Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Alright friends, the time has arrived for the time-honoured first Group 1 of the New Year, the C.F. Orr Stakes at Caulfield, and it’ll be backed up by several decent Group 2s, namely the Blue Diamond Prelude(s) for the juveniles, the Rubiton Stakes and the Autumn Stakes, plus a couple of Group 3s that nobody gives a crap about.

As for the other meetings, Randwick hosts some dodgy 2-year-old worth millions of needless dollars, Morphetville hosts some Listed JRA Plate, and the Cyril Flower Stakes returns to Bunbury, as they finally finished redeveloping the track late last year.

Riveting, all riveting races.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and when I got off the bowling green at 5:30 last week, I naturally assumed all of his horses had lost, because he’s a natural lunatic..

I soon realised he’d gone WIN. WIN. WIN.

You know why he went WIN. WIN. WIN?

Because he’s got a GOOD LUCK CHARM.

P(r)ick No.1: Dakota Vroom (No.4, Barrier 9) E/W in Race 5 at Randwick (SR5), 2:50pm AEDT

1300m BM78 Mares Handicap

Trainer: Chris Waller, Jockey: Tommy Berry, 58.5kg

Hello hello everybody, it’s Craaaaaaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, and after last week, I’ve still got a queue of people out of the front of my house, because they’re all lining up to KISS MY ARSE.

That’s the rewards you get when you pull off 3 wins from 3 tips!

Anyway, that was last week and this is now, and if we even get 1 pick right this week I’ll be doing well, so I’ll start off at that shoddy swamp called Randwick, and straight to race 5 I’ve seen a horse called Dakota, whp lines up off the back of two wins on Friday nights at Canterbury during January…

Which means it’s the best performance by a Dakota since Dakota by Stereophonics went to No.1 on the UK Charts in 2005!

Dakota Johnson in Fifty Shades of Grey was a distant second.

P(r)ick No.2: Asfoora (No.4, Barrier 6) in the Rubiton Stakes at Caulfield (MR8), 4:15pm AEDT

1100m Group 2 SW+P

Trainer: Henry Dwyer, Jockey: Mitch Aitken, 57kg

I’ll let Roland Gift and the Fine Young Cannibals do the talking on this one!

P(r)ick No.3: Playing Rio (No.7, Barrier 3) in Race 9 at Bunbury (CR9), 5:30pm AEDT

1400m 60+ Rating

Trainer: Paul Hunter, Jockey: Jason Whiting, 56.5kg

Going for the winning hat-trick in the last at Bunbury, it’s Duran Duran’s favourite horse!

His name is Playing Rio and he dances on the sand
Just like that river twisting through a dusty land
And when he shines, he really shows you all she can
Oh Playing Rio, Playing Rio dance across the Rio Grand

Enjoy your weekend folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!