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In golf, people traditionally describe Round 3/Saturday at any tournament to be ‘Moving Day’, which is a term that also applies to Week 5 at Manning Jack Attack, because it’s the last chance for hopeful teams to get themselves in the Money Games taking place in Week 6, when the Greatest Social Bowls Competition between Manning Road and the Canning River reaches its climax.

The biggest piece of news this week is that Richard ‘Half’ Price left for the Abrolhos Islands on Monday, a bucket list trip he’s had in the works (And kept under wraps quite nicely) for the last couple of months, meaning it’ll be yours truly doing the steering while Adam Mac works the pedals for the penultimate two nights of the season, so if we don’t steer this thing into an iceberg, we’re going okay.

Next, the Synthetic green received the first stages of a sanding on Tuesday, a process intended to speed up the green (Similar to what they do with Synthetic putting greens), although due to being incomplete, the green did resemble the Simpson Desert on Rinks 7 and 8:

That turned out to be the least of our problems, because one of the lights on Green D crapped the bed, which didn’t help anyone on the Grass.

Finally, and unfortunately, COVID hit Jack Attack this week, as The CDs (Plus Jonesy from Great Bowls of Fire) had to isolate as close contacts, which forced some hasty fixture changes, with the floating Zebras (Dymmo and Barry) given the night off to keep the teams even, while Verse 1 couldn’t play Beginner’s Luck again, so they were redrawn against This Is How We Roll on Synthetic 7, and Beginner’s Luck played Team Pamba on Synthetic 6.

Hopefully all goes well and the CDs return a couple of negatives in time for Week 6… it was a bit too quiet without them complaining about Kochie.

The Overall Night

On another warm night in Perth, it was bare knuckle brawling across the greens of Manning Memorial to get those finals places, with just one team winning by double figures, only 4 teams took all 4 points, 6 games went to tie breaks, and 2 games had drawn sets, which means that after 5 weeks of play, just 2 points separated 6th place from 17th, such is the competitiveness of Manning Jack Attack.

Starting straight off the top, the first team through to the Summer 2022 Jack Attack Grand Final are last season’s Summer champs the Great Bowls of Fire, who had to call in the cavalry to fill the void left by Jonesy, so they turned to Manning’s 1st Division/Premier League second Matty Hoskin of Salter Point Parade, of course complying with the non-preferred hand rule…

That was until halfway through the game, when Paul of Paul’s Heroes (allegedly) told Hoskin he could use his right hand, which was given the okay by Jack Attack commissioner JT given the opposition skip suggested it, and it was a move Paul might regret, because the Great Bowls went on to win in straight sets and finished 2nd overall on the night with +8 shots.

Paul, I should tell you that while Mr Hoskin may look like a simple drunkard, he’s been playing Premier League on Thursdays, so you really should know better.

Next, in a moment akin to Warren Beatty at the 2017 Oscars, or Sarah Murdoch on Australia’s Next Top Model, I may have announced Macatac as having finished 2nd and earning a shot at defending their title, after they held a massive 3 (Into 6) on their final end powerplay against Team Tommy to win the 2nd Set 7-3 after a 4-4 draw in the 1st, which got them ahead of Manning Up on variance, and simultaneously cost Team Tommy a Top 5 finish….

But the independent fact checkers from Trump Tower have let me know that Manning Up did indeed finish 2nd on 17 points +15 shots, while Macatac were actually 3rd on 16 points +17.

I think the number of 17s threw me off, because Macatac were on 13 points + 13 before Week 5, and they won by 4 shots with 3 points (Not 4 as I counted) on Wednesday, which would put them on 16 points +17, not 17 points.

So that means I’ve sold the Maccers a brutal lie, and I apologise for that error, but on the other hand, a big congratulations to John, Mark, Trav and Phil on continuing their rise from tie break laughing stock in 2020 to unbeaten Grand Finalists in 2022, and they had to do it the hard way against a red hot Jack Sabbath on Synthetic Rink 4, but they got it done in a tie break after losing the 1st Set 7-0, and to put it simply, had Manning Up lost that tie break, they’d have finished 3rd.

So 3rd place went to the outgoing defending champs Macatac, who haven’t lost a game outright this season, but with our scoring system, it was simply the number of 3 point wins that only just cost them a spot in the Grand Final, with the drawn set against Team Tommy being a pain, as they dropped a shot on the last end to draw it 4-4, but they pulled out that huge final end powerplay just to give themselves a chance, so well done to Duncan, Shane and Ellen on another top notch season.

