Based on a series of plausible events in a regional Victorian town

Okay folks, it’s the last Saturday of the Autumn, although being here in Perth you’d think it was still late summer, and the news came in on Thursday that the Melbourne Cup qualifying Hotham Handicap//Lexus Stakes/Archer Stakes will be moved from Derby Day to Makybe Diva Stakes day in September, meaning it’ll go from being the lucky last ballot exemption race for the Melbourne Cup to the first of the Spring Carmival, 3 weeks before the Bart Cummings.

The VRC moved it on the basis that the Hotham has barely produced a genuine Melbourne Cup contender since Shocking completed the double in 2009, and it’s fairly true, because the only Melbourne Cup placings for the Hotham winner since 2009 are Maluckyday running 3rd in 2010, and Prince Of Arran running 3rd in 2018…

With the moving of the MacKinnon Stakes to Stakes Day, and now the end of The Hotham as the last ballot exemption race, it’s well and truly the final nail in the coffin for Cup hopefuls running on Derby Day, which was the norm for well over a century.

And, all told, these lower ballot exemption races like the Andrew Ramsden, the Bart Cummings and the Hotham haven’t mattered much for Cup form outside of Almandin’s 2016 win, especially compared to the heavy hitters like the Caulfield Cup & Cox Plate.

Now after all that rubbish, there is at least one decent race on this weekend, as we mark the running of the Group 1 Doomben Cup in Brisbane, and this is always my favourite statistical race in Australia, because Might and Power’s race record time from 1998, when the race was run over 2020m, is 2.00.530.

26 years on, that time is STILL FASTER than the current 2000m record at Doomben, which is 2.00.960, set by Real Love in the Group 3 JRA Cup in 2016.

There’s only been one other horse like Might And Power in the history of Autsralian racing… I suppose it’d be Rising Fast.

Other than that, there’s some craphouse meeting at Sandown, Randwick gets a meeting, there’s even one in Broome, Murray Bridge, and Belmont hosts the Final of the Provincial Championship Series, which was decided by qualifying races in places like Northam, Albany, Geraldton, Kalgoorlie, York and Narrogin.

Some great parts of Western Australia, and Narrogin.

If you really wanted to punish criminals, you’d make them live in Narrogin.

So it’s on to Crazy Craig, and I didn’t see any of his results last week, but apparently he got a placing with 1 of his value bets, which is all I need to hear to start blasting out Elvis Presley!

P(r)ick No.1: Eneeza (No.9, Barrier 4) in Race 5 at Doomben (BR5), 1:28pm AEST

1050m 2YO Magic Millions National 2YO Classic

Trainers: Peter Moody & Katherine Coleman, Jockey: Damian Lane, 55kg

Hello hello everybody, it’s Craaaazy Craig TBFB, Scratchie King of Bairnsdale, back and thumping on another Saturday of racing, and this week something very bad happened…

I ran out of $50 notes!

It’s BULLSHIT I tell you!

I would’ve given one to another mum with a pram, but Crazy Colin took my last 2 so he could go and get another slab of Carlton Draught, and the prick kept the change!

Some people I tell you, some people want to help others out, and others want to drink shit beer!

Anyway, I best start off at Doomben for the running of the Doomben Cup, but we won’t be bothering with the Doomben Cup because it’s full of Queenslanders, and instead look at the mighty favourite for the Magic Millions race Eneeza, who finished within 3 lengths of Lady Of Camelot in the Golden Slipper, then Eneeza turned the screws and knocked off the Slipper winner in the Group 2 Percy Sykes!

GOOD FORM LINES for a dodgy race like this, and speaking of good, I think Eneeza sounds like something between Sneeze, Ebeneezer, and a song by INXS from their acclaimed 1987 album The Kick…

ENEEZA TONIGHT!
‘Cause I’m not sleeping
There’s something about you, girl
That makes me sweat

P(r)ick No.2: Miss You Ella (No.17, Barrier 16) E/W in Race 8 at Randwick (SR8), 3:05pm AEST

1600m BM94 Handicap

Trainer: Ciaron Maher, Jockey: Dylan Gibbons (a), 53kg

What a compelling horse Miss You Ella is, an American From America who came to Australia at the end of last year and had 2 respectable runs in BM88 grade, running 3rd at Kembla (On the day of The Gong) and 4th at Randwick on the last Saturday of 2023.

She’s back here 1st Up with no weight on her back, $17 at the moment due to the crap barrier, and do you know who’d like Miss You Ella, simply because of her name?

80s pop sensation, JOHN WAITE!

And it’s my heart that’s breakin’
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t Missing You Ella!
Since you’ve been gone, away
I ain’t missing you (Missing you)
No matter, what my friends say (Missing you)

The Red Hot Chilli Peppers P(r)ick: Californication (No.5, Barrier 5) in Race 8 at Belmont (PR8), 4:25pm AWST

1400m SkyRacingTV Provincial Championship Series Final

Trainer: Paul Rowe, Jockey: Patrick Carbery, 58kg

Trained in the Goldfields heart of Kalgoorlie by Paul Rowe, who is of no relation to Normie Rowe, with the name of a Chillis staple song..

It’s the edge of the world, end all of western civilization
The Sun may rise in the East, at least it’s settled in the final location
It’s understood that Hollywood sells Californication

Pay your surgeon very well to break the spell of aging
Celebrity skin, is this your chin, or is that war you’re waging?
Firstborn unicorn
Hardcore soft-porn

Dream of Californication!

Enjoy your weekend folks, stay safe, stay negative, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, and remember, I’m Crazy Craig, and that’s why they call me Craaaaaazy Craig!