With the two men responsible for 7 out of the last 15 premierships not coaching, let’s see the state of play:

Craig McRae is Australia’s leading cause of heart attacks, having overtaken smoking and diabetes on ANZAC Day this year.

Ken Hinkley’s arse has suffered first degree burns due to how long he’s spent on the hot seat.

Chris Fagan is simply happy because people in Brisbane don’t mistake him for coaching the Brisbane Broncos.

Simon Goodwin keeps having conflicts with his brother Simon Badloss, to the detriment of Naarm/Melbourne.

The left side of Ross Lyon’s brain doesn’t know what the right side is thinking… actually, that’s always been the case with Ross Lyon.

Adam Kingsley hasn’t actually made it to GWS’ training ground because he’s still stuck in Sydney traffic.

Stuart Dew is bobbing about in a life raft trying to coach in the Bermuda Triangle of Australian sport.

Matthew Nicks is so well liked at Adelaide because he looks like Nigel Smart.

Luke Beveridge always seems to pull his finger out when it looks like his Bulldogs tenure is heading to Woop Woop.

Chris Scott looks homeless.

Brad Scott looks like Chris Scott without the beard.

Despite being accused of tanking, Sam Mitchell can’t convince Hawthorn to tank.

Justin Longmuir is much happier now that he’s coaching a good team like Walyalup instead of Fremantle.

John Longmire looks like he has a long face watching Sydney play at the moment.

Alastair Clarkson goes on stress leave after months of accusations, and Brett Ratten has suddenly realised nobody at North can count to exactly 75.

Michael Voss has the full support of the Carlton board, which means he’s staring down the barrel of a shotgun, most probably wielded by a member of the Carlton crew.

Damien Hardwick has reached a mental fatigue point that no amount of medicinal marijuana can fix.

And somehow, despite having to field a WAFL team every week, Adam Simpson hasn’t snapped and turned into a serial killer.