4th on the ladder went to the Top Shots, a result that may seem unbelievable given they’d never finished in the Top 10 prior to this season, and they were second last after Week 1, but Gerry, Irene, Leslie and Gordon stuck together and reeled off a hat-trick of 4 point wins, then they leapt into the Top 4 at the last moment by defeating the Merkins on Synthetic 1, drawing the 1st Set 7-7 before winning the 2nd 7-4 after trailing 0-4.

To put it more accurately, the Top Shots haven’t dropped a set in 4 weeks.

5th on the ladder went to the Buffed Helmets II (Mazey, Lee and Kip), who played in a tie break in all 5 games this season and won 4 of them, the latest of which was a tie break win against Out On Parole on Grass Rink 3, despite losing the variance by 4 shots, and by a study of contrasts, Ten Pin have played in 4 and lost them all.

6th place and the last of the money spots went to Paul’s Heroes, who were in the Top 2 through their first 3 games of Jack Attack, but they got the wobbles in Weeks 4 and 5, although it was still enough to finish in the Top 6, and I imagine Paul, Maddie and the rest of the Smith family will be having a big shindig when they get back to Mukinbudin.

The last crucial game in Week 6 is the Wooden Spoon game, and I can announce it’ll be the Bowling Stones (25th) against This Is How We Roll (26th) – The loser gets their name engraved on the Wooden Spoon, while the winner gets a two-ply toilet roll, because they’ll be close to crap.

There was also the small matter of the overall winners for Week 5, and that honour and the $50 cash went to Verse 1, who defeated This Is How We Roll in straight sets by +15 shots on Synthetic Rink 7, as Ronni and Sally made the most their redraw and the helping hand from Peter of Crawshaw CC in Peg’s absence.

As previously mentioned, the Great Bowls of Fire’s 8-shot win against Paul’s Heroes saw them finish 2nd overall to get the $30 cash, and they’ll be playing for a bit more money next week.

3rd overall and the $20 went to Ten Pin, who finally got an outright win this season as they defeated the Buffed Helmets I in straight sets by +5 shots, and thanks to their healthy variance and everyone around them dropping points, Ten Pin rocketed up from 16th to 8th to take on Team Tommy next week.

Finally, 4th overall went to The Lenny’s, who were also on +5 shots, but they lost out on account of going to a tie break against Team Epic, in a wild see-sawing contest that saw Team Epic win the 1st Set 10-0, only for The Lenny’s to win the 2nd Set 15-0, before they went on to win the tie break and finish the night in 10th place on the ladder, in what was the lucky last game to finish on Wednesday night.

Finishing off the results:

Crawshaw got over the top of the Bowling Stones on Synthetic Rink 2, in a game that would decide who played This Is How We Roll in the Wooden Spoon game, and the Bowling Stones won the 1st Set 14-4 after getting a 5 turned into 10 on their final end powerplay, but Crawshaw won the 2nd Set 11-0, and they would hang on to win the tie break, confirming that they had avoided the Wooden Spoon game for this season, much to the delight of Decca.

The Bowled Guys defeated Stop Drop & Bowl in a tie break on Grass Rink 1, and I do believe that means Sharyn and Stop Drop & Bowl have also played in 5 tie breaks in 5 games this season, with a record of 2 wins from those 5 deciders but it should be noted that’s a marked improvement from last season’s Wooden Spooners, who sit in 11th overall after Week 5.

The Unbelievabowls jumped up to 12th thanks to defeating Rock N Bowl in straight sets on Grass Rink 6, which saw Rock N Bowl plummet from 8th to 18th, and it should be noted the Rockers were so shorthanded that last seasons’ Mitchell Trophy winner Di Macpherson had to come off the bench to give them a hand, and she definitely pulled off at least 1 great performance, because Sue and Barbara’s team deployed the powerplay in the 2nd Set and had at least 3 unbelievabowls in the count, but Di and her orange bowls very nearly pinched hold at the last gasp:

Luckily the photographer was on hand to capture the culprit enjoying her moment… if only she’d held shot:

Finally, in the second of the rescheduled games, Team Pamba defeated Beginner’s Luck in a tie break on Synthetic 6, and it was a good comeback from Pamba, after they dropped the 1st Set 2-12 to Helen and the lucky newcomers, but they recovered to win the 2nd Set 9-2, and made good use of the momentum to win the tie break 2-0, which saw them go from 14th all the way up to unlucky 13th.

So there’s just one week to go, and I must say commiserations to everyone who missed out on a $5 drinks voucher for touching the jack…. It was that red hot that at least 4 vouchers went within 30 seconds of the whistle, so you didn’t have to be dead to be stiff.

Results

Scoring – 2 points for a set win, 1 point for a tied set, 1 for a tiebreak win, tiebreaks aren’t counted in score differential

Grass 1: Bowled Guys (3pts +2) defeated Stop Drop & Bowl (2pts -2), 7-3, 4-6, 2-0 in the tie break

Grass 2: Macatac (3pts +4) defeated Team Tommy (1pt -4), 4-4, 7-3

Grass 3: Buffed Helmets II (3pts -4) defeated Out On Parole (2pts +4), 1-6, 6-5, 2-0 in the tie break

Grass 4: Ten Pin (4pts +5) defeated Buffed Helmets I, 5-4, 12-8

Synthetic 1: Top Shots (3pts +3) defeated Merkins (1pt -3), 7-7, 7-4

Synthetic 2: Crawshaw Crisis Committee (3pts +1) defeated Bowling Stones (2pts -1), 4-14, 11-0, 2-0 in the tie break

Synthetic 3: Great Bowls of Fire (4pts +8) defeated Paul’s Heroes, 8-2, 6-4

Synthetic 4: Manning Up (3pts -2) defeated Jack Sabbath (2pts +2), 0-7, 8-3, 1-0 in the tie break

Synthetic 5: Unbelievabowls (4pts +3) defeated Rock N Bowl, 3-2, 6-4

Synthetic 6: Team Pamba (3pts -3) defeated Beginner’s Luck (2pts +3), 2-12, 9-2, 2-0 in the tie break

Synthetic 7: Verse 1 (4pts +15) defeated This Is How We Roll, 13-4, 10-4

Synthetic 8: The Lenny’s (3pts +5) defeated Team Epic (2pts -5), 0-10, 15-0, 3-0 in the tie break

Captain’s Comments

Alex, Jack Sabbath: “We took the jack in the first 2 ends and it was before the whistle went, then we took the jack on the 3rd end after the whistle had gone, and we still got beaten to the voucher!”

“All up, we took the jack 7 times on our rink and we got 1 voucher.. and it was Manning Up!”

Sally, Verse 1: “Just don’t think about drug testing us, I’ve been on the Rosé all night!”

Duncan, Macatac: “Hopefully they get that light on the Grass green fixed by next week, it was hard work!”

Peter Barrow, if you’re reading this, there’s your next task.

John, Manning Up: “We were without Brent and Simon tonight, which I think worked in our favour in the end – We have found that we’re incapable of playing long ends, so I hope our opposition next week (Great Bowls) don’t figure that out.”

Kochie, Great Bowls: “COVID conquered, but so did the Great Bowls of Fire”

Mazey & Carry, Buffed Helmets II: “We are the tie break break kings, we don’t mess around, we play for money… Mainly because we’ve got indoor cricket fines to pay.”

Glen/Scratch on Buffed Helmets II: “This was only their second season, and with a bit of pre season training and next season they’ll be serious contenders.”

“It might even be with Greg Marsh, a cricketer that Kip invented as some kind of a jumble between Greg Chappell and Rod Marsh.”

Carmo, Buffed Helmets I: “I’m calling a Helmets vs Helmets Grand Final next season, you heard it first.”

Ladder

After a thorough review of all the scores for this season, this is the ladder:

Photos from the Night

An impromptu Merkins team photo that Nelle put together:

The Grass rinks enjoying a game under the sunset

John from Manning Up bowled this during the Warm-Up… It was an indicator of things to come:

An example of the lighting on the Grass rinks with the light tower out of action:

One of the many resting touchers that Jack Sabbath didn’t get a voucher for:

And another, as John and Trav engage in conversation:

You all know I love a good shot of the night sky when we get underway, and here wave a few funky looking clouds:

Scenes from the Simpson Desert, aka Synthetic Rinks 7 and 8:

Gerry in motion for the Top Shots:

Matt Hoskin and Maddie looking after the head in the Great Bowls vs Paul’s Heroes contest… You can easily tell it’s Hoskin based on his West Coast paraphernalia, although I should note he bandwagoned on to Melbourne in September 2021:

And finally, here’s a photo I’ll simply title… THE SKIPS: