered one of the worst cases of bad luck ever seen at the Olympic Games, when the handlebars suddenly snapped off Alex Porter’s bike at 65 km/h during qualifying for the team pursuit in Tokyo:
Straight out of Clarke and Dawe… the front fell off!
“Well, I’m not saying it wasn’t safe, it’s just perhaps not quite as safe as some of the other ones.”
“Well, some of them are built so the front doesn’t fall off at all.”
“Wasn’t this built so the front wouldn’t fall off?”
“Well, obviously not.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, ‘cause the front fell off!”
The ‘Weirdest Reason For A Stoppage’ Award:
Goes to little Eddie the Echidna for bringing out a Safety Car during the Bathurst 1000:
Honourable mention goes to when the Ambulance got bogged down the outside fence at the Hawkesbury races on Oaks Day:
The ‘Mr Creosote’ Award
Goes to the shitfaced guy at the Sacramento Kings game in November who managed to have a chunder courtside, stopping the Kings game against the Utah Jazz, and turning the city into Yack-ramento
The ‘Fatty Vautin Best One Handed Catch’ Award
Goes to Jake Fraser-McGurk for the Melbourne Renegades against the Adelaide Strikers earlier in this Big Bash season:
“He’s just stuck his big mitt out at the last minute with more arse than class, it somehow stuck and that is just quite unbelievable, the sort of bloody incident you see being replayed and replayed, over and over, ad bloody nauseam!”
The ‘Outstanding Achievement in the field of Streaking’ Award
That sheep shagging streaker that decided to go for a run at Awapuni in New Zealand on Boxing Day, exposing his pecker to everyone.
The ‘Candyman’ Award
Goes to Perth expat Max Duffy, who demonstrated excessive selling of hand candy in his last game for the University of Kentucky, the Gator Bowl against North Carolina State on January 5, showcasing both his Australian Rules background, and how much Americans love biting on confectionary.
Yes, the candy man can.
The ‘Best Use Of A Facemask’ Award
Goes to West Coast Eagles coach Adam Simpson, who found a new way to stop looking at the scoreboard when the Eagles were getting thumped by the Bulldogs in Round 15:
He was doing the same thing next week when the Eagles lost to Sydney by 92 points.
The ‘Kicking Goals for the Other Team’ Award
Goes to Liam Stocker of Carlton, who went to kick across goal against the Brisbane Lions back in Round 6, only to somehow shank his kick through the big sticks for a magnificent goal…
The only problem was, Carlton were kicking the other way.
Fair dinkum, Carlton really are Victoria’s greatest vaudeville act.
The ‘No Wonder You Got Traded To Fremantle’ Award
This year’s recipient is young Jordan Clark, formerly of Geelong, who got an absolute gift from GWS defender Isaac Cumming 15 metres out from goal deep into the 4th Quarter against GWS in Round 21, at a time when the Cats were only down by 9 points:
As is the case with a few modern day players, instead of the stock standard drop punt, Clark lined up for a snap around the body…..
And missed the lot.
Actually, Clark didn’t get traded to Fremantle because they like players who can’t kick for crap in front of goal, he got traded because Geelong don’t like players under the age of 35.
The ‘Simultaneous Golden Fist and Falcon Of The Year’ Award
Goes to the Brisbane Lions, who somehow achieved the double at Tom Berry’s expense in Round 21:
The ‘Cost yourself a few points in NRL Fantasy’ Award
Goes to Sydney Roosters rookie half Sam Walker, who ran a good 90 metres backwards just to seal the Chooks’ win against Canterbury in Round 17, and it’s a good thing they had to lockout crowds due to the Sydney outbreak, because there would’ve been Bulldogs fans brandishing their knuckle dusters waiting in the carpark for him.
The ‘Best Way To Screw Up A Certain Try’ Award
Goes to South Sydney’s record points scorer Adam Reynolds, who had an easy meat pie ready to be consumed against Wests Tigers at Leichhardt in Round 16, but instead of falling to the ground at the earliest possible chance, the now Bronco had an old man moment and forgot where the back of the in-goal was:
The ‘Worst Dropout of 2021’ Award
Goes to Kyle Feldt playing for Queensland in State of Origin II, for producing an onside kick attempt that summed up Queensland’s series, as it didn’t even travel 5 metres in the air, and ultimately rolled back into the in-goal, giving New South Wales a penalty that they probably turned into another try.
The ‘Might Be Kicking Into A Slight Breeze’ Award
Goes to Ben Hunt from St George-Illawarra, as he found out there might’ve been a bit of a breeze on a cool June night in Woolongong when the Dragons played the Raiders back in Round 15, when his last tackle kick went 15 metres forward, followed by 25 metres backwards:
Still, if you think The Gong might be a bit windy, just wait until you get to New Zealand:
The ‘Slightly Unfortunate Accurate Prediction’ Award
Goes to Lewis Hamilton, for giving us this headline before the British Grand Prix:
Aaaaaand what happened when the Lion was brought out:
Well, as the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix goes to show, what goes around, comes around.
The ‘Oh Crap, Where Did My Opponent Go’ Award
Goes to the Geelong playing group, who, with 27 seconds left in the last game of the home & away season, having had their lead slashed from 44 points down to 2 points, WITH THE MINOR PREMIERSHIP ON THE LINE, thought that Jake Lever was just going to desperately bomb Melbourne’s last forward 50 entry straight to the goalsquare….
Only for Lever to pull his kick straight into the hole 20 metres out, where big 90-foot tall Max Gawn was up against comparative midget Gary Rohan, while Gawn’s direct opponent in Rhys Stanley was 10 metres behind, and Tom Hawkins could only watch on in horror:
Long story short, Gawn takes the mark, kicks the goal after the siren to hand Melbourne their first minor premiership in 57 years, destroys the Cats again 3 weeks later in the Preliminary Final, and a fortnight later, captains the Demons to their first flag in 57 years.
The Numerology Award
This one goes to a random bowls game I played with Steve against Trish and Sue back in June, where the score was 5-5 after 5 ends:
And in a scoreline that would be very welcome in Chinese culture, it was 8-8 after 8 ends:
Unfortunately, the game was not on the 8th of August.
The ‘Stick To Your Day Job’ Award
Goes to MotoGP World Champion Fabio Quartararo, who pulled out the driver and tried swinging a golf ball on the tarmac after winning the Dutch TT in June, only to bring up sparks after completely missing the bloody ball, and even when he actually managed to hit the damn thing, he shanked it:
Hopefully his short game is a bit better.
The ‘Most South Australian Thing To Happen In South Australia in 2021’ Award
Goes to SA’s Chief Health Officer Nicola Spurrier, for telling Crows fans not to touch the COVID covered ball when it came into the crowd in the Adelaide vs Collingwood game in Round 12, confirming that there’s at least one person in South Australia who has never seen a game of footy:
Which resulted in Crows fans taking the ever-loving piss out of that nugget of wisdom:
The ‘Bowled Between Your Legs’ Award
Doesn’t go to Mitchell Starc and Rory Burns in the first ball of the Ashes, it’s gone to the Bulldogs midfielder still being paid by Collingwood in Adam Treloar, who was totally bamboozled by the low-bouncing Sherrin against Port Adelaide in Round 9, handing Port a goal:
As it turns out, Port Adelaide were involved in a few ‘It Happens’ moments like that this year…
The ‘Reminder That The Sherrin Is Oblong’ Award
An award that made an appearance last year, this year’s winner is Karl Amon of Port Adelaide, who managed to cop this bit of cruelty during a kick on goal against Geelong in Round 12:
With an honourable mention going to Nick Haynes of GWS, who thought he had this kick on goal by Peter Ladhams covered in Round 20:
And finally, the ‘Most Idiotic Spectator At A Sporing Event’ Award:
An easy decision here – the Allez Opi Omi spectator at the Tour de France:
Because if you’re so annoying that you cause a crash and have a civil suit brought against you, then you deserve an It Happens Award